Coming Undone (34 page)

The funeral director prattled on about protocol and practicalities. Ben heard none of it. He only wanted to be the one walking with her. Why hadn’t he said something like that to her? Why hadn’t he invited her to sit with them? Okay, that would be over-the-top obvious, but his heart really didn’t care. All it cared about was that she wasn’t right there with him, in his arms, at his side. Everything else seemed ridiculous to even think about.

Kelly and his wife accompanied Kathryn right into the pew. She was thankful for their presence. After seeing Ben, she needed something normal and real to hold onto lest her heart talk her into doing something immensely stupid. The chapel was filling up around them. There were many she recognized from the medical community, and she was glad she hadn’t taken the bait of wanting to sit with Ben. Others might well get the wrong idea.

She shifted in her seat as the family walked in from the front. Her gaze dropped to her hands when he entered, but it couldn’t stay there. It flitted back up to his face, and she shifted again feeling what just looking at him did to her. Rolling her eyes to get herself to calm down and think rationally, she willed sensible over her. She was, after all, at a wake service. This was hardly the time to think about making a move on the deceased man’s son.

Ben had never been good at religious services. He fought not to squirm. The problem was there was nowhere to put his gaze that didn’t include a casket, flowers, or a body. Worse, there was nowhere to put his mind that didn’t include either death or her. That seemed the height of disrespect to be thinking about how good she looked and what she did to his heart while he was at his father’s wake service. Horrible. Yes, he was a horrible, rotten, awful human being.

He shifted before he realized he was moving. He was getting a headache. It started at the back of his neck and was now radiating up and over his brain in spasms so excruciating, he felt like he might throw up. As the woman who had read the short reading crossed in front of them, he smiled at her though he didn’t even really see her. What he wanted to do was reach up and rub the back of his neck, but he couldn’t do that. Instead, he squeezed his eyes closed and begged for this to be over quickly.

It occurred to him then that he was either begging someone who was real or the air. He closed his eyes, not in a squeeze but a sigh. He really didn’t want to have a philosophical debate with himself about the existence of God at the moment. Why couldn’t he just get through this without thinking? That would be a blessing.

Blessing.
Ugh. He almost moaned out loud. Quickly he put his elbow on the edge of the pew and rubbed his hand over his chin. Letting out a slow but shallow breath, he pulled his shoulders up. The whole service was going right over his head, streaming by without him even catching hold of any of it. Then again, due to the headache, that was probably better anyway. A rip of pain slashed upward through him, and a hard breath escaped. Jason looked over at him, but Ben just mashed his lips together, determined to get through this in one piece.

Then, like a creeping fog, the understanding of how alone he was in this place slipped over him. There were over a hundred people in the room, but he sat pressed up against the edge of the pew with a full-body of space between him and any other human being. That’s about how he felt in his spirit too. Totally alone. Like no one understood or wanted to be close to him. Maybe that’s why Kathryn hadn’t said more. Maybe she didn’t want to be close to him either. He couldn’t blame her really. He was hardly get close to material.

“
Amen,” the crowd said, and Ben snapped back from his thoughts into reality.

“
If you would like to view the body or speak to the family,” the funeral director said from the little pulpit, “please feel free to come forward at this time.”

Dread and exhaustion hit him like bricks. Why couldn’t they just go home? This was torture.

An elderly lady stepped up to speak with Jason and Holly. All Ben wanted to do was run. He definitely did not want to sit there, receiving people he didn’t even know and would never see again.

“
You must be Ben,” the lady said, stepping over to him.

Somehow he got rational snapped back over everything else as he held out his hand. “Yes. Thanks for coming.”

“
Oh, you are as handsome as your father always said you were.”

A flush of embarrassment heated over him.

“
I’m Mrs. O’Rorke. Your father tried to set you up with my granddaughter a couple years ago.”

Ben blinked at the statement, trying to remember. “Oh, yes,” he finally said because he had to say something.

“
But you had some trip already scheduled when she was coming into town.”

“
Yes. Yes.” He nodded as if he really remembered. “How is your granddaughter doing?”

“
She’s married now.”

“
Oh, really.” He smiled as if he was pleased and surprised by that.

“
A lawyer out of North Carolina. I guess you missed your chance.”

He laughed although he wasn’t at all sure why. “I guess so.”

There was a line forming behind Mrs. O’Rorke.

“
Thanks for coming,” he said. She said something he really didn’t hear and then she moved on. Glancing up at the line, his heart sank. He didn’t want to do this. He didn’t even know these people. One-by-one, they came by to give their condolences. Some stopped to tell him a longer memory of his father. Every one felt like an arrow to his heart, and he wasn’t at all sure how many more arrows he could withstand.

Waiting for the next person to finish talking with Jason, Ben put his hand on the back of his neck and let out a long, slow breath. The headache was getting worse.

“
Ben.” The soft voice behind him whirled him toward it. Like an angel alighting on earth, Kathryn stood there, leaning on her hands across the bench. “I’m sorry. Father Patrick is here. He stopped by on his way to the hospital. He needs to make sure he has everything you want for the funeral.”

“
What? Oh, y-yeah. Of course.” Ben was having trouble following anything. Life seemed to be circling around him. He looked back to the line which had diminished, and he reasoned that he didn’t know anyone left anyway, so he exited the bench and followed Kathryn to the side door where he found Father Patrick waiting just as she had said. That almost surprised him as one part of him had thought maybe she was just making an excuse to get him out of there. But then again, she wouldn’t do that because what would be the point? It wasn’t like they could escape together to some remote island and sip mix-drinks together…

He shook those thoughts away truly wondering where they had come from. It was like he had no control of any part of himself any more. “Father.” He put out his hand, thankful that he at least sounded semi-normal.

“
Ben. I’m so sorry about your dad. Please accept my condolences.”

“
Thank you.” He still wasn’t sure if that was right, but he hadn’t come up with anything better. “Uh, Kathryn said you needed to speak with me.” He had to clear his throat after saying her name because he glanced over at her as he did, and her beauty and compassion was on full display. Forcing his gaze away from her, he reanchored it on the good father.

“
Yes. I’m sorry to bother you, but I wanted to make sure I had everything for the funeral.” Father Patrick opened his little black book and proceeded down the checklist.

Ben wasn’t following much of anything. Looking at the list, he put his hand to the back of his head, wishing he had paid more attention in church. “Yeah, okay, that sounds good.” It was about all he could think to answer.

As she stood there, just off to the side, Kathryn watched him, and her alert system went on full-blaring blast. He was about two inches from the edge. Everything about him screamed, “I can’t take this anymore!” And she wasn’t at all sure that Father Patrick was helping.
Father God, please, bathe this moment in Your peace. Ben needs You, Lord. He needs You. Please be with him.

“
I think that’s everything I need,” Father Patrick finally said. “And again, I’m sorry for the interruption, but I have another anointing to get to at the hospital.”

“
Don’t worry about it.” Ben half-smiled as he offered his hand. “Thanks for everything. We’ll see you on Monday morning.”

He almost sounded like he was setting up a meeting or making a dentist appointment.

In minutes Father Patrick skirted out of the darkened back hallway, leaving them alone together. Kathryn’s gaze went to Ben who exhaled hard and long. He glanced at the doorway that would take him back to the front of the chapel. Then he looked over at her, his eyes sad and tired.

“
I guess I should get back.”

The smile broke her heart. “Yeah.”

But he didn’t move. Instead, he nodded and closed his eyes. The battle in his spirit was on full display.

Her heart screamed the question through her as logic screamed back not to say it. He needed to go. He didn’t need to be hanging out in dark hallways with her. Still, her spirit wouldn’t let her let him go. “How are you?”

His eyes said it all when he looked at her. Exhaustion. Overwhelm. Sorrow. “I’m fine.”

Kathryn nodded, wishing she had some kind of magic wand that would make it all better.
Help, God. Please. Help me help him. He’s hurting so much.
“You know, they have a smaller chapel down this way. I mean, I know you need to get back and everything, but later, if you need somewhere to decompress.”

When he looked up, there was the barest hint of a smile in his eyes. “Decompress? That would be a switch.”

“
Tell me about it. These things can take the legs out from under the best of us.”

He looked surprised. “I figured you’d be a pro at this.”

Sadly she shook her head. “It never gets easier. I’ve just learned to keep taking it to God, keep taking it to God, and when I think I can’t move another step, I take it back to God.”

Ben glanced at the door as thoughts streamed across his face. “I think they can handle it.” He reached over and snagged her hand in his. “What do you say we go find that chapel?”

For one full second Kathryn looked stunned, and then her soft smile, which he had grown to so love drifted onto her lips. “You don’t think they’ll miss you?”

“
Not anymore than usual.” He smiled because it seeped up from his heart. “Come on.”

Together, they turned down the hallway and crossed all the way past the intersection that led to the main lobby. At the little door, Kathryn stepped in front of him and pushed open the door. He followed, feeling lighter than he had in hours. The chapel could hardly be called that. It was more a room with a cross at the front and a few chairs. As he followed her in, Ben wondered at this cross. It was more like the others he had seen, with no statue on it.

She slipped into one of the chairs to the right, and he followed, sitting right next to her. His hand never let go of hers, and that settled him in ways he couldn’t really explain.

They sat like that for a few moments, not talking nor moving, and then Ben couldn’t take even the small distance between them anymore. Although they were ostensibly in church, he reached over and put his arm around her. She slid closer to him, though the chairs made that less comfortable than the pew in the other chapel.

Her gaze drifted up to him. “So, how are you doing, really?”

He looked down at her, sure she could read every word on his face. The breath was hard and sharp. “I’ve been better. All the people tonight. I mean, I’m glad they came and all, but…”

“
It’s overwhelming,” she finished for him when he didn’t.

“
Yeah. I’m not much of a big crowd kind of a guy, and I’m sure not much into hugging everybody in the place. I’m big on personal space.” He sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t even know what to say to people, you know? I mean, they come up, ‘Oh, Ben. I’m so sorry…’ and I don’t even know who they are. It’s like I’m the host of a party I didn’t throw.”

“
Well, for what it’s worth, you’re doing better than some I’ve seen.”

He angled his gaze down to her. “You’re kidding.” He’d thought he was in about as bad of shape as was possible.

“
Oh, no. I’ve seen people throw things at each other over who was going to carry what during the funeral. I’ve seen family members show up drunk and stoned. I’ve seen people argue over who was going to give the eulogy and which wife was going to sit where.”

He laughed softly at that. “Well, at least we don’t have
that
problem.”

Her side of the conversation went silent for a moment. “Does that bother you? That your mom’s not here?”

Ben shifted slightly under her, causing her to shift. “I don’t know. Yeah? No? I don’t even know how to answer that. I mean I haven’t seen her in so long, and when I talked to her on the phone the other day, it was like I was some salesman from Borneo trying to sell her coconuts from a banana tree. But then, part of me thinks she really should be here, as much for Jason’s sake as mine.”

“
Are you still mad at her?”

“
For what she did?”

“
Yeah.” Her hand drifted up and down his as it lay on his knee.

He wasn’t even sure how to answer that. He’d never talked about it with anyone. “I don’t know. I guess.” He shrugged. “It’s like she doesn’t even care, you know? Like we’re just little trophies on some shelf that she doesn’t want to play with anymore.”