Complete Plays, The (422 page)

Viola

This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do me this courteous office, as to know of the knight what my offence to him is: it is something of my negligence, nothing of my purpose.

Sir Toby Belch

I will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this gentleman till my return.

Exit

Viola

Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?

Fabian

I know the knight is incensed against you, even to a mortal arbitrement; but nothing of the circumstance more.

Viola

I beseech you, what manner of man is he?

Fabian

Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by his form, as you are like to find him in the proof of his valour. He is, indeed, sir, the most skilful, bloody and fatal opposite that you could possibly have found in any part of Illyria. Will you walk towards him? I will make your peace with him if I can.

Viola

I shall be much bound to you for’t: I am one that had rather go with sir priest than sir knight: I care not who knows so much of my mettle.

Exeunt

Re-enter Sir Toby Belch, with Sir Andrew

Sir Toby Belch

Why, man, he’s a very devil; I have not seen such a firago. I had a pass with him, rapier, scabbard and all, and he gives me the stuck in with such a mortal motion, that it is inevitable; and on the answer, he pays you as surely as your feet hit the ground they step on. They say he has been fencer to the Sophy.

Sir Andrew

Pox on’t, I’ll not meddle with him.

Sir Toby Belch

Ay, but he will not now be pacified: Fabian can scarce hold him yonder.

Sir Andrew

Plague on’t, an I thought he had been valiant and so cunning in fence, I’ld have seen him damned ere I’ld have challenged him. Let him let the matter slip, and I’ll give him my horse, grey Capilet.

Sir Toby Belch

I’ll make the motion: stand here, make a good show on’t: this shall end without the perdition of souls.

Aside

Marry, I’ll ride your horse as well as I ride you.

Re-enter Fabian and Viola

To Fabian

I have his horse to take up the quarrel:
I have persuaded him the youth’s a devil.

Fabian

He is as horribly conceited of him; and pants and looks pale, as if a bear were at his heels.

Sir Toby Belch

[To Viola]
 
There’s no remedy, sir; he will fight with you for’s oath sake: marry, he hath better bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now scarce to be worth talking of: therefore draw, for the supportance of his vow; he protests he will not hurt you.

Viola

[Aside]
 
Pray God defend me! A little thing would make me tell them how much I lack of a man.

Fabian

Give ground, if you see him furious.

Sir Toby Belch

Come, Sir Andrew, there’s no remedy; the gentleman will, for his honour’s sake, have one bout with you; he cannot by the duello avoid it: but he has promised me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he will not hurt you. Come on; to’t.

Sir Andrew

Pray God, he keep his oath!

Viola

I do assure you, ’tis against my will.

They draw

Enter Antonio

Antonio

Put up your sword. If this young gentleman
Have done offence, I take the fault on me:
If you offend him, I for him defy you.

Sir Toby Belch

You, sir! why, what are you?

Antonio

One, sir, that for his love dares yet do more
Than you have heard him brag to you he will.

Sir Toby Belch

Nay, if you be an undertaker, I am for you.

They draw

Enter Officers

Fabian

O good Sir Toby, hold! here come the officers.

Sir Toby Belch

I’ll be with you anon.

Viola

Pray, sir, put your sword up, if you please.

Sir Andrew

Marry, will I, sir; and, for that I promised you, I’ll be as good as my word: he will bear you easily and reins well.

First Officer

This is the man; do thy office.

Second Officer

Antonio, I arrest thee at the suit of Count Orsino.

Antonio

You do mistake me, sir.

First Officer

No, sir, no jot; I know your favour well,
Though now you have no sea-cap on your head.
Take him away: he knows I know him well.

Antonio

I must obey.

To Viola

This comes with seeking you:
But there’s no remedy; I shall answer it.
What will you do, now my necessity
Makes me to ask you for my purse? It grieves me
Much more for what I cannot do for you
Than what befalls myself. You stand amazed;
But be of comfort.

Second Officer

Come, sir, away.

Antonio

I must entreat of you some of that money.

Viola

What money, sir?
For the fair kindness you have show’d me here,
And, part, being prompted by your present trouble,
Out of my lean and low ability
I’ll lend you something: my having is not much;
I’ll make division of my present with you:
Hold, there’s half my coffer.

Antonio

Will you deny me now?
Is’t possible that my deserts to you
Can lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery,
Lest that it make me so unsound a man
As to upbraid you with those kindnesses
That I have done for you.

Viola

I know of none;
Nor know I you by voice or any feature:
I hate ingratitude more in a man
Than lying, vainness, babbling, drunkenness,
Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption
Inhabits our frail blood.

Antonio

O heavens themselves!

Second Officer

Come, sir, I pray you, go.

Antonio

Let me speak a little. This youth that you see here
I snatch’d one half out of the jaws of death,
Relieved him with such sanctity of love,
And to his image, which methought did promise
Most venerable worth, did I devotion.

First Officer

What’s that to us? The time goes by: away!

Antonio

But O how vile an idol proves this god
Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame.
In nature there’s no blemish but the mind;
None can be call’d deform’d but the unkind:
Virtue is beauty, but the beauteous evil
Are empty trunks o’erflourish’d by the devil.

First Officer

The man grows mad: away with him! Come, come, sir.

Antonio

Lead me on.

Exit with Officers

Viola

Methinks his words do from such passion fly,
That he believes himself: so do not I.
Prove true, imagination, O, prove true,
That I, dear brother, be now ta’en for you!

Sir Toby Belch

Come hither, knight; come hither, Fabian: we’ll whisper o’er a couplet or two of most sage saws.

Viola

He named Sebastian: I my brother know
Yet living in my glass; even such and so
In favour was my brother, and he went
Still in this fashion, colour, ornament,
For him I imitate: O, if it prove,
Tempests are kind and salt waves fresh in love.

Exit

Sir Toby Belch

A very dishonest paltry boy, and more a coward than a hare: his dishonesty appears in leaving his friend here in necessity and denying him; and for his cowardship, ask Fabian.

Fabian

A coward, a most devout coward, religious in it.

Sir Andrew

’Slid, I’ll after him again and beat him.

Sir Toby Belch

Do; cuff him soundly, but never draw thy sword.

Sir Andrew

An I do not,—

Fabian

Come, let’s see the event.

Sir Toby Belch

I dare lay any money ’twill be nothing yet.

Exeunt

A
CT
IV

S
CENE
I. B
EFORE
O
LIVIA
’
S
HOUSE
.

Enter Sebastian and Clown

Clown

Will you make me believe that I am not sent for you?

Sebastian

Go to, go to, thou art a foolish fellow:
Let me be clear of thee.

Clown

Well held out, i’ faith! No, I do not know you; nor I am not sent to you by my lady, to bid you come speak with her; nor your name is not Master Cesario; nor this is not my nose neither. Nothing that is so is so.

Sebastian

I prithee, vent thy folly somewhere else: Thou know’st not me.

Clown

Vent my folly! he has heard that word of some great man and now applies it to a fool. Vent my folly! I am afraid this great lubber, the world, will prove a cockney. I prithee now, ungird thy strangeness and tell me what I shall vent to my lady: shall I vent to her that thou art coming?

Sebastian

I prithee, foolish Greek, depart from me: There’s money for thee: if you tarry longer, I shall give worse payment.

Clown

By my troth, thou hast an open hand. These wise men that give fools money get themselves a good report — after fourteen years’ purchase.

Enter Sir Andrew, Sir Toby Belch, and Fabian

Sir Andrew

Now, sir, have I met you again? there’s for you.

Sebastian

Why, there’s for thee, and there, and there. Are all the people mad?

Sir Toby Belch

Hold, sir, or I’ll throw your dagger o’er the house.

Clown

This will I tell my lady straight: I would not be in some of your coats for two pence.

Exit

Sir Toby Belch

Come on, sir; hold.

Sir Andrew

Nay, let him alone: I’ll go another way to work with him; I’ll have an action of battery against him, if there be any law in Illyria: though I struck him first, yet it’s no matter for that.

Sebastian

Let go thy hand.

Sir Toby Belch

Come, sir, I will not let you go. Come, my young soldier, put up your iron: you are well fleshed; come on.

Sebastian

I will be free from thee. What wouldst thou now? If thou darest tempt me further, draw thy sword.

Sir Toby Belch

What, what? Nay, then I must have an ounce or two of this malapert blood from you.

Enter Olivia

Olivia

Hold, Toby; on thy life I charge thee, hold!

Sir Toby Belch

Madam!

Olivia

Will it be ever thus? Ungracious wretch,
Fit for the mountains and the barbarous caves,
Where manners ne’er were preach’d! out of my sight!
Be not offended, dear Cesario.
Rudesby, be gone!

Exeunt Sir Toby Belch, Sir Andrew, and Fabian

I prithee, gentle friend,
Let thy fair wisdom, not thy passion, sway
In this uncivil and thou unjust extent
Against thy peace. Go with me to my house,
And hear thou there how many fruitless pranks
This ruffian hath botch’d up, that thou thereby
Mayst smile at this: thou shalt not choose but go:
Do not deny. Beshrew his soul for me,
He started one poor heart of mine in thee.

Sebastian

What relish is in this? how runs the stream?
Or I am mad, or else this is a dream:
Let fancy still my sense in Lethe steep;
If it be thus to dream, still let me sleep!

Olivia

Nay, come, I prithee; would thou’ldst be ruled by me!

Sebastian

Madam, I will.

Olivia

 
O, say so, and so be!

Exeunt

S
CENE
II. O
LIVIA
’
S
HOUSE
.

Enter Maria and Clown

Maria

Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard; make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do it quickly; I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst.

Exit

Clown

Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in’t; and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student; but to be said an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.

Enter Sir Toby Belch and Maria

Sir Toby Belch

Jove bless thee, master Parson.

Clown

Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, ‘That that is is;’ so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for, what is ‘that’ but ‘that,’ and ‘is’ but ‘is’?

Sir Toby Belch

To him, Sir Topas.

Clown

What, ho, I say! peace in this prison!

Sir Toby Belch

The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.

Malvolio

[Within]
 
Who calls there?

Clown

Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.

Malvolio

Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

Clown

Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man! talkest thou nothing but of ladies?

Sir Toby Belch

Well said, Master Parson.

Malvolio

Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me here in hideous darkness.