Coming Undone (20 page)

Jason was asleep in the chair. Ben lay on the couch breathing and almost wishing he had taken Kelly up on his offer. He put his arm on his forehead and looked up into the darkness punctuated only by a single shaft of light from the window. Although he didn’t want to think about it, his mind went to those days that were barely faded memories right after Tamitha’s mother had passed away.

He searched and searched his memory, trying to recall just why he hadn’t gone to that funeral. He hadn’t. He knew that. But why? What had been so urgent? A sales call? An out-of-town meeting? As he thought about it now, he couldn’t imagine what had been that important.

It brought tears to his eyes to realize the depths of his self-absorption. He hadn’t even really cared. That’s what hurt the most to realize. Their world was falling apart just like his was now, and he had blithely gone on with his life as if theirs didn’t matter a whit to him. In the darkness, he shook his head, rolled to the side, and squeezed his eyes closed. If he could just make the thoughts go away, just for a minute.

The sun was already up when Kathryn pulled into the hospice parking lot the next morning. She scanned the vehicles, wishing she knew which one belonged to him even as she told herself that was not the reason she was looking. It was for a close parking spot so she could get out at noon to head to Mrs. Baker’s funeral. She didn’t go to many of them, but this one she didn’t feel like she could miss.

It was always so odd how quickly things went after a patient passed on. There were the preparations, which she did not have a hand in, and then the funeral, and then the family went on with their lives. Sometimes she would pull up a chart and realize it had been a year or two, or five. Her heart filled with the thoughts as she wondered if when Ben was gone if she would remember forever how long it had been since he was here.

She batted those thoughts away. It really was pitiful how quickly they could snatch her sanity. Grabbing up her things, she headed inside. The weatherman had said to expect rain today, but he had obviously been wrong. There were only puffy white clouds in the beautiful blue sky.

“
Good morning,” she said to Misty who looked up, and it took little to nothing to know that they had lost another. Her heart slammed forward as she glanced toward the door at the far end of the lobby. “How are you?”

Misty’s smile was sad and regret-filled. “Mr. Gunthrey passed away this morning at six.”

“
Ah.” Kathryn let her things rest on the counter as she absorbed the news, stupidly thankful the name was Gunthrey not Warren.

“
They all went home last night even Mrs. Gunthrey. Her kids thought it would be best for her to get some rest. They took a night off, and that’s when he left.”

Kathryn’s heart fell with the news although it did not surprise her. There were too many times that the person passing on waited for just such a moment. While they were waiting, it was rarely clear just what they were waiting for. After, many times, it was abundantly clear. This was one of those times.

“
Have they come to get their things?” Kathryn asked.

“
They’ll be here in about thirty minutes. Her daughter just called.”

“
Okay.” Kathryn picked up her things once more. “Oh, I’m going to Mrs. Baker’s funeral at one.”

Misty nodded. As Kathryn walked down the hallway to her office, she thought how hard it was on all of them. It would have seemed like they would get used to it, and some of them did, but something told her that Misty never would. Kathryn was glad for that. It gave her the sense that she would never be left to face this job alone.

She left her things off in her office and went down to Mr. Gunthrey’s room. At least she could make sure there was no trash to sift through when the family showed up.

It had been a long night. Ben had awoken with every sound, tossed, turned, and thought far too much. When he opened his eyes to the morning light, he found Jason sitting in the chair, looking far too much like he was sure he, himself looked. Haggard and worn out.

“
Morning,” Jason said.

“
Ugh.” Ben pulled himself up. “Morning.” He rubbed his eyes. There wasn’t even an adjustment to the room, and it felt like he’d been in this room for his whole life.

“
I was thinking about running down to get some coffee,” Jason said. “You want to come?”

“
Oh, uh. No. You go on. I’ll just hang out for awhile.”

Jason stood and stretched. “K. I’ll be back.” Instead of walking to the door, he stopped first at the bed, and the knife of self-recrimination ran through Ben once again.

He put his head down as he laced his fingers and tried to stop the ever-present thoughts. After a moment, Jason moved on and departed. Ben flopped back onto the couch. Another day in this depressive hell. Lovely.

“
Oh, Kathryn.” Jason stopped her in the lobby as she got to the door to Mr. Gunthrey’s room.

She turned and smiled. “Hi, there.” Without pause she left the door and came over to him. “How’s everything this morning?”

He shifted feet, gazing more at the carpet than her. “We’re okay I think. Um, I was wondering if you knew how we could get in touch with Dad’s church. I don’t think anyone has called them yet, and I thought they should know.”

“
Oh, gosh. Yes. Of course. Let’s go to my office. We can call them from there. The information should be on some of the paperwork somewhere.”

He followed her down the hall, glancing back, his hands shoved in his pockets. “I probably should’ve told Ben before I said something. I mean we talked about it last night… kind of, but I don’t really know him all that well, you know? I sure don’t want to step on his toes or anything.”

Now that they were at her office door, she didn’t really either. She turned. “Do you think we should go back and say something?”

Jason looked like he’d been caught coming in after curfew. He slid his hand through his hair at the side of his head. “I don’t know.” He glanced back down the hallway. “I just don’t want to make anything any worse, you know?”

Kathryn nodded, considered, and then opened her door. “Why don’t we talk it through a little? We don’t have to decide right away.”

“
Okay.” He followed her into the room and sat on the opposite side of the desk as she took her seat.

She thought about looking for the paperwork but decided to wait.

With a sigh and not more than that, he started. “I’ve always dreamed about what it would be like to see Ben again. I mean it was so long ago when we left, and there were just these vague—I don’t know what you’d call them—memories, dreams, hallucinations of what he was like, you know? I would make up stories in my head about what he was like, what they were like.”

“
They?”

“
Him and Dad. What were they doing, what they were like, what they would think of me if I ever saw them again.” For a moment, Jason paused in thought. “And then Dad came for the wedding, so that piece was kind of filled in, but Ben was still this big mystery.”

His gaze came up to meet hers. “I just don’t want to mess up with him. I’ve waited so long to have a brother, and now that I have one, I just feel like if I make the slightest move out of square, he’s going to pitch me back into the pond.”

“
This must be really tough to want to be a part of the family but not really have a place.”

“
It’s not his fault. I mean he’s been here. I haven’t. I get that. It’s just…”

“
You’re not sure where you fit.”

“
Something like that.”

Pieces floated around in no discernable order. Should she ask? Finally she decided she needed to if for no other reason than to have something of a grasp of the situation. “So you were with your mom then?”

“
When I was about five, Mom and Dad split. The court said I had to go with Mom, but Ben was thirteen so he got to choose.”

“
And he stayed with your dad.”

Jason nodded. “Dad had to pay child support for me, so we never really lost touch. I mean I always knew his address and stuff. But Ben… I don’t think Dad really told him much about where we were or anything. I’m kind of surprised he thought to call me at all if you want to know the real truth.”

Kathryn was nodding just to keep him talking. He seemed to need to get the story out, and she wasn’t going to stop him.

“
When Dad came for our wedding, he said that Ben was real busy, but Ben said Dad never said anything to him about it. At least that’s what I got out of it. I don’t know. This is all just really confusing. I want to be the brother and the son, but I don’t know how to do that.”

“
Well, I don’t think it’s something you can just step into and know how to do. Being a family takes more than just blood. It’s sharing a history and knowing each other too. I mean there are families that come through here that are in a battle with each other. They are far more enemies than families. But every family is different. Every family has to find their own rhythm. Maybe that’s what you’re doing now, finding your own rhythm.”

“
Maybe.” Jason sat, thinking without really moving.

Kathryn thought about everything he had told her and his earlier idea of calling the church. “I don’t want this to sound too personal, but I’m curious, do you have God in your life? Is He important to you?”

Slowly Jason nodded. “My best friend back home was the youth minister’s son. I know all the stories about youth minister’s sons, but Ty was nothing like that. He got me through some really tough times. A lot like Kelly and Ben I’d guess. They brought me to the Lord when I was twelve, and God’s been in my life ever since.”

Without even looking, Kathryn saw the sticking point. “But Ben doesn’t agree.”

“
We haven’t really talked about it.” Jason shook his head. “I thought about bringing it up, but I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with him. I don’t know what is safe to talk about and what’s not.”

Kathryn knew the feeling.

“
It’s not that he’s a bad guy,” Jason continued. “He’s just…”

“
Closed,” Kathryn finished, and Jason nodded.

“
Yeah. I mean I know he’s scared. I am too. I know he’s dealing with a lot and I don’t want to make it any worse.”

“
But you don’t know how to have input without doing that.”

“
Kind of.”

“
Tell you what.” Kathryn turned and rummaged through the file folders lined in the slots on the side file cabinet. “Why don’t we…” She found the one she was looking for and rolled back. “… just look here and see where your dad went to church. Ah, here it is. St. Jude’s. Father Patrick. Oh, good. You’ll like Father Patrick.”

However, when she looked up, there was a definite tinge of fear in Jason’s eyes.

“
Is something wrong?”

“
Dad… Dad was… Catholic?”

She looked down to verify. “Looks like it.” Her gaze came back up to his. “Is that a problem?”

His face said it clearly was though he was now fighting to disguise his surprise. “Uh, no. Well, kind of. I mean I’m an evangelical Christian. I don’t know much about the Catholics.”

Kathryn fought not to laugh out loud. He looked downright terrified. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m Catholic.”

That surprised him even more. “You are?”

She bent her head. “And, this is a Catholic hospital.”

“
Oh.” He seemed to shrink.

“
We’re not so bad once you get to know us. I know we get kind of a bad rap sometimes, but…”

“
I… I didn’t mean.”

She smiled to settle his concern. “I know what you meant, and it’s okay. Trust me on this, you’re going to love Father Patrick. He is one of the best.”

Swallowing his trepidation, Jason nodded. “Do you think we should run this by Ben first?”

“
I’m ready if you are.”

Kelly had called to check on him. In a way that was nice, in another, it just reminded Ben how atrocious his own behavior had been when Tamitha’s mom had died. Certainly he had fumbled the ball big time on that one. As he sat there, berating himself for all of his shortcomings, the door snapped and Jason followed by Kathryn came into the room.

Quickly Ben sat up, feeling like there were 900 pounds of guilt and shame piled on top of him. “Good morning.” At least the greeting sounded almost human.

“
Morning,” Kathryn said. She stepped past Jason, and Ben got the impression they were about to double team him.

“
To what do I owe this honor?” He was being sarcastic, and it showed.

Gracefully she sat down on the chair, and he knew by the look in her eyes something was up. His gaze bounced up to Jason who wouldn’t even look at him. Yes, something was definitely up.

Before he could ask, she took a small breath.

“
I know this has not been easy on you, and Jason and I want to honor what you want, but we feel like it’s time to call in your dad’s minister.”

The words pushed Ben backward. “I… have no problem with that. I said that, right?” He looked up to Jason for confirmation.

“
Yeah.” But Jason still wasn’t really looking at him.