Come as You Are (8 page)

Sexual Inhibition System (SIS).
This is your sexual brake. “Inhibition” here doesn’t mean “shyness” but rather neurological “off” signals. Research has found that there are actually two brakes, reflecting the different functions of an inhibitory system. One brake works in much the same way as the accelerator. It notices all the potential threats in the environment—everything you see, hear, smell, touch, taste, or imagine—and sends signals saying, “Turn off!” It’s like the foot brake in a car, responding to stimuli in the moment. Just as the accelerator scans the environment for turn-ons, the brake scans for anything your brain interprets as a good reason not to be aroused right now—risk of STI transmission, unwanted pregnancy, social consequences, etc. And all day long it sends a steady stream of “Turn off!” messages. This brake is responsible for preventing us from getting inappropriately aroused in the middle of a business meeting or at dinner with our family. It’s also the system that throws the Off switch if, say, in the middle of some nookie, your grandmother walks in the room.

The second brake is a little different. It’s more like the hand brake in a car, a chronic, low-level “No thank you” signal. If you try to drive with the hand brake on, you might be able to get where you want to go, but it’ll take longer and use a lot more gas. Where the foot brake is associated with “fear of performance consequences,” the hand brake is associated with “fear of performance failure,” like worry about not having an orgasm.

For the rest of the book, I’ll be referring to the brakes generally, without differentiating between the two kinds, because it turns out that, so far, effective strategies for turning off the brakes aren’t different depending on which brake is being hit. Over the next ten years we might develop behavioral strategies or even medications that target a specific system, but
in the meantime, you don’t need to know for sure which brake is being hit in order to figure out how to stop hitting it.

•  •  •

In essence, that’s all the dual control model is: the brakes and the accelerator. The details are more complex, but the implications of even this basic idea are powerful, because you can immediately conceptualize all sexual functioning—and all sexual dysfunction—as a balance (or imbalance) between brakes and accelerator. If you’re having trouble with any phase of sexual response, is it because there’s not enough stimulation to the accelerator? Or is there too much stimulation to the brakes? Indeed, a common mistake made by people who are struggling with orgasm or desire is assuming that the problem is lack of accelerator; it’s more likely that the problem is too much brake (more on that in chapters 7 and 8). And once you know whether it’s a problem with the accelerator or the brakes, you can figure out how to create change.

When Olivia (the exuberant masturbator) answered my “excitors” questions [in the worksheets on
this page
] with, “I can feel turned on doing the dishes,” I had a pretty good idea what her sexual brain was like.

She told me, “I love sex. I love my partner. I love trying new things, new places, new positions, new toys, new porn, new everything. I’m One Big Yes.” And I could see it in her face: the joy, the confidence of a woman living fully inside her body.

I asked, “Have you sometimes done things and then thought, ‘Why did I do that?’ ”

She winced and nodded. “That’s happened. Rarely, but . . . when I get super stressed, I’ll just go out and be like, ‘Whatever. Go.’ I’ve done some stupid shit.”

“And are there times when you feel like you need to masturbate several times a day?” I asked, and she blinked at me like she wondered if I had a camera in her bedroom.

“Usually I can ignore it,” she said. “But every once in a while it just makes me crazy. It’s like having an itch that no amount of scratching will help. I have this out-of-control feeling.”

“Yeah,” I said. “A sensitive accelerator can make people more prone to risk taking and compulsivity—that ‘out-of-control’ feeling.”

“That’s why? A sensitive accelerator?” she said. “I’m not high testosterone, I’m high SES?”

“It would explain both your ‘One Big Yes’ and the occasional out-of-control feeling.”

It’s easy to assume that having a sensitive accelerator is fun—and it can be, in the right context. Olivia has a partner she delights in and a wide-open attitude that allows her to explore without worry or fear. She dives right in. And then sometimes, especially when she’s stressed or anxious, Olivia said, “It can feel like my sex drive is constantly demanding my attention and won’t leave me alone.”

There’s another level, too, to the risks that can accompany a sensitive accelerator. Because she sometimes feels like her own sexuality is bossing her around, Olivia finds herself worried that she, in turn, is bossing her partner around, being too pushy, too demanding, too sexual, just plain too much.

“I have to wield my powerful sexuality carefully, for the betterment of humanity,” she announced—mostly kidding.

Mostly.

arousability

According to the dual control model, arousal is really two processes: activating the accelerator and deactivating the brakes. So your level of sexual arousal at any given moment is the product of how much stimulation the accelerator is getting and how little stimulation the brakes are getting.

But it’s also a product of
how sensitive
your brakes and accelerator are to that stimulation.

SIS and SES are
traits
. We all have them and they’re more or less stable over the life span, but, like introversion/extroversion, they vary from
individual to individual. Just as we all have phalluses and urethras (as we saw in chapter 1), we all have a sexual accelerator and sexual brakes in our central nervous systems (we’re all the same!). But we all have
different sensitivities
of SIS and SES (we’re all different!), which leads to different arousability—the potential to be aroused.

Some people are high on both SIS and SES, others are low on both, some have high SIS but low SES, and some have high SES but low SIS. And most of us are average. The variation is distributed on a nice bell curve; the majority of people are heaped up in the middle and a few people are at the extreme ends.

Let’s take a look at what happens if brake or accelerator is especially sensitive (or not).

Suppose you’re high on SES and low on SIS—sensitive accelerator and hardly any brakes. What kind of sexual response do you have?

You respond readily to sexually relevant stimuli but not to potential threats, so you’re easily aroused and have a difficult time preventing arousal. Which isn’t always as fun as it might sound, and it can, under some circumstances, lead to compulsive sexual behavior.

The sensitive accelerator plus not-so-sensitive brakes combination describes between 2 and 6 percent of women,
⁴
and it’s associated with sexual risk taking and compulsivity. Because the brain mechanism responsible for noticing sexually relevant stimuli is very sensitive, you’re highly motivated to pursue sex, and because the brain mechanism responsible for stopping you from doing things you know you shouldn’t do is only minimally functional, you may sometimes feel out of control of your sexuality, especially when you’re stressed. You’re likely to have more partners, use less protection, and feel less in control. You might also be more likely to want sex when you are stressed (“redliners”), whereas other women are likely to find that their interest in sex plummets when they’re stressed (“flatliners”).

What if you have the opposite combination—sensitive brakes plus not-so-sensitive accelerator? This describes about 1 to 4 percent of women and is associated with difficulty getting aroused, lack of interest
or desire, and problems with orgasm. If you have sensitive brakes, you’re very responsive to all the reasons
not
to be aroused, and if you have a relatively insensitive accelerator, it takes a lot of concentration and deliberate attention to tune in to sex.

A sensitive brake, regardless of the accelerator, is the strongest predictor of sexual problems of all kinds. In a 2008 survey of 226 women age eighteen to eighty-one, low interest in sex, arousal difficulties, and orgasm difficulty, were significantly correlated with inhibition factors, especially “arousal contingency” (“Unless things are ‘just right’ it is difficult for me to become sexually aroused”) and concerns about sexual function (“If I am worried about taking too long to become aroused or to orgasm, this can interfere with my arousal”).
⁵

You can complete the Sexual Temperament Questionnaire that follows to get an idea of how sensitive your own brakes and accelerator are. Don’t mistake this for actual science. It’s intended to guide you in your understanding of how your internal sexual response mechanism may influence your response to sexual stimulation, but it is just an approximation.
⁶
Recall, especially, that there are actually two different brakes—some people’s arousal is shut down more because of internal fears (e.g., taking too long to become aroused) and others are more affected by fears about external factors (e.g., getting an STI or getting caught having sex). Both can decrease your arousal, or prevent you from becoming aroused in the first place.

sexual temperament questionnaire

Inhibitors (SIS)

Circle the number of the answer that best describes you.

Unless things are “just right,” it is difficult for me to become sexually aroused.

When I am sexually aroused, the slightest thing can turn me off.

I
have
to trust a partner to become fully aroused.

If I am worried about taking too long to become aroused or to orgasm, this can interfere with my arousal.

Sometimes I feel so “shy” or self-conscious during sex that I cannot become fully aroused.

Total (out of 20) ____

Excitors (SES)

Circle the number of the answer that best describes you.

Often, just how someone smells can be a turn-on.

Seeing my partner doing something that shows their talent or intelligence, or watching them interacting well with others can make me very sexually aroused.

Having sex in a different setting than usual is a real turn-on for me.