Coming Undone (40 page)

“
Wow.” His gaze traveled down the length of her.

“
Like it?” Like a little girl, she turned slowly in front of him.

“
Love it.” But his gaze said he was talking about more than the dress.

“
Hang on, let me get my purse.”

He stepped in, his hands in his pockets. “I would have brought flowers, but I didn’t want to make you sick.”

She came back to the door, laughing. “Great plan. We’d better get or we’re going to be late.”

“
Wouldn’t want that.”

Somehow the thought of this being their first real date surged in him again as he was opening the door of his car for her. That thought coupled with where it was they were going bowled him over. On his way around the car, he raised his eyes to Heaven. “God, listen, man, You’re going to have to do this because I’m way out of my league here.” He got in beside her. “You good?”

She smiled a mega-watt smile back at him. “Great.”

They held hands into church and all the way down the aisle. Only eight rows from the front did she stop. This church was nothing like the little chapel. For one thing, there were people. Lots of them. For another this place was huge. It was decorated in cream and white so the whole thing was bright, from the shiny floors all the way up to the cream-colored curtains flanking the wooden altar.

Although Kathryn knelt, Ben simply sat. He felt like everyone was looking right at him. Strangely, he had never felt the need for God more than at this moment. He wasn’t sure if that was because he was in church or because he was just so far out of his comfort zone, he was willing to take any help he could get. After a few minutes, she sat down next to him. Who was supposed to reach out to whom? He didn’t know. Where there rules about that here? He wished this was St. Jude’s. At least there he would’ve known Father Patrick wasn’t going to throw him out for a mistake.

Her hand rested on her leg. It was right there, and he wondered if that was a sign. Swallowing, he reached over, and in the next second her hand was once again in his. That was right. He knew it the moment the connection was made.

The service started. They stood, they sat, they stood again. It would have been dizzying had his hand not been in hers. Because it was, he knew she would guide him rightly and never let him fall. That was a nice thought. He thanked God for his angel, even if he didn’t deserve her.

“
Today’s Gospel of the walk to Emmaus,” the priest said. He was older than Father Patrick, taller, thinner, and frailer. However, he spoke with that same quiet confidence Ben had noticed in Father Patrick. “There are several symbols that we miss because we do not understand the geography of that time. Emmaus wasn’t just another town. The disciples weren’t going there to get groceries. In fact, although this passage is referred to as the
walk
to Emmaus, there is reason to believe the disciples were doing more than just walking.

“
To put it bluntly, they were running. They were high-tailing it out of Jerusalem. You see, Jesus had just been crucified—dying a horrific, very public death. They had heard the stories of His resurrection, but to them, they were just amazing stories that couldn’t be real. Now Emmaus led away from Jerusalem back to the Roman Empire. The symbolism is that they had turned their backs on Jerusalem. They had made the decision to turn away from what God had shown them, what Jesus had done and run back into the world.”

Ben shifted in the seat. Did these little talks always hit so close to home? He didn’t remember that from before.

“
And then Jesus came and was walking in their midst, but they were prevented from seeing it was Him. Some scholars think this was God’s doing, but I’m not so sure. I think maybe they were prevented from seeing Who Jesus really was because they were so focused on running away from Him. Many of us do the same thing. We are so focused on the world and its trials and tribulations, that we often don’t realize Jesus is walking right there with us. And if you notice, Jesus does not stop until they ask Him to. He was going to go on, but then they asked Him to stay.

“
That is hardly an irrelevant line. Jesus walks with all of us, but He will never stay where He is not invited and welcomed. Our Protestant brothers call this getting saved. Basically, it amounts to recognizing Jesus for Who He really is in our lives and asking Him to stay with us. And I don’t care if you’ve known Him for years or if you just got baptized two weeks ago, take a few moments right now to close your eyes and ask Jesus to stay with you. He will stay if you just ask. And just like at Emmaus, He will then reveal Himself plainly to you.”

The priest stepped away from the podium, and although Ben’s rational mind said this was stupid, still he bent his head. He didn’t even know the right words.
God, that’s me. I’ve been running to the world. I don’t know how to do this or even the right way to say it, so please hear what I mean even if I don’t say it right. Please stay with me. Please. I’m tired of running. I’m tired of feeling so empty. Please show me how to get back to You. Please.

On his hand, Kathryn squeezed, and when he looked at her, he knew God was answering his prayers. He turned back to the front as Mass continued, but his prayers continued as well.
Lord, You and I both know I don’t deserve Kathryn. Show me how to love her, and please help me not to ever hurt her.

When Mass was over, they walked hand-in-hand back out to his car. He opened her door again, and Kathryn marveled that he was what she had always asked God for—a gentleman who wasn’t out for a one-night stand. How that had happened she wasn’t at all sure because part of her knew that had been who he was, but somewhere down deep she suspected it had something to do with all of those prayers she had sent up on his behalf, even when she didn’t know who he was.

They started out of the parking lot and were already on the way to their next stop when he looked over at her.

“
Mind if I ask you something?”

She was so happy she really didn’t even hear the question. “Shoot.”

“
You and God are pretty close, right?”

“
Yeah, pretty close.”

“
Well, how do you do that? I mean how does it get from being all stinky incense and boring words to really believing like you do?”

She anchored her gaze outside. “Well, it’s kind of like going with somebody I guess. I mean we’ve just gotten to know each other.”

“
Like reading the Bible and going to church?”

“
Yes and no. You can do all of that stuff out of duty, but miss what He’s really about.”

“
Which is?”

“
Letting Him get to know you and you getting to know Him. He really is like my best friend. I know that sounds weird or whatever, but it’s true. I tell Him things I wouldn’t dare tell anybody else.”

“
Like what?”

It was always hard to see these traps before she was in one. She glanced over at him. How far could she trust him? “Well, like with guys and dating. We’ve had a lot of conversations about why He wasn’t sending my knight in shining armor and what was taking Him so long.”

“
Knight in shining armor, huh? Wow. No pressure there.”

She laughed. “It’s a girl thing. We hear about the prince that’s going to come and sweep us off our feet, and we want it to be like that. What I’ve had to learn is to let God be my prince… even though sometimes that worked better than others.”

“
You’ve waited a long time, huh?”

The sigh was sad and soft. “Yeah. I kept wondering what was so wrong with me, you know? And I’d ask God that. ‘God, what’s wrong with me? Why is this happening for everybody else but not for me?’” Her smile was tight. “That’s pathetic.”

“
I don’t know. Maybe it’s just real.”

“
It’s weird though even though Mr. Magic Wonderful didn’t show up, I always knew he would.” Her gaze was down on her lap, but then it slid over to him. “I always believed God would answer my prayers and send me someone I could love and maybe even someone who could love me.”

Ben had never been given a more delicate, fragile responsibility in his life. Just the look in her eyes, that vulnerability and hope, made him see with his heart as much as with his eyes. He vowed to never let her down, but he knew without God, he was sure to do just that. Reaching across the seat, he took her hand, liking how soft and small it was in his. “Maybe God just had to get the prince’s attention first.”

She smiled. “Maybe so.”

The whole day was wonderful, not because it was stress-free but because she was there every step of the way. Ben had never in his life felt this way with anyone else. He could count on her. She didn’t push. She didn’t demand or force or even manipulate. She was just there, with him, no matter what.

When he took her back to her apartment after the sun had gone and the stars were out, he still didn’t want the day to end. It had all gone so fast, and suddenly he knew the danger of going slowly. Still, she had asked, and he wanted to respect her wishes. However, at her door slowly was one skip away from his grasp. Before she had the chance to get to her door, he arrested her movement and pulled her into his arms.

“
Kathryn.” His voice was husky because he felt the meld of her body on his. “I hope you don’t mind, but there’s something I’ve been wanting to do all day.”

“
Oh, yeah?” She looked up at him. “What’s that?”

“
This.” Slowly because she had asked for it to be, he lowered his lips until they brushed hers. It was a good thing he was holding her because she relaxed with one breath. Far from relaxing, his whole body bolted to attention. He let his lips find hers again, and then he was spinning on the feel of her and how she breathed and how she moved.

“
Ho… hold up,” she finally breathed, backing up. “Um…”

“
I know,” he said, pulling her back into his embrace. “Slowly.”

Not that that was going to be easy.

It was probably a good thing that Misty was gone. Kathryn had no idea what she would even tell her best friend. Life had spun around so very quickly it was hard to hang on. All day Monday she floated through life. She even managed a short trip to the chapel to say thanks. Not that they were a done deal, but it was nice to think they might be someday.

He called Monday night to see how she was doing, and they talked for nearly two hours—about the day, about themselves, about life. Kathryn still sensed that he was less than sure about how to be in a real relationship; however, she couldn’t really blame him. She wasn’t wholly sure how to do any of it either. But as long as she didn’t think about that, it was easy. It was easy to be with him, to talk, to just be. She couldn’t remember ever having the opportunity to just be with anyone before. It was freeing and exciting and exhilarating. All she wanted was to be with him in that safe, wonderful place.

By Tuesday evening, she was headed home, looking forward to his call. If things went well, maybe he would even ask her out for Friday. She thought about calling her mom or Casey to find out how they were as she turned near a strip mall with cafes and shops she had never actually been in. That was odd because she’d lived in her apartment for years and had never had occasion to stop there on the way home. Maybe they could stop in sometime. Maybe on their first date, or their second. They could hold hands and just explore all of life that she had missed until now.

The light in front of her changed to green, and she glanced at the car turning right next to her as she slipped into the intersection. In the next second she heard the brakes and braced though she didn’t even really think about it. Life slid into slow motion as she saw the blur of the car to her left coming at her. It seemed to not even be moving, but somehow she knew it was. She slammed on the brakes, praying the impact wouldn’t send her careening into the other car.

Like bomb explosions, sounds erupted around her. Metal, horns, brakes. She was slammed one way against the seatbelt and met the air bag coming the other way. It jolted all thought from her. When the motion stopped, she could tell she was still breathing. That was all.

Ben had put off calling her all day, not because he didn’t want to but because he didn’t want to be a pest. She had work to do and a life. So when he got home, he called Kelly instead. They needed to get together for another poker night. That was as good an excuse as any.

“
Hey, dude, what’s up?” Kelly asked.

“
Well, I just wanted to let you to know I took your advice.”

“
There’s a switch.” Kelly paused a moment. “Oh, wait a minute. This wouldn’t have to do with a certain lady friend and actually making a move you’ve wanted to make for weeks now, would it?”

Ben couldn’t stop the smile. He relaxed back onto the couch. “It could.”

“
Y-es! I knew it. You called her, and…”

“
And we went out to church on Sunday.”

“
To church? Wow. This is serious.”

“
She was going. I just tagged along.” But Ben couldn’t help but think he’d enjoyed it more than that. “And then we went to Dad’s and sorted some more stuff.”

“
All right. All right. This is definite progress. So you’re going out this weekend, right?”

“
Thinking about it. Thinking about it. I just don’t want to push her, you know. I’m not interested in renting with this one.” The admission yanked up excitement he hadn’t expected.