Come Pour the Wine (18 page)

“Sorry, brother dear, but there’s that one special moment in every person’s life and for me that moment was marrying Nat. I didn’t want to share it with anyone. It’s crazy, but then whoever said I was sane? But tonight I want to share it with those I feel closest to. I just wish Nat’s mother and father were here … well, when they get back from Europe we’ll have a bash.”

Bill felt uneasy too. Kit’s words hung in his thoughts.
What the hell is freedom?
As Janet moved restlessly at his side he drew the sheet over her shoulder and looked at her in the dark shadows of the room. What he’d seen tonight between Kit and Nat reminded him of the saying that you’re not really whole until it’s we, not me … But I’ve never really even been
me …
No, I’ve spent my whole life being or reacting to what other people wanted me to be. He’d always been pulled in two directions, as his mother’s and sisters’ darling little boy or his father’s successful man-of-the-world son. And now he had a choice between being Janet McNeil’s husband, maybe even someone’s father, or being her lover and finally his own person. Janet
McNeil?
Weddings always affected people.

The next day at work Janet was slipping into her jacket to go out for lunch when Kit walked into the dressing room.

“What are you doing here? I thought you’d be on your honeymoon.”

“I am … have been for two years. Come on, I’ll buy you lunch.”

As they sat over salads in their favorite restaurant, Kit said, “I gave my notice today. I’m through showing off this fabulous body of mine … going to save it for Nat only.”

“I’ll miss you, Kit,” Janet said very quietly.

“Why? I’m only giving up modeling, not going to Outer Mongolia.”

“I know, but it won’t be the same. For me, I mean.”

“Why, do you think getting married takes you away from the world? We’ll still meet for lunch, for God’s sake, and continue as we have before.”

“Of course we will … Being married must be wonderful—”

“It is,” Kit replied after a pause. “It’s something you can’t explain. Here Nat and I carried on like mad for two years and on our wedding night I felt like a virgin, an honest-to-God bride. Would you believe it?”

“I’m very happy for you, Kit. It all seemed so sudden, though. You never mentioned getting married—”

“It wasn’t sudden at all, not really. Nat kept badgering me and I kept telling him I was a lousy risk.”

“Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know. I could have gone on with Nat for the rest of my life just as we were and never being unfaithful. It was just my own crazy fears, I guess.” Kit broke off and took a sip of her Bloody Mary, uncomfortably aware of Janet’s surprised expression.

“I’d never imagine you being afraid of anything, Kit. Why were you afraid of getting married?” Janet watched as her friend carefully folded the moist edges of her cocktail napkin around the bottom of her glass, then smoothed it flat again.

“I adored my mother and father,” Kit finally said. “There weren’t two more wonderful people in the world. I was sixteen when they went off on a holiday and died in an airplane crash. I went completely to pieces … wound up in a sanitarium for a year. I never told you, I guess because it’s no use reliving the thing. But I was very bitter. It seemed so senseless that they should die. So damned unjust … I just hated the whole damn world … it was impossible to believe in anything. Somehow I managed to get through the next few years, but the pain of losing them hadn’t softened too much. Maybe that’s why I reached out to Bill that summer. Then I met Nat two years ago. I don’t know exactly what attracted me to him, but attracted I was and I needed a lover, a sweet, tender lover to make me feel … some emotion. Nat did that. Then I got scared when I realized I was beginning to like him more than I wanted to. We broke up any number of times … it was all my fault. He put up with a hell of a lot of nonsense from me but he kept coming back. Don’t think I didn’t know I was destroying the best thing that ever happened to me. But tell a drunk not to take a drink. I was crazy nuts with fear.”

“But what were you afraid of?”

“Afraid to love because loving always seemed to result in pain. Losing the most important people in your life changes you. You get gun-shy … sure, parents die, but they should have lived a full life right into old age. That’s the way it should have been. But my mother was thirty-seven and my father was buried on his fortieth birthday.” She paused and took a sip from her drink. “Well anyway, Nat hung in there with me through brimstone and fire. To make a story short, the other day he gave me an ultimatum. It was either-or. He wants to start a family. I’m twenty-five and I don’t want to risk losing Nat and going through life without someone to love. I guess he taught me that love can give you enough emotional ballast to accept whatever comes. It wasn’t an easy lesson to learn, but Nat was a good teacher.” Kit smiled. “Yes, sir, he sure was, and all those ghosts are just about gone. I’m going to have a family as soon as possible. It will be like being reborn. Literally and figuratively. It took Nat to make me see that … Did you know that Jews name their children for the dead? It’s like the perpetuation of life. And it’s just one of a whole lot of reasons I’m going to become Jewish … Nat and I are going to Europe. We’re meeting his folks in Paris, then spending a month in London. I’m going to buy up a storm in furniture because when we come home we’re going to buy a place in Westchester. Janet, I’m going to be the best wife and mother the world ever saw. Mrs. Nathan Weiss is going to lick the
whole
goddamn world … My God, I have to clean up my language, for the children’s sake. Seriously … I don’t need the cussing anymore because the anger is gone. Anger and love are mutually incompatible.”

Kit’s courage, strength seemed to fortify Janet. Love really
could
conquer all. Looking at the peace in Kit’s eyes she realized that, yes, Bill had his fears too, and she understood them, thanks in part to Kit.

That evening, she felt closer to her goal when Bill said, “We’re driving out to Long Island on Sunday.” She knew he’d never done that before … taken a girl home to his mother.

Happy as she was about it, she became more nervous as the week wore on, and by the time they drove up in front of the mansion she had a stomach full of very active butterflies. Would his mother like her? And if she didn’t … ? Kit had told her that Mrs. McNeil wasn’t likely to relinquish her claim without a battle. Yes … it was true that she and Bill were becoming closer all the time, but if he were forced to choose …

Janet waited nervously in the living room with Bill for Mrs. McNeil to come down that long winding staircase. When Mrs. McNeil finally made her entrance, she was dressed in a long flowered chiffon gown. She was not the diminutive, aging creature Janet had imagined from Bill’s description. She looked both regal and formidable. Intimidating, in fact, at least to Janet. This woman could change her life.
Stop it, Janet.
But the admonition had little effect. The echo of Kit’s words sounded too clearly.

“Mother, this is Janet Stevens.”

Mrs. McNeil took Janet’s hands in hers and held them. “You
are just
as Bill described you … so very, very lovely, my dear, and I couldn’t be more
pleased
at Bill’s choice … I’m so happy for my son.”

Bill paled at his mother’s words. He had told her very little about Janet. Nothing, in fact, except that while she was a lovely person he was far from sure about his feelings or intentions. And yet here his mother was acting as though they had just announced their engagement … ?

Why indeed … Because Violet had debated with herself how best to handle the situation and being a veteran at handling such matters, had decided that no apparent offense gave the opposition no defense. To argue with Bill would only push him closer to this girl. She knew her Bill. He had, more and more, a mind of his own, it seemed, and had already made one upsetting break. Bill was not Jason, who mostly could be wrapped around her little finger except for that time he defied her and sent Bill to military school … Violet looked at her son, took his hand. “You’re a naughty boy not to have brought this beautiful child to meet me sooner. Of course you
have
been traveling a lot recently. I’d forgotten about that.” Still smiling graciously, she turned from him to Janet. “Now come sit down, dear, and tell me all about yourself.”

All of Janet’s fears went up in smoke that moment. It was almost too much to believe that Bill had told his mother all about her, and it could mean only one thing, couldn’t it? And perhaps the battle Kit had warned her about was already in the past and Mrs. McNeil had made her peace with Bill’s decision? It certainly seemed so, judging by her obvious interest as she drew Janet into conversation about herself, doing her best, it seemed, to put Janet at ease …

It was Bill who seemed tense, even surly with his mother. He didn’t relax until Harriet and Gordon walked in. Harriet threw her arms around Bill. “Sorry we’re late, but Gordon got into a sandtrap and couldn’t hack himself out … I think it took fifteen strokes.”

“That’s a lie, Harriet, and you know it. I was out in three … Glad to see you, Bill.”

Bill shook hands with him, then said, “Janet, I want you to meet my sister Harriet, and Gordon, my brother-in-law.”

Harriet looked like Bill. A handsome woman, tall, athletic and tanned. Her eyes and the gentle pressure of her handshake seemed to say that she knew how tough it was to meet a man’s family for the first time, and her genuine and open manner put Janet immediately at ease. Gordon was no less cordial, and by now Janet was both pleased and perplexed. They were all behaving so differently than she’d expected. Even—or especially—Bill.

“Gordon, you fix drinks while I go up and change,” Harriet said, starting up the stairs with her cleated shoes in hand.

Bill followed his sister. “Harriet, I want to talk to you.”

“Sure, but it will have to wait for a few minutes. I need a shower.”

While he waited for her to come out of the bathroom he stood by the bedroom window, looking out to the oak tree he’d climbed as a boy. He’d slept in the treehouse one night without telling his mother, he recalled, and she had frantically set their half dozen gardeners on a search of the grounds. In the morning he had finally surrendered, and now he felt a perverse combination of pleasure and pain over the amount of worry he’d caused.

“So what do you want to talk about?” Harriet asked, rousing him from his reverie as she entered the room.

“Harriet, you’ve got to do something about mother.”

“Such as?”

“Have a talk with her. You should have been here earlier.”

“Really? Why?” she asked, sitting down on the bed to towel-dry her hair.

“When I introduced her to Janet she acted like the mother-in-law to be.”

“She was only being polite. For Pete’s sake, isn’t there any pleasing you? She could have been a stinker, you know.”

“I almost wish she had. But she went to the other extreme.”

“How?”

“By deliberately giving Janet the impression I had confided in her. She blew the whole thing out of proportion. I didn’t tell her I was in love—”

“Are you?”

“Well … no, damn it. But that’s the way mother made it sound. The truth is, Janet’s the first girl I’ve ever been this nuts about. But love? I just don’t know.”

“Why did you insist on bringing her then? You must have known the way mother would take it.”

He shook his head. “You’re right.” He hesitated before saying, “Harriet, can I trust you?”

“I shouldn’t think you’d have to ask.”

“The reason this whole thing came up with mother at all is that the only time Janet and I have together is weekends. We … well, the truth is we’re lovers and because of her crazy profession we don’t have many late evenings on weekdays. She’s a model—”

“Now
I know where I saw her face, in
Harper’s.
It was like
déjà vu
when we met … Sorry, go on.”

“The problem is that I can’t get up on Sunday mornings and tell Janet, ‘Sorry, the party’s over. I have to go home and see my mother.’ I like her very, very much and—”

“Then why don’t you get married?”

Bill let out a long, exasperated sigh. “Every single guy over twenty is asked the same question. Kit was impossible … Incidentally, she got married.”

“Good for her. I hope she’ll be happy. After what she’s been through, she deserves it … But you didn’t answer my question. Why
don’t
you get married?”

“Because I’m not ready—”

“When do you think you will be?”

“How do I know?”

“Haven’t you thought about it?”

“Sure, but somehow I always think when I’m thirty.”

“So where does that leave this girl? She’s lovely and if I’m any judge, she loves you.”

“You could tell that fast? Come on …”

“That’s right … Listen, do you know how tough it is for a girl to meet a guy’s family? It’s like standing in the buff in the middle of Times Square. If you like her, come to a decision. A woman in love can’t take the strain of an affair indefinitely.”

“But that’s also maybe pushing a guy into a position he’s not ready for. That’s not fair, is it?”

“Sorry, Bill. I’m just telling you the facts from a woman’s standpoint. And Janet, as I believe you gentlemen say, is all woman …”

“We’ve only known each other a short time,” he said slowly.

“Look, Bill, I’d be the last to push you. I think you’re right to be cautious. Marriage is a big step, and once you’ve taken it you’ll never be the same, not ever. So give yourself time, but don’t take forever. And don’t keep your Janet dangling. That’s not fair either. And it could be fatal.”

Bill was noticeably uncommunicative on the drive back to the city, and Janet became more and more uncomfortable. But she was stunned when he pulled up in front of the Barbizon to let her off. She’d assumed that he would take her back to his apartment to spend the night, that the introduction to his family had been a sort of declaration. She received his quick good night kiss silently, feeling abandoned, let down as she got out of the car and watched him drive off.