Coming Down (28 page)

And
still I wait, because that’s the only thing I can do.

It takes five minutes for her to calm
down enough to speak, though it feels so much longer. She turns to me with wide eyes and asks, “Where will I go?”

How terrible
not to know where you belong. I understand that feeling all too well. I tried to escape it by getting married, but even then it haunted me.

“
You can come with me, if you’ll have me. It might take a few days, and you’ll have to stay here and be very brave, but I promise you I’ll sort things out as quickly as I can.

She inches a little closer to me.
Her movement’s barely perceptible but it’s
there
.

“
I have to find us somewhere to live, and I need to talk with your social worker about some grown-up stuff.” I lean closer, hoping she can feel how serious I am. “But I’m going to sort things out as fast as I can, because I want you with me.”

Her bottom lip trembles.
“But Mum said I shouldn’t talk to you.”

Oh God, how to discuss this without shadowing her memory of Daisy?
“I think... I think she’d want you to be with me. I know she was angry with me, but we would have made up. Like when you have a spat with your friends. Eventually you get over it, right?”

Allegra nods slowly.

“Well it was a bit like that. We argued about something stupid, but I still loved her. And you. We just had a difference of opinion.”

“
What did you argue about?” Her voice is quiet, almost contemplative.

“
About Darren.” I try to keep it as basic as possible. “I don’t like him very much but I upset your mum when I told her.”

She
’s silent. I watch as she picks at the bobbles in her blanket, pulling off fibres and letting them fall gently onto the sheet. When she looks up at me, there’s something resembling understanding in her eyes.

“
I don’t like him very much either.” She whispers it, as if he’s close enough to hear. There’s so much to deal with, not only her mum’s death, but the way Darren treated her. It’s going to take more than a few weeks to mend her broken heart.

29

When Niall arrives later that afternoon I all but throw myself into his arms. Unlike me, he’s showered and dressed and is wearing a button-down shirt and navy trousers. He’s kind enough to ignore my dishevelled state. He holds me tightly, kissing my face with soft lips. I sort of melt into him, trying to absorb him by osmosis. I want his strength, his determination. In return I give him my paralysing fear.

“
They won’t let me take her.” Three hours of meetings and about a hundred forms later, they told me it could take weeks for any application to go through. “Until I have a stable home they’re keeping her here.”

He tilts his head. Though his expression is sympathetic it isn
’t shocked. I guess I got my hopes up and thought being on the inside would help me. All it did was land me with a hot cup of disappointment.

“
We should get a lawyer,” he says. My eyebrows rise up when I hear him say “we”. “Do you know any good ones?”

For the first time in
days I feel the urge to laugh, because I know a whole bloody chamber full of them, not that it’s any good to me now. “Apart from Simon?”

Niall
stares at me for a minute. His next sentence is completely unexpected. “You should call him.”

One minute he
’s kissing me, the next he’s telling me to call my husband. I don’t know what to make of it.

“
Really?”

“
What? You think I’m gonna get all macho and ban you from seeing him?” His lips twitch as if he’s trying to suppress a laugh. “That’s not me, you know that.”

Running
his fingers through my ratty hair, he smooths it away from my face. I can’t stop staring at him. Does he know how right he makes me feel? Like I’m not that ditzy girl who broke down for years after Digby’s death. He looks at me as if I’m strong. Capable of anything.

“
I love you.” I say it because I can’t think of anything else. Because it feels as though my chest will explode if I keep it in any longer.

This time he has the good grace to look surprised.
“Because I told you to call your ex?”

“
Because you’re you. I wanted to tell you before, when we were at your studio but...”

He starts to laugh.
“You had your mouth full at the time?”

I hit him on the arm but the grin doesn
’t slide from his lips. So I lean forward to kiss it away, brushing my mouth against his. He kisses me back and I feel the curve of his lips as his smile widens.

“
I love you, too. So fucking much. And that’s why we’re going to sort this out. You, me and a whole army of ex-husbands. Whatever it takes.”

When I call Simon the first thing he does is offer me his house. Of course I decline, telling him I couldn
’t afford to run it. The truth is I can’t even picture us there. It’s Simon’s house and always will be.

He sounds relieved when I say no, then starts telling me about a friend of a friend who has a tiny cottage
to rent in Brighton. For a minute I think he’s making inane conversation and I feel myself start to bristle. Only then do I realise he’s offering it to me.

“
Brighton?” I sound sceptical. “You think I should move there?”

Niall looks from his phone, his expression unreadable. His eyes stay on me as I listen to Simon.

“It’s just an option,” Simon continues. “The cost of living is cheaper than London and children love the sea.”

For a minute I can picture Allegra on the pebbled beach, wind lifting her hair and pinking her cheeks. In my imagination she looks happy and that makes me start to wonder.

“Brighton...” I say again. Niall smiles and looks back down at his phone. “What’s the rent like?”

We talk for a while longer. Simon promises to email some more details of the cottage, and then tells me he
’s going to speak with the family law section to find out what I can do. He doesn’t mention last night, or his pleas for me to return.

Maybe he really has accepted it this time.

When we say goodbye I feel almost hopeful, enough to smile at Niall when he stands up and walks toward me.

“
What’s that for?”

“
What?”

“
That smile?”

“
You mean this one?” I bare my teeth at him, grinning like a loon. “I’m smiling because you’re lovely. And not at all macho.”

He looks affronted, though I think it
’s a ruse. “I’m macho.” When he pulls me into his arms and lifts me off my feet I start to giggle. “And later, when you’re ready, I’ll show you just how macho I can be.”

* * *

Later that evening I’m standing in Niall’s shower, letting the powerful spray wash away the stress of the day. It took some persuasion to take me away from the home, but the support workers promised I could come back after dinner and spend the night with Allegra again.

After I rinse the conditioner from my hair, I step out and wrap a towel around my body, shivering slightly in spite of the summer heat. It
’s not the first time I’ve been in Niall’s bedroom, but it’s the first time I’ve been in here alone. I can’t help but be a little bit nosy as I wander around his space.

Glancing in his wardrobe, I see he
’s just as messy at home as he is in his car. The floor is covered with a myriad of different trainers and shoes. A couple of t-shirts lie on top of them, having fallen from their hangers. The disorder isn’t limited to his clothes, however. The rest of his room is filled with canvasses and paints, propped against walls and stacked in corners. I have to give it to him: he’s managed to use every available space.

On the dresser next to his wardrobe is a photograph of his family. H
is arm is slung around his mum. Next to him are two men that look so alike they must be his brothers. They share the same inky-black hair and piercing blue eyes. I remember from our first time together that they are younger than him, but for the life of me I can’t remember their names.

There’s s
till so much to learn.

Sitting down on the edge of his mattress, I use a second towel to dry my hair. At some point he
’s taken his watch off and has laid it on his bedside table, and I lean over to check the time.

That
’s when I feel the urge to look in his drawers. I’m not sure what I’m expecting to see, other than a lot of boxer shorts and socks, but it takes everything I have not to pull at the handle, even though my fingers are lingering there.

“
What are you doing?” Niall walks in, holding a spatula in his hand. He looks amused rather than affronted, grinning as he stares at my guilty expression.

“
Nothing.” Quickly, I pull my hand back. “Just drying my hair.”

“
Did you need my boxers to help you do that?”

“
I wasn’t looking in there,” I say. “I was just… resting for a little while.” What a stupid explanation. But it’s true, I haven’t looked at his pants.

Yet.

“What did you expect to see?” His voice softens as he steps toward me, placing the spatula next to his family photo, on his chest of drawers.

My eyes widen.
“I don’t know. Pants, socks… condoms.” I start to babble, trying to think what the hell men actually keep in their bedside drawers. Mine is always stuffed full of books and chocolate, but Niall doesn’t need to know that.

“
Condoms?” His voice is as amused as his expression. My throat goes dry as he comes to a stop in front of me. His height makes me feel tiny in comparison, and I shiver again, but this time not because of the cold.

“
And pants,” I say.

“
You’ve got a strange obsession with my pants and condoms.” He drops to his knees in front of me, wiping my wet hair out of my face. “Should we investigate this further?”

I swallow hard, but my throat remains parched. When he
’s this close I find it hard to think. The sensation of his rough hand against my cheek makes me sigh.

My skin is still damp from the shower when he runs a finger down my neck, trailing
it across my chest. He unhooks my towel with a flick, so it falls open, crumpling onto the bed.

His eyes are dark an
d narrow as he looks at me. I reach out to him, running my fingers through his hair. Then his lips are on mine, hard and frantic, moving desperately as we kiss.

“
Is this okay?” He pushes me back onto the bed, and my wet hair fans out behind me.

“
Yes.”

He drags his lip
s across my throat. “I know you’ve had a hard day.”

“
I have.” I’m still answering in monosyllables. It’s hard to think of anything except the way he feels, how good he smells. Then his hands are cupping my breasts, fingers brushing against my nipples, and any sentient thought is chased away.

H
is lips capture one of my nipples, his teeth pulling softly at my aroused skin. It’s all I can do not to rub myself against him.

All I can do to breathe.

“We could make it a bit harder,” he murmurs into my chest. Then shows me what he means, pressing his erection against my thigh, and I push back, desperate to feel him, needing to give as good as I get.

We
’re a mess of wet towels and dry clothes. My fingers shake as I unbutton his shirt and pull down the zipper on his jeans. A minute later we’re both naked and needy, our skin hot, our breaths fast. I marvel at how he feels as good as I remember.

Sinewy and smooth, a
ll hard muscles and soft skin. I can feel the definition of his chest as he presses it against mine, and the tautness of his stomach as I run my hand down it. When I wrap my fingers around him, it’s his turn to sigh, and he closes his eyes, his mouth falling open as I start to move my hand up and down. His hips move to the rhythm I’ve created, undulating softly as I drag my palm over him.

I
’m so consumed that the sensation of his finger dragging against me is a shock. I open my eyes to see him staring right at me as he caresses softly, gently. Enough to make me moan.

“
Is this okay?” he asks again.

“
Yes, yes.” I can barely keep a breath. Looking down I see his hand pressing against me, his tanned skin a contrast to my pink flesh. I watch the tendons and knuckles flex and contract, and I feel the sensation shoot straight through me, my toes curling every time he passes over my clit.

Then he
’s on top of me, body sliding on top of mine. We are wet and hard and nothing but sensation. My head falls back on the bed as I rock my hips up, and he’s a moment away from slipping inside.

It feels so different yet it feels like home. Because we
have changed, Niall and I, and yet we’ve come full circle, back together. When he thrusts against me, his tip touching my aching flesh, I have to bite down on his neck to stop myself from screaming out.

“
God,” he sighs, squeezing his eyes closed. “Oh God.”

“
Please.” I don’t even recognise the voice as mine. It’s needy. Desperate.

“
Beth, I just…”

“
What?” My breath is coming fast. I can feel my muscles contract even though he’s not inside yet. I rock again and the way he slides against my hot flesh almost makes me come.

“
Condom. Top drawer.” He barks it out. There’s a look of concentration on his face, and his whole body tenses against mine.

Though it takes a minute to locate the condom and roll it on, I
’m still trembling when he finally lines up with me. I can feel his pressure, hot and thick. My thighs wrap around his hips, afraid to let him go.

Before he
’s even inside I’m on the cusp, my breath captive in my throat as he slips easily through my slick flesh. Then he’s filling me, surging into me in the most delicious way. I start to tighten against him, my whole body stiffening, waiting… waiting for that moment to explode.

I let out a whimper as the pleasure takes over, flames licking at me from the inside out. I
’m pulsing and crying and scraping my nails against his flesh as Niall lets out a low-pitched growl.

And it
’s his turn to freeze, as he pushes inside me one last time, breath catching in his throat. I cradle him in my arms, and he presses his whole weight against me, kissing me with soft, desperate lips.

“
Beth…”

He buries his face against my shoulder, breathing rapidly. I can feel his heart hamm
ering in his chest as it pushes into mine.

“
Is that what you were looking for?”

I close my eyes and let the smile pull at my lips. He kiss
es me one more time and I nod.

“I think it was.”