Coming Undone (28 page)

“
I can’t explain that anymore than I can tell you why we’re standing here right now, but I believe that the person who is transitioning has an awareness of the plan that we just don’t. Trying to control that plan or to figure it out is next to impossible. It’s much better to just let go and surrender to the process.”

“
Transitioning. Is that what you call it?”

“
If I believed that this was the end, that this was all there was, I couldn’t do this job. It would be too hard. But I don’t believe that. I choose to believe that death is a transition into a different type of existence.”

“
Like a ghost?”

“
Like into who we really are. Into the love we really are.”

Strangely Ben didn’t protest or even raise the question. Instead, he looked down at his father and smiled ever-so-gently. “He’s going to be okay then.”

“
Yeah. He will.”

As they stood at the bed together, Kathryn’s gaze went up to Ben. He was a good guy with a gentle heart. Sure, he was confused on some points, but she couldn’t fault him for something she was guilty of herself. He turned then and looked down at her, and her heart snagged on the ocean-colored eyes.

“
Thank you,” he said, and there were no tears, no fear, only sincerity all the way to the bottom of his gaze.

She smiled, sensing her mission had been accomplished. “You’re welcome.” For one more moment she held onto the feeling of being with him. Then her rational side took over, and she glanced back to the chair. “I guess I should be going. I don’t want to keep you up all night.”

In that instant panic enveloped Ben, not because he didn’t want to be left alone but because he really didn’t want her to leave. “Oh.” His gaze slipped over to where hers was looking. “I… Yeah… I guess so.” Then as she stepped to the chair, his gaze fell on the envelope on the end table. He stepped over and picked it up, knowing it was unfair to her to keep her, but something in him said when she walked out that door, he might never see her again.

“
Um. I know you need to go home,” he said as he turned the envelope over and over in his fingers. “But I… Um.” His heart was hammering in his chest, and he had no way to know just why. Lifting his gaze, he found her soft, compassionate gaze trained on him.

Without comment, she nodded and sat in the chair. He understood the message perfectly and let his knees lower him onto the couch. Once down, he knew what should come next but he couldn’t get himself to make the next move.

“
Um.” His gaze stayed on the envelope. “I don’t…” Emotions started colliding once again. He tried to breathe them down, but the breath came out in ragged jerks. “I’m not sure…”

Gently, she reached over and touched his hand, the gesture and contact jolted through him like an electric shock to his soul.

“
It’s okay,” she said. “Really.”

It was like a super-conductor had set off explosions in him, and he had no idea how to get them to stop. Looking up at her, he found only strength and peace in her eyes, and he nodded, understanding what she didn’t say. Feeling the couch to be too difficult to continue sitting on, he slid all the way onto the floor and crossed his legs. Gracefully, she followed him, and he fought not to notice the soft curve of her leg and the gentle peace of her presence next to him. They snagged his breath and refused to let go.

He fought to remember how they had gotten here and where they were supposed to go. The clock was crawling back up toward midnight, and somewhere far outside his consciousness he heard the rain still pattering on the window. Still this moment seemed designed just for the two of them—no outside interference whatsoever.

Ben exhaled hard and looked at her. “I almost don’t want to open it.” His gaze fell to the envelope. “It’s like this is it. The last thing he will ever say to me.”

Then, though he had no explanation for it, she smiled with a mystery behind it that captivated him. “No, it’s not.”

Everything else slipped away from him. “What does that mean?”

She tipped her head and shrugged. “You might be surprised how he will find ways to talk to you. It won’t be the same exactly, but you’ll know he’s still here.”

He couldn’t quite understand what she was saying, but he had no question that she meant it to the depths of her being. “So this isn’t the end?”

Slowly she shook her head. “It’s only the beginning.”

There was no way to really ask what she meant, and in a strange way, he knew what she meant. He turned the envelope over once more. “It’s time, huh?”

“
Only if you’re ready.”

A half nod and then a full one coupled with a breath. “It’s time.” His hands came together, his elbows resting on his knees. It wasn’t difficult to open, not nearly as difficult as he had thought it would be. In seconds the envelope fell away, and he took one more breath, opened the tri-fold, and put his hand, wrist up to his lips. It was a sure bet he would need the help keeping the emotions under control.

Kathryn sat, watching him without words. He laughed softly at something in the letter, and she wondered what it said. But this was his letter, his moment, and she knew not to intrude. Instead, she let her gaze fall to her hands on her skirt and a prayer went through her—a silent prayer for him. She wasn’t even sure what words went with the prayer, only that she felt it all the way through her.

“
Huh.” Ben laughed softly, smiled, and shook his head. He looked over at her, and her heart flipped.

Suddenly her breath vanished, and she felt like she was falling far and fast with no way to stop.

“
Want to read it?” he asked, and she had no idea how to answer that question.

“
I don’t…”

“
No.” The word was soft. He turned the paper over to her. “I think you should.”

Not understanding, she took the paper he held out to her. “Okay.”

She was intensely aware of him watching her even as she bent over the paper. Reading what was in his eyes was as impossible as reading what was on the paper in the dim light. Pushing his gaze from her consciousness, she adjusted herself so she could make out the handwriting. It was in a script that would take all of her deciphering ability to read.

Dear Ben,

Since you’re reading this, I guess the end has definitely come. Please don’t be worried about me. I’ve known this was coming for some time, and I’m okay with it. I know God’s love has a plan for me even after I leave this earth. Much of me is excited to start the next chapter. It will surely be an adventure. The only thing that concerns me is you and how alone my departure will leave you. That’s why I’ve made some extra special requests of God, and He has assured me that He has a plan for you as well. I wish I could be there to see what those plans are, but rest assured I will be checking in periodically, so enjoy what is coming into your life. It, too, will be a grand adventure.

If you will indulge your dad in giving one more little piece of advice, I’d like to tell you from one who has been where you are: Do not take the good things for granted. There is a plan, but if you get too caught up in your stuff and doing things your way, you will miss the blessings God is sending. Unfortunately, I did that with your mother, and I almost did it with you. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for being so selfish and for aiming at the wrong goals for so long. I messed a lot of things up in your life, but I hope I got a few things right, too. Please let the good outweigh the bad in your heart, and know that I tried the best I knew how.

Regardless, do not let my mistakes hold you back from living the life God has worked out for you now. He loves you—of that much I am perfectly sure. We’ve had many, many conversations over you—me and your Heavenly Father. He loves you even more than I, which I still find difficult to believe, but I know it to be true. I know you don’t buy into religion and all of that, but I hope that will change for you as it did for me. God brought me through, Ben, and He can do the same for you if you will let Him.

See, I told you this would be a lecture, and you’ve heard too many from me already. So I will close now, not because this is the end, but because it’s time to step into the next chapter. Ben, I want you to know that you are and always were an awesome son. I have been so proud to call you my son, and I would never have traded even a moment we had together. I look forward to the ones we will share on the other side.

For now, last piece of advice, I promise: Make the right things important, don’t settle for pleasure when true happiness is possible, and always love like there is no tomorrow. You will never be sorry for it.

Goodbye for now.

Love,

Dad

When Kathryn looked up, the tears streaming from her eyes were reflected on the ones he was wiping from his own.

“
I think he knew,” Ben said, his words so soft they hardly found the air.

“
I think he loved you very much.”

Ben nodded. “Yeah. He did.”

Looking at her, Ben had the feeling that his father had known far more than just his love for his son. “A grand adventure.” He let out a breath. “And here I thought we just lived.”

“
Maybe living means something more than just existing.”

He nodded, sniffing although the tears had faded into numbed exhaustion. “Maybe so.” A moment and he forced himself to look down at his watch. “Oh, man. You’d better get home. I’ve kept you…” He reached back to the couch to pull himself up. However, her hand stopped him, and on his knee, he stopped.

“
It’s probably not my place, but I have to say, your dad was a very smart man. I see too many people come through here who have made the wrong things important.” She stopped and let her gaze fall. “I guess what I’m saying is… I want you to know… Being here, with you… tonight…” Her words faded out into silence, and it was clear she didn’t know how to finish that thought.

Ben pushed all the way to standing and then put his hand down for her. It was the most natural thing in the world to feel her hand in his, and his heart began asking just how much his father had prayed. In seconds she was standing there, just inches from him. Kissing her was wrong though that’s what he wanted to do. Instead, he stepped over to her and wrapped her in his arms.

“
Thank you so much for being here,” he said, and his whole body felt the mesh of his spirit with hers. It went through him, all the way to his toes, and he closed his eyes to savor the feeling. He had never felt so not alone.

Next to him, she sniffed, and he felt her tightened her grip around his waist once more. “Will you be okay?”

“
Yeah.” He nodded, knowing now it was the truth. Gently he rubbed his hands up and down her back, reluctant to let her go, but knowing she needed to get home. A moment more and he backed up, holding her arms in his hands, wishing she wasn’t leaving. “Will you be back tomorrow?”

A glint shot through her eyes. “It is tomorrow.”

He laughed. “Good point.” With that, he let go of her, grabbed up her jacket and belongings, and helped her get ready. “How far is it home?”

“
Thirty minutes. Not that bad.”

His spirit tugged on him that sending her now might not be safe. “Will you be okay… driving?”

She resettled the jacket on her shoulders and retrieved her purse from him before picking up the rest of her things. “I’ll be fine.” When she caught his worried look, she smiled. “I promise.”

It took him a long moment to get himself to be okay with that answer. “Do you want to call me when you get home?”

“
I’ll be fine.”

“
I know you will, but I want to make sure.”

She smiled. “Okay.”

Kathryn walked through the quiet hospice unit. No one was around, and she was glad for that. Her head was spinning so badly, she couldn’t decide how bad it would be for anyone to see her. She decided it was better to not have to worry about the question. Outside the rain had settled into a soft drizzle, and she ran to her car, her keys out and ready. She slipped into the car, brushing the memories back. Could it have been real?

In one way it felt like a dream. In another, it was the most real she had ever felt. She started the car and pulled out into traffic. As she drove, her heart replayed the time with him over and over. One part of her tried to remind her that he was a client nothing more. But there were whole sections of her that wanted nothing more than to forget that detail.

Him, sitting in the dim light. Him, reading the letter. Him, holding her. That one snagged her breath. She could still feel his arms around her. Strong and safe—they felt like Heaven. In her purse on the other seat her cell phone beeped, and she looked at the digital numbers on the clock in surprise. 1:13.

Knowing slipped into her spirit as she dug for the phone with one hand. She pulled it out and beeped it on. “This is Kathryn.”

“
Well, what a coincidence. I just called Kathryn.” Ben’s voice sounded like tinkling bells. It was difficult to remember he was sitting in a hospice unit with death itself closing in.

“
Well, that is a coincidence.” She shook back her hair and fought the laugh. “What are you calling me for? I thought I was supposed to call you.”