Coming Undone (13 page)

Misty turned and arched her eyebrows. “Well, don’t you look nice?”

Kathryn pushed that to the side as quickly as it came. She picked up the three folders on the counter.

“
Um, we’ve got a new admit coming at ten, scheduled for Room 12,” Misty said.

“
Okay. And Mr. Guthrey?”

“
Made it through another night. I swear I think his family’s about to break. Twenty days is enough to stretch even my patience.”

“
In his time and God’s.” She looked through the top two folders, wanting to ask about Mr. Warren but knowing that would be way too obvious. She glanced only once at the door at the far end of the hallway, but she yanked her gaze back to the folders. “Okay. Call if you need me.”

With that, she walked down to her office. On the other side of the door, she stopped, closed her eyes, and said a very soft prayer only in her heart. “God, I don’t want to make this big deal over him with the situation as it is. Please God, keep me from making an idiot of myself.” That was a tall order. Even she knew that.

Ben opened the hospice door, having no idea what would be on the other side. He figured if something had changed, they would call him, but he had never thought to ask that question, so he wasn’t really sure. Trying to keep as low a profile as possible, he skirted the nurse’s area. With his hand next to his hairline, he hurried around the lobby furniture to the door on the end. One hard breath and he opened the door.

He wasn’t sure how much longer his heart could take this roller coaster. Not that he wanted to find out what came next, but this was taxing his coping abilities. Sleep was non-existent, and he hadn’t had the stomach to even look at breakfast. How much longer he could keep this up was anybody’s guess. If he was guessing, he would’ve said not much longer.

In the bed, his father lay, still motionless; however, his breathing sounded much raspier than it had before. Ben couldn’t face the reality in that bed, so he went over to the couch and sat down like someone had kicked his knees out from under him. Sitting didn’t make him feel any better. He was beginning to think nothing would.

Knowing he needed to check in with work, he pulled out his phone and dialed the number. Jason would be coming any time now. He hated that thought. It made him both defensive and worried, so he tried not to think it. “Uh, yeah, Jack? This is Ben.” Yanking his jacket off, he tossed it over to the side chair and buried himself in the details of work.

“
Good morning,” Kathryn greeted Mrs. Edith Guthrey.

The older lady looked up from her rosary with tired eyes.
Twenty days
passed through Kathryn’s mind. She stepped to the bed.

“
How are we doing today?”

“
Still here,” Mrs. Guthrey said. “I always said he was too stubborn for his own good.”

Turning to the older lady, Kathryn noted the abandoned cups on the end tables. “Are you here by yourself?”

“
The kids had to get back to work. Can’t put food on the table when you’re not working.” Mrs. Guthrey nodded. “I understand that. Really I do.”

Kathryn heard the note of trying to talk herself into not blaming them or being bitter. Carefully she sat down on the couch and leaned her elbows on her knees. “Would you like me to pray with you?”

“
Oh, darling, I know you’ve got better things to do.”

But Kathryn smiled. “Actually, I think God penciled you into my schedule just for right now.”

With a sad, grateful smile, Mrs. Guthrey reached over and put her wrinkled hand on Kathryn’s. “Thank you for all you’ve done for us, dear.”

“
You’re very welcome.”

Wait.

Wait.

Wait.

For something Ben really didn’t even want to happen. He drummed his fingers on the couch armrest. This was like the cruelest bad joke ever. Losing patience with the couch, he stood and paced first one way and then the other. He wished he had gotten some sleep last night. Maybe that would’ve helped, but he doubted it. Turning, he looked across at the bed. Both hands came up to his face and his eyes and rubbed there. This wasn’t happening. It really wasn’t. It couldn’t be.

This was all just a very bad dream that he was going to wake up from. That had to be it. It was the only thing that made any sense at all.

“
Wake up, Ben. Wake up.” He shook his head hard, twice. But when he took his hands away, nothing had changed. Nothing in this surreal, insane nightmare. He could feel his mind slipping-sliding from his control. Control. There was a funny, ironic, moronic word. He hated that word. He really did. It held such a recrimination of his existence that it dug even deeper into his growing despondent acceptance of his own inadequacy. Had he ever been able to handle anything? He couldn’t clearly remember anymore.

His cell phone beeped, and he yanked it out glad, for the distraction. He really didn’t care who it was. “Warren.”

“
Benjamin, my man.”

“
Kelly.” Ben collapsed back on the couch. He was so exhausted even normal felt strangely odd and demanding.

“
I was just driving in and thinking about you. I’ve got a call not far from where you are, wondered if I might stop by.”

Ben’s gaze snapped over to his father’s lifeless form, and he swallowed. “Oh, Kell, you don’t have to.”

“
Hey, Ben. Come on now. You’ve been hanging out there for five days. Tamitha is about to skin me alive if I don’t at least go check on you.”

He was too exhausted to argue. “Okay.”

When Mrs. Guthrey’s niece came, Kathryn quietly said good-bye and tip-toed out. She had other patients to check on. Misty was obviously checking on someone because there was no one at the station. Kathryn went to the center station, not because she thought anything would be out of sorts, but it’s what they did for each other—watching each other’s back. They were a good team.

Sure enough at the desk, the phone was blipping. It didn’t really ring, more made this odd little sound that you could only hear if you were right on top of it.

She punched the two buttons. “St. Anthony’s Hospice, this is Kathryn.”

“
Yes, I’m needing some directions to your facility from the airport.”

In quick succession Kathryn gave the directions just as a tall, nice-looking black man with broad shoulders and a hesitant smile accompanying hesitant eyes approached from the entrance.

“
Thank you,” the caller said.

“
You’re welcome.” She hung up and turned her attention to the visitor. It was easy to tell he was a visitor. They always had a look of wide-eyed, utter fear. “Hi there. May I help you?”

“
Uh, I hope so. I’m looking for Ben Warren.”

The name jump-started her heart, but she fought not to let that show.

The man fidgeted with his eyes and the words. “Oh, uh, not Ben… I mean Ron… Ronald Warren.”

His fumbling touched her heart. No one looked comfortable their first time here.

“
They’re right down this way,” she said, going around the desk. “I’m not sure if Ben… if Mr. Warren is here yet. I haven’t seen him this morning.” He followed her all the way to the door where she knocked softly. “Knock. Knock.”

The sight of Ben coming up off the couch simultaneously delighted and worried her to the core. He looked much paler today, much more on edge. His five o’clock shadow was fuller and darker than it had ever been since she’d first met him.

“
You’ve got a visitor,” she said gently as she pushed into the room.

The man followed her into the room where he took one look at Ben and stepped past her.

“
Hey, bud.”

In the center of the room they met in a bear hug. Kathryn was glad. Ben needed someone. She stepped out to give them some time.

“
Dude,” Kelly said, looking at Ben who hated the scrutiny.

He ducked and scratched his ear with his fingernail. How bad did he look anyway? He was glad when Kelly took his gaze from him and put it over on the bed. At least he was for the first two seconds. However, he hated how weak his family looked at the moment. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. He’d never been the weak one. In fact, between his dad and him, they had bailed Kelly out of several tough situations. This felt very different than those times ever had.

Without a word, Kelly went right over to the bed, far closer than Ben had ever gotten himself to go. He envied his friend that. He just couldn’t bring himself to get that close. It was much safer way over here.

After a couple minutes, Kelly turned back to him. His gaze perused his friend. “You look fried.”

Ben laughed sarcastically. “Thanks.”

“
No, seriously. I had no idea.” Kelly glanced down at the bed. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Not sure how to answer that, Ben shrugged.

“
What can we do?”

It would’ve been nice to be able to make a list that would make any difference whatsoever. “I don’t know.” Then a thought occurred to him. “I haven’t been out to the house, to check on things. I mean I know Maria’s out there, but…”

Kelly nodded. “Consider it done. I’ll go this afternoon.”

The worry on his friend’s face went right through him like a knife and twisted there.

“
Thanks for coming,” Ben finally managed.

Kelly’s look fell even further with concern.

Ben hated not knowing what to say and nobody saying anything. “They don’t really know… how much longer…” It was so hard to sound normal and fine. “I called Jack this morning and took an extended leave…”

“
Have you made any… arrangements?” The concern had turned to sympathy.

Closing his eyes, Ben couldn’t even think of such a thing. “I don’t know. Jason’s supposed to be here sometime this morning. I haven’t really made any decisions yet.”

Kelly lowered his head so he could look at Ben who had his gaze on the floor. “If you need me to look into it…”

Ben nodded, not sure what he was supposed to say. His heart ached with indecision. Was that something you asked a friend to do? In a way it seemed less personal. In another, it sounded wonderful that he wouldn’t have to do it. “I’ll let you know.”

Kathryn was at the desk talking with Misty about whatever she could find to keep her there when the door down at the end of the lobby opened. The black man stepped out, turned, and closed the door very softly. Then he stopped and rested his hand on the closed door, and his obvious pain sliced through her. Carefully but decisively she ended the conversation and started across the lobby just as he turned to head to the outside doors.

She smiled to let him know she wasn’t on the warpath. “I’m sorry. I didn’t catch your name before.” She held out her hand.

“
Oh, Kelly. Kelly Zandavol.” He had bright white teeth and a sad smile.

“
It’s nice to meet you, Kelly. Are you a friend of the Warren’s?”

“
Yeah, me and Ben go way back.” He glanced at the door, and she saw the distinct worry lines cross his face. “I sure wish there was more I could do. I’ve never seen Ben like this.”

“
Like this?” she asked, pressing but only gently.

“
Ben’s usually the together one, the guy who can handle anything. I just know how close him and his dad were. You can just see that this is killing him.”

Interesting choice of words, but then the irony of word choices in this place were usually more frequent than less.

“
I wish I could be here with him,” Kelly said. “I mean Jason’s coming, but it’s not the same.”

Jason
. She wanted to ask, but he didn’t really give her the chance.

“
I’m going to try to make it back tonight.” Kelly’s serious gaze came to her, pleading as so many did. “Will you please look out for Ben for me? He really needs somebody.”

Gently she nodded. “I’ll do my best.”

After Kelly left, Kathryn, hearing his words again about taking care of his friend, went over to the door and knocked softly. It was time to start making good on that promise. “Knock. Knock.”

Like a shot, Ben vaulted up off the couch. At first, he felt like a jack-in-the-box and then more like an idiot when she stepped in. Why he felt like an idiot, he couldn’t really tell, but he did just the same. Everything about him felt so off, and he had no clue how to fix that.

“
Hi,” she said in that soft voice that touched his heart like an angel’s whisper. “How’s everything?”

With a quick nod trying to hide the ache in his heart and his head, Ben fought to smile. “Good I guess.”

She glanced over at the bed and then came all the way across the room where she stopped and indicated the couch with a small wave. “May I?”

“
Uh, sure.” Hesitantly, Ben nodded and then followed her down. His heart was screaming at him that whatever this conversation was, he didn’t want to have it. Whatever it was she had come to say, he didn’t want to hear it. She looked too serious, too solemn. He couldn’t handle serious or solemn. Not now. Not with his nerves right on the surface. What he really wanted was to find a couple shots of straight vodka and forget all of this. The way she was looking at him, it was too likely that she was going to want to discuss what came next, and nothing in him wanted to do that.