Coming Undone (31 page)

The door snapped open behind her, and she pulled herself upright and swiped at her eyes and her nose. The state of her being at that moment would have inspired confidence in exactly nobody, and she knew it. The last thing she needed was for some client to see her like this.

“
Um, excuse me. Is this seat taken?”

Like a shot, the timbre of that voice burst through her, and she yanked her gaze up to the man standing there. Understanding hit her like a sucker punch, and she couldn’t quite believe what her eyes were telling her. “Ben?”

His softly amused smile said it could be no one else.

Her heart led, and her body followed. She jumped to her feet and in the next heartbeat she was in his arms. Together they took a breath of remembering. It felt better than anything had a right to. He felt better than anyone had a right to. She closed her eyes to absorb the feeling. Then, as her brain caught up with the thoughts streaming through it, she pulled back, cleared her throat, and swiped at her eyes. “Um. I… What…?” She stepped back, hoping she wouldn’t fall as her hands went into perpetual motion smoothing her hair and her outfit. She was a complete mess, and she knew it.

He smiled again, and the last shred of sanity scattered away from her. That face. That smile. How was she ever going to live without it? He looked down at the bench. “Mind if I join you?”

All motion stopped.

“
W-what?” She looked down at the bench as if she hadn’t realized it was there. Her heart was having a hard time catching onto the fact that this could really be happening. “Oh. Yeah. Yes. Of course.” Corralling all the stupid, inappropriate things rattling through her heart, she slipped her hand under her skirt and sat primly on the edge of the pew, praying she could get through this without humiliating herself even more than she already had.

Close enough to touch but not reaching out, he sat too. It was then that she saw the streaks of grief marring his countenance, and she remembered. She ducked at her own presumptuousness, and her own grief furrowed across her brow.

Forcing her gaze up to him, she lowered her voice. “I’m really sorry… about your dad. I know that’s really hard.”

He nodded, and a shadow of a heartrending smile flitted across his face.

A moment and she blinked, realizing she should say something else. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here this morning.”

But his smile only tilted up a little more. “Don’t worry about it.”

“
I am worried about it. I’ve been worried about you all day. I wanted to call, but…” Those words hadn’t been planned, and she had no idea how to finish that thought without sounding hopelessly unprofessional.

He looked up at her in surprise. “But what?” His intent gaze searched hers.

Knowing he would be able to see the whole answer if she let him, Kathryn ducked. Slicing pain ripped across her heart. “I didn’t know if I should.”

Surprise and worry jumped to his face. “If you should? What does that mean?”

She glanced at him. Saying it was either stupid or embarrassing or both. “Well, I mean, you’re just a patient here. I mean your father was a patient here. I don’t… I didn’t know if…”

Her stumbling and the obvious torment she was in touched Ben’s heart in ways he never could have articulated. In that moment all he wanted to do was comfort her. He didn’t know how she would react, but that was only a secondary concern. Carefully, he reached over to her, his hand coming first to her shoulder, then to her back, finally pulling her all the way to him. “Come here.”

Kathryn’s breath snagged on the gentleness of his tone and his touch. Although it should have been a given that she not put herself into that position, she couldn’t resist the offer. His offer. Of solace. Of strength. Of someone to lean on. Slowly she slid across the bench into his arms which both came around her and clasped there. With her head resting on the strength of his shoulder, she closed her eyes—relaxing for the first time all day.

As her being rested in his, life settled around her.

“
How’s Jason?” she finally asked with real concern for all of them in her heart.

“
He’s okay. Holly made it. They’re at Kelly’s.”

Kathryn nodded, wishing she could stay right here forever.

As he held her, Ben turned his head and bent his lips to her hair. It was soft, just like she was. However, halfway down, his gaze caught on the crucifix hanging there, seemingly in suspended animation on the wall. He had never been this close to one, had never had cause to really look into that face.

It was amazing how sad it was and how deeply he felt the look. Yes, it was only a statue, but it seemed so much more.

He settled back, holding her and gazing up. “Do you think He really understands?”

The other-worldness of the moment drifted around him, and he chose not to fight it but to surrender to it.

She shifted on his chest. “Yeah, I think he does.”

Something about that calmed all of the jangling pieces in Ben’s soul. Either that, or holding her did, he wasn’t sure which, but truthfully, he didn’t care. Instead, he slipped back onto the pew a little further and relaxed into the peace around him. “They scheduled the wake service for tomorrow night at seven. Would you come?”

It was a weird question, one of those that you never foresee ever saying until you’ve already said it and then wonder if you should have.

Without really moving much at all, she nodded. “Yeah.”

And then pure, unfiltered peace floated through him, encapsulating every last shred of dissonance left.

They stayed like that for several more minutes, just resting. Then, although Kathryn didn’t want to, she knew she needed to get back. She felt much more stable now and once again prepared to handle the tasks at hand. However, she sighed heavily and pulled herself up from his embrace. Although she should have been embarrassed, she was surprised to find only gratefulness in her heart when she looked at him. “Thank you.”

His fingers drifted gently across her shoulder blades, and his blue-green eyes held an amusement that yanked her breath from her. “Thank you.” After a moment, he pulled his hand from her shoulders and put it on his knee as his gaze fell to it. “The truth is, I was having about as bad a day as you were.”

When she moved to protest, his gaze stopped her.

“
The nurse told me about you being late. I guess I should apologize for keeping you up all hours.”

Kathryn couldn’t stop the smile. “Yeah, maybe that’s why I’m such a mess.”

It was supposed to be a joke, but instead, he grew serious as he put his elbow back on the pew once more. His fingers brushed through her hair on her shoulder as his gaze burrowed into hers. “Then you’re a very beautiful mess.”

Her cheeks flushed, both from his touch and from the way he was looking at her. Not knowing what to do with any of it, she smiled and shook her head. “I think you need glasses. I’m hardly beauty queen material at this point.”

“
Well, I would beg to differ, but I’d hate to argue about it now.”

He wasn’t making this going on with life thing any easier.

Stuffing all the feelings he’d ignited in her down, she sighed. “I should get back to work.” She looked up at him thinking she could end this professionally, but professional had long since been left in the dust.

“
And I should let you,” he said, but he didn’t move. Instead, his eyes traveled across her face and back again. Once. And then again.

The moment held on pause as she looked at him, grateful for his presence in her life and never wanting it to end. Finally he half-smiled, nodded, and pushed up to standing. She bent and replaced the kneeler, and when she straightened, his hand was there to help her up. He stepped out but only enough to let her go first. All the way to the door, he shadowed her steps, and Kathryn was beginning to wonder how they would make it out without everyone and their dog seeing them.

At the door, she pushed through and turned to him, determined to put professional up between them again. She turned to him as if they were simply continuing an appointed meeting. “Did you say what funeral home?”

“
Oh, uh, Clark’s.”

Kathryn nodded and folded her arms in front of her. It was a straight shot from Misty’s desk to where they now stood, and Kathryn knew it. “Okay. I’ll be there. Tomorrow night. Seven, right?”

“
Yeah,” he said, putting his hands in his pockets as he glanced toward the desk and then back at her, clearly becoming as uncomfortable with the increased scrutiny as she was. “Seven.”

“
Okay. I’ll be there.” She nodded briskly, hoping this little act was covering all the butterflies flitting to and fro in her stomach. The truth was they were making even thinking straight impossible.

There was an awkward moment in which he leaned a half-of-a-fraction of an inch toward her, and her alert system blared on, pushing her backward. But then he simply smiled, and backing up, he picked his hand out of his pocket and ran his fingers through his hair. “Well, I’d better get going.”

Still not really breathing, she couldn’t stop nodding even though she felt ridiculous for it. “Thanks for stopping by.” Her thoughts were running faster than her brain. “Uh, and tell Jason and Holly they have our sympathies.”

“
Will do.”

Again, the moment paused only this time it contained massive amounts of awkwardness.

“
I guess I’ll see you later,” he finally said, and with a push he started slowly down the hallway.

She wanted to follow him, to walk out with him, to go to his car and never look back. But those were not options. So she stopped at her office door. “Take care of yourself, okay?”

He turned and smiled, but it was a tight, sad gesture. “I’ll try.”

Leaving her there was like ripping his soul in half, but Ben could think of no reason good enough to warrant staying. As he walked by the front desk, the nurse from before said, “Take care, Mr. Warren.”

“
Thanks. You too,” he mumbled, and then he pushed out of the unit, wondering if he might never see the place again.

“
So…” Misty said two minutes later when she showed up in Kathryn’s doorway.

“
So… what?” Kathryn asked, not really caring as she went through the new patient’s folder. She was 89, had had cancer three times. This one would be her last.

“
I see Mr. Warren came for a visit.”

“
Hm.” Kathryn continued to peruse the chart.

“
Does this mean he’ll be back?”

“
He just came to tell me when the services are going to be.” Kathryn shrugged although her heart was hammering in her chest. “It was no big deal.”

“
Uh-huh.” Misty nodded up and down once as she folded her arms across her chest and leaned on the doorway. “It didn’t look like no big deal to me.”

Kathryn pushed a strand of hair over her ear. “What? Were you spying on us?”

“
Observing. It’s called observing.”

“
Well, I think it should be called minding your own business. Ben and I are just friends. That’s all.”

“
Friends?” The word tilted upward. “I thought he was a client.”

Frustration crawled up Kathryn’s patience. “He was. Now we’re friends. Is that a problem?”

Misty held up both hands. “No. No problems here. But if you ever want to be more than friends with him, you have my blessing.”

A scowl punctuating her face, Kathryn looked up. “Am I, or am I not going on a date with
your
cousin tonight?”

Now Misty was backing out. “I’m not pushing. I’m just saying.”

“
Yeah? Well, saying isn’t helping, okay?”

Misty’s smile was small but knowing. “Got it. I won’t say anymore.”

“
Thank you.”

As Kathryn got ready for her date later that evening, she couldn’t help but wish it would be with Ben. She even chose the outfit she thought he would like—though she knew how desperate that seemed, no one else would ever have to know. Every so often her thoughts let her wonder if this was what it was like to be in love. He was so great. Kind. Gentle. Strong. And handsome. He blew every guy she’d ever been out with out of the water.

Then again, maybe he was just being a friend, and she was reading far too much into it. It wouldn’t be the first time that had happened. Besides that, he had all but said he wasn’t interested in marriage. She thought about Dr. Martin and a sigh slipped through her though she knew that too was stupid. He’d seemed nice enough, but there was no real abiding connection there—apparently. Then she wondered about Nathan, who would be showing up in less than ten minutes, and her stomach flitted away from her. Maybe they would hit it off. Maybe he was the one.

But even as she tried to be excited about the prospects of Nathan, her thoughts trailed back into Ben land. She wondered what he was doing, how he was, if he was with Jason and Holly now. As stupid as that sounded, she wished she was there with them rather than here with herself. Then she berated herself for thinking so foolishly. They were a family. She had no place with them.

The doorbell sounded, jolting her out of her revere. She quickly applied the last of her mascara, fluffed her hair, which had already fallen flat, and headed for the door.