Coming Undone (33 page)

How could something so logical sound so stifling?

“
Not that there’s anything wrong with other religions. It’s just that, you know, getting some girls to agree to the Catholic thing can be a real nightmare.”

She didn’t know what to question first. “The Catholic thing? I don’t follow.”

“
Well, you know, like having a big family. That’s really important to me.”

Kathryn nodded. “And how… big are you thinking?”

“
Oh, I don’t know six… seven.”

The walls started closing on her. Six or seven children? Her eyebrows started for the ceiling, but she forced them to stay down.

“
And your wife will work?”

Nathan laughed. “Of course not. She’ll stay home and home school like my mom did. It’s really the best way to raise a family.” He reached for his glass and took a drink.

Nodding, because she didn’t know what else to do, Kathryn ducked and wiped at her mouth with her napkin. If Misty knew all of this, she sure hadn’t let Kathryn in on it.

“
That’s why when Misty said she had a good Catholic girl working there at the unit, I just had to meet you.” Nathan smiled at her in a way that creeped her out.

Kathryn swallowed, praying that God would get her out of this before Nathan proposed.

“
Terence! Sit down!” Tamitha said as her youngest knelt up on the chair next to Ben.

For his part, Ben was trying to eat without being noticed. The way he figured it, the faster he ate, the sooner he could go home.

“
Have you talked to Kathryn?” Jason asked through the children and the clank of the plates, and Ben’s whole awareness snapped to his brother.

“
Um. Uh.” Ben wiped his mouth with the little paper napkin. “Yeah for a few minutes today.” He reached for his water as gazes from around the table landed on him. “But just for a few minutes.” It was as if he couldn’t stress that part enough.

Jason picked up his garlic toast. “Did you tell her about tomorrow night?”

Ben nearly choked on the water. Did they have to do this here? “Uh, yeah. I did. I don’t know if she’ll come though, you know. She’s really busy.”

“
Kathryn?” Holly asked. “Is this the nurse at hospice?”

“
Social worker,” Jason corrected her.

“
Oh, that’s right.” Holly trained her gaze on her brother-in-law who suddenly wished nothing more than the ability to disappear. “Jason says she’s really nice.”

Trying to figure out how not to make an idiot of himself, Ben nodded slightly. “She is.” He picked up his fork and let his gaze drop to the plate. His heart turned over at the thought that she was probably out on her date right now. He wondered about the guy, and one major part of him wanted nothing more than to knock the guy’s head of his shoulders. It must be the lost sleep and the stress. He’d never had such a desire before toward someone he had never even met.

“
Well, I hope she comes,” Holly said. “I’d love to meet her.”

Ben bent forward farther and scratched his ear. The truth was he hoped she would come too.

“
I figured we could catch the 9:30 show,” Nathan said as they drove away from the restaurant.

With everything in her, Kathryn wanted to ask him to take her home. She wanted to put on her warm, fuzzy pajamas, get a cup of hot chocolate and curl up on the couch. But she knew the details of this date would get back to Misty. “Sounds good.”

“
No. Really,” Ben said as he pulled on his jacket. “I’m beat. I haven’t slept in my own bed in forever.”

“
Are you sure you’re going to be all right getting home?” Tamitha asked as the four of them stood around him, looking like chaperones at a high school dance where he’d just been caught smoking.

“
I’ll be fine.” He reached over and air kissed her. Then he shook Kelly’s hand. “I swear.”

Kelly didn’t look pleased. Neither did Jason, but they clearly couldn’t come up with a way or a reason to keep him there.

“
Okay, but you drive carefully,” Holly said as he barely brushed her arm in farewell.

“
I’m fine.” He looked over at Jason. “And stop looking at me like that. You guys get some sleep. I’ll see you at the funeral home tomorrow evening.” He pulled his jacket closer around him. The night wasn’t all that cold, but his spirit was shivering. Quickly he exited and turned only once, barely, to bid them all good-bye. Then he hurried to his car and with only a bit of trouble crawled behind the wheel.

They were still looking, so he wasted no time. In seconds the car was started, seconds more and he was pulling away from the house and then the neighborhood. His whole body relaxed from the strain of trying to appear all right. Honestly, he couldn’t be sure he was all right or not all right. Mostly he was just numb.

His gaze chanced on the little cell phone, and he thought about calling her. But he shook that thought away. He wouldn’t disturb her now. That wouldn’t be fair. She had her own life to live, and it didn’t include him.

The laser guns cut across the dark black screen as the saviors of the universe fought evil personified. It wasn’t as gory as some, but it was hardly in Kathryn’s realm of enjoyable. Ten minutes after the lights went down, Nathan had stealthily reached over and taken her hand. She hadn’t been prepared for that move, and now that her hand was stuck, she couldn’t come up with a good way to extract it without him getting the wrong idea—or the right idea.

As the spaceship zoomed to a different galaxy, her brain went through her options. He was a nice guy. Yes. But his idea of marriage was so far separated from hers, she couldn’t quite see how the two could ever mesh. She looked at their hands together and couldn’t help but remember how Ben’s had felt. That wasn’t fair, of course. Nathan wasn’t Ben.

And that was as much of a problem as anything else about him.

Although he hadn’t gotten any real sleep in more than a week, Ben’s mind just wouldn’t shut off. Had she said she would come? He thought she had. He hoped she had. What if she did? Could he keep his feelings for her—such that he still couldn’t figure out—from being broadcast to the entire world? He certainly didn’t want to embarrass her. Especially since she was only coming because it was a part of her job.

That was the part that confused him the most. How much of her spending time with him was because of her job, and how much was something else? Was any of it something else? His heart panged forward in hopes that it was, but he couldn’t tell how much of that was real and how much was just wishful thinking.

If he didn’t get to sleep soon, he’d be counting non-existent dots in the dark. How depressing was that?

“
I had a great time,” Nathan said at her door. He was definitely making a move on her with his hand pressed against the wall next to her door.

“
Yeah, me too.” All she wanted was to get in that door without him following. “Thanks for dinner. The movie was great too. It’s been a long time since I’ve been out like that.” She was rambling because her mouth was stuck on talk.

Slowly he leaned over to her, put his hand on her shoulder, and bent his lips to hers. Air jammed into her lungs, and she slammed her eyes closed just as his lips met hers. Whatever she’d thought it would feel like, this was not it. His hands came around her waist and then her back, gripping her closer as she fought with herself not to push him away. It felt wrong, all wrong. And the only reason she didn’t run was because she couldn’t.

Finally the kiss broke, and she nearly lost her balance careening backward. “I… I’ll see you later.” And with that, she fled inside. When the door was closed and locked between them, she leaned on it, praying he wouldn’t knock. For ten whole seconds she fully expected him to, but when he didn’t, she finally breathed a sigh of relief. Her gaze slid up to the ceiling. “Oh, Lord, please tell me he wasn’t the one You sent.”

Ben had never prayed for anyone or anything in his lifetime. However, as the clock wound around to 1:15 in the cold, dark bedroom, he could think of nothing else to do. He wished he could call and talk to her. Just talk. That always calmed him down and made life seem to make a little more sense. But she was probably sleeping. Or she wasn’t, which twisted his gut. He rolled over and put his wrist onto his forehead. “God, please, please be with Kathryn, wherever she is. Keep her safe for me, and give her peace.”

The apartment was dark, but Kathryn never slowed down. She picked the bouquet up from the coffee table, went into the kitchen, dumped the whole thing in the sink and flipped on the garbage disposal. Four flowers down the drain, she started sneezing, but she didn’t quit until they were all gone and Lysol had chased them down.

Although Kathryn had been to many funerals and wake services, this one felt very different. She dressed in her smoke-black dress suit and twisted her hair up into a loose knot. A little make-up and she was ready. Seven o’clock on a Saturday night. Without really even thinking the words, she thanked God that her schedule was so free that she hadn’t even had to worry about changing plans. She checked her watch as she grabbed her purse and headed out to the car. There was plenty of time, but she didn’t want him to think she had forgotten.

The dark suit. The white shirt. The black tie. They were all so formal, all so somber. Ben checked his reflection once more in the full length mirror on his closet. He looked about as good as he was going to. The air escaped from his lungs in a long, protracted whoosh. If he could just keep his nerves from overtaking him, he’d be all right. Grabbing his wallet and keys, he headed out to the car, trying not to remember how much he was hoping she would actually show up.

He knew that wasn’t what he was supposed to be thinking about at this juncture, but it was better than the alternatives. In fact, it would be much better if she actually did come. If she didn’t, he wasn’t sure there would be enough glue in the world to hold him together.

Thirty minutes later, Ben was standing with Jason and Holly as the funeral director gave them the 411 on the itinerary of the service. “We’ll have the service in the main chapel. There’s more room in there.”

The front door of the funeral home opened, and the movement at the far end of the hall grabbed Ben’s attention. The sight snagged his heart and jerked the rest of him around. He blinked twice at the vision that could be no other person on the earth.

“
Kathryn,” Jason said also looking up and seeing her. He held out his hand for her to join them, which she did like she was walking on a cloud.

She looked eternally graceful and more beautiful than Ben had even allowed himself to remember. “Jason.” Walking right to his brother, she wrapped an arm around his waist. “I’m so sorry about your dad.”

Jason accepted the hug and then turned her to his wife and daughter. “Kathryn, I’d like you to meet Holly and Ryley.”

“
Holly.” Kathryn smiled and offered her hand. The two women shook hands, and then Kathryn laid hers on the little blonde curls streaming down the head ducking into Holly’s shoulder. “Ryley. It’s nice to meet you.” She returned her attention to Holly. “I’m so sorry to hear about your father-in-law. I had the privilege of meeting the family at the hospice unit. They’ve become very special to me.”

“
I’ve heard good things about you,” Holly replied with a smile as her gaze jumped over to Ben who felt like he’d been jolted with a 1,000 watts of pure electricity. He couldn’t even trust his own mind to tell him logical things to do—with his hands, with his voice, with his heart. Holly replaced her gaze on Kathryn. “Thank you for coming. We’re very glad to have you.”

“
Thank you,” Kathryn said, glancing around at them. When her gaze got to Ben’s, awkwardness dropped between them just before she let her gaze plummet to the carpet. She lifted it with effort, causing his heart to jump into his throat. Her smile was so soft, it was barely there. “Ben.”

He nodded. “Kathryn.” Why couldn’t he get any more than that out? Words jammed into feelings making any more impossible.

A moment and she smiled softly. “I guess I’ll just go get a seat.”

People were now streaming in the front doors. Somehow Ben hadn’t noticed that. His whole attention had been fixed on her as the oxygen had suddenly dissipated from the room around him. He should say something, do something to keep her from walking any and taking his heart with her.
Pound. Pound. Pound
. His heart thudded in his chest and ears making it impossible to think straight.

“
I’ll talk to you later,” she said, and then somehow, horror of absolute horror, she was walking away. All the gazes in their little knot, especially his, went with her. He felt every step she took.

When she got to the door, however, Kelly and Tamitha came in and stopped her just before she turned toward the chapel. Ben couldn’t tear his gaze from them even though the funeral director resumed his checklist. Kelly and Kathryn talked for a short minute, and then Kelly looked over at Ben who stood somewhere in the vicinity of shell-shocked and non-functioning. With a knowing smile, Kelly lifted his chin and then lowered his head to hear what the women next to him were saying. Then, taking charge, he put his hand on Kathryn’s back and the three of them turned for the chapel.