Complete Works of F. Scott Fitzgerald (Illustrated) (466 page)

LINDY: You may go, Jeff.

JIM: I reckon those flowers are ruined. I suspicion your father ain’t over crazy about me somehow.

LINDY: So?

JIM: Yes. No man that grows flowers is going to plant them in an ash can unless he doesn’t want them to grow, Miss Lindy.

LINDY: How astute you are.

JIM: Astute?

LINDY: Clever.

JIM: Oh yes, I am rather clever, but I don’t know — they don’t seem to care overmuch for me around here somehow.

LINDY: They don’t?

JIM: Father wanted me to go to war, but I didn’t care about it particularly. By the way, Miss Lindy, I’ve got a little matter I’d like to speak to you about.

LINDY: What’s that?

JIM: Do you want to get married?

LINDY: Eventually, I reckon. Why?

JIM: Oh, I just wondered.

LINDY:
(Smiles.)

JIM: What do you think of me?

LINDY: What do I think of you?

JIM: Yes, for a husband.

LINDY: I reckon you’d make a good husband.

JIM: YOU do? — Say, that’s fine. Well Lindy —

LINDY:
Miss
Lindy!

JIM: Why, ain’t we engaged?

LINDY:
(Laughing.)
Oh horrors, no! I didn’t say a good husband for me. I said a good husband for somebody else.

JIM:
(Crestfallen.)
Then — then say you’ll be a sister to me.

LINDY: Why?

JIM: I was reading a story the other day, and the lady said she’d be a sister to the man she turned down.

LINDY: I’m afraid I can’t.

JIM: Well, could you be an aunt or a grandmother?

LINDY: Mr. Holworthy, my advice to you is right here:  Before you come around proposing to a girl, you had better go out with my brother and the rest and do some fighting. Then people would have some use for you. Do you know why my father doesn’t like you?

JIM: Mmm —

LINDY: He thinks you are a coward.

JIM:
(Calmly.)
Does he?

LINDY: You’re a fine one! You sit right there and let me call you a coward, with no remonstrance?

JIM: What do you want me to do? — Hit you?

LINDY: Why didn’t you enlist when the rest did?

JIM: I thought one man wouldn’t make any difference and I didn’t care particularly how the war came out anyway, and there were plenty to go without me.

LINDY: Every man counts, Mr. Holworthy, and I and everyone else would respect you more if you had joined the army.

JIM: DO you really think so, Miss Lindy?

LINDY: Yes I do.

JIM: (
Starting to go.)
Well, goodbye.

LINDY: Where are you going?

JIM: I’m going to enlist.

(Exit Jim.)

(Enter Virginia on run.)

VIRGINIA: Oh Lindy, news, news! Our army is retreating and will pass by here within half an hour by the Royd Turnpike.

LINDY: And Charley’s regiment?

VIRGINIA: Your brother’s regiment is with them.

LINDY: Oh, what news! Mother! Mother!
(Calling.)

MRS. D.:
(Outside.)
Yes Lindy?

LINDY: Come down quick. Virginia, how do you know?

VIRGINIA: The advance guard is already in sight. My little brother Dick rode out to make sure, and he was right. It’s Early’s division of Lee’s army.

(Enter Mrs. Douglas and Cecilia.)

MRS. D.: What’s the matter, Lindy? Oh, howdy, Virginia.

VIRGINIA: The army! Oh the army! Celia, rejoice, rejoice! Charley is coming home. Isn’t it perfectly romantic!

MRS. D.: For an hour perhaps.

VIRGINIA:
(Sits at pano and plays “Away Down South in Dixie.”)

(Enter Tommy and Clara Douglas and Governess.)

TOMMY: Oh Mother, may I go out and see the soldiers? May I?

May I?
(Jumfing with excitement.)

CLARA: Yes Mother, may I?

MRS. D.: Very well, children.

CLARA AND TOMMY: THANKS’ MOTHER.

(Exit Tommy and Clara on run.)

(Hoofbeats heard outside.)

(Enter Charley, followed by Percy.)

CHARLEY: Well Mother, I’m back again, Sister too, and Celia.

(Embraces them all in turn.)
Mother, this is my friend, Lieutenant Altwater. He’s an English sympathizer who came over and joined us.

MRS. D, CECILIA, VIRGINIA AND LINDY: We’re glad to meet you, Lieutenant Altwater.
(Etc.)

PERCY: Delighted, I’m sure. You know, I haven’t seen a girl for six months. I declare I thought I’d die! You know, I love the girls, and alas they return the compliment.

VIRGINIA:
(Thrilled.)
Oh, are you a sharpshooter?

PERCY: Me? No, no, I’m in the Infantry, mounted at present.

CECILIA: Infant? Infant? A regiment of very young men?

PERCY: No, no, — Those on foot — Anyone on foot.

CECILIA: Oh girls, then we’re all infantries.
(Laughs.)

VIRGINIA: HOW perfectly romantic!

MRS. D.: HOW do you like the army, Mr. Altwater.

PERCY: Very well, except for the servants. You know, they object to my keeping two valets. Isn’t it outrageous? I started out with a manicure lady but she eloped with my footman. Then my groom drank some of that bully Kentucky whiskey, and alas I don’t know where he is now!

VIRGINIA: How deliciously sentimental! Come, would you not like to see the place?

PERCY: I’d love to.
(Extends arm to Virginia.)
It reminds me of an old shooting lodge I’ve got up in Suffolk.

(Exit Percy and Virginia.)

CHARLEY: Well Mother, we’re rich. Our cavalry company fell in with a Yankee commissary train and here are twelve thousand dollars Union money. That’s shoes, guns, and what not for our whole division. Looks good to us. I’m acting commissary since old Wilkins was shot. Twelve thousand! That helps along.

LINDY: HOW long can you stay, Charley?

CHARLEY: Five minutes more. The division has passed now, and the Union advance is right behind us. But where is Father?

(Enter Judge Douglas, wheeled by Jeff.)

JUDGE D.: My son!

CHARLEY: Father!
(They clasf hands.)

JUDGE Well, I’m mighty glad to see you. You don’t look any the worse for wear.

CHARLEY: I’ve been fine — A little scratch on my forehead — Nothing to speak of.

GIRLS and MRS. D.: Oh!

CHARLEY: Hardly drew blood, I assure you.

JUDGE D.: Charley, you are just in time to tell your sister what kind of a man Jim Holworthy is. He’s been sending her flowers.

CHARLEY: Jim Holworthy been sending Lindy flowers? Why Lindy, do you know that that man is a rank quitter? He’s a stay-at-home!

The day we organized our company he refused to join, and wouldn’t give any reason. He’s — he’s — why — if he does it again I’ll take him out and horsewhip him!

LINDY: There, there, Charley, your little sister is quite old enough to take care of herself. Mr. Holworthy has just enlisted at my bidding.

CHARLEY: I didn’t know he had the nerve.

JUDGE D.: Oh, so you’ve seen him lately, have you? I’ll cane him!

LINDY: There, Father, it’s all right.

JUDGE D.: But I tell you it isn’t all right! He can’t —

(Enter Percy.)

(Exit Judge Douglas and Jeff.)

PERCY: Charley old sport, we’d better be going. We’re behind the column now, and the Yankee outriders are not far behind.

CHARLEY: I reckon you’re right, Percy.

PERCY: You’ll excuse us, Mrs. Douglas. You know, General Lee really needs me. I fancy he’s wondering now where I am. I’m rather the power behind the throne, you know.

CHARLEY: Well, goodbye Celia; goodbye LindyJ goodbye Mother.

PERCY: Good afternoon Mrs. Douglas. Sorry I haven’t a card with me.

(Enter Judge Douglas and Jeff.)

JEFF: Mistah Charley, dere’s a squad of Yanks jumpin’ over the fence down by de cow pasture and comin’ up here right pert!

CHARLEY: All right, Jeff. You haven’t a few cigars, Father? We don’t get such luxuries.

JUDGE D.: Here — Help yourself.

CHARLEY:
(Takes cigars.)
Here, Percy.

PERCY: If I may. (
Also takes cigars.)

MRS. D.: DO hurry, Charley; I’m so afraid.

CHARLEY: Goodbye everyone. Come on Percy.

(Exit Charley and Percy.)

(Sound of hoof beats. Voice outside.)

Hey, halt there! (
Two shots fired.)

MRS. D.: Oh!

CECILIA:
(At window.)
They’re safe. Charley is waving his hat.

MRS. D.: Oh, thank God for that!

CECILIA: Some Yanks are coming across the yard.

JUDGE D.: Oh, if I wasn’t a cripple! Oh!!

(Door of ens — )

(Enter Caftain Ormsby with Privates.)

CAPT. O.: Good morning.
(No answer.)
You don’t seem sociable. Well, don’t answer then, but listen. A few officers will have to be quartered on you tonight. I’m sorry, lady — I thought I’d prepare you. It’s a disagreeable duty.

LINDY: We need no sympathy from Yanks.

MRS. D.: None at all.

CECILIA: I think I’ll be going home, Mrs. Douglas.

LINDY ) Goodbye, Celia.

CECILIA: Goodbye.

(Exit Cecilia.)

CAPT. O.:
(Looking at Judge Douglas in chair.)
What’s this? A Southerner and not at war?

JUDGE D.: Your remarks, sir, are entirely out of place. I’ll have you know, sir, that I — I —

LINDY: My father is paralyzed from his waist down.

CAPT. O.: I see. Well, you may expect the officers for dinner.

MRS. D.: If we must, we must. How many?

CAPT. O.: Four.

MRS. D.: The pantry is open — They can serve themselves. I will wait on no Yankees.

CAPT. O.: By the way, who were those two Rebs that rode away just as we came up?

JUDGE D.: That is our affair.

CAPT. O.: There’re a pesky lot of cavalrymen. They robbed a commissary train this morning, and cost Uncle Sam twelve thousand in greenbacks.

JUDGE D.: That doesn’t concern me in the slightest. Jeff, wheel me out. Come on, Mary.

(Exit Judge Douglas, Mrs. Douglas, and Jeff.)

CAPT. O.: I’ll put a guard in front of the house, Miss Douglas, to keep the soldiers from annexing food.

LINDY: As you please.

(Exit Captain Ormsby.)

LINDY: (
Goes to table and picks up work. Under it she finds the money. She hides it under cover.)

JIM:
(Outside.)
I don’t know any countersign — I ain’t ever been behind a counter anyhow. I ain’t no clerk.

PRIVATE WILLINGS: (
Outside.)
I tell you you can’t pass.

(Enter Jim Holworthy, followed by Private Willings.)

LINDY: Well, Mr. Holworthy, did you did it? Did you en —

JIM: Hobble gobble gobble!

LINDY: Why, what’s the matter? I only wanted to know if you en —

JIM: Hobble gobble!

PRIVATE W.: What’s the matter? Is this some plot?

JIM: No. You see, she’s got a cold, and she wanted me to go to the drugstore and get her a mustard plaster.

LINDY: Why —

JIM: For her dog. You see, she’s fond of the dog, and it caught the cold.

LINDY: Mr. Holworthy, it’s no such thing — I just wanted to know if you — if you —

JIM: Aber-ca-daber!

PRIVATE W.: This is treason. I heard him say, “I could have had you.” You’re a spy.

JIM: No, I ain’t.

LINDY: This man isn’t a spy — He’s just afraid to go to war.

PRIVATE W.: Well, I’ll believe you, mum. But don’t let me see you snooping around here, Rube!

(Exit Private Willings.)

JIM: Did you hear what he called me? Come back here, you — I’ll show him. I’ll — I’ll —
(Makes motion of stabbing.)

(Enter Private Willings.)

PRIVATE W.: Did you call?

JIM: Me? No, I didn’t call. Me? Oh, oh, I didn’t call.