Complete Plays, The (423 page)

Clown

Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy: sayest thou that house is dark?

Malvolio

As hell, Sir Topas.

Clown

Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clearstores toward the south north are as lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of obstruction?

Malvolio

I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark.

Clown

Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog.

Malvolio

I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are: make the trial of it in any constant question.

Clown

What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?

Malvolio

That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.

Clown

What thinkest thou of his opinion?

Malvolio

I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.

Clown

Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness: thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.

Malvolio

Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

Sir Toby Belch

My most exquisite Sir Topas!

Clown

Nay, I am for all waters.

Maria

Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown: he sees thee not.

Sir Toby Belch

To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were, for I am now so far in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.

Exeunt Sir Toby Belch and Maria

Clown

[Singing]
‘Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
Tell me how thy lady does.’

Malvolio

Fool!

Clown

‘My lady is unkind, perdy.’

Malvolio

Fool!

Clown

‘Alas, why is she so?’

Malvolio

Fool, I say!

Clown

‘She loves another’— Who calls, ha?

Malvolio

Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper: as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for’t.

Clown

Master Malvolio?

Malvolio

Ay, good fool.

Clown

Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

Malvolio

Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

Clown

But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a fool.

Malvolio

They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my wits.

Clown

Advise you what you say; the minister is here. Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore! endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble babble.

Malvolio

Sir Topas!

Clown

Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I, sir? not I, sir. God be wi’ you, good Sir Topas. Merry, amen. I will, sir, I will.

Malvolio

Fool, fool, fool, I say!

Clown

Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am shent for speaking to you.

Malvolio

Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

Clown

Well-a-day that you were, sir

Malvolio

By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and light; and convey what I will set down to my lady: it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.

Clown

I will help you to’t. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?

Malvolio

Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.

Clown

Nay, I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.

Malvolio

Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree: I prithee, be gone.

Clown

[Singing]
I am gone, sir,
And anon, sir,
I’ll be with you again,
In a trice,
Like to the old Vice,
Your need to sustain;
Who, with dagger of lath,
In his rage and his wrath,
Cries, ah, ha! to the devil:
Like a mad lad,
Pare thy nails, dad;
Adieu, good man devil.

Exit

S
CENE
III. O
LIVIA
’
S
GARDEN
.

Enter Sebastian

Sebastian

This is the air; that is the glorious sun;
This pearl she gave me, I do feel’t and see’t;
And though ’tis wonder that enwraps me thus,
Yet ’tis not madness. Where’s Antonio, then?
I could not find him at the Elephant:
Yet there he was; and there I found this credit,
That he did range the town to seek me out.
His counsel now might do me golden service;
For though my soul disputes well with my sense,
That this may be some error, but no madness,
Yet doth this accident and flood of fortune
So far exceed all instance, all discourse,
That I am ready to distrust mine eyes
And wrangle with my reason that persuades me
To any other trust but that I am mad
Or else the lady’s mad; yet, if ’twere so,
She could not sway her house, command her followers,
Take and give back affairs and their dispatch
With such a smooth, discreet and stable bearing
As I perceive she does: there’s something in’t
That is deceiveable. But here the lady comes.

Enter Olivia and Priest

Olivia

Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well,
Now go with me and with this holy man
Into the chantry by: there, before him,
And underneath that consecrated roof,
Plight me the full assurance of your faith;
That my most jealous and too doubtful soul
May live at peace. He shall conceal it
Whiles you are willing it shall come to note,
What time we will our celebration keep
According to my birth. What do you say?

Sebastian

I’ll follow this good man, and go with you;
And, having sworn truth, ever will be true.

Olivia

Then lead the way, good father; and heavens so shine,
That they may fairly note this act of mine!

Exeunt

A
CT
V

S
CENE
I. B
EFORE
O
LIVIA
’
S
HOUSE
.

Enter Clown and Fabian

Fabian

Now, as thou lovest me, let me see his letter.

Clown

Good Master Fabian, grant me another request.

Fabian

Any thing.

Clown

Do not desire to see this letter.

Fabian

This is, to give a dog, and in recompense desire my dog again.

Enter Duke Orsino, Viola, Curio, and Lords

Duke Orsino

Belong you to the Lady Olivia, friends?

Clown

Ay, sir; we are some of her trappings.

Duke Orsino

I know thee well; how dost thou, my good fellow?

Clown

Truly, sir, the better for my foes and the worse for my friends.

Duke Orsino

Just the contrary; the better for thy friends.

Clown

No, sir, the worse.

Duke Orsino

How can that be?

Clown

Marry, sir, they praise me and make an ass of me; now my foes tell me plainly I am an ass: so that by my foes, sir I profit in the knowledge of myself, and by my friends, I am abused: so that, conclusions to be as kisses, if your four negatives make your two affirmatives why then, the worse for my friends and the better for my foes.

Duke Orsino

Why, this is excellent.

Clown

By my troth, sir, no; though it please you to be one of my friends.

Duke Orsino

Thou shalt not be the worse for me: there’s gold.

Clown

But that it would be double-dealing, sir, I would you could make it another.

Duke Orsino

O, you give me ill counsel.

Clown

Put your grace in your pocket, sir, for this once, and let your flesh and blood obey it.

Duke Orsino

Well, I will be so much a sinner, to be a double-dealer: there’s another.

Clown

Primo, secundo, tertio, is a good play; and the old saying is, the third pays for all: the triplex, sir, is a good tripping measure; or the bells of Saint Bennet, sir, may put you in mind; one, two, three.

Duke Orsino

You can fool no more money out of me at this throw: if you will let your lady know I am here to speak with her, and bring her along with you, it may awake my bounty further.

Clown

Marry, sir, lullaby to your bounty till I come again. I go, sir; but I would not have you to think that my desire of having is the sin of covetousness: but, as you say, sir, let your bounty take a nap, I will awake it anon.

Exit

Viola

Here comes the man, sir, that did rescue me.

Enter Antonio and Officers

Duke Orsino

That face of his I do remember well;
Yet, when I saw it last, it was besmear’d
As black as Vulcan in the smoke of war:
A bawbling vessel was he captain of,
For shallow draught and bulk unprizable;
With which such scathful grapple did he make
With the most noble bottom of our fleet,
That very envy and the tongue of loss
Cried fame and honour on him. What’s the matter?

First Officer

Orsino, this is that Antonio
That took the Phoenix and her fraught from Candy;
And this is he that did the Tiger board,
When your young nephew Titus lost his leg:
Here in the streets, desperate of shame and state,
In private brabble did we apprehend him.

Viola

He did me kindness, sir, drew on my side;
But in conclusion put strange speech upon me:
I know not what ’twas but distraction.

Duke Orsino

Notable pirate! thou salt-water thief!
What foolish boldness brought thee to their mercies,
Whom thou, in terms so bloody and so dear,
Hast made thine enemies?

Antonio

Orsino, noble sir,
Be pleased that I shake off these names you give me:
Antonio never yet was thief or pirate,
Though I confess, on base and ground enough,
Orsino’s enemy. A witchcraft drew me hither:
That most ingrateful boy there by your side,
From the rude sea’s enraged and foamy mouth
Did I redeem; a wreck past hope he was:
His life I gave him and did thereto add
My love, without retention or restraint,
All his in dedication; for his sake
Did I expose myself, pure for his love,
Into the danger of this adverse town;
Drew to defend him when he was beset:
Where being apprehended, his false cunning,
Not meaning to partake with me in danger,
Taught him to face me out of his acquaintance,
And grew a twenty years removed thing
While one would wink; denied me mine own purse,
Which I had recommended to his use
Not half an hour before.

Viola

How can this be?

Duke Orsino

When came he to this town?

Antonio

To-day, my lord; and for three months before,
No interim, not a minute’s vacancy,
Both day and night did we keep company.

Enter Olivia and Attendants

Duke Orsino

Here comes the countess: now heaven walks on earth.
But for thee, fellow; fellow, thy words are madness:
Three months this youth hath tended upon me;
But more of that anon. Take him aside.

Olivia

What would my lord, but that he may not have,
Wherein Olivia may seem serviceable?
Cesario, you do not keep promise with me.

Viola

Madam!

Duke Orsino

Gracious Olivia,—

Olivia

What do you say, Cesario? Good my lord,—

Viola

My lord would speak; my duty hushes me.

Olivia

If it be aught to the old tune, my lord,
It is as fat and fulsome to mine ear
As howling after music.

Duke Orsino

Still so cruel?

Olivia

Still so constant, lord.

Duke Orsino

What, to perverseness? you uncivil lady,
To whose ingrate and unauspicious altars
My soul the faithfull’st offerings hath breathed out
That e’er devotion tender’d! What shall I do?

Olivia

Even what it please my lord, that shall become him.

Duke Orsino

Why should I not, had I the heart to do it,
Like to the Egyptian thief at point of death,
Kill what I love?— a savage jealousy
That sometimes savours nobly. But hear me this:
Since you to non-regardance cast my faith,
And that I partly know the instrument
That screws me from my true place in your favour,
Live you the marble-breasted tyrant still;
But this your minion, whom I know you love,
And whom, by heaven I swear, I tender dearly,
Him will I tear out of that cruel eye,
Where he sits crowned in his master’s spite.
Come, boy, with me; my thoughts are ripe in mischief:
I’ll sacrifice the lamb that I do love,
To spite a raven’s heart within a dove.