Coming Undone (32 page)

Ben was sitting on his couch as he had been since he’d gotten home. The images on the television flickered in no distinct pattern. He wasn’t watching anyway. He thought back through the past couple of days and then into the next couple. Strangely his thoughts, no matter where they went, always found their way back to that little chapel in the front bench.

He’d always thought of religion as hokey and stupid, now he wasn’t so sure. Never in his life had he felt that kind of peace even in the midst of the worst day of his life. He was sure most of it had to do with her, but there was a small part of him that attributed it also to the chapel. In fact, if it wasn’t 20 minutes away, he would consider going there right now.

The phone rang, and he looked at it as if he’d forgotten it existed. Reluctantly, he pulled himself up off the couch and walked over to it. “Warren.”

“
Ben?” The high-pitched voice pierced through his ear drum.

“
Yes. This is Ben.” It sounded more like a question.

“
Ben, oh, good. I thought something terrible had happened to you.”

Something terrible had, but he had no way of knowing if he should say that or not as he had yet to voice print who this was.

“
This is Charissa.”

His heart fell at the recognition, but he fought not to let his disappointment sound in his voice. “Oh, hi, Charissa.” He sat down on the little stool by the counter. “What’s up?”

“
Hey. I’ve been calling. I thought you forgot about me.”

“
No. No. I didn’t forget.” He put his elbow on the counter and held up his head with his hand. “What’s going on?”

“
Well, a bunch of us are going out partying tonight. I was wondering if you might want to come.”

A party? Nothing in him even wanted to hear the word. “Oh, uh. I don’t think so. I’m not really in the partying mood.”

“
Ah, come on. It’ll be fun. We’re going club hopping.”

His spirit fell through the absurdity. “No, really, Charissa. Not tonight.”

“
Oh.” Her voice fell flat. “Well, then…”

Awkward dropped over the conversation like an anvil.

“
I’ll… I’ll call you sometime,” he finally managed, not really meaning it but having no idea how to get her off the phone.

“
Okay.” A split-second and playful came back into her voice. “But don’t keep me waiting too long.”

“
Oh, I won’t.” Wow did this seem ridiculously surreal. He wrapped up the conversation as quickly as possible, promising once again to call, though that call would be on the other side of bizarre-land, if it ever came at all.

When he hung up the phone, Ben sat looking at it for a moment that lasted an eternity and then another. He closed his eyes, trying to push life away from him. If he could just forget for awhile, for ten minutes, for an hour. Standing, he went to the liquor cabinet in the kitchen. Maybe alcohol would have a chance of dulling everything.

“
Kate?” The guy standing in her doorway had a fistful of daisies.

Kathryn’s eyes widened at the sight. She had always been wickedly allergic to daisies. However, she couldn’t tell him that, so she looked up at him and fought to smile. “Nathan?”

“
Safron,” he said, fumbling with the bouquet so he could get his hand out to hers.

She shook hands with him, wishing there was an easier way to do this. “It’s nice to meet you…” Air sucked into her nose, and she sneezed hard. “Ugh. I’m sorry. It’s nice to meet you, Nathan.” Taking the air in her lungs in both hands so it wouldn’t make her sneeze again, she stepped back. “Please, come on in.”

He stepped in front of her into the apartment, and she sent up a prayer of desperation to God—for wisdom and for sanity.

“
Nice place,” Nathan said, looking around.

“
Here. I’ll just put these in some…” Kathryn reached for the daisies, feeling the sneeze but beating it back with all the strength in her. “Water.” She took the offensive weeds that were thankfully bundled in white tissue.

“
I hope you like them. Daisies are my mom’s favorite flower.”

“
They’re lovely.” She worked to keep them as far away from her skin and nose as she got them into the kitchen, filled a vase with water, and stuck them in. “Ah-choo!” Sniffing as her eyes started watering, she picked up the bouquet and walked it out to the living room. “Ugh. Must be the dust in the vents. Sometimes when the air comes on, it just gets to me.”

Nathan tilted his head, and his face furrowed questioningly. “I don’t hear the air on.”

“
What?” Kathryn stood and straightened her blouse. “Oh, yeah. It… it was on earlier.” Worried that she would have an all-out sneezing fit, she smiled. “Are we ready?”

“
Sure.”

As they walked out into the spring evening, Kathryn took a moment to really look at Nathan. He was far from bad though he wasn’t drop-dead gorgeous. Blond hair with just a hint of red, nice features, slim build. She tried to imagine the picture they made together, and it was a thoroughly nice one. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.

Ten minutes into the drinking session, the phone rang. At the little coffee table, Ben poured another vodka, deciding to let the answering machine get it. His plan was to sit right here, on this sofa all night. If he got really lucky, he might be on the floor before too long. He downed the stinging liquid, glad he was one shot closer to the eventual outcome.

“
Beep!” The answering machine clicked on.

“
Ben? Hey, bud, where are you?” Kelly’s voice split through Ben’s skull like an unwanted chain saw.

He groaned. There was no way Kelly wouldn’t know he’d been drinking, and yet, he knew Kelly enough to know he’d be over here to check on him if he didn’t answer. Fighting to get and keep his balance—more from the grief than the alcohol, Ben stood and stumbled over to the phone. “Warren.” It didn’t sound friendly.

“
Ben! Oh, good. Listen, Tamitha decided to make up one of her lasagnas for Jason and Holly. You want to come over?”

“
Oh, I don’t know, Kell…”

“
No, man. We want you to come. You’re not going to sit there in the dark all by yourself. Not tonight. Come on. The lasagna’s already in the oven.”

Ben sighed as he looked back to the coffee table. Why couldn’t they just leave him alone?

“
You’ve got time,” Kelly said. “Ya don’t have to break your neck to get here. Just come.”

What could he say? “Okay.”

“
So you work with Misty,” Nathan said from his side of the black truck that somehow surprised Kathryn. She’d never been in a truck like this. It stood several feet off the ground, and Nathan had to help her so she could even get in. Once in, the high perspective made her woozy.

“
Yeah.” Playing with the strap of her purse, she fingered through the files in her brain trying to think of more to say. She was so hopelessly bad at this.

“
I’ve always thought that would be such a hard job. I don’t think I could do it, watching people die all the time.”

With a rush, memories from the day swept back over her, and she put her head down to hide them. “It’s not always so bad. I guess you kind of get used to it.”

Nathan shook his head. “Not me. I couldn’t do it.”

For a long moment, Kathryn searched for something to say.

“
Hey, do you like jazz?” Nathan asked, reaching for the stereo knobs.

“
I… guess.” She shrugged. Honestly she’d never had an occasion to listen to jazz, so she really didn’t know.

With five clicks, the purr of a saxophone floated between them. She slid down in the seat just a bit, relaxing. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all.

“
Hey. You made it.” Kelly met Ben at the door with an out reached hand that turned into a pat on the shoulder hug. Ben couldn’t recall ever being hugged so much in his life. In fact, he had always been pretty much a hands-off person. But apparently that had changed sometime in the last week.

“
I made it.”

“
Ben,” Tamitha said, coming to the door and extending her arms as well. “I was so sorry to hear about your dad.”

He hugged her—kind of. “Th-thanks.” It was weird. What do you say to something like that? He’d never really thought about it. Following them through the little entry, he stepped into the living room, feeling hopelessly ragged. His hair was far longer than he’d ever let it get. Sometime back before time stopped, he was scheduled for a hair cut. Now he wondered if he’d ever even canceled that appointment. He’d tried to shave earlier, but about all he’d accomplished was making his face bleed almost as much as his heart was.

“
Hey, Ben.” Jason stepped from the kitchen with Holly next to him. “We’re glad you could come.”

Ben picked his chin up as if he was going to say something, but movement at Holly’s knee yanked his attention there. With one look, his heart plummeted to his shoes. Carefully Holly reached down and swung the little child up to her ample waist. The little golden curls danced around the little pixie face.

It was a challenge to hold to reality. “Well, who’s this?” Ben asked through the lump. The truth was, it could be no one else.

“
This is Ryley,” Jason said, turning with pride in his eyes.

On rubbery legs, Ben stepped toward them. Seeing him approach, the child stuck her thumb in her mouth and bent her head to her mother’s shoulder. Ben didn’t want to scare her, so he stopped several feet away and just stood trying to figure out how that face could be so similar to the one that had haunted his dreams from the moment his mother and brother had left to this.

“
Hi, Ryley,” he said, his voice catching on the lump in his throat. The thought that his dad might never have met this beautiful little child brought tears to his eyes. The pain was all still so fresh, so raw inside him. It was as if life had suddenly become brighter, harsher, everything in perfect relief to that moment he had awakened to a new reality.

“
And this is my mother-in-law,” Jason said, stepping back to reveal a smallish woman who looked like she would backhand you if you crossed her. Ben decided right then he’d better be on his best behavior.

“
It’s nice to meet you, Ma’am.” Ben bowed slightly, hoping the Ma’am would help. At this point, he wasn’t sure anything would.

However, her gray eyes lost some of their harshness as she came toward him. She took his hand in both of hers. “I’m very sorry to hear about your father’s passing. Please accept my sympathies.” The sincerity in her tone touched a chord deep in him.

“
Well, thank you.” He had to swallow the lump.

Everyone stood there for a gaping eternity.

“
Well,” Tamitha finally said. “I’m sure the lasagna is ready. I’ll go call the boys.”

“
That’s fantastic.” Kathryn sat on the opposite side of the table in the quiet restaurant. Nathan had certainly gone all out, and now she felt obligated to make this night not-a-disaster. She looked at him, thinking again he really wasn’t bad. They would make a good couple. He was a good height for her, and their coloring was similar. “So you really graduated from MIT?”

“
I did. Why? Is that so hard to believe?”

“
Well, no.” She reached for her wine. “You just don’t look like a geek.”

He laughed. “Well, thank you for that.”

Then she realized how dumb that sounded. “No. I didn’t…”

But he waved her off. “It’s okay. Nothing I haven’t heard before.”

She wasn’t sure if that was any better. “And you work in development?”

“
I do.” Nathan cut into his steak. “It’s not as glamorous as it sounds, but it’s a job.”

“
So what else do you like to do? Do you read?”

He laughed again. “Not much. I really love to rock climb. I’m planning a trip out west at the end of the summer with some friends. We’re going to go repelling.”

Her eyebrows reached for the sky. “Really? You jump off of rocks?”

Nathan shrugged. “I wanted to sky-dive, but my mom nixed that idea.”

Something slipped into her consciousness. “You’re close to your family then?”

“
Oh, yeah. My younger brother and I go out nearly every weekend, and we’re always getting together for something—birthdays, anniversaries—there’s always something.”

Nothing about that was bad, but it added pressure she wasn’t sure she was ready for. “So how many brothers and sisters do you have?”

“
Four brothers. Two sisters.”

“
Big family.”

“
Born and raised Catholic.” He stopped and looked at her. “Didn’t Misty say you were Catholic too?”

“
What? Yeah.” Kathryn didn’t want him to notice how desperately she was working to make all of this information fit into her dream guy.

“
Oh, good. Because you know I only date Catholics. Mom says it makes it easier that way.”

Mom again. She was becoming a fixture. “Oh, yeah? How’s that?”

“
Well, you know how crazy some people are in the world today. I sure don’t want to hook up with someone who doesn’t have a good perspective on life.”