Coming Undone (25 page)

“
Uh, yep.” He held it up. “And proud of it thank you very much.” His gaze fell, and twirling spaghetti, he looked only at his plate. “No, I’m one of those non-hero types. Trust me on that one.”

She couldn’t help it. Her gaze jerked up to him so quickly she felt the jolt.

“
Marriage is definitely not for me.” He only glanced up once as he picked up the spaghetti on his fork. Then he smiled at her like the Cheshire Cat. “I’m having way too much fun being single.” Stuffing the forkful into his mouth, he chewed, and something about the way he did so made her want to smack him. “I’ve got a nice apartment, a nice car. I can go out when I want, come in when I want. I don’t have to answer to anybody. Why would I want a wife?”

Suddenly Kathryn felt more alone than she had in a long time. “I don’t know.” The plate in front of her snagged her gaze. “So someone could hold you on rainy nights when it’s cold or you’ve had a rough day. So you could have someone to talk to who understands and really cares.” Her gaze came up to his but then fell again. “But maybe that’s all just a nice fantasy.” She sighed and cut into the last two bites of her chicken. It was something to do. “I see the other couples, you know, the ones who have been in love and who are screaming at each other and hurting each other now, and it just tears me up that they don’t see how lucky they are.”

The soft almost pleading of her words touched some long-forgotten space inside Ben. He felt it, and it took him completely by surprise. Quickly he disregarded it, pushing it away from his heart and his consciousness. “Yeah, well, people are people. The best thing to do is to remember that going in so you don’t get your hopes up.” He hadn’t meant it to sound bitter, but it did even to him. He reached over and took a long drink of his water because he wasn’t going to apologize for saying the truth although he felt like he should.

Her gaze still down, Kathryn nodded. “I guess with your parents and all that it had to have been pretty rough.”

Shock smashed into him, and his face fell into a scowl.

“
You told me some. Jason filled in a little more.” She looked up at him, and there was only a deep, deep sadness in her eyes. “Some of it anyway. He said he went with your mom, and you decided to stay with your dad.”

Hard hate for the details of his miserable life being aired for everyone to see slapped into his spirit. “Yeah? Well, Jason should learn to keep his mouth shut.”

Her gaze fell to her plate, and after a moment, she pitched her fork there making it clang against the plate. Sad and contrite, Kathryn looked up at him. “I’m sorry. That was way out of line. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

Closing his eyes for a moment to squelch the pain, Ben took a breath. “No.” When he looked at her again, he could see how deeply the error had mortified her, and knowing her, that didn’t surprise him at all. “It’s not you. I shouldn’t be so crazy about all of this. I’m sorry.” The lion of anger inside him stood down. “I know you were just doing your job.”

“
Yeah, not very well.”

Compassion for the difficult lines she walked daily brushed past him. It was time to change the subject although only slightly. “It must be tough listening to sob stories all day.”

Her smile brought up only one side of her mouth. “I don’t mind. People need to be able to get stuff out. If they don’t, wounds don’t heal, and if they don’t heal now, they might never get the chance.”

“
Still it’s gotta be tough. I don’t know how you do it.” He lifted his eyebrows as he played with the spaghetti left on his plate. “I couldn’t do it. That’s for sure.”

After a moment, she shrugged with only one shoulder and ran her finger over her glass. “Sometimes I wonder if I can.” She let out a long sigh, and her eyes fell closed. Shadows of deep pain slipped across her face like gray clouds filled with wind and rain.

At first he thought she would say more. Instead she shook her head and looked out across the cafeteria.

Worry for what she wasn’t saying crossed over his heart. “But you’re so good at it.” He knew the words wouldn’t help, but he had to say them just the same. She had to know what she meant to them, and if she didn’t, he wanted her to know.

“
I wouldn’t know about that. Half the time I have no clue what I’m doing and the other half I’m just hoping nobody figures out I have no clue.”

That surprised him. He sat back, letting his fork rest next to his plate as he studied her. “I don’t understand. You always know what to say, what to do.”

She laughed softly as her gaze shot back across the room. “Hardly. I’ve just gotten real good at walking on faith rather than sight.”

At one time he wouldn’t even have asked. Now it felt like he had to. “That’s one of those God-things, huh?”

“
Yeah.” She let her eyes go wide as she took in a long breath and then released it in a rush. “I guess it is.”

Ben watched her for a long moment, seeing things he hadn’t bothered to see before now. “You look tired.”

Her gaze came to him then as her shoulders slumped. “Do I?”

“
Yeah.” He considered the question as she looked back down, and he wondered if it was his place. Still she had done so much for him, he wanted to pay her back even if it didn’t fix everything. “Want to talk about it?”

Kathryn’s heart panged forward. She knew what the answer to that question should be. More than that, she’d never really talked about her job with anyone not connected to it in some way. What could she say, and what was off-limits? She considered changing the subject, but nowhere in her brain could she find any other topic. Finally she sighed. “Sometimes I just feel so inadequate.”

Her mind traced backward through the rain and the day, and there were plenty of examples. “Like today, these two beautiful young ladies buried their great-grandmother. She was the one who had taken them in when tragedy struck, and now she’s gone too. I mean, what do you say to them? What good does, ‘I’m sorry’ do? Did anything I did even make a difference?”

Overwhelm was coming to the surface, and every onslaught hurt. “And I know that the next couple of weeks will be so hard for them.” The center of her heart ached with the futility of everything. “I always think I’m going to remember and pray for them, but somehow I forget. I forget their names and their faces. I forget how long it’s been since they were here. I’ve finally started just saying general prayers for all of them because I’ve forgotten so many that I thought I never would. And I feel bad about that. I mean I want to love them all, and I do. And I know… I know that God isn’t mad at me for not being able to love them like He does, but I still feel bad about it.”

When she finally stopped talking, the gaping chasm left in the conversation screamed that she had said too much. What was he supposed to say to that anyway? She wouldn’t know what to say to that, how did she expect him to know? He just sat there, staring at his plate, and even through her own tears, Kathryn berated herself for dumping her life on him. That wasn’t fair. Not now. Not ever.

“
I’m sorry,” she finally said, sensing she’d made him really uncomfortable. “This isn’t your problem. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“
No. That’s not it.” For one second, he glanced up, and his eyes were filled with words she couldn’t decipher, but then his gaze fell back to his plate. “It’s just…” A moment and then another and his gaze came up to hers. As hard as she tried, she still couldn’t read the words written there. “You have to know I never would’ve made it through this without you.”

She brushed off the compliment. “You would have.”

But he shook his head. “No. I don’t think so. Everything is so… crazy. Half the time I feel like I’m going to outright lose my mind. The rest of the time I can tell I’m spinning that direction, and I have no idea how to make it stop. The thoughts are just… overwhelming.”

Kathryn nodded. “Boy do I know how that is. Why do you think I spend so much time in the chapel?” It was supposed to be a joke, but he didn’t laugh.

When he looked at her, it was with sincere hope. “So does that really work?”

“
Better than anything I’ve ever found. It doesn’t take away all the pain. That’s still there. It’s just that God is the only place I know to go with it. He probably gets tired of hearing from me.” She laughed at that and then fell into seriousness. “No. I know He doesn’t. Thank goodness because I can be really obnoxious sometimes.”

“
Obnoxious? I wouldn’t say that.” He looked at her with eyes that melted her insides. Although she could hardly hold his gaze, she couldn’t break the spell he had her under either. Then he leaned back casually without ever breaking the connection. “I think beautiful would be a better word.”

Utter disbelief dropped over her. She ducked and pushed a stray piece of hair over her ear. “Oh, yeah. Right. Now I think you’re delirious.”

But he did not laugh. A long moment and he leaned toward her. Serious was the only emotion on his face. He put his elbows on the table and laced his fingers together in front of him as he continued to survey her. Everything in her suddenly felt shaky and uncertain. Why was he looking at her like that?

“
Honest,” he said softly. “It’s called being honest.”

Not sure if it was because of where they were or the context of the situation or just that she wasn’t at all sure what to make of any of it, Kathryn exhaled hard and looked at her watch. “Wow. We’d probably better go. I didn’t realize it was getting so late.”

“
Oh, yeah.” He moved to stand but slowly, and he hadn’t quit looking at her either. “I’m sure you’re ready to get on home.”

She tried not to think about the loneliness of home. “Yeah.”

They walked slowly side-by-side back to the room. Ben had his hand in his pocket lest it betray him and reach out to her. Yes, some of it was the kindness she had displayed to him and his family over the past couple of days, but it was more than that. At least one part of him said it was more. Then again, things were so very off-kilter, he couldn’t be sure of anything at the moment.

“
I can’t believe it’s still raining,” Kathryn said as they walked down the long hallway, and he felt her voice in his heart. “I was hoping they were kidding about this lasting.”

She still seemed so quiet and sad. Ben wanted to do something to change that, but when he opened the hospice door, he realized how few options he had in that regard. In minutes she would be gone. Nothing in him wanted to let her go.

“
So Jason’s wife is coming.”

He didn’t like how she could sound so very proper like that. It reminded him in colors far too vivid that she was just doing her job. Worse, she seemed to have gremlins telling her all of his secrets. That scared him far more than he wanted to admit. He realized that the two issues were on opposite sides of the spectrum, and he couldn’t logically fault her for both, but he couldn’t quite figure out how to stop his spirit from analyzing and re-analyzing everything she said either.

“
Yeah, I guess so.” He knew he didn’t sound overly happy about that. The truth was he was almost to the point of not being able to feel anything that made any sense.

“
You’ve never met her then?” Each word was slower and more drawn out so that they hardly seemed connected.

“
No.” At the door, he opened it and pushed it for her to enter. When she past in front of him, he knew he needed to break this attraction. It was getting harder to ignore.

In the room he focused only on her moving before him as he put both hands in his pockets. Beautiful. She was so very beautiful. And now, she was by the chair, picking up her things. Leaving. She was leaving. His breath lodged in the top of his chest and refused to move from that spot. It scrambled the thoughts in his head, making them completely unintelligible.

“
Um, you know.” He scratched his head, hoping he didn’t sound as desperate as he suddenly felt. “Father Patrick left us this little booklet thing about the… service.” Lands, what was he doing? He should let her go. That was best for both of them. Still his spirit was flying forward with a crazy recklessness he couldn’t quite take hold of.

When she turned to face him, logic scattered in all directions. The little light behind her made the strands of her soft blonde hair look like they were glowing.

“
Um, I don’t really know much about these things. I’m just… I mean I know you need to get home and everything.” Like a pinball spiraling around, he reached up and slid his hand over his hair as his feet shifted. Then with great effort, he corralled his ricocheting spirit. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t…”

“
No.” She was looking at him with pity in her eyes, but now he was just absurdly grateful she was looking at him at all. “Don’t apologize. I know how difficult these things can be.”

“
I… I would ask Jason, but he’s kind of…”

“
Not sure about the Catholic thing?”

His nerves began to relax. “So you noticed that too, huh?”

“
Would’ve been hard not to.” Kathryn laid her things to the side of the chair, and for the moment he could breathe again.

However, concern that someone close to him had made her feel uncomfortable surged on him. “Did he… Did he say something?”

She straightened, and her hand pulled down her blouse to straighten it as well. “Nothing I haven’t heard before. It’s all right. Really. I’m used to it. You would be surprised how many people think Catholics aren’t Christian or are some kind of a cult, and all kinds of weird stuff I won’t even go into.”