Coming Undone (30 page)

As she thought through the situation, heaped with her own grief, she finally decided that she simply could not be objective enough about any of it to risk making that call. The last thing she wanted was to make him think she was chasing after him. Then it occurred to her that it was going to be hard to chase him anywhere since he was gone. Her heart fell at the thought of someone else occupying that room. How could she have been so blithe in their time together last night? Why hadn’t she made it a point to get up early, to be here for him—for them—this morning?

She hoped that Jason was at least there. The thought flitted through her mind that she could conceivably ask Misty how it all happened—who was here, who wasn’t. But that would surely tip off Misty that there was more to Kathryn’s interest in the situation than just that they were clients. Sitting at her desk, Kathryn picked up the phone for no real reason other than it was something to do.

At that moment there was a knock on the door and Clyde poked his bald head in. Instantly Kathryn put the phone up next to her shoulder.

“
Oh, good,” Clyde said. “You’re here.”

Kathryn fought to get the smile onto her face. “Where else would I be?”

“
I think this one,” Kelly said, coming out of the expanse of closet with a suit Ben wasn’t sure he’d ever seen.

“
That’s really nice,” Holly said when neither of the brothers offered an opinion. She looked to her husband who looked as shell-shocked as Ben felt. The introductions had been fast and only slightly awkward outside of the hospice unit. Holly was nice enough although Ben was still trying to get used to the idea of having a sister-in-law.

Jason shrugged. “It’s fine with me.”

They all looked to Ben who hadn’t realized he would be consulted. He put his hand up on his head and rubbed there wondering where the reality-numbing headache had come from. “Oh, yeah. Yeah. It’s… It’s… fine.” The absurdity of the word that finished that sentence knocked into his heart.
Fine? Appropriate? Great? Fantastic?
Fine was going to have to do.

“
Okay.” Kelly flipped the suit over his arm. “I guess we should go on to the funeral home then.”

Eating wasn’t exactly on Kathryn’s most important things to do list at the moment. Her stomach was in one big constant knot. But when the clock said 1:15, she knew if she didn’t go eat, she was going to get a monstrous headache. She didn’t slow down as she walked past the front counter. “I’m going to lunch. I’ll be back.”

Misty’s sympathetic gaze traveled with her. “Okay.”

“
This one is nice.” Holly was trying to be helpful. Ben couldn’t fault her that, but standing in a room with half a hundred open coffins was just not a place he thought he would ever be. They were in every color—blue, a purplish-pink, black, brown. Somehow he’d never considered the fact that there would be a selection.

“
That particular one is 10,000,” the funeral director said.

“
Dollars?” Jason asked with a gulp.

“
Yes, sir.”

Wide-eyed, Jason looked to Ben for some decision, but Ben had no clue. What could they spend on a casket? What could they spend on anything? Yes, they had looked at some of the finances, but without the whole picture, guesses of what was and what might be were only shots in the dark at best.

“
Um,” Ben stumbled for words as he rubbed over his jaw, which he realized hadn’t been shaved in more days than he had could remember at the moment. “Could we see some others in a little lower price-range?”

“
Certainly, sir. We have a wide variety. We even have some with the logos of sports teams if that would be appropriate.”

Tired pounced on Ben and he put his hands into his back pockets. Nothing seemed appropriate at this particular moment. “Um, no. I don’t think we want any logos, just something nice that’s not going to send anyone into major debt.”

The man nodded, but it was a condescending nod. “I see. Then you would want to visit the room over here where we have our more modest line.”

“
Yes,” Ben said, matching the man’s condescension, “I think we’d like to see the modest line.”

For some reason Kathryn’s shoulders simply wouldn’t lift higher than her heart. In the cafeteria, she sat hunched over her salad. She wasn’t really eating it, more picking at it with her fork. Her heart hurt. Her stomach hurt more. It was like it was filled with a grief she couldn’t fully comprehend. She’d lost patients before. In fact, that was kind of the point of her job, and yet… yet… this one felt so very, very different for reasons she wouldn’t even admit to herself.

“
Really? You’re in sales?” The voice from two tables over carried to her with no obstacles, and she looked up in recognition.

However, her heart fell like a rock plummeting off the steep side of the Niagara when her gaze caught on the speaker. Dr. Martin. And he wasn’t alone. Kathryn wanted to disappear through the floor, but the best she could do was to hunch further over her salad.

The young lady with Dr. Martin looked right out of high school. True that was probably Kathryn’s jealousy talking, but still, the girl couldn’t have been 25. She was now giggling at something he said. With a roll of her eyes, Kathryn decided she really didn’t need the in-your-face reminder that her life was a completely deplorable wreck.

Swiping up her tray, which she hadn’t bothered to empty, she skirted the other tables and dumped the whole thing into the trash. The meal had done nothing for her stomach or her mood. She stalked back to the unit, determined now more than ever to have a thoroughly rotten day.

“
Parents,” the funeral director said, glancing at Jason and Ben over his reading glasses.

“
Uh.” Ben shifted forward in the chair. “Our parents?”

“
No, sir. Your father’s parents’ names. We will need it for the official records.”

“
Oh. Uh.” Ben looked to Jason who was clearly not stepping up to help. “Um. Gertrude.” He tested that name in his brain. Yes. That was right. “And Gregory Warren.”

“
Mother’s maiden name.”

Opening his eyes wide as if that would help him remember, Ben searched through the files in his brain. “Val…” He cleared his throat, still testing the name with his brain. “Valadine.”

“
Spelling?”

Everyone in the room was looking at him. He had no answers. It was all a not-very-well choreographed act. “V…”

“
So, are you ready for your date tonight?” Misty asked when they were in the supply room. Misty was counting sponges and shampoo; Kathryn was counting brochures. At least that’s what she was supposed to be doing. But she kept getting hung up somewhere between 23 and I-don’t-want-to-do-this.

“
I guess.” Holding one stack that she had counted twice with no real clue how many were in her hand, she bent into the task of trying to figure out which brochure on the list these were.

“
Wow. Don’t sound so enthusiastic. You might bowl him over.”

“
Sorry. I’m just a little frazzled right now. I’ve got to get this done, and then we’ve got a new patient coming from oncology. I need to have the family packet prepared, and they’ll be here in like ten minutes.” She looked at her watch. “Eight minutes.”

“
Oh, you know, they don’t ever get here when they say they’re going to.”

She put the brochures back on the metal shelf. “Yeah, but the way my luck’s going today, they’ll be early.” With that she headed to the door. “Be good.”

“
Back at you.”

“
We really should stop somewhere and get something to eat,” Kelly said as they drove out of the funeral home parking lot. “Then I can take you back to your car.”

Jason and Holly had gone in the rental she had gotten at the airport, which was just as well. At least this way Ben didn’t have to worry about how badly he was failing in the big brother column.

Kelly looked across at Ben with sympathy. “How you doing?”

Ben wanted to lie, but he didn’t have the strength. Instead he just shook his head and let out a long sigh. “That was the worst thing I’ve ever had to do.”

“
It’ll get better.”

“
When?”

“
Well, not soon, but it will. Trust me.”

It would’ve been nice to believe that, but Ben had been down this absurd rabbit hole for so long, he no longer believed in any other kind of existence.

The sinking feeling hit with both fists when Kathryn stepped into the room at the end of the hall. Her mind still remembered him being there—sitting on the couch, sitting on the floor. But now there was someone else in the bed. A lady with sparse white hair. A tall thin elderly gentleman turned from his vigil by the bed when Kathryn stepped in.

He tried to smile, but there were tears in his eyes as he did so.

“
Mr. Davis. I’m Kathryn Walker with the hospice social services.”

“
Oh, hello, Ms. Walker.” He extended a very thin, vein-laced hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“
Nice to meet you.” She shook his hand and then held up the little brochures she had brought. “We didn’t get a chance to get these put out before your wife’s arrival. Feel free to look them over, take them home, whatever you want.” She walked over to the nightstand and had a heart snag when she remembered the letter lying there the night before. Would she ever see Ben again?

Pushing that down, she turned. “We have many services available to you and your family.”

“
Go home,” Kelly said as they sat in the hospice parking lot an hour later. He was worried about Ben. Ben was worried too. Nothing felt real. Nothing felt like it made any sense at all. He wasn’t even sure that his dad had gotten the worse end of the deal. “Get some sleep. I’ll give you a call tomorrow, and we can be at the funeral home when you go.”

Slowly Ben nodded though he wasn’t sure why. After a moment, Kelly put his hand over onto his friend’s shoulder. “We’re here for you, okay?”

Again Ben nodded, but his gaze stayed on his shoes. Tired grief mixed in his soul so that he wasn’t sure if he would go to sleep or cry first. “Thanks.”

So many things about so many things made absolutely no sense in life, and it was getting worse. Kathryn could feel everything closing in on her. She knew that feeling well, and only one place could come close to soothing her battered soul when she stared into the throes of depression. At the door of the chapel, she pushed in, and although she knew it was akin to running from the problems, it still felt good to go somewhere that had a chance of making something better.

Without a noise, she walked down the side aisle all the way to the front and slid into a bench. Sitting was too arduous, so she bent and pulled out the little kneeler. Carefully, slowly, she slipped down all the way onto it. Her eyes closed as anger, frustration, and despair wrapped around her.

“
God,” she whispered, but she choked on the word as tears slipped into her eyes. “I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I don’t. I just wanted to help. You know that, but I’m no good to anyone if I’m such a mess all the time. I feel so out of control. Please, help me, Lord. Please. I just want to quit, but I feel like I’m letting You down if I do that. I’m so confused, Lord. I’m just so confused.”

Ben walked to his car and got in, watching as Kelly pulled out of the parking lot. The exhale took the last of his strength from him. It was a 20 minute drive to his apartment, but he felt like he didn’t have the energy to move 2 inches. He reached down for the key, but his gaze snagged on the little building protruding from the monstrosity of the hospital beyond. That little building. In a strange way it had become home. He smiled a wistful, sad smile that he wouldn’t have need of going in there anymore, and he shook his head.

A thought split through all the others, and he stopped completely. No. That was crazy. She wasn’t there, and even if she was, she wouldn’t want to see him. He wasn’t her client anymore. Still, he didn’t move. He couldn’t. It was as if he was frozen there in time—somewhere between what used to be and what now was. His heart said to go see. His head said she was already busy with new patients.

Finally, forcing himself not to think about what he was doing, he turned the keys and yanked them from the ignition. It wouldn’t hurt to just check.

There was no real way of knowing how long she had been on her knees—not long enough to find any peace that was for sure. Her soul was still caught in the effects of the wind and the rain that pelted her from every direction though they had finally cleared from the sky a day early. The storm in her hadn’t subsided. If anything, it had intensified. What good was she to anyone in her life? Her mother thought her a failure. Her best friend had chastised her about the upcoming date that truth-be-told she had no desire to go on. Dr. Martin had no real interest in her beyond a day or two of flirting, and she’d probably misread even that. It felt as if her whole life was out of kilter, and she had no way of putting it back on course. She was too tired to fight anymore, too tired to even convince herself that it could get better. All she wanted to do was give up and quit for good. The only thing stopping her was the whisper that if she did, Satan would finally have won.