Complete Works of F. Scott Fitzgerald (Illustrated) (463 page)

HUBERT: This is my house.

SHADOW: YOU may go.

HUBERT: Oh very well.
(Exit.)

(Enter Miss S.)

MISS S.: Why, who are you?

SHADOW: Don’t be alarmed.

MISS S.: My nerves are in a turmoil. They say there is a thief in the house.

SHADOW: There is but I’ll get him. I am a detective, my dear lady.

MISS S.: So you’re a detective, are you?

SHADOW: I am.

MISS S.: A real detective?

SHADOW: What do I look like? Papier mâché?

MISS S.: And do you need assistance?

SHADOW: Assistance? Ah, I have just the thing. Sh!

MISS S.: Oh, if I could help you find this burglar, Mr. Connage might take me back in his employ.

SHADOW: Listen. I am hunting for the Shadow. I should like your assistance in a piece of work that requires careful handling. Now take heed. The real burglar is no other than Mr. Connage himself. He has been deceiving people for years but at last I’m onto him.

MISS S.: HOW perfectly awful. Still, I had long suspected.

SHADOW: NOW the next person who enters this room I want you to stop and hold here till I come. Have you a revolver?

MISS S.: I’ll get one. (
Takes revolver from case on wall.)

SHADOW: NOW remember, no matter who the person is. Hold him or her up until I come, for I have reason to suspect that it will be Mr. Connage’s assistant. Remember, the police do not treat courageous work lightly. You will probably be rewarded and — How would you like a position on the women’s detective bureau?

MISS S.: Magnificent!

SHADOW: YOU will obtain it. Now crawl under this table. Don’t fire “nder any conditions and remember that “wait” and “hope.” are the passwords.

MISS S.: Wait and hope. I will remember.

(Exit Shadow. She crawls under table.)

(Enter Mrs. Connage in coat and shawl.)

MRS. C.: Gentlemen, I am ready to see my son. Why they’re gone.

Where on earth —

MISS S.: (
Under table.)
Halt. Not another step.

MRS. C.: What — what!

MISS S.: I have you covered.

MRS. C.: Oh who are you?

MISS S: One of the foremost members of the women’s secret service.

MRS. C.: It’s Miss Saunders.

MISS S: You have been found out.

MRS. C.: The woman is crazy!

MISS S: Put up your hands.

MRS. C.: She is in league with some robbers.

MISS S: The signs of guilt are written all over your face.

MRS. C.: Miss Saunders, release me at once. My son is lying half shot — in a boarding house and I must go to him.

MISS S: What language. Half shot indeed!

MRS. C.: Will you kindly explain this?

MISS S: No explanation is necessary. (
Comes out from table.)
I have you where I want you. My friend the detective will soon arrive.

MRS. C.: But —

MISS S: No explanations. I know all.

MRS. C.: All what?

MISS S.: All about your husband.

MRS. C.:
(Aside.)
Heavens! Can he have been up to something?

MISS S: He has indeed. And you know only too well. You are his accomplice.

MRS. C.: His accomplice? Me?

MISS S: You.

(Enter Mr. Connage from back.)

MRS. C.: Beverly!

MR. C.: Why, what’s all this about? A pistol!

MISS S: Put up your hands.

MR. C.: What?

MRS. C.: She says you’re a criminal.

MR. C.: What in the devil is the matter?

MRS. C.: And I’ve just received word that our son is shot.

MR. C.: Shot? I just saw him.
(To Miss S.)
Did you shoot him?

MISS S: Everything you say will be used against you.

MR. C.: This is preposterous.

MRS. C.: She must be in league with robbers.

MISS S.: You rascal, you!

MR. C.:
(To his wife.)
Have you been up to something?

(Voices outside.)

DUREAL: We have zem.

MCGINNESS: Bring them in here.

(Enter the -policemen, each holding either Rabbit or Rudd, followed by Emma Kate.)

MCGINNESS: We found them trying to sneak out of the back window. They have stolen these clothes.

DUREAL: We have did ze duty.

MCGINNESS: But what’s all this?

MR. C.: Arrest this woman. (
Pointing to Miss Saunders.)

MISS S.: Arrest this man.
(Pointing to Mr. Connage.)

MCGINNESS: But we have the crooks.

MISS S.: Pardon me but I have them.

MRS. C.: But this woman is evidently a thief herself.

DUREAL: Four crooks or five. Ah, this is a situation.

MCGINNESS: Who — Who — What shall I do?

DUREAL: These are the men.

MR. C. AND MRS. C.: This is the woman.

MISS S.: Apprehend this couple.

MCGINNESS: But which one shall I arrest?

DUREAL: Arrest all of zem.

(Enter Hubert followed by girls.)

DOROTHY: Papa! Mama!

MRS. C.: My son, restored!

HELEN: Miss Saunders!

HUBERT: Rabbit and Chinyman!

RABBIT: Well?

MCGINNESS: What shall I do? They each accuse somebody else.

HUBERT: These are my friends. Pll vouch for ‘em.

DOROTHY: This is my father and mother.

DUREAL: Ze case grows complicated.

RABBIT: Arrest the old lady with the shotgun.

HUBERT: You’re looking for the Shadow? There ain’t five Shadows.

(Enter the Shadow.)

SHADOW: NO, there are not. But the Shadow is here.

DUREAL: Shall I arrest this fellow too?

MISS S.: My friend the detective.

SHADOW: Pm Johnston from the central office.

MCGINNESS: Well, see if you can unravel this.

SHADOW: I think I can. The Shadow is in this room.

(All start.)

MCGINNESS: Where? Where?

SHADOW: Look! The crook will be known in two minutes. Listen!

Some one in this room is posing for some one else, but in reality is the Shadow.

ALL: The Shadow?

SHADOW: The most daring crook in New York. He is one who has for years been leading a double life. Officer. Arrest Hubert Connage, alias the Shadow.

ALL: Hubert Connage?

HUBERT: It’s a lie!!

MRS. C.: My son.

(Hubert starts up. They grab him. All are startled and talk.

Mrs. Connage faints and the Shadow lights a cigarette.)

(Curtain.)

ACT II

(Thirty minutes later. Scene the same. Mr. Connage is seated at left. McGinness is standing at right and Hubert is gagged and tied to chair between them. Dureal is standing to the right of McGinness.)

MR. C.: So now I hope you are convinced that my son is no burglar and no Shadow and that this is all a foolish mistake.

MCGINNESS: Well I guess it’s pretty certain that you ought to know your own son, but you’ll admit it looked mighty suspicious when that detective fellow stood out here and called him the Shadow.

DUREAL: Mais ou est-t-il. Le detective qui a lui dénoncé.

MCGINNESS: Yes, yes. Speak sensibly.

DUREAL: That detective. Where has he disappeared?

MCGINNESS: He said he was going to call up the police station.

MR. C.: But that was a half an hour ago.

MCGINNESS: Well he hasn’t come back.

MR. C.: Had you ever seen him before?

MCGINNESS: Never. He said he’d just joined the force.

MR. C.: I half believe he wasn’t a detective at all.

MCGINNESS: Well he couldn’t have gone far. There’s a guard of policemen around the house.

DUREAL: I knew, I knew continually, what ch’u call it, all ze time. I — ze brain, oui, moi.

MCGINNESS: Your mouth is overcrowded with talk. Now spill one word at a time and you’ll be understood.

DUREAL: I knew all the time.

MCGINNESS: And you didn’t tell us? Why you mean little thing.

He was a gent dee harm in France.

DUREAL: Oui j’étais un gen d’arme en Paris. I nevaire before fail. That we have not caught him is due to this pig.

MCGINNESS: Here, here, frogslegs — No names.

DUREAL: Frogslegs?

MR. C.: Gentlemen. It is not too late to catch this burglar or bogus detective. There is still a guard of policemen around the house, so he must be in the house.

HUBERT:
(Gagged.)
Mmmmm — mmm — mm — mmmm.

MR. C.: My son evidently wants to be released.

MCGINNESS: TO be sure. I forgot.

(Unties him.)

HUBERT: Mmm — Ah. Oh my mouth.
(Tries to stretch it.)
Of all the ivory-headed policemen. To let that fellow get away from almost under your nose.

DUREAL: What fellow?

HUBERT: That fake detective. Why he was the Shadow himself.

MCGINNESS, MR. C AND DUREAL: He was the Shadow?

HUBERT: Of course he was. If I hadn’t been a little intoxicated I wouldn’t have let him bluff me about keeping mum.

MCGINNESS: YOU knew who he was all the time?

HUBERT: Sure I did but he threatened to blab something he knew about me if I gave him away, but now he’s played me such a dirty trick and got my mouth so sore that I am going to catch that fellow if he tells about me all over town.

MR. C.: Mr. McGinness has stationed men all around the house, so he couldn’t have gotten away.

DUREAL: Well, after him.

MCGINNESS: Right-o.

MR. C.: Come, we will search the house.

(Exit McGinness, Dureal, Mr. Connage.)

(Enter Mrs. Connage.)

MRS. C.: Hubert, Hubert, my poor boy. So they released you. First some aldermen told me that you had been shot.

HUBERT: Aldermen? I don’t remember any alderman. Oh yes, I have a dim recollection of picking up two men on the street and bringing them home and why — yes — why I promised I’d make them aldermen or something of the sort.

MRS. C.: But my son, they said you had been shot in the eye and your eye looks all right. Where were you shot?

HUBERT: In the excitement.

(Enter Helen.)

HELEN: Oh excuse me. There has been so much excitement that I don’t know where I’m going.

HUBERT: Why Helen, just in time. Mother, Helen and I are — are — Oh why don’t you tell her?

HELEN: We’re — we’re — Why don’t you?

HUBERT: Engaged.

HELEN: TO be married.

MRS. C.: Engaged? Why, why, how startling! But Helen, you dear girl, I haven’t the heart to blame you. You must tell me all about it in the morning. Come, it is getting late.

HELEN: Here Hubert. Something I got for you down town today.

(Hands him -paper.)
Sign it.

HUBERT: What is it?

HELEN: Why it’s a pledge.

(Exit Helen and Mrs. C.)

HUBERT: Well I’ll be darned.
(Starts to throw it away, then examines it, then signs it and throws it on the table.)

(Enter Rudd and Rabbit.)

HUBERT: Ah, good morning Mr. — Mr. —

RABBIT: YOU ain’t forgotten us, have you?

HUBERT: Oh are you the fellows I brought home to spend the night with me?

RABBIT: We’re the ones. And say, you haven’t forgotten about aldermen?

HUBERT: Hey, did I say I’d make you aldermen? What a fool I was!

RABBIT: Oh I don’t know about that.

HUBERT: I tell you. I’ll consider the matter at least. You may spend the night as my guest.

RABBIT: But — But — But —

RUDD: YOU talk like a goat.

HUBERT: Where did you get that suit? It’s enough to wake any one up in the morning.

RUDD: Think so? You gave it to me.

HUBERT: You mean that I ever had a suit like that?