Coming Undone (36 page)

“
Praise to You, Lord Jesus Christ,” Kathryn replied with most of the rest of the congregation. When she went to sit, she realized Ben hadn’t followed. She reached up and touched his arm.

He looked down and realized his mistake. Quickly he sat next to her. Smoothing, shifting, moving. There wasn’t a thing about him that was calm. His head twisted one way and then the other, and he closed his eyes clearly struggling.

It was impossible to know how he would take it, if she was over-stepping her bounds or doing something that would push him away forever, but she took the leap and reached across for his hand. His gaze snapped to hers, and she ducked her gaze in seriousness at him, asking without asking if he was all right.

At first his eyes were wild, like they were looking for an escape hatch, but then the wild fell away, revealing only a deep, heart-wrenching sadness. She understood. After all, he’d just lost his father.

Ben dropped her gaze with a shake of his head even as he left his hand in hers. She was an angel. He was scum. What other conclusion could any sane person possibly come to after hearing all of that?

Father Patrick stepped down the stairs to address the congregation, and Ben wondered again how long this might take, hating himself for wondering even as he did so. He was sure she wasn’t thinking that. She probably had the readings memorized.

“
We gather today not only in sadness over the death of our brother, Ronald Warren, but to rejoice in Ron’s life. Our readings illuminate so beautifully the point of reference that Ron had learned over the course of his life. During one of our last meetings together, he told me about this point of reference—how he had been reading about survivors and the tricks they use to survive. One of those tricks that Ron was most enamored with was that of the point of reference. He told me that there was a time when his life had spun out of control, and he very nearly lost everything. But then he spoke of the point of reference he had found right here.” Father Patrick picked up the Bible in his hands. “I remember Ron telling me how he had learned to go to his point of reference when life and death decisions had been placed in his hands and how that single decision had made such a dramatic impact upon his life.

“
We spoke at length about the Gospel. How Jesus had sent an Advocate in the Holy Spirit to be with us, and how Ron had found in the Spirit an emotional point of reference, a single point that was there always and did not move. Having found that, it gave him the freedom to take risks like reaching out to his younger son and reestablishing contact with him.” Father Patrick looked across at Jason. “That moment was so very precious to your dad. He spoke of how frightened he’d been to take that leap, but how very grateful he had been for the opportunity.”

Ben’s attention shifted from the self-loathing ones back to the present situation. His father. This was the last he would hear from him, about him. That thought drown all the others.

“
In fact, I believe in choosing this particular reading, Ron was giving us all a clue about what he most wanted for each of us.” Then Father Patrick looked right at Ben. “Finding that point of reference for your life is critical. When life has you coming all undone, it can mean the difference between surviving and succumbing.” His gaze slipped away, but Ben still felt it there. “When we find God and make Him our point of reference, we find just what St. Paul talked about in our second reading. We begin to become people of honor, justice, purity, love, graciousness, peace, and excellence. Not through a force of our own will but by the gracious direction of God’s love working in our lives. When those things begin to permeate our lives, our eyes are open, and we can begin to see what God is doing in our lives. Like Elisha from the first reading, we don’t see empty hills and an enemy army surrounding us, we begin to see the angels coming to our aid. We begin to see God’s power working in our lives just like Ron did in the later stages of his life. I have to say, I believe that was his greatest wish for all of us.” He paused. “Let us stand and remember our brother Ron.”

Dutifully Ben stood, but he didn’t let go of her hand, or maybe she didn’t let go of his. He couldn’t clearly tell who was holding onto whom anymore. And he wasn’t at all sure that was even a bad thing.

Although Ben asked, Kathryn chose to drive herself to the graveyard. It would have been too weird to ride in the limousine. As she drove slowly amidst the string of cars, she let her thoughts trail back to the church, standing there, holding his hand for all the world to see. She wondered again if that’s what it felt like to be in love. True, she would do anything for him. That was a given, but today would not last forever. At some point it would end, and there would be a tomorrow, and tomorrow life would go on—for him and for her. Where that would leave them was anyone’s guess. Still, she pushed that back, determined to be here for him today. Tomorrow would have to take care of itself.

After the short ceremony in the graveyard, the crowd broke up, and Ben stood under the little awning for one more moment looking at the casket as the others dissipated. The spray of flowers had been removed, and the casket now stood over the hole in the ground bare but stoic—ready for its fate. A hand clapped him on the back, and Ben turned to find Kelly, eyes sad and knowing, right behind him. Wordlessly, they embraced. Gratefulness for his friend tore through Ben. He didn’t deserve such a good friend as this one.

When the embrace broke, they turned together, looking at the casket.

“
So do you think this is it?” Ben asked, feeling the utter pointlessness of it all if it was.

“
Nah, man. You’ll see him again. He’s probably up there right now getting everything all organized for the rest of us.”

Ben laughed. “He certainly tried to get me organized.”

Kelly joined the laugh. “Like that ever worked.”

The laugh fell away as Ben shook his head. “It just went so fast.”

A moment and Kelly sighed softly. “It all does, man. That’s why we’ve got to make the right stuff important instead of taking for granted it’s always going to be here.”

Ben thought about that and then put his hand out. It took Kelly a minute to react.

“
Thanks,” Ben said.

“
For what?”

“
For… I don’t know… for being here, for not blowing me off when you could have and probably should have.”

Kelly laughed and waved. “Oh, that. Well, you know, what did I have better to do, right?” After they shook hands, his gaze slipped past Ben, who turned to follow it. Across the graveyard, Kathryn stood, holding Ryley and talking to Jason and Holly. She looked like she’d found a new little friend. The sight made Ben’s heart jerk.

“
You know,” Kelly said, “it’s none of my business, but…”

He wanted to hear, to think down the road Kelly was going, but Ben knew the story was all but over, her job was over, she had done exactly as she had told him she would do—she had seen him through. “We’d better get over there. Jason was talking about going to eat somewhere. Are you and Tamitha going to come, or do you have to get back to work?”

Side-by-side they started across the grassy hill dotted with gray and brown headstones.

“
Yeah, we’ll be going back probably tomorrow,” Jason said. “I’ve got to get back for work.”

Without really realizing she was doing it, Kathryn ran her hand up and down the little child’s back who snuggled into her arms. Sometime in the last hour as her parents spoke with everyone, the little girl had attached herself to Kathryn, and Kathryn wasn’t arguing. She laid her cheek on the soft, blonde curls, wishing this never had to end. They had all become like family to her. How would she ever let them go?

“
So.” Ben stepped up with Kelly, and his brash manner surprised Kathryn. He looked more on top of his game than he had since they’d met. It made her heart collapse to think he no longer needed her. “I was thinking Orlando’s or maybe Vencini’s. How does Italian sound to everyone?”

Just like that Kathryn felt her place with all of them evaporate. She was no longer needed—he no longer needed her; they no longer needed her. Her spirit stepped back and away from them. It hurt, but she breathed that down, praying God would get her through the next few minutes.

“
Sounds good to me,” Jason said. “I’m starving.”

Tamitha came to stand by Kelly. “We could go for some Italian.”

“
Great!” Ben said, clapping his hands as if he couldn’t wait. “Then what are we waiting for?”

The shattering of Kathryn’s heart was taking all of her willpower to keep down. It hurt worse than she could ever have imagined. “Well.” She shifted Ryley slightly and with one more rub across the child’s back, she detached from the child, handing her back to Holly. “I’d better be getting back to work.”

Like a whipsaw, Ben’s heart hit his shoes. “Work?” His gaze jumped to her. “You’re not…? You’re not going to… join us?”

She smiled, softly, serenely, as he had seen her do a hundred thousand times. “No, I’d really better get back. But you all take care.”

He heard what she was saying loud and clear, and suddenly he couldn’t breathe. She really was leaving. Not for an hour, not for a day, but for forever. He stood there, helplessly, not knowing how to make it stop.

“
You guys travel safely,” she said, giving first Holly and then Jason a hug. She stepped to Kelly and Tamitha and offered her hand. “It was nice to meet you. Take care.”

She had to be kidding! She had to be! She couldn’t just leave. Not now. Not like this. And then she was standing right in front of him, looking like the professional, in control woman who had walked into Dr. Vitter’s office an eternity before. Her soft smile tore his heart out. “Let us know if you need anything.” She put her hand out, and Ben looked down at it not comprehending anything.

“
I… Okay.” He shook her hand and then couldn’t take the distance between them one more second. With that he pulled her to him, latching on, praying she wouldn’t just walk out of his life. “Thank you.”

Her hand rubbed up and down his back, and although he wanted it to be special, he knew she was only comforting another bereaved client. He let go and looked at her, but she wouldn’t look back. Instead, her gaze was melded to the ground between them.

She sniffed softly and nodded. “You’re welcome.” Then for one small moment her gaze came up to his. It held for only a heartbeat and then fell again. “Take care.” Her hand stayed on his arm, squeezed once more, and then dropped. For one whole moment he thought she was going to say more because she didn’t move. Then, head down, she turned from their group and walked off, taking his heart with her.

Keep walking, Kate. Keep walking and don’t look back
. Tears streamed down Kathryn’s face with each step she took, and she hated them all. If anyone had seen her, they would’ve thought she had completely lost it. But this was her
job
for goodness sake. Her job. Professionals didn’t lose it like this. What was wrong with her?

Again and again on the trek to her car, she pushed his face from her memory and her heart. She had to get away, to put distance between them. It was the only way she could hope to keep any pieces of her heart that were left together.

“
What are you doing?” Kelly asked, heat permeating the statement he hissed at his friend. “Why are you just standing there? Go after her already.”

Ben’s gaze fell from the sight of her walking away. Seeing that was tearing him apart anyway. He turned back to the little group with a little shrug. “She needs to get back to work.”

Kelly let out an exasperated exhale. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Facing how little he really meant to her was hard enough, doing it with an audience was horrific. “So are we going to eat or what? I’m starving.” He really wasn’t. In fact, he might never eat again.

“
Dr. Lightner just called from the heart wing,” Misty said as Kathryn stood at the counter thirty minutes later.

She was proud of herself for the solid snap-mask she had been able to force over the emotions in the hospice parking lot. True, it had taken all the way to there to stop crying, but once she had, it almost seemed like life could go on like normal. “Okay. Did they send the paperwork down?”

“
It’s on your desk.”

“
Have they assigned a room yet?”

“
Twelve.”

Mrs. Davis’s room. And before that Mr. Warren’s. Her heart lurched at that thought, but she yanked it back.

“
How was the funeral?” Misty asked with some hesitation.

Kathryn barely looked up from the phone messages Misty had given her. “Oh, fine. It was nice.” She could feel Misty about to ask more questions, so she looked up and smiled her best
all is right with the world
smile. “I’d better get to work.”

“
Yeah.”

The conversation floated around Ben. He laughed when everyone else did though he could hardly follow the conversation for the pain in his heart. He tried to look interested as Jason told everyone about his job and the little town where they lived. He tried, but it didn’t work very well. In a strange way it was like being able to see that life was all some fancy, elaborate play. He was watching it rather than being in it. They were talking, about what? Did any of it matter? Was any of it even real?