Come to Me Recklessly (5 page)

“That’s incredible.”

“Thank you.”

I glanced at my phone. We’d already been at the coffee shop for two hours. “I’d better get going. I’m taking up your entire Saturday.” I looked at her with a sincere and happy smile. “It was really great catching up with you. I’m so happy for you. I hope you know that.”

She returned my smile with a warm and honest one of her own. “I think I do know that.” She paused, seeming to waver, before she rushed out, “Don’t say no before you hear me out, but we’re having a small get-together tonight at our house, just a barbecue with a couple of guys from Jared’s work.”

I immediately started to protest, but she held up her hand. “Christopher won’t be there. He already had plans with one of his other friends and said he couldn’t make it. I’d love for you to come.”

My mouth snapped closed. I wasn’t sure if it was in disappointment or relief.

Victory glinted in Aly’s eyes.

Yep, she could see right through me.

“Come over at seven. I’ll text you our address. I’m betting you could walk over if you wanted to.”

Quickly I stood, flooded with a sudden and overwhelming need to escape again. Still, there was no stopping the surrender that rushed from my mouth.

“Okay.”

I scratched out a quick message to Ben and stuck the little pink sticky note to the refrigerator. He was out with the guys. Again. And again, it’d only filled me with relief. When he’d called to tell me he’d be out, a silent
thank God
had come like a fierce whisper, whipping through my consciousness, a voice that was quiet but almost terrifying because it spoke with honesty. Without warning, piercing my thoughts. And more and more, it came too often.

Went to hang out with some friends. Be back soon.
I smoothed my finger over the top edge of my note, making sure it was secure. Guilt tickled along my ribs before it spiraled down into a dark pool of foreboding in my stomach.

Tomorrow, I’d tell Ben where I’d gone tonight. I wasn’t a liar, and I wasn’t about to become one now.

My feelings shifted just about as quickly as the guilt came on. Almost indignant, I stamped my foot as I turned and headed for the door, grabbing my purse from the table. I wasn’t doing anything wrong, and I didn’t have to give Ben an explanation. I didn’t owe him or have to stick to his rules.

The sick part was, I was having trouble convincing my heart of that.

Probably a whole lot of that had to do with the way I trembled as I stepped outside into the evening. Color slashed across the horizon, blazing pinks and purples and blues as the sun cast sharp rays of light into the sky, the bright orb squatting low as it eased away. Heat saturated the air, hot and heavy, though it’d waned from the harsh intensity of the blistering day.

Still, I shook as a roll of cold chills slipped down my spine.

Foolish, foolish girl,
I chastised myself for the hundredth time in just the last five minutes, adding to the millions of other times I’d berated myself for agreeing to go to Aly’s since I’d left her at the coffee shop earlier today. Everything about this was foolish. I knew it in my gut, felt it strongly as the anticipation that had simmered all week threatened to rise to a boil.

But no matter how foolish it was, there was no stopping myself from lifting my chin and marching in the direction of her house.

Of course I’d figured out where she lived long before she’d texted me her address, my fingers too curious after I’d seen Aly and her family at Target not to dig, searching out the names of the homeowners in the little family neighborhood we lived in.

It took me less than two minutes to find Jared Holt.

All I had to do was make a right at the end of my street and travel three houses down. Less than a five-minute walk.

And here I was, traversing that distance, my sandals pounding the sidewalk as if they had every right to take me to this careless destination.

Aly had told me the get-together was casual, so I still wore my favorite jean shorts, though I’d traded out my plain tank top for a dressier one, red and satiny with a pretty lace cutout at the back. I’d ironed my hair into long sheets of blond, my straight bangs cropped low across my forehead.

I felt pretty, confident, and completely brainless at the same time.

When I rounded the corner, I found a few cars lining the street just ahead, right where I knew Jared and Aly’s house would be. I sucked in a breath and increased my speed, unwilling to back out now, even though my ears were ringing with a chorus of warning bells that I couldn’t shut off.

I headed up the walkway and rang the doorbell. Biting at my lip, I fidgeted with the hem of my shirt while I waited.

Foolish. Foolish. Foolish.
 

The door swung open so quickly I almost gasped.

Aly was there, and she immediately leaped for me, squeezing me in a welcoming hug. “You’re here!” She pulled back, mischief playing all over her face. “I was beginning to think I was going to have to come down to your house and drag you over.”

I laughed and stepped inside. “Sorry I’m late.”

She shook her head. “Not to worry. We’re just getting ready to eat.”

The layout of Aly’s house was almost exactly like mine, although everything had been flipped, the master bedroom to the left when mine was on the right, their kitchen on the right when mine was on the left. Their house was decorated much differently, though, modern and sleek, yet warm at the same time.

Home.
 

I knew in Aly’s eyes, that’s exactly what this was.

She took my hand. “Everyone’s out back. Come on, I’ll introduce you to our friends.”

She led me through the spacious family room, through the open area that separated the dining room and kitchen, and out the sliding glass door into their backyard.

Just off to the left, two outdoor table sets took up the patio, umbrellas still lifted to block the remnants of the day. My eyes swept over the people there, three men and two women. One of the women held Ella, smothering her in kisses, while the other watched a little brown-haired boy playing from where she sat in her chair. The little guy, who couldn’t have been more than two, tottered around on the… grass.

They had grass.

“How in the world do you get grass to grow?” I asked. “I’ve tried for the last year. I was pretty sure it was impossible here.”

Aly laughed and waved an indulgent hand at her husband, who was manning the grill set up off to the right. “Oh, Jared has his ways… he’s out here pretty much every day, loving it and sweet-talking it, showering it with so much affection and water it has no choice but to grow. I’m starting to get jealous.”

Jared flipped a couple of burgers, slanted a playful eye at his wife. “Baby, you know all I do, I do for you.”

Slinking up to him, she lifted on her toes and pressed a kiss to his jaw. “It’d better be.”

She began to back away, but he caught her around the waist and buried his face in her hair.

My first instinct was to drop my gaze, to look away, because everything about them was so intimate. But I got the distinct feeling they were always this way, and if I was going to be in their space, it was probably something I should get used to.

Jared lifted his chin toward me in a casual
hello
.

Proof enough. This was them, sweet and good, and I couldn’t help but sink more and more into their comfort, more and more feeling as if I belonged, even though seeing it ate at me, and somewhere inside, the broken part of me flared with pain.

I pushed the thought aside and smiled. “Can you come and sweet-talk some grass into growing at my place? I don’t think weeds even attempt to grow in the wasteland that is my backyard.”

Jared laughed, wholehearted and free. “You’ll have to take that up with my wife. If she’s jealous of her own grass, not sure how she’s gonna take me going over and lovin’ on yours.”

Aly’s green eyes glinted, and she hugged his arm tighter against her stomach. “I have to admit, I’m not so good at sharing him. Even with old friends.”

Untangling herself from his hold, she crossed back to me, led me over to the tables, and introduced me to their other guests. I shook hands with James and his wife Livette, James a friend of Jared’s from work. The little boy, Cayden, belonged to them. Two single guys, Kurt and Simon, were also both friends of Jared’s. The second woman, Megan, was Aly’s best friend.

“It’s so nice to meet you all,” I said. Every second I spent here put me a little more at ease, and I began to wonder what it was I had been so freaked-out about when I stepped out my door. I liked Aly. There was nothing wrong with that.

“Beer, wine, soda?” Aly asked, pausing before she went back inside.

“Oh, go for the red,” Megan cut in, lifting her near-empty wineglass. “It’s delicious.”

“Yeah, and if you have any more of it, your auntie duties are cut off for the night,” Jared called out from the grill, wielding his spatula in her direction.

Megan chuckled and shook her head, her hold protective as she rocked Ella on her chest. “I’ve had half a glass.”

“Exactly,” he returned.

Megan widened her blue eyes as she looked at me. “He’s not overprotective or anything.”

I giggled. Apparently not at all.

She inclined her head to the empty seat next to her. “Come sit and keep me company.”

Rounding the table, I settled down into the free chair. “Thanks.”

Her smile was genuine, a lot like Aly’s. I had a hard time trusting women, always putting up a wall, never quite believing they wouldn’t turn around and sink their teeth into me. High school had been rough, all the taunts and teases for no apparent reason other than the gang of mean girls decided they didn’t like me. Didn’t like my family or what they stood for, since my father was a pastor. Because of them, I tended to keep most people at arm’s length. Real friends were hard to come by, and truthfully, I had none of them, no one except for my mom and Stewart.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Megan murmured almost conspiratorially. “This place is always overrun with men. I’m not sure how much more testosterone I can take.”

“Hey,” Kurt shot out, taking a swig of his beer. “I’m sitting right here. I can
hear
you.”

She slanted me a smile. “See what I mean?”

I just sat back, fighting a grin, happy to accept the glass of wine Aly offered me, more than happy when Megan finally gave up her claim and passed Ella to me.

My heart did that crazy thing again, pulsing with affection for a little girl I really didn’t know but somehow felt an affinity for, all the same.

She was a Moore. A piece of
him
. Like Aly. Like Jared. Jared might not have been blood, but he and Christopher were bonded in a way few ever got a chance to experience. I knew firsthand how much Christopher loved Jared. How devastated he’d been. How it’d made him desperate and broken and lost.

Emotion fisted my throat, pressing on my deflated chest as I stared down at the perfect face of the slumbering girl.

What was I doing? Wedging myself into their lives? It was as if I was trying to carve out a spot for myself in a place where I’d always believed I belonged, forcing myself to fit when that place had been cut off long ago.

Slowly, I rocked Ella, loving the feel of her tiny body curled up on my chest.

Maybe it was pathetic and dangerous, being here. That didn’t mean it didn’t feel right.

“All right, I think dinner is ready. You all better be hungry. Aly might have overdone it at the grocery store this afternoon.” Jared balanced a huge platter of burgers and brats as he went inside. We all followed him, filling our plates with too much food before coming back out to the patio, where we ate and drank, enjoying the descending night. Laughter rolled through their yard, voices free and kind.

I allowed myself to relax into their peace, for once letting myself go.

Three glasses of wine and a full plate later, I was stuffed and satisfied.

“Dinner was delicious, Jared. Thank you.”

He smiled over at me from where he rested on his chair, his booted foot casually tilting him back as he sipped at a beer. “It was good to have you here.” His expression shifted, searching, as if from across the table his ice blue eyes could see right through me, working to define my intentions, figuring out if I was the same girl Christopher had rescued and then destroyed.

Sometimes I thought if Christopher had just left me for the vultures who flocked around me in high school, I would have fared better.

Maybe Jared recognized that I was not the same – simply because it was Christopher who had changed me – because his eyes narrowed infinitesimally, as if maybe he was just now asking himself all those questions I’d been silently asking for so many years.

But deep inside me, pieces of that shy girl remained, the one who’d so stupidly fallen hard and fallen fast.

A crush,
my mother had said.

But crushes didn’t last for years. They didn’t tear you up and rip you apart.

On a heavy exhale, I stood, for a moment needing to remove myself. “Can I use your restroom?”

“It’s right down the hall,” Aly answered.

“Thank you,” I said as I excused myself, hating the bipolar mess I seemed to be, one second getting all cozy in their house and the next again having that overwhelming urge to run.

In the guest bathroom, I freshened up, hoping to clear my head. Studying myself in the mirror, I dug in my pocket for the tube of lip gloss. I smeared the clear, shimmery gel over my red lips, puckered them before they spread out into their natural pout. My blue eyes were sad and soft, as if they were letting me glimpse the state of my heart after spending the evening with these amazing people.

I blew back my bangs and tucked my lip gloss away, unlocked the door, and ventured out.

Stepping into the hall, I froze, and my heart lifted to my throat in the same moment my stomach completely bottomed out. My feet faltered and I reached for the wall with my shaking hand, catching myself before I fell to the ground.

Because being here had done exactly what I’d anticipated it would do, what I’d secretly hoped would happen even if more and more being here had become about spending time with Aly and her family.

It had brought me face-to-face with Christopher.

Only he hadn’t seen me in the shadows of the darkened hall, and he had no clue I was there. I watched him, my fingers digging into the textured wall to keep from falling to my knees.

God, how many times had I imagined this? Seeing him again. What it would feel like, if it’d feel the same or less or more, if I’d burn up with desire or if I’d realize the years had only exaggerated the memories of him, building him up into something he was not.

What I never imagined was he would crush me anew.

As much as I wanted to look away, my gaze was locked on the boy who held every piece of my heart. There was no question of it now. No denying what I felt or the way he affected me.

Only now he was no longer a boy, but a man. From my vantage I watched as he smiled his cocky smile, predatory, both warning and promising his prey of the plunder and pillage he was getting ready to unleash on her. He oozed danger and menace, all of that wrapped up in one big, playful bow. His perfect jaw clenched as a tease fluttered all over his full lips, his green eyes gleaming as they prowled over some girl he’d brought with him. She faced away from me, facing him.