Complete Poems and Plays (72 page)

Do you know that I’m one of your responsibilities?

C
OLBY
.
No, I’m afraid I didn’t know that.

E
GGERSON
.
You mustn’t give way to her, Mr. Simpkins.

I never do. I always say

That if you give Miss Angel an inch

She’ll take an ell.

L
UCASTA
.
                  L. for Lucasta.

Go on, Eggy. Don’t mind him, Colby.

Colby, are you married?

C
OLBY
.
                                No, I’m not married.

L
UCASTA
.
Then I don’t mind being seen with you in public.

You may take me out to dinner. A working girl like me

Is often very hungry — living on a pittance —

Cooking a sausage on a gas ring …

E
GGERSON
.
You mustn’t believe a word she says.

L
UCASTA
.
Mr.
Simpkins is going to believe all I say,

Mr.
Eggerson. And I know he’ll be nice to me

When you’re out of the way. Why don’t you let him speak?

Eggy’s really quite human, Colby.

It’s only that he’s terrified of Mrs. Eggerson;

That’s why he’s never asked me out to lunch.

E
GGERSON
.
We will leave Mrs. Eggerson out of this, Miss Angel.

L
UCASTA
.
That’s what he always says, Colby,

When I mention Mrs. Eggerson. He never fails to rise.

B.! What have you told Colby about me?

K
AGHAN
.
It’s no use telling anybody about you:

Nobody’d ever believe in your existence

Until they met you. Colby’s still reeling.

It’s going to be my responsibility,

As your fiancé, to protect Colby from you.

But first, let’s cope with the financial crisis.

L
UCASTA
.
Yes, Eggy, will you break the sad news to Claude?

Meanwhile, you’ll have to raid the till for me. I’m starving.

K
AGHAN
.
I’ve just given her lunch. The problem with Lucasta

Is how to keep her fed between meals.

L
UCASTA
.
B., you’re a beast. I’ve a very small appetite.

But the point is, that I’m penniless.

K
AGHAN
.
She’s had a week’s salary in lieu of notice.

L
UCASTA
.
B., remember you’re only my fiancé on approval.

Can I have some money, Eggy?

E
GGERSON
.
                                     I’m no longer in charge

And that duty has
not
devolved on Mr. Simpkins:

Sir Claude intends to deal with these matters himself.

You will have to ask Sir Claude. But I’ll speak to him

When I return from Northolt.

L
UCASTA
.
                                     You’re going to meet Lizzie?

E
GGERSON
.
I am meeting Lady Elizabeth at Northolt.

L
UCASTA
.
Well, I don’t propose to be on the scene when
she
comes.

K
AGHAN
.
And I don’t propose to leave you with Colby.

He’s had enough for one day. Take my advice, Colby.

Never allow Lucasta the slightest advantage

Or she’ll exploit it. You have to be tough with her;

She’s hard as nails. Now I’ll take her off your hands.

I’ll show you how it’s done. Come along, Lucasta,

I’m going to make a day of it, and take you out to tea.

L
UCASTA
.
I’m dying for my tea. The strain of this crisis

Has been too much for me. Another time, Colby.

I’ll ring you up, and let you take me out to lunch.

[
Exit
L
UCASTA
]

K
AGHAN
.
Take it easy, Colby. You’ll get used to her.

[
Exit
K
AGHAN
]

C
OLBY
.
Egg … Mr. Eggerson!

E
GGERSON
.
                                 Yes, Mr. Simpkins?

C
OLBY
.
You seem to me sane. And I think I am.

E
GGERSON
.
I have no doubt on either point, none at all.

C
OLBY
.
And B. Kaghan has always seemed to me sane.

E
GGERSON
.
I should call him the very picture of sanity.

C
OLBY
.
But you never warned me about Miss Angel.

What about
her
?

E
GGERSON
.
               Oh, Miss Angel.

She’s rather flighty. But she has a good heart.

C
OLBY
.
But does she address Sir Claude Mulhammer

As Claude? To his face?

E
GGERSON
.
                         She does indeed.

C
OLBY
.
And does she call Lady Elizabeth
Lizzie
?

E
GGERSON
.
Well, not in her presence. Not when I’ve been there.

No, I don’t think she would. But she does call her Lizzie,

Sometimes, to Sir Claude. And do you know —

I think it amuses him.

C
OLBY
.
                           Well, perhaps I’ll be amused.

But it did make my head spin — all those first names

The first time I met her. I’m not used to it.

E
GGERSON.
You’ll soon get used to it. You’ll be calling me Eggers

Before you know it!

C
OLBY
.
                          I shouldn’t wonder.

I nearly did, a moment ago.

Then I’d have been certain I’d lost my reason:

Her influence is perfectly frightening.

But tell me about Lu … Miss Angel:

What’s her connection with this household?

E
GGERSON
.
Well. A kind of fiduciary relationship.

No, I don’t think that’s quite the right term.

She’s no money of her own, as you may have gathered;

But I think her father was a friend of Sir Claude’s,

And he’s made himself responsible for her.

In any case, he’s behaved like a father —

A very generous man, is Sir Claude.

To tell the truth, she’s something of a thorn in his flesh,

Always losing her jobs, because she won’t stick to them.

He gives her an allowance — very adequate indeed,

Though she’s always in debt. But you needn’t worry

About her, Mr. Simpkins. She’ll marry Mr. Kaghan

In the end. He’s a man who gets his own way,

And I think he can manage her. If anyone can.

C
OLBY
.
But is she likely to be a nuisance?

E
GGERSON
.
Not unless you give her encouragement.

I have never encouraged her.

C
OLBY
.
                                        But you have Mrs. Eggerson.

E
GGERSON
.
Yes, she’s a great protection. And I have my garden

To protect me against Mrs. E. That’s my joke.

C
OLBY
.
Well, I’ve never met anyone like Miss Angel.

E
GGERSON
.
You’ll get used to her, Mr. Simpkins.

Time works wonders, that’s what I always say.

But I don’t expect you’ll have to see much of her:

That responsibility’s not on your shoulders.

Lady Elizabeth, now, that’s different.

C
OLBY
.
At least, I don’t suppose Lady Elizabeth

Can be quite so unusual as Miss Angel.

E
GGERSON
.
O yes, Mr. Simpkins, much more unusual.

C
OLBY
.
Oh!

E
GGERSON
.
Well, as I told you, she really is a lady,

Rather a
grande
dame,
as the French say.

That’s what Sir Claude admires about her.

He said to me once, in a moment of confidence —

He’d just come back from a public luncheon —

‘Eggerson’, he said, ‘I wanted a lady,

And I’m perfectly satisfied with the bargain.’

Of course it’s true that her family connections

Have sometimes been useful. But he didn’t think of that:

He’s not petty-minded — though nothing escapes him.

And such a generous heart! He’s rather a Socialist.

I’m a staunch Conservative, myself.

C
OLBY
.
But is Lady Elizabeth very unusual

In any other way, besides being a lady?

E
GGERSON
.
Why, yes, indeed, I must admit she is.

Most of her oddities are perfectly harmless.

You’ll soon get used to them. That’s what Sir Claude said:

‘Humour her, Eggerson,’ he said, ‘humour her.’

But she has one trait that I think I did touch on:

She’s very absent-minded.

C
OLBY
.
                                    I hope you don’t mean,

She has lapses of memory?

E
GGERSON
.
                              I didn’t mean that.

No. She hasn’t very much memory to lose,

Though she sometimes remembers when you least expect it.

But she does forget things. And she likes to travel,

Mostly for her health. And when she’s abroad

She is apt to buy a house. And then goes away

And forgets all about it. That can be complicated

And very costly. I’ve had some rare adventures!

I remember long ago, saying to Mrs. E.,

When we’d bought our house in Joshua Park

(On a mortgage, of course) ‘now we’ve settled down

All the travel
I
want is up to the City