Coming Undone (18 page)

Worry took over Kathryn. “He hasn’t been eating?”

“
He ate like two bites of his hamburger today. Said the bread was hard.” Jason shook his head and glanced at the door. “Maybe I should go talk to him.”

“
No.” Kathryn stopped them all with the sharpness of the word. “Let me go. Maybe he’ll talk to me.”

Kelly started to argue and then nodded. “Good luck.”

She was going to need more than luck. “Say some prayers.”

“
You got it, girl.”

When he got outside, Ben realized he didn’t know where he was going. His car was back at his dad’s house. How or why that was, he couldn’t really remember. Frustrated by being stranded by his own stupidity, he sat down on the curb and raked his fingers through his hair, yanking at the tangles and pulling for good measure. He wanted to stop thinking, but the thoughts just wouldn’t stop no matter what he did.

Tears choked into his throat, and he sniffed them back and ran his nose over his sleeve, not caring about propriety or etiquette or anything else even vaguely resembling civility. Heaving air in and out, he felt the center of his heart wrench and twist. He’d never hurt like this. The ache swept his breath and his thoughts away as overwhelming tears welled up inside him, overtaking sanity and everything else.

“
Hey.” Suddenly she was bending down right next to him—how or why, he didn’t know.

Ben said nothing. Instead he sniffed again and slid his nose over his sleeve, fighting to get the tears to stop. Anger bled through him as he wiped at one eye with his wrist. He really didn’t care how rude he seemed by turning his head from her. He didn’t want to talk to her or anyone else.

Without asking, she sat down on the curb next to him. It was strange because she was dressed in the nicest clothes—heels and silk and the whole thing, and yet, she sat right down there on the concrete without so much as a hesitation.

Thinking it would be much better if he just didn’t look at her, Ben put his elbows on his knees and angled his arms in front of him as he anchored his gaze directly in front of him—stoically mashing the tears back. Traffic crawled by on the street one line of parked cars away. How he wished he could join that life again. It had at least made some sense. Well, at least what he remembered of it did.

He had thought she would start talking, start telling him why he was being an idiot and why he was doing everything completely wrong, but she didn’t say anything, just sat there next to him, looking out at the traffic too. At first he thought that was better, then it began crawling over his nerves as if she was forcing him to tell her everything by some silent-drip-by-drip torture. Why didn’t she say something? He glanced over at her, and she looked at him and smiled softly. There was light in her eyes, and compassion.

The anger slipped away from him as he looked back out to the traffic and sighed. Words began to form in his mind. Not harsh words or angry words, just words.

“
He thought we should go out to a restaurant for Christmas this last year,” Ben said, letting the words come up and out though they would make no sense to her. “He said he didn’t want me to have to drive all the way out to his place.”

Kathryn turned her attention from the traffic to him but said nothing.

“
I didn’t think anything of it at the time. I just figured he was staying at the apartment, you know, and that it would be easier for him too.” The twisting of his heart made getting the words out more difficult. “I never once thought that…” Tears reached up from his throat and grabbed him again. He sniffed them back, fighting to breathe through them. “Was I so damn busy with my own life that I never even bothered to see what was really going on with my own dad?” He exhaled. “I feel like such an idiot.”

“
You’re not an idiot.” Her tone was so soft and wholly without judgment. “We all get wrapped up. It’s easy to miss the signs.”

“
But I should have been there. I should have known.”

“
Beating yourself up over it is not going to help.”

He laughed, a hollow, hurt-filled laugh. “Yeah? Well, I’m not the only one. They’re doing it too.” With a jerk of his head, he indicated the hospice doors. “Not that I blame them or anything.”

“
Hey, they don’t blame you. They know this is killing you, and they’re worried… about you.”

“
I wish they wouldn’t.”

“
Why not?”

“
Because I don’t want anyone to worry about me. I’m fine.”

“
Uh-huh. And that’s why you haven’t been eating.”

His gaze jerked over to her, and then he knew. He dropped his head in embarrassment and hard anger. “I… can’t. I feel like I’m going to throw up every time I even look at food.”

She took a long breath in and nodded. “For what it’s worth, that’s pretty normal. I really think you’re expecting yourself to be super-human here, and you’re not.”

Ben thought about that as it twisted down into his gut. “If I just knew how to fix this.”

“
It’s not something that can be fixed.” She waited for a reply, but he couldn’t find one. “This is just one of those times that you have to live through and learn as you go. You’re not going to do everything right because there is no right… or wrong. There is just being as gentle with yourself as you can…”

Ben growled in frustration. “Ugh. There’s those words again.”

She backed up an inch in surprise. “I take it you don’t agree.”

“
No. I don’t. Look. Being gentle with yourself is a one-way ticket to failure and a life of misery if you ask me.”

“
And holding yourself to impossible standards is not?” It was her turn to laugh although he wasn’t sure he totally liked her laughing at him. “Look at you. Look where beating Ben up has gotten you. You’re out here, sitting on a curb because you feel like a failure. You think you let your dad down, your brother down, your friend down…”

“
If this is supposed to be a pep talk…”

“
No. It’s not. It’s about trying to get you to see that this is not working. You are being harder on yourself than anyone else would ever be, and that includes your dad.”

His gaze swung over to hers. “What do you know about anything? You didn’t even know my dad.”

“
Not personally, but I knew of him. I work in a hospital. People talk. Your dad was one of the most trusted, well-liked doctors around. You don’t get to be known and respected like he was by being a hard-ass.”

Ben raised his eyebrows both at her tone and her language. “Do you talk to all of your clients like this?”

The smirk came although she tried to hide it. “Only the ones that need it.” Her gaze fell to her hands on her knees and then picked back up to his. “This whole façade thing you’ve got going on here might look like it works in the world, but it’s not real. I think what scares you is knowing it’s not.”

“
Oh, yeah?” He leaned back onto his hand as if they were just at a Sunday picnic. “What makes you think I’m scared?”

She looked right at him. “That.”

Confusion drained through him, and he shifted slightly. “What?”

“
That I’m so cool nothing can touch me attitude you get sometimes.”

He folded his arms as anger slithered into him. “Maybe it can’t.”

“
Oh, yeah? Then why are we sitting out here on the concrete?” She looked around at the day for emphasis. “I mean it’s a nice day and everything, but…”

That put a small crack in his well-oiled and executed life strategy. He reached up and scratched the top of his head before refolding his arms.

“
I’ve seen you,” she continued, and the softness in her eyes and voice called to a place in him he hadn’t felt in many years. “The real you. The one who doesn’t know everything and wants to do the right thing but doesn’t always know what that is.”

He uncoiled. “But…”

Quickly she sat up in anticipation of his protest. “And that’s okay. That’s okay. It is.” She slumped slightly when she realized he wasn’t going to fight further. “It’s just that I’ve seen what being real can be like, and I’ve seen the other road too. I don’t think putting on a mask to impress the world is what God had in mind for our lives.”

Ben scrunched his lips at that reference but tried not to show his annoyance. “Well, don’t go getting all spiritual on me. I just want to get through this in one piece.”

“
And you will.” She nodded. “You will. You will get through this. There will be another side. That’s why right now it’s so important not to set yourself up to hate yourself forever when you get to that other side. I don’t care who you are, losing someone you love is tough. This situation is tough. Don’t make it tougher by trying to be Superman.”

The late day sun warmed the earth, and the breeze carried the warmth right over them. Tired came, and hungry followed. He let his arms go, put his head down, and rubbed the back of his neck. It, like everything else in him, hurt. Maybe she was right, and maybe she wasn’t. His mind was so crammed full of thoughts, he couldn’t really tell.

“
Is the cafeteria still open?” he finally asked, looking back at the building.

“
24/7.”

As tired took over, his stomach unknotted, and he nodded. “I think I’ll go get me something to eat.”

The hesitation was only a second. “Would you like some company?”

The soft smile came from his heart. “I think I’d like that.”

Kathryn wasn’t sure why she had made the offer other than she was afraid to leave him alone. Kelly was right. He was not handling this very well at all. Of course, she had suspected as much, but seeing the emotional turmoil up close was more disconcerting than she had thought it would be.

He got chicken, a small salad, and some Jell-o. She got a salad and some water. Truth was, she hadn’t planned to eat, but she didn’t think sitting and watching him eat would set him at ease, so she got something. They took their trays to a table along the side wall. The cafeteria area was busier than usual, which was fine with her. More action, less down time.

When he had emptied his tray onto the table, she reached for it and didn’t let him protest her taking it. She took the trays over to the little stand and let herself take a breath before she headed back. “God, please take this situation and use me to give Ben Your love. Please help him to find peace.” It was the only way she got her feet to turn back to their table.

By some strange twist of fate, she’d somehow been suspended between really liking him and really knowing she shouldn’t, not like that anyway. As she walked back to the table, she fought not to catalog his good points, and there were many. But this was professional. He certainly didn’t need her drooling all over him right now.

She sat down and let out an exhale. Slowly she spun her plate. “So.”

He looked up at her. “So.” A moment and he picked up his fork and touched the Jell-o. “Is this stuff edible?”

“
I think it’s safe.”

He nodded as silence descended on the table.

A moment and then another as he cut into the slab of chicken. “What do you want to talk about?” he asked before he took a bite and looked over at her.

“
Well, we could talk about what’s going on, or something else if you want.”

Slowly he nodded. “I think something else.” He reached for his water.

She followed his nod as panic rose inside her. “Okay.”
Think, Kathryn. Think of something else. Not about him or his dad or the bills…
Picking up a forkful of lettuce, she held it there just above her plate. “So what do you like to do? Are you into music, sports, cars, what?”

“
Music. Yes. Sometimes. Sports. Yes. Not a have to be there for every game kind of thing, but I like to kick back on a Sunday and watch football with the guys. Cars. Like them but don’t know a thing about how they work, and as long as mine runs, that’s all I care about.” He took a bite of the chicken. “You?”

Kathryn let out an exhale and shook her head before smoothing her hair over her ear. “I mostly work and go to church. I’m not that big into sports. Misty took me to a hockey game back in February. Never want to do that again.” She kept her head down as she ate her next bite.

“
Oh, really? Why not?” He was cutting his chicken again, and was now looking at her as if he really wanted to know.

This is a diversion for him, Kathryn. Don’t get sucked into believing it’s real.
“Too violent. They like slam everybody into the walls, and then this really big fight broke out. They were punching each other, and it took like five minutes to break it up. Not my idea of a fun night out.”

“
So what do you do… when you go out, I mean?”

Boy, she had gotten into this trap quick. How did that happen? Her heart revved up, wondering when this got to be about her. But then she remembered, he didn’t want to talk about himself, so she needed to keep the conversation here to let him have a moment of peace. “I don’t really go out much. I mean, I work and I go to church. Sometimes I go visit my family, but not that often anymore.”

“
Oh, really? Why not?”

Why not? Why not? Good question. Because they treat me like an alien from another planet? Because all I hear is how depressed I must be because I don’t have a ring on my finger?
“A lot of reasons I guess.”