Coming Undone (37 page)

In twelve hours they would all be back to their own lives, no longer connected by the tragedy that was now over.

“
Is something wrong with your manicotti, sir?” the waiter asked, stepping up behind him.

“
What?” Ben spun, taken off-guard. He looked down at his barely touched food. “Oh, no. I guess I wasn’t as hungry as I thought.”

He felt the concerned looks from the others at the table. Even Holly who had been preoccupied with keeping marinara off of Ryley’s dress for most of the meal looked over at him. He smiled at all of them and shrugged. “I guess I’m not used to eating at two in the afternoon.”

“
Are you going to break for lunch?” Misty asked, standing at Kathryn’s door.

“
Oh, I ate something on the way over.” She barely looked up from the paperwork, hoping her stomach wouldn’t give the lie away.

“
I could bring you something back.”

“
No. Really. I’m fine.”

“
So,” Jason said, standing outside of the restaurant. He turned to Ben who could hardly take the relentlessness of the heartaches being thrown at him like debris in a hurricane.

“
So.” Ben turned, determined to not make his last minutes with his brother some kind of weep-fest. He put out his hand, and Jason shook it. “Don’t be a stranger. You know where we live now.”

“
Yeah.”

“
And I’ll be in touch with you once we get the whole estate thing pinned down.”

Jason half-smiled and half-nodded. “Okay.”

As long as he could swim in the details, Ben convinced himself he would be fine. “I don’t think it should take more than a month or so to go through everything. If you want something in particular…”

“
No. Just whatever.”

Ben nodded. Then sensing he couldn’t take a second more of that conversation, he turned to Holly. “You take care of yourself, you hear me. And this little one and this little one too.” He reached over and slid his hand over Ryley’s curls, the feel of which brought the vision of Kathryn holding her in that graveyard rushing back. He could hardly keep the onslaught of emotions from surfacing. “Have a safe trip back.”

“
We will.”

Again Ben nodded, feeling like he was on display for the whole entire world to see. “Well, I’d better be getting home.” He reached over and shook Kelly’s hand, feeling like he was abandoning his own responsibilities to his friend. But what was new there?

“
Take care of yourself,” Kelly said, and it sounded like a warning.

“
Oh, you know me.”

“
Yeah, I do.” And that didn’t sound like a good thing.

Ben stepped backward away from them, hoping he wouldn’t fall. “See you guys later.” He lifted his hand and then ran it over his head as he turned for his car. It felt like lasers going through him. He knew they were watching, but what did they want from him? He couldn’t stay and babysit all night. Besides they were going to leave at some point. He was doing them all a favor, getting it over with sooner rather than later.

Down the block, he crawled into his car and revved the engine. Back to real life. Finally. He couldn’t have been happier to be back.

Jason and Holly were gone. Ben had gotten that much from the call from Kelly on Thursday. Kelly called him, not the other way around. The truth was for all the show he put on for the rest of the world, Ben was hanging on by a thin thread. He went to work, even made some sales. He came home and dragged a beer out of the refrigerator. That was the only thing left.

One part of him tried to remember the last time he’d eaten, but that took too much energy so he abandoned the search. He considered going out, but the question of where he would even go kept him glued to the couch. Besides, he couldn’t think of anyone who would agree to meet him “out” wherever anyway.

So he sat on his couch, staring at the TV that he didn’t have the energy to turn on, sipping a beer he didn’t taste. Life was wonderful.

“
I am so ready to be out of here,” Misty said, the next Friday. “I can’t wait.”

“
So what time’s your flight out?” Kathryn had learned that short bits of very focused conversation were the only things that kept her from thinking about the pathetic state of her life and heart. She had seen Dr. Martin in the cafeteria with yet another blonde who might or might not have a connection with the hospital. Nathan hadn’t called. And even the guy two rows down had skipped church on Sunday.

The one guy she really wanted to think about, she made herself not. It just hurt too much. One small piece of her had hoped he would call, but he hadn’t. That was more than enough evidence to demonstrate that he hadn’t been anything other than another client. She needed to move on. However, knowing that and doing it were on opposite ends of the emotional spectrum, and she couldn’t figure out how to get them to come together.

“
Nine-fifteen. I’m leaving early.”

“
And you’re coming back next… what?”

“
Friday. A whole week away in paradise.” Misty sighed. “No kids. No work. No house to clean.”

“
Just make sure you come back.”

Misty sighed again. “Why?”

That was a good question.

The bad thing for Kathryn was that even the chapel wasn’t safe anymore. Going in there reminded her of their time together and that just hurt all the more. She prayed for him as much as her heart could take, but it was becoming more and more fragile with each passing hour. She needed to go out, to get out, to go do something.

Picking up her cell phone after work, she punched in Casey’s number. Maybe they could go get Chinese or go to the moon.

“
Hello?” Her sister sounded like death warmed over.

“
Case? What’s wrong?”

“
Ugh. Hi, Kate. What time is it?”

“
Uh, five-fifteen. Where are you?”

“
Bed. Stomach bug. Paige came down with it yesterday, so we’ve been trading off throwing up all day.”

“
Oh, Case. Why didn’t you call me?”

“
Trust me. You don’t want this stuff. The doctor said it’s like a 48-hour thing, and we’re going to be lucky if Taylor doesn’t get it.”

“
How’s Ethan?”

“
Fine. He’s working. He’s probably safer there anyway.”

“
He left you with both kids?”

“
Duh. Work or staying home with two sick-to-their-shoes people and a screaming baby? What would you choose?”

“
I should come over.”

“
No. Kate. Really. Ethan should be here in an hour anyway. And there’s no reason for you to get sick too.”

“
Are you sure? I could bring some Sprite or…”

“
Oh, Kate. I’ve got to go. Paige is looking green again.”

“
O…kay.”

“
I’ll call you later.” And with that she was gone.

Kathryn clicked off the phone, seriously considering going over to her sister’s. But it was a two-hour drive, and what could she really do once she got there anyway? Her phone rang, and with a sigh, she answered it. “Hello.”

“
Katie. I’m glad I caught you.”

“
Hi, Mom.”

“
Have you talked with Casey?”

“
I just did. Why?”

“
Because I’m headed over there. She doesn’t need to be there with those two babies like that.”

There was no argument in Kathryn.

“
I just wanted to let you know that I’ll be over there at least through the weekend so you don’t worry if you call and I’m not here.”

“
Oh, okay.”

“
Darling, are you okay? I hope you’re not coming down with something. You sound like you could use some rest too.”

That didn’t sound like a bad suggestion. “I’m fine, Mom. Just take care of Casey and the kids.”

Her mother sighed. “I just wish you had someone…”

Ugh.
Not now. Please.
“I’m hanging up now, Mom.”

“
I’m not being pushy. I’m just saying…”

“
Seriously. I’m hanging up.” She pulled the phone from her ear and then put it back. “I love you.” And with that she clicked it off and flipped it into the other seat. Maybe she was getting sick. She sure didn’t feel great. Friday night, alone again. What a surprise.

“
Ben, it’s been awhile. I haven’t heard from you,” Charissa said on the machine as Ben stood at the counter drinking a beer and listening. “I’d love to see you again. Call me.”

She left her number just before the beep. The machine clicked off. Staring at it, he took another drink.

He was alone, and he was bored. It wasn’t like it would be the crime of the century to call her. Maybe they could go out. He hadn’t been out in so long, he couldn’t remember the last time. Or maybe they could just stay in. That sounded even better. Maybe that’s just what he needed to get his head back on straight.

Reaching over, he tried not to think about what he was doing as he called her number. “Charissa!” He sounded fake even to his own ears, but he pushed that back. “I just got your message. Yeah. Listen…” He leaned back on the counter, letting the old bravado slip over him. Finally, Ben Warren was back in the game.

Kathryn took the book off the shelf. She had read it before, mostly for understanding for the job. For a moment she thumbed through it, and then stopped for no apparent reason. She flipped her hair over to the other shoulder and laid her head on her couch. As she read, it was odd how she didn’t remember reading this part. It was about loving someone without expectations and how if you simply loved no matter what the outcome, that was real love.

Six pages in, she let the book fall closed. They all made it sound so easy, but what about when you did that and you still got your heart smashed? Standing, she walked over to the window where the raindrops slithered down. With the tips of her fingers she reached out and touched the cold glass as her heart searched for him no matter how stupid her head said that was. Love so wasn’t fair, not when you went all in and got burned anyway. It hurt to know he’d never had any intention of being with her. He had used her, and when her job was over, when her use to him was over, he went on with life as if nothing had ever happened.

She would cry, but it would change nothing. She was out of tears, out of hurt, out of hope. What was the point? No matter what she did, she still ended up here, in her apartment, alone. With a shake of her head, she stepped away from the window and the depressing thoughts. She needed sleep. Maybe she really was getting sick.

“
So,” Charissa said as she sat on his couch. Her skirt was so short Ben had no trouble visualizing anything even through the alcohol.

“
So,” he replied, knowing full well where that would lead. What was the point of wasting time? They both knew why she was here. He reached over and put his hand on her leg. It was soft. He pushed that thought away as he leaned over to her. He didn’t want to think anymore. He didn’t want to feel. All he wanted was to get lost in the ways that had always worked before and to find a way to stay there forever.

For the third time, Kathryn pulled herself out of the bed. This time, however, she treaded into the living room and to the couch where she plopped down. The rain had chilled everything, so she pulled a blanket over to her. Her glance at the clock on the DVD player confirmed that it was in fact after midnight. Because she simply couldn’t fight it any more, she let her thoughts go to him, wondering where he was. Probably somewhere fabulous. At a bar or on a date with some gorgeous super-model. She could see them now. It wasn’t even all that difficult. They were perfect for each other.

She laid her head back against the cushions and pulled the blanket up higher. No wonder he had no real interest in her. Her life was pathetic. She was pathetic. A tear slid down her cheek, and she brushed it back, annoyed that she even still cared. It would be so much easier not to.

Charissa was asleep in his bed, but Ben felt like a hammer couldn’t put him to sleep. He had thought this would help. He was wrong. Desperately, hopelessly, horribly wrong. Padding out to the living room, he sat down on his couch, and in the silence, he heard the rain. Just like that, he was back in the hospice unit, on the floor, with her. He could pull her face up with no problem at all. It was so easy, and it hurt so much.

With a hard sigh, he reached over to the end table and picked up his cell phone. Would it be so horrible to just call her? Sure, she might tell him to get lost, but at least then he would know. However, what would happen then stomped over his heart. How could he go on without her? It was like he suddenly couldn’t even find life because she was gone. His gaze went over to the doorframe where Charissa slept, and hate for how repulsive he was drilled into him.

He let the cell phone drop between his knees as he flopped back onto the couch. “God, I can’t call her. I can’t do that to her. She’s so much better off without me. Please, please, help me to let her go for her sake.”

Halfway back to the couch, Kathryn spied the cell phone on the counter. She picked it up as if she was simply going to check her messages. Once back on the couch with her hot chocolate, she took a small sip and set it aside. Curling up, she clicked the phone on and had to fight against the intensity of the backlight. Was it always that bright? She hadn’t remembered that.