Coming Down (29 page)

30

It takes three days for a case conference to be arranged. Three days that I spend at the group home, sitting with Allegra, holding her when she cries, teasing her when she
’s ready to smile. I take my cues from hers, watching her expression with a wary eye. Waiting to see what she’ll do next.

We meet outsi
de the social services building: Lara, me and the family lawyer that Simon has recommended. Rafiya—the lawyer—advised that it would be better if Niall wasn’t present for the first meeting. She’s ruthlessly efficient, and explains she doesn’t want to complicate matters with explanations of my love life.

We
’re called into a meeting room just after eleven. I sit in another hard, plastic chair, my hand firmly folded in Lara’s, and listen to the discussions as if I’m not really involved. Rafiya goes through a list of events that show I’m part of Allegra’s support network—the classes, the trips out, my involvement with Daisy. She explains about the move to Brighton, telling them why a new start would be so much better in the long term. And I marvel that all these people who don’t know Allegra or me get to make decisions about the rest of our lives.

This isn
’t the only time we’ll be subject to this kind of scrutiny. In time, I plan to adopt her, and the rigorous investigations that it will require make this look like a walk in the park. I’ve already had to listen to Rafiya explaining all the pitfalls, and now I’m being lectured all over again.

This is right, I tell myself. We
’re talking about a child’s future here. No amount of scrutiny could be too great.

“
It’s very important that Allegra receive counselling.” Grace addresses me directly, ignoring Rafiya altogether. “Have you investigated provision in Brighton?”

My lips twitch because Grace knows I have. We had an hour
-long telephone discussion about it last night. I wanted to make sure I’d covered every base.

“
Yes, I spoke to a child counsellor this week. We’ve made a provisional appointment to see if a relationship can be built. I’ve also spoken to the local school and explained the situation. They’ve confirmed there’s a place available for Allegra.”

Lara squeezes my hand and I manage to breathe a little easier.

The meeting continues with talk of my suitability as a foster carer. Rafiya presents them with a report from my doctor and three testimonials from friends. The room is quiet as everybody thumbs through the documents, and I find myself scrutinising their expressions, trying to see if I’m standing a chance. When Grace catches my eye she gives me the smallest smile. Even though we’ve had our differences we both want what’s best for Allegra. I can live with that.

Toward the end of the meeting I
’m asked if I want to add anything. I clear my throat, shuffling through my papers to find the statement that Rafiya helped me to prepare. But then I have second thoughts, knowing how cold and clinical reading words out loud would make me sound. Instead I look around the room, catching the eye of everybody sitting opposite me.

I want to be heard.

“I know we’re all here for the same reason: because a little girl has lost her mother. The mother she saw die in front of her eyes. I understand you have to make sure that wherever she goes she will be cared for. I don’t want to leave any of you in doubt about my feelings for Allegra. I love her. It’s that pure and simple. You may want to tell me that love isn’t enough, and I couldn’t agree more. In the clinic where I work we see children who suffer every day, regardless of how much their parents love them. So I can also promise I’ll dedicate myself to bringing her up well, to providing her with a stable home. One where she doesn’t have to wonder whether she’ll get any dinner that night. One where she can feel safe enough to feel sad, feel happy, feel whatever she needs to. Where she can push the boundaries and be pulled back from them.” I take a deep breath, trying to loosen the tightness in my chest. “I want to give her back the right to be a child again.”

When I look at Lara she
’s beaming at me, even though her eyes are glistening. There’s silence in the room, and I wait for a response, looking down at the speech I never made. Finally, somebody clears their throat. Grace smiles softly and looks at the rest of the panel.

“
Do you have any more questions?”

There are murmurings of no, accompanied by the
frantic shaking of heads. I breathe a sigh of relief. It has to be good news, I hope, if they don’t want to question me further.

“
Very well, we shall end it there. I believe you’re having a visit from Brighton and Hove children’s services tomorrow?”

“
That’s correct.” Rafiya answers for me. Perhaps she’s decided I’ve talked too much.

“
Barring any issues arising from that, I can confirm we will be supporting the application for kinship foster placement.”

It takes a moment for it to sink in. Then I realise all eyes are on me, and I glance up to see five expectant f
aces. But relief turns me mute; I’m unable to say anything that approaches coherence. Instead I nod and concentrate on trying not to cry.

Allegra
’s coming home with me. To
our home
, where I can take care of her and watch her grow. A place where we can go to the beach and breathe in the fresh air and pretend we can see France. Somewhere that Darren Tebbit and guys like him can’t touch her.

She
’s coming home.

The next few minutes are a blur. Rafiya talks in hushed tones with Grace, while Lara hugs me and tells me how proud she is. I nod in the rig
ht places, holding her close as I try not to get hysterical. When we leave the office Rafiya shakes my hand, explaining she’ll be sending over some paperwork before the visit to Brighton tomorrow. Then she’s gone and it’s just me and Lara, two giddy women unable to complete a sentence.

“
Oh my God, I’m so happy...”

“
Thank you so much for being here. I couldn’t have done it...”

We both laugh and try to calm down. Lara takes a deep breath and
starts again. “I can’t believe we’re both going to be mums.” I glance down at her stomach and see the small bump rising softly from her belly. “And I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Brighton is so far away.”

“
It’s an hour by train,” I say. “You can come and visit as much as you like.” I try not to show it, but that thought is the only disappointment. I’m so used to seeing Lara every day at the clinic, even if it’s only a few minutes, and now our interactions will be by telephone and email. “I promise I’ll be there for the birth.”

“
You’d better be. Alex is scared by the sight of blood. I’m half expecting him to run out screaming when the first contraction starts.”

I laugh at the image this conjures up. Alex always seems so cocky and in control. Maybe the baby will soften him a little.
“I’ll be there.”

W
e walk out of the building and a fine mist of rain covers our hair, leaving water clinging to the strands like dew on a cobweb. Lara hugs me for a final time and heads for the Tube, while I lean against the wall and pull my phone out. I need to call Niall, to let him know how it went, before I head back to the home to spend time with Allegra.

A
movement to my left catches my eye, making me look up. That’s when I see him. Dark hair turned black by the rain, pasted to his forehead. Droplets run down his cheeks, falling onto his shoulders. Even though he’s soaking I run into his arms, letting him hold me as I tell him everything that’s happened. Niall’s hands tighten around my waist as I tell him she should be coming home in a couple of days.

He
presses his face to my hair and breathes in. “You still smell of rain.”

I smile as his words conjure up memories: our first kiss in the rain—drug fu
elled, sweet and full of need. Though we are older now—and sober—that need still claws at me, demanding to be fed. So I slowly raise my face until my lips are millimetres away from his. “Do I taste of rain, too?”

His smile is devastating.
He drops his head to lightly kiss me, and it feels as though the sun has blasted away the clouds. Because that’s what he does to me. So I kiss him back, tongue sliding softly against his lips, my fists clutching the back of his jacket as if he’s some kind of life raft.

I marvel that once we were so destructive it took me years to ge
t over the cataclysmic results. Yet here we are, holding each other as if we’re in a normal, functional relationship. Regardless of my separation and his unpredictable career and the fact I’m about to foster a child, somehow, for the first time, I actually feel grounded.

He breaks away, his face flushed and glistening with rain. When he pushes my wet hair off my
face, his fingers are soft. Little more than a caress. Then he steps back, running his hands through his own soaked hair and says, “Let’s go see our girl.”

The tide is slowly creeping in, the water
sneaking farther up the beach with every wave. It’s cautious at first, flowing gently as if it’s trying the new bit of sand out, before running back to join the rest of the sea. Allegra hops the wave as it breaks, letting it chase her up the beach, hair flying behind her as she runs. Any sound she makes is stolen by the springtime breeze, but I can tell by the shapes she forms with her mouth that she’s laughing. It warms me to see her so carefree.

Picking up my thermal cup, I
swallow the last of my coffee, before turning my attention to the papers resting on my knee. I have my first lot of exams next week. I’m so scared of failing them that I’m taking every chance I can to revise. Though the degree is only part time, it’s a full-time job trying to fit studying in around my work at a local drop-in centre and looking after Allegra. At this rate it’s going to take me six years to pick up the letters after my name. I don’t mind. I’m just enjoying the learning.

“
Can we get a dog?” She’s breathless when she flops down beside me on the blanket. “A really big one, with loads of fur.”

“
No.” I reach out and ruffle her hair. I’m getting better at saying the ‘n’ word. At first, after Daisy’s death, I couldn’t bring myself to deny Allegra anything. It’s taken us nine months to get here; to the sort of relationship where I can refuse her and she doesn’t cry. We’re still a work-in-progress.

“
A cat?” She doesn’t give up.

“
Maybe a rabbit or a guinea pig,” I concede. “Something low maintenance.”

“
A hamster!” Her eyes light up. “Rebecca Grant has one of those and it’s so cute. It does keep her up all night, though.”

I smile and offer her a bottle of water. We
’ll work it out. Maybe take a trip to
Pets at Home
to see what the different animals are like. One step at a time, I remind myself. A year ago I was in a childless marriage. Now I’m a mum to a nine-year-old girl. I’m not perfect, but I’m trying my best. We both are.

“
Can Rebecca come over to play after school next week?”

“
Sure, I’ll give her mum a call.” I mentally flip through my calendar, another thing I’ve learned to do since fostering Allegra. We have to plan out our schedules with military precision. Between dance clubs and play dates, plus school, college and work we live a pretty busy life. I’m about to ask her what day she wants to do it on when my phone rings.

“
It’s Lara,” I say, glancing at the screen. As I answer, Allegra runs off to collect more shells for her pile at home. She knows Lara and I talk for ages on the phone. Now that we’re both mums—of sorts—it’s nice to have that support network there.

“
Hey,” I say into the phone. “Is Max asleep?”

“
I just put him down. I figure we have half an hour before he starts to squawk.” Lara sounds exhausted, just like any parent of a three-month-old baby. “How’re things in sunny Brighton?”

“
Not sunny.” I look up. “The sky’s full of grey clouds.”

“
It’s lovely here. The sun’s out, the sky’s blue and everybody’s in bikinis. You should definitely move back to London.”

I laugh at her blatant lie. Every time we
talk she tries to persuade me. Whether it’s the free museums, great restaurants or beautiful weather, she uses any excuse to encourage us to move back. There’s a part of me that misses the hustle of the city, the excitement that seems laced in the air. But this move has been the best thing for Allegra. Better schools, open spaces and still only a short train journey from the big city.

“
Or you could move down here,” I counter.

She laughs.
“Imagine Alex’s face, he’d throw a fit.”

“
How is Alex?” I haven’t seen him since he came to visit for the day with Lara and Max a couple of months ago. I bite down a smile as I remember him telling me that their sofa was big enough for me and Allegra. If we ever wanted to move back with them.

“
Busy. There are a few managers sniffing around the band. He seems to think he’s Mick bloody Jagger.” I don’t like the way her voice trembles. I get the impression there’s more to it, but I’m not sure what to do. Maybe a trip to London is in order.

“
He’s always been a show-off.”

“
You’re not wrong there.” Her laugh is short, then she changes the subject. “Have you heard from Niall?”

“
Pretty much every day.” He’s been in the US for the last three months, putting on an exhibition. It isn’t only his constant texts and messages that make me smile—although they do—but the fact he sends Allegra postcards every few days. Blank ones that he draws zany pictures on. She’s pinned them all up on her wall as a shrine to Niall Joseph, making me smile every time I walk into her room. “He’s coming home next Thursday.”

There’s no
need to tell her I can’t wait. We’ve been taking things slowly, Niall and me. He still has his flat in London, but has been spending weekends with us in Brighton, getting to know Allegra. It may not have been the ideal way to start a relationship, but we’ve muddled through as best we can.

And when I watch him painting with
her, seeing his kind patience as he talks softly and makes her giggle, I can’t help but fall in love with him all over again.

“
Has there been any news on the adoption?”

“
The wheels are slowly turning.” I’m momentarily distracted as I watch Allegra run too close to the sea. She screams and runs away again, the bottom of her jeans stained dark blue by the water. She waves at me and I wave back, my grin matching hers. “Rafiya says a few more months and we’ll be there. I can’t wait.” I want that piece of paper, the one that says Allegra’s mine. Until then I’ll still be a little edgy.

“
That’s great. We’ll have to start planning that party. Any excuse for a knees-up.” I can hear the smile in her voice. “What are you guys doing this weekend?”

“
We’re off to Essex tomorrow to visit my parents for lunch.” Another side effect of my fostering Allegra; a rapprochement of sorts with my mum and dad. They’ve fallen in love with her, seized the opportunity to be grandparents as if it’s their only chance. “We’re at the beach now. Allegra’s chasing the waves.”

“
That sounds perfect.”

“
I forgot to tell you, I saw Simon last week. He drove down to Brighton for the day.” I smile when I remember his visit. We had a few last things to hash out, but decided to take the paperwork to the beach. He drank tea from a thermos flask and we ate sandwiches wrapped in foil. He looked a bit out of place but I think he enjoyed it.

“
Really? How is he?” Though Lara was never that close to Simon, she knows he’s always been kind to me.

“
He seems pretty good. He’s bought a weekend place in Scotland, some kind of hunting lodge or something. Oh, and he’s got a girlfriend.” Saying the word makes me smile. Simon seems a little too staid to have a girlfriend, but that’s what he called her. Apparently she runs the estate agency that managed his purchase, which explains why he’s visiting Scotland nearly every weekend. He seems happy, content, and there’s a light in his eyes I haven’t seen for a while. That fact alone makes me like this new development very much.

“
A girlfriend? Wow. I didn’t expect that.” I hear shuffling in the background, as if she’s walking into another room. “I’d better go. Max is waking up. I’ll call you back tonight.”

“
Okay, speak soon.” I hang up and put my phone down. Most of our calls end this way. Either Max wakes up or Allegra needs help with something. We rarely get to say goodbye.

* * *

An hour later, the beach is getting busier with couples out for their afternoon walk, their dogs bounding across the pebbles, chasing waves and sticks. A group of teenagers pull open cans of drink and play music on their phones.

It
’s probably time to go home. I stand up to walk over to Allegra, but my legs refuse to move.

He
’s here.

He walks
up the beach, sunglasses covering his beautiful, bright blue eyes. The seaside breeze wafts at his hair, pushing it back from his face. I want to run over and tear the glasses from him, to look deep inside and see what he’s feeling. But I’m anchored to the spot.

Niall
smiles as he approaches. I don’t know if his gaze is on me or not, but mine doesn’t waver.

“
Hi.” He comes to a stop a few feet away, and stuffs his hands into his pockets, rocking awkwardly back and forth. “I hope you don’t mind, I thought I might find you here.”

Mind? Is he crazy? A huge grin splits my
mouth and I launch myself at him, hurling myself into his arms. He catches me, laughing, and the next moment his lips are on mine. I don’t care that we’re on the beach, or that everybody can see us, I just want to kiss him.

When we finally pull back, both of us breathless, there
’s still a smile on his face.

“
How come you’re back so early?”

“
We finished up yesterday so I changed my ticket. They had me on standby. I didn’t tell you in case it fell through.” He pushes his hair out of his eyes and I notice how long it’s grown. His jaw is dark with stubble, as though he hasn’t shaved in a while. He looks like the artist he is.

“
So, I have some news,” I say.

He tips his head to the side
, scrutinising me through narrowed eyes. “What kind of news?”

“
My divorce came through.”

In the end we agreed that Simon would file on the grounds of my adultery. It was either that or wait for two years, something neither of us wanted to do. A clean break was best for all of us
—and less confusing for Allegra. Now Simon’s found somebody else, hopefully it’s good for him, too.

“
Really?” Niall pulls me against him again and we both start to laugh. “I can’t believe it, I thought it would take longer.” His enthusiasm is infective and warming inside. “We should do something to celebrate. Champagne or something.”

I look over at Allegra, who
’s staring out at the sea. She hasn’t noticed him yet. If she had, he’d know about it. “Allegra wants to buy a hamster.”

“
The perfect way to celebrate,” he says. “Champagne, balloons and a hamster. All the Hollywood stars are doing it.”

We grin at each other for a moment. The laughter lines around his eyes look deep and well
used. I like that a lot.

He takes my face between his hands, his palms warm against my cheeks. It
’s as if he’s going to kiss me, and I feel my breath catch in my throat. Instead, he leans forward until his forehead touches mine, and I’m staring into ocean-blue eyes.

I
t’s more intimate than a kiss. More baring. Because he’s staring at me as if he’s searching for something, and I’m desperate for him to find it.

“
Does that mean we can talk about us? Our future?”

I throw my arms around his neck and pull him close.
We’ve held back from any big discussions, at least while Allegra was adjusting to all the changes. But now I’m no longer married to Simon, I know it’s time to talk about us.

From the corner of my eye I spot Allegra watching
the two of us with her back to the sea and her hands on her hips. Then she starts running, her hair flying out behind her, her skirt whipping around her knees. By the time she’s made it across the pebbles she’s out of breath, her cheeks pink from the wind and exertion. Like me, she runs at Niall, and he’s holding his arms open ready to catch her.

I burn inside when I see him
grab hold of her, burying his face in her hair as she clings to him.

“
You’re back, you’re back!” She starts to babble. “You said you wouldn’t be back ’til next week. I’ve got so much to tell you. I’ve got a new best friend and I’m going to be in a dance recital and I’m going to get a rabbit.”