Come Home (19 page)

Too little, too late.

“Honey?” Sam asked, and Jill realized she’d lost focus, remembering what Victoria had said, this morning.

“Sorry.”

“You were in that pool before I knew she was going under. I thought you were going to dive on top of Coach.”

Jill knew he was trying to cheer her up, but it wasn’t working. She felt so guilty, first over Abby, then over Victoria, and now over Megan. She’d been trying to mother all the girls and failing each of them. She didn’t know how she had managed being a mother of three before, or how any mother did it, with more than one child. It wasn’t just a juggling act, it was a
magic
act.

Sam touched her shoulder, gently. “Maybe we should think about making an appointment with Sandy, for Megan. Let her talk it out, explore her feelings about William’s death.”

“I’ll think about it.” Jill groaned. “I’m not only a bad mother, I’m a bad ex-stepmother.”

“It’s okay.” Sam rubbed her back. “You want some coffee? I saw vending machines in the hall.”

“I would, thanks.” Jill smiled up at him, and Sam bent down and kissed her on the cheek.

“Be right back. Hang tight.”

“Thanks. I really love you, you know that?”

Sam lifted his eyebrows, surprised. “What did I do right?”

“Everything. Sorry it was such a difficult weekend.”

“No apology necessary.” Sam flashed her a reassuring smile, then left.

Jill tilted her head backwards, against the wall. She wondered if Victoria had been right, and she had blown everything out of proportion. Maybe Abby had met a cute guy and stayed out all night. Maybe William wasn’t murdered but filled the scripts in disguise, for the reason Sam had said. Maybe Abby was in denial, and Jill had jumped at the chance to get back into her life, to have a permanently needy child at home.

We’re not yours anymore.

Jill swallowed hard. She thought of the Venn diagrams again and pictured herself stuck in the intersection of circles, a member of both families at once, conflating past and present. Katie had said that motherhood had no expiration date, and Jill had agreed, believing to the bone that that it transcended everything—biology, law, even time and space.

Abby’s in our family, Mom. You just can’t kick someone out of your family.

Jill thought of what Megan had said that day, feeling the weight of her words and their truth. Jill resolved to fight harder, for her family, and she couldn’t neglect Megan just because Abby was missing, especially because Megan was probably worried about Abby, too.

Jill slid her BlackBerry from her purse, relieved that she hadn’t had it in her back pocket when she’d jumped into the pool. She checked it, but there were no new messages from Abby.

I’m glad you didn’t change your phone number. Am I still A on your speed dial?

Jill scrolled to her phone log, found the last time that Abby had called her from her cell phone, and saved the number to her speed dial, under A.

Now all Abby had to do was call.

Chapter Twenty-seven

Jill set the swim bag and purse down in the entrance hall while Beef met them all at the front door, wagging his tail and sniffing all the strange new smells. “Hiya, Beef,” she said, dropping her key into the bowl.

“Hey, pal.” Megan scratched the golden behind the ears. “Guess what? We lost.”

Jill looked over. “Don’t let it bother you, honey.”

“Right.” Sam closed the door behind them, muffling the noise of a neighbor’s lawnmower. “Dogs don’t care about winning and losing. They’re too smart for that. They love you, no matter what.”

“I love you, too, boy.” Megan bent over and kissed Beef on the muzzle, and Sam whistled for the dog.

“Come on, Beefsteak. Wanna go out?” Sam went to the back door, and Beef trotted after him, his nails clicking on the hardwood.

“Let’s eat,” Jill said, going to her comfort default. “Anybody else hungry?”

“I am.” Megan flashed a game smile. She looked like herself again, her eyes bright and her hair dry, in its messy braid. She’d changed into a gray hoodie and jeans at the hospital, and the ER doc confirmed that she’d had a panic attack. She hadn’t asked any questions, and if it’d bothered her, she hadn’t let it show. Jill was wondering if that was part of the problem.

“Megan, I’m going upstairs to change, and I’ll be right back.”

“Okay. I’ll get a drink.”

“Oh, wait, I’ll get it for you.” Jill started into the kitchen, but Megan waved her off with a smile.

“Mom, I can get it myself. You don’t have to baby me.”

“Okay.” Jill checked herself. “Be right down.”

“Good. Love you.”

“Love you, too.” Jill gave her a quick kiss, then went upstairs to her bedroom and peeled off the clammy shirt, then her jeans. She was about to toss them in the hamper, but they felt heavy, and she realized she’d left her BlackBerry in her pocket. She pulled it out and checked the messages, but there were none. She slid into her go-to jeans and a thin white T-shirt under a navy cotton sweater, then found a barrette and clipped up her wet hair. She slid the phone into her back pocket and went downstairs to the kitchen.

“Hi, Mom.” Megan was writing in her binder, already doing her homework at the kitchen island. The pink troll doll that sat atop her pencil wiggled with each stroke, and her phone rested near her right hand.

“Hiya, sweetie. Why don’t you put your notebook away and take a break, until after dinner?”

“I can’t, I have to finish this dumb worksheet.” Megan wrote in her notebook while checking her phone.

“Honey, no phones at the table, okay?”

“We’re not eating yet, and everyone’s texting. They want to know how I am.” Megan looked up, eyes pleading, pencil poised. She had spent most of the ride home answering text messages, and Jill was guessing that the mystery boy was one of them.

“Okay, just for today.”

“Thanks. Can we have grilled cheese?”

“For dinner? I could make salmon, and we have brown rice.”

“Nah, I’m hungry, and I have to finish my homework.”

“Do you need more time? I can probably get you an extension, if we show them the ER doctor’s note.” Jill realized it was the wrong thing to say as soon as she’d said it, and Megan winced.

“No, I can do it, and I don’t mind grilled cheese. Is that okay?”

Sam came into the kitchen, with Beef trotting behind. “Grilled cheese is fine with me, too,” he said, going to the island.

“Grilled cheese it is.” Jill went to the fridge, feeling a warm rush of love for Sam. He’d eat anything to make Megan happy.

“Mom, can we put the tomato inside, like last time?”

“Sure.” Jill rummaged in the fridge and retrieved a block of cheddar cheese, bread, and two tomatoes.

“Awesome.” Megan filled in a blank on her worksheet, and Sam looked over her shoulder, sliding his reading glasses on.

“What’re you working on, kitten?”

“Health. It’s so dumb.”

Sam eyed the worksheet. “Ask me about fallopian tubes, go ahead. I’m an expert. I have five.”

“Eeeww!” Megan squealed, giving him a playful shove, and not long afterwards, the kitchen was filled with the delicious aroma of grilled cheese sandwiches, the merry noise of talk and laughter, and the sweet snoring of an overweight golden. Not to mention the occasional beep of a text message.

In other words, a family.

Or at least, most of one.

Chapter Twenty-eight

Jill took her time tucking Megan into bed, because that was when they usually talked things over. She knew Megan had a lot on her mind, because she’d grown quieter as night fell. “How you doing, sweetie?” Jill asked, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“I’m okay, I guess.” Megan pulled her covers up, watching Beef circle a few times before assuming his customary curl on the bed. “He’s making his glazed doughnut.”

“He’s beyond cute.”

“What a good dog.” Megan patted Beef’s back, where his coat curled in waves.

“He sure is.” Jill moved some hair back from Megan’s face, and her eyes glowed in the warm light from the lamp, on her nighttable. White dots of acne medication made a constellation on her chin.

“Did you throw my other sheets away?”

“No, Sam took them to the Laundromat. The comforter, too. Wasn’t that nice of him? So I didn’t have to.”

Megan grinned. “Gross, right?”

“I’ll say. What a guy.”

“You don’t always have to tell me how great Sam is. I know he’s great. I love him.”

Jill’s throat caught. She hadn’t realized she did that, but Megan was right. “I love him, too,” she said, simply. “So what’s on your mind? I can tell those wheels are turning.”

Megan frowned, her smooth forehead creased by one tiny line. “Like, I don’t know what comes after you die. What do you really think happens?”

“Really?” Jill guessed Megan was talking about William, and maybe Gray, too. “I think your spirit lives on, with God. I think all your emotion and thought and heart can’t just vanish.”

“Do you think somebody killed William? Courtney says there would be more evidence, like
CSI.
”

Jill hoped to ease Megan’s mind, not upset her before bed. “I don’t know, but I told the police about it, and they’re looking into it.”

“You did? When?”

“Today. That’s why I was late to the meet, and I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s okay, Sam told me. Do you think Abby’s okay?”

“I’m sure she is.”

“But she still hasn’t called you. I saw you checking your phone, after dinner.”

“I’m hoping she will soon.”

“I sent her a message on Facebook, but she didn’t answer yet. I sent one to Victoria, too. She didn’t answer, either.”

Jill hid her annoyance at Victoria. “When did you do that?”

“When I was doing my homework.”

Jill let it go. She didn’t like the multitasking that Megan did, but she knew it couldn’t be stopped. Her own mother used to say, do one thing at a time, but those days were long gone.

“Abby has lots of guy friends on her Facebook page. I was thinking that she could be with a guy friend. Maybe she’s not really gone, or missing.”

“You’re right, that’s what I’m hoping. Don’t worry about Abby. Leave that to me.” Jill tugged the comforter up, and next to Megan, Beef lowered his head onto his paws, closing his eyes. “You need to get a good night’s sleep.”

“Am I lame because I had a panic attack?” Megan asked, after a moment.

“No, of course not.” Jill kissed her warmly on the cheek. “It’s been a hard weekend, with the news about William. On top of that you have homework, the meet, Abby, and your Guitar Hero. There’s a lot of emotion, all at once. It’s too much for anybody to deal with, even somebody as strong as you.”

“I thought I was having a heart attack.”

“I bet. You weren’t, it just felt that way.”

“I thought I was going to die. You can’t die from a panic attack, can you?”

“No, of course not.” Jill stroked her cheek.

“I mean, what if I die tonight? In my sleep?”

“Honey, no, that can’t happen.” Jill was about to launch into a medical explanation, but stopped when she read Megan’s expression. Her brow wrinkled deeply, and her lips clenched over her braces, in what was becoming a nervous habit. Megan was an anxious little girl in the body of a young woman, and she didn’t need a pediatrician, she needed a mom. Jill gathered her up and gave her a big hug. “Everything’s going to be okay, honey. Don’t worry about a thing.”

“Wanna lie down with me a while, Mom? Like we used to?”

“Good idea.” Jill released Megan, then reached up and turned off the light, leaving them both in a soft, velvety darkness. “Move over, okay?”

“Sure.” Megan shifted over in bed, and so did Beef, which left a skinny strip for Jill at the edge of the bed, only as wide as a balance beam, but familiar to mothers everywhere.

“Perfect,” Jill said, meaning it, and she hugged Megan close, feeling her body relax.

“You sure I won’t die?”

“Positive.” Jill hadn’t realized that when Megan was asking about death, she was asking about her own. “It’s impossible. Don’t worry about it, at all. Okay?”

“Okay.” Megan paused. “Did you really kiss thousands of guys, Mom?”

“
Millions.
” Jill laughed, and so did Megan.

Sam’s silhouette appeared in the door. “What’s going on in here? Sounds like you two girls need adult supervision.”

Jill was about to answer, but Megan beat her to it, opening her arms to him.

“Sam,” Megan called out. “Come in! Kitten needs hugs! Hugs!”

“Talked me into it.” Sam walked over, piling into bed and giving Megan a big hug, and Jill watched Megan cling to him. Sam was a true father to her, not just the father figure that William had been, and it would kill Megan to lose him.

Jill had to find a way to make it work, when Abby came home.

If Abby came home.

Chapter Twenty-nine

It was Monday morning, and Jill walked from the parking lot to the office, trying to switch mental gears. She’d worried about Megan and Abby all night, tossing and turning, but she’d have to put them to the back of her mind today. Flu season was like tax time for germs, and she’d need to focus at work. She’d called Padma about Rahul, and he was still feverish. She wished she’d ordered his bloodwork stat, just so she’d have the answer.

PEMBEY FAMILY PRACTICE
, read the carved wooden sign in front of the large stone home, one of many on the street that had been converted to offices for doctors, lawyers, and accountants. Pembey was the town next to Jill’s, only twenty minutes from her house, and a suburban practice had been just the ticket while Megan was still young.

Jill opened the door onto the waiting room, greeted by its freshened air and soothing blue décor. Big bay windows made it feel cheery, homey, and bright, even on an overcast day like today. Patients occupied most of the comfy blue-patterned chairs, reading magazines or typing into BlackBerrys, but none of the patients was hers. She didn’t have anybody for half an hour, and she’d come in early to catch up on her charting and insurance paperwork, which was endless. Pembey Family took fifteen types of insurance, and Aetna alone was four of them.