Coming Undone (9 page)

“
It’s kind of dark.” He followed her in and then stepped past her to the chair next to the side wall.

“
Oh, it doesn’t have to be, but most of our families like it that way.” She went back to the door, determined not to notice anything about him. At the entrance she turned on the overhead light. “When patients come to us, they are usually beyond the point of consciousness. I think because they look asleep, families generally feel more comfortable keeping the lights low.”

From the door, she watched as he walked across the room to the little end table with the lamp on it. Before she had turned on the overhead light, it had been the room’s only illumination. He picked up the little Death and Dying brochure that was always put out for new families.

“
We try to give our families as much guidance to know what to expect as we can,” she said, her gaze never leaving his back. “We have counselors on staff 24/7 and a chaplain on call as well.”

He lifted the brochure for her to see though he didn’t turn. “Looks like you’ve thought of everything.”

What to say to that? He sounded annoyed or mad. She couldn’t quite tell.

“
It’s a lot like the time issue we talked about yesterday. Every family is different in their approach. For some this time is peaceful and calm and prayerful. For others, confusion and fear reign, and calming that confusion is a very real component of our role. Many people have never gone through the death of a close loved one. It can be an overwhelming experience.”

With his back still turned, Ben raised his hand and then laughed that little laugh that tore her heart out. “I’m thinking a trial run would’ve been nice right about now.”

“
It wouldn’t matter.”

This time he turned just slightly. “Oh, yeah? What? You don’t think it would get easier?”

Her heart knew the truth all too well. “It’s never easy to say good-bye.”

She said it so gently, so without judgment or condescension that he almost believed she meant it.

Ben considered everything, thinking it through one more time, and then knowing what he had to do, he turned to her. For all of two seconds he thought he could lay it out for her like an adult. Then that wall crumbled. He reached up and scratched his head. “I… I think it’s time. I do.” His gaze slipped up to hers and then fell.

“
Okay.” With a single nod, she waited for more.

He glanced up at her again, hoping she wouldn’t think him stupid or unbelievably weak. “I don’t… Um, this isn’t…” Hating himself for sounding like an idiot, he crushed the tears back inside him and cleared his throat.

In two steps she closed the space between them. “Please, let’s sit,” she said, indicating the couch.

Truth was, he was thankful for that. His legs were starting to feel like jelly. Once he was down, he searched for the words to explain the unexplainable. “I’m normally not like this… with things. It’s just… My dad was my hero. I looked up to him in a way I guess most kids look up to their fathers, or maybe they don’t. I don’t know.” He let out a slow breath to calm the racing of the emotions. “My mom and dad split when I was 13. I chose to stay with my dad.

“
He was really busy with work, but he always made time for me. He always wanted to know how I was doing and what was going on in my life. Even when he was super busy, he always found a way to include me in his life.”

“
He sounds like a great dad.”

“
He was.” Ben nodded, a smile coming to his face as his hands came together at his knees. “I always wanted to be just like him, you know? Carry on the tradition. But doctoring was not my specialty. I think I liked partying a little too much.” He laughed softly. “It was a lot better than Anatomy and Physiology, that’s for sure. So I went into pharmaceuticals, and when I got out, Dad helped me swing a job with a drug company.”

Falling into the memories, Ben hardly realized he was still talking out loud. “Everyone loved my dad. I couldn’t go anywhere that they didn’t know him, and I think that made me even prouder of him. And I wanted him to be proud of me, you know? I wanted him to be able to say, ‘That’s my son. Ben Warren.’

“
I…” The story stopped for a moment as he remembered his father as he had been what seemed a blink ago, not as he now was. “I never wanted to let him down, you know?” He sniffed back the sudden tears and wiped his nose that was betraying his effort not to cry. “I guess that’s what I feel like I’m doing now, with this, like I’m letting him down.”

“
Is your father living the life he would want to live now?”

Instantly a picture of his father in that bed flashed into his mind. “No.”

She let that word hang there in his heart for a long moment. “There is nothing wrong with heroic life saving if your efforts actually bring that life back. That’s what they did to begin with. But there comes a time when holding onto a life that needs to go on only prolongs the inevitable.”

The tears were overwhelming him now, and he sniffed them back angrily.

“
This option is not about tossing that life away. It’s about honoring life and the end of life. Death is a natural part of the process. That’s not a good thing or a bad thing. It just is. Your dad lived a strong, healthy, vibrant life. He helped a lot of people. He gave a lot of good to this world. You are not going to diminish that by accepting that the time of his death is near.”

Sorrow crushed over his spirit, crumpling it. “But I don’t want him to go.”

The touch of her hand on his shoulder brought the tears springing out of his eyes.

“
I know. And that’s okay. One thing you have to learn is to be very gentle with you. Let yourself feel and grieve and hurt. It’s part of the process.”

Overwhelming panic gripped him as he looked up at her. He could not do this alone. That much he was perfectly sure of. “Will you go with me? To sign the papers?” For a long moment his gaze searched hers, and then his bounced around and fell to the floor. “I really don’t think I can do this alone.”

Her soft brown eyes under the fall of blonde waves soothed his overwrought emotions when he glanced back up. “If you want me to go with you, I will.”

Kathryn sat in one chair in Dr. Vitter’s office, Ben in the other. Dr. Vitter sat like a stone statue on the other side of the expansive desk. She watched the pen just touch the paper, and then Ben jerked it back. Closing her eyes, she prayed for God’s will to be done. If Ben was having this much trouble, maybe there was a reason. Maybe he wasn’t supposed to sign those papers. She didn’t know, but she knew Who did.

“
And there’s nothing,” Ben said as if he was pleading for his own life. “Nothing else you can do.”

Dr. Vitter’s gaze never left the other side of the desk. “We’ve done everything, and nothing in any test we’ve done gives us the slightest hope that he could ever come back.”

Ben nodded but did not move.

“
Ben,” Kathryn finally said, and he turned to her with that same pleading in his eyes, “if you’re not sure, there’s no need to rush. Maybe you know something we don’t.”

She felt Dr. Vitter’s gaze snap to hers, and she felt the anger too. But she didn’t flinch. He could think what he wanted. She knew only to be there for this family that needed her to do what was right for them—not push them into a decision they were not ready to make.

A moment and Ben looked up at Dr. Vitter. “Um, could you give us a few minutes?”

The doctor looked both shaken and confused, but quickly regained his composure. “Certainly.” Standing, he went around the desk and to the door. “Take all the time you need.” And then he left.

When he was gone, Kathryn fought to keep herself under control. She had no idea what Ben might be thinking, but she was pretty sure whatever it was, she wouldn’t have the answer.

“
What do you believe,” he began slowly, “about Heaven? About God?”

Whatever she thought his question would be, this was not it. “Uh, well. I believe that God exists, and so does Heaven. I believe that when our bodies die, our souls go on into eternity.”

“
So you don’t think this is it?”

“
No, I don’t.” With everything in her, she wanted to ask where this was coming from, but she didn’t want to push him. These were steps he had to take on his own.

He laughed in that way she was getting used to, that little disbelieving, short little sound. Then he raked in a long breath. “My dad believed that too. He wanted me to believe it, but all that stuff that heaven and hell stuff—it was just stuff they said at church to me.” His gaze fell to the papers. “Now I almost wish I believed it.”

She let the thought drift in the air between them. “Why?”

When he looked over at her, it was as if he thought she had to know the answer to that question. She knew for herself, but she didn’t know for him.

“
All my life, things have been easy for me. I played soccer in high school, made captain of the team my junior year. I was all-state my senior year. I went to college had a great time, graduated, got a job, got my own apartment. I never really thought I needed a God, you know? I never saw the point.” He stopped and took a breath. “Now, I guess I see that if I could believe Dad was going somewhere, that this wasn’t the end, that maybe someday I would get to see him again… Maybe I could sign those papers.”

“
Have you ever seen a cross?” she asked, truly wondering where those words came from.

He shrugged. “Yeah. I mean you see them all the time.”

“
Have you ever seen one with Jesus on it?”

This one made him shift in his chair. “I’m not crazy about that kind. It’s kind of… ghoulish to worship some statue of a guy hanging there being tortured, don’t you think?”

Her voice grew softer. “There’s one down in the chapel in the hospice unit. I was there last night. I go there a lot, and I look up at that man on the cross and I see what He gave up for me, how much He loved me, and how much He believed in God’s love not just for Him but for me too. He believed right to and through the point of death. And sometimes when I sit there and look at Him, all I can think is, ‘Jesus, please help me with my unbelief. Please help me in those times that I can’t see You in the situation. Help me believe like You did, like You do.’”

Ben’s forehead creased in consternation. “I thought you said you believed in God.”

“
I do.”

Confusion piled on confusion. “But you prayed about your unbelief. If you believe, why would you pray about unbelief?”

“
Because sometimes it’s hard to believe. And believing doesn’t negate life. Believe me, there are many times in my life that I want to question God. I want to question His timing and His plan and His wisdom. I look at things that happen, and I just get so angry with Him because I don’t understand, because what He’s doing makes no sense.” She glanced over at the papers. “Like these papers. I hate seeing families going through what you’re going through. I hate that. I hate that they are so sad and confused and scared. I want to make it all better, but I don’t know how. That’s when I have to go to God and ask Him to help me to know what to say and how to say it, to know what they need, and if I don’t know, then for Him to just do it through me because I can’t. I don’t know all of the answers. I wish I did.”

“
Do you think I should sign the papers?”

The question was spoken with such a trust that she could hardly think of an answer.

“
That’s not a question I can answer,” she said slowly. “I don’t know what’s right for you and for your dad.” The next words went through her heart three times before she said them. “But I know Who does. I believe if you will ask Him, He will give you the answer you need.”

Ben scratched the side of his face as he sat back away from her. “God, right? You’re talking about God.”

She should back off. She knew she should. Yet… “I am.”

He sat there for the longest moment of her life. “Okay. Then how do I ask Him?” Ben pointed at the ceiling with the pen. “What do I take out a telegram or something?”

“
No.” The words took a barrelful of courage. “You pray.”

“
Pray?” How he could sound so incredibly sarcastic she didn’t know. “You think I should pray about this?”

Her gaze went to the papers still lying on the desk. “If it was my decision, I know I would be doing some serious praying over it.” Then she resettled her gaze on him. “But you have to do what you feel comfortable with.”

He let his gaze fall to the pen now in his fingers at his chest. “And if I were to pray, what might I say? I mean I don’t exactly know how to talk all that Thee and Thou stuff.”

Kathryn smiled and laughed. “Well, I don’t think you’re alone there. But prayers don’t have to be some stylized version of King James. You just speak from your heart and then listen for what God has to say.”

“
My heart? Wow, you certainly don’t go for the easy answers, do you?”

She smiled again. “I try not to.”

A moment during which she had no idea what might come next, but she sat through it, knowing the next move was his. Finally, Ben shook his head slightly, pulled up, and then leaned forward toward her. When his gaze came to hers, there were only fragments of his normal arrogant manner in them. Mostly they were filled with fear and uncertainty.