Complicated Girl (12 page)

I have mixed feelings about self-help books. My mother’s got an old dog-eared copy of
The Rules
. That’s a book by two trainwreck ladies with a bunch of divorces, all about tricking guys into not thinking of you as an actual person, but as a prize to be won.

Tina and I like to dramatically read quotes from
The Rules
at parties, or have people take the quizzes from a
Cosmopolitan
magazine. Tina acts like it’s a big joke, but I’ve heard her quote
Cosmopolitan
articles with zero irony.

Everybody scrapes their chairs on the gray floor to make room for me, and I squeeze in next to Abbie. She gives me a sweet smile, and I’m so glad Muffin made me come here tonight, that I surprise Abbie with a big hug.

For the next hour, I keep my problems to myself and listen to the others share their problems. I offer a few comments, keeping it honest and respectful. I start getting that high feeling I get from group.

Tuesday nights are the best part of my week. Hearing that bad things happen to other people doesn’t exactly make me feel better, but it puts my bad feelings in perspective.

So what if I dry humped a hot dentist? The way the older ladies in the group keep smiling at Drew, I think they’d sell a kidney to get to experience what I did.

(Note to self: That would be an interesting way to run a drive for people to fill out their organ donor registrations. Give a Kidney, Dry Hump a Dentist. It’s like the modern version of a Kissing Booth, which is something I’ve never, ever, ever seen in real life, yet is a staple of sitcom plots and romantic comedy movies, as common as people meeting their friends for a casual hangout, IN THE FRIGGING MORNING before they go to work. Like regular people get up at five a.m. to pop by each other’s houses for a few jokes before even beginning their commute.)

Feather calls my name. “Meenie, is there something you’re ready to share tonight?”

“Have you guys ever seen a Kissing Booth in real life? Do you think charities actually do them? I wouldn’t think so, considering sexual harassment lawsuits, not to mention mouth herpes.”

The group laughs uncomfortably, which is not an uncommon reaction from them when I talk.

Feather says, “Anything else?”

I look over at Drew for a microsecond, then pull my eyes away. It’s too late. I’m sunk. He’s wearing a chunky, cable-knit sweater, and he’s never looked so huggable. He’s like a human teddy bear.

I look back to Feather’s blue eyes, and I’m transported to the ocean. All is safe here. Feather sees my soul. She gives me a reassuring smile, as if to say,
Meenie, you’ve only dry humped one person here at the group, which is only about a five on the skank-o-meter, but who amongst us is perfect? Let she who has not dry humped anyone, or grabbed their hot dog at an inappropriate moment, throw the first stone. You came here to share, and you’re paying for it, so share.

“I was depressed today, so I didn’t bake anything,” I tell the group. “Sorry.”

Abbie puts her arm around me. “Honey, we love you anyway.”

“Of course you’d say that. You’re nice. What I want to know is… why can’t I be nice? Why can’t I say sweet, supportive things? I’m always wrecking everything by being mean. I could try changing my name, but I don’t think it will help.”

I look up at the people across from me. They’re all avoiding eye contact, because it’s true.

One of the men speaks up. “You have a gift for honesty, and I might not have kept coming to group if it wasn’t for you.” He looks around at the group apologetically. “No offense. I like everyone, and you’re all great in your own way, but Meenie’s the only one who calls me on my bullshit.”

Abbie gives me another squeeze around my shoulders. “Not everyone was meant to be sweet, my dear. Some of us are more… savory.”

Drew lets out a loud “Hah!”

The group turns to face him. Feather says, “Is there something you’d like to share with us?”

He gazes deeply into my eyes, making me feel like I’m tumbling off my chair, even though I’m sober and perfectly still.

“Just that she’s perfect,” he says. “She’s not mean. There’s nothing wrong with her, and she doesn’t need to change.”

Feather leans forward with very interested, very suspicious body language. “Interesting,” she says.

I exchange looks with Drew:
We are both getting in BIG trouble from Feather after this session. She knows all about you giving me a dental exam with your tongue, Mr. Teddy Sweater.

Drew smiles back at me, all innocent sex appeal, like a hot teacher who doesn’t know he’s hot. “Last week, Meenie was saying that guys couldn’t take a little teasing from her. I’ve been thinking about it, and she’s right. There’s nothing wrong with her.”

“Thank you,” I say.

He winks at me. “Guys razz each other all the time. I’ve got some friends I used to play rugby with, and if we’re not talking about the smallness of each other’s private parts, we’re talking about nailing each other’s mothers.” He grimaces and looks around at the seniors present. “Sorry to be so coarse, but it’s relevant.”

They motion for him to go on. I might not be impartial, but Drew’s speech so far is definitely one of the top ten moments of group since I’ve been coming.

He fixes his eyes on mine, sucking my soul out of my body and over to his for a soft, fuzzy, sweater hug with his soul. “Meenie just needs to find a real man, who knows who he is. Someone who can take her over his knee and show her a firm hand when she’s—”

Feather interrupts, “DREW!”

He keeps looking into my eyes.
Yeah, I said it
, his look says.
You’re just a naughty girl who needs a good spanking, and I’m the guy to give it.

My nipples are so amped right now. They are trying to tunnel out of my bra and shirt, along with the rest of my body. I’m on the edge of my seat.

One of the new faces, a woman a little older than me, raises her hand. “My husband and I enjoy a little light spanking.” She pushes her glasses up her nose. “I read that
Fifty Shades
book, and I turned into a wild sex animal. You all should try it.”

Abbie nods in agreement. “Spanking is the new oral.”

Another lady chimes in, saying she thought
anal
was the new oral, and from that point, the group basically becomes a free-for-all of sex tips and book recommendations.

I look over at Feather, and see that she’s smiling.
That’s weird.
Everybody’s talking at once, yet she doesn’t mind a bit. She even reaches up to wipe away a glistening tear of happiness from one eye. Wow. Those pregnancy hormones must be a real roller coaster.

I’ve been avoiding looking at Drew since his offer to spank me, but I can’t avoid his eyes forever.

I turn to him and give him a sexy tigress look.

Over the noise, he says, “I meant what I said.”

I keep nodding. “Game on,” I tell him.
Game on.

While the other group members surround the snack table after the session, Drew and I make a hasty exit.

I don’t turn around to check, but I’m sure Feather is giving us a withering stare. She forbade us from dating each other, which only makes sneaking out together the MOST. FUN. EVER.

Out in the hallway of the community center, I get the giggles. My voice reverberates through the hallway, making me sound even more crazy than I feel right now.

Drew pins me up against a community bulletin board and starts kissing me. His fall sweater makes him even more cuddly. As our tongues get reacquainted, one of my legs rises up on its own and hooks itself around Drew so he can’t get away.

His breath hot on my face, he reaches down and grabs my butt so hard, he lifts me right off the ground. As he grinds the zipper area of his pants against mine, I moan and lift the other leg, so they’re both wrapped around him.

The colored papers on the cork bulletin board behind me start falling to the hallway floor like autumn leaves.

My arms are wrapped tightly around Drew’s strong shoulders, and I don’t want to let go.

“You’re such a bad girl,” he says, gasping. “You’ve really got a good grip on me, too.”

I gaze up into his dreamy brown eyes. “I am your human barnacle.”

He doesn’t even blink. “You are definitely my human barnacle, and I’ll never scrape you off.”

“That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

I take a deep breath. “Yes.”

“What am I thinking?” he asks cheekily.

“That we should have coitus in that janitor’s closet right there.”

He starts to laugh, his whole body shaking. His arms relax, and his fingers loosen their grip on my buttocks. I slide straight down between Drew and the bulletin board, landing hard on my tailbone.

He stops laughing immediately and stoops down to pick me up. “Are you okay?”

I grin through the tailbone pain. “I’m okay,” I gasp.

“You shouldn’t make me laugh so hard when I’m trying to be sexy. And what kind of human barnacle are you if you couldn’t hang on while I got a better grip on your sexy ass?”

“You make me weak,” I sputter. “You make my knees weak, and my spine weak, and you’re all up inside my boundaries, with your tongue in my mouth checking my molars. Shame on you.”

He helps me to my feet, then crosses the hallway to check the janitor’s closet. “Locked,” he says with disappointment.

“Hmm.” I pretend to be struggling with the problem at hand. “Let’s do that thing where we go to my house, on the pretense of doing an errand, and then we fool around.”

He rubs his chin. “There is that book you promised to lend me.”

“What book? Oh! Yes, that book.” We start walking toward the main exit.

Since we both arrived for the meeting in separate cars, Drew follows me home in his car. Funny thing about this: he drives the newer model of my mother’s car. So, that’s weird.

It’s dark and cozy out when we get to my house. As we cross the lawn to the front door, we both glance up at the same time and then stop in our tracks.

“Cloudless night,” he says.

The moon and stars look more beautiful than ever.

Drew wraps his arms around me and kisses me under the stars. I’ve never swooned before, but I think I’m swooning right now. His sweater is fuzzy. I feel dizzy, like my head just struck the mat in a wrestling match.

He squeezes me.

My wrestling instincts kick in, and I sweep with my leg. Drew goes down hard, like a bag of sand.
He wasn’t expecting that.

I gasp and cover my hand with my mouth. “I’m so sorry, Drew. I don’t know what happened, but my head was swooning, then you squeezed me, and I panicked.”

He stays down on the grass, staring up at me with a stunned expression. “Are you on any medications?”

“No, but I probably should be.”

“How’s your tailbone feeling?”

I reach back and give it a rub. “A little sore, but—”

He pounces like a tiger and tackles me to the ground. We roll together, a tangle of arms and legs. His mouth is on mine. We’re both laughing, and I’m laughing so hard my eyes are leaking. There’s grass caught between out mouths, but Drew just fishes the grass out and keeps on kissing me.

He’s on top of me, and I’m letting out soft, happy moans as our bodies grind against each other.

He reaches between our torsos and slips his fingers inside the waistband of my jeans. “May I?”

I try to look coy and resist the urge to beg. “Be my guest.”

He rolls to the side, so he can slip his hand down my jeans and into my panties. I stare up at the beautiful, starry night sky, until he starts kissing me, and I close my eyes.

I hear the night sounds of the city: traffic in the distance, the sounds of conversations coming from open windows, and someone calling in either a cat or a dog.

Drew’s hand is in my jeans. His mouth is hot on my lips. His fingers push down the front of me until they push between my legs. The whole world slips away, and it doesn’t matter that we’re on the front lawn of my house with only a hedge for privacy.

He starts breathing heavily as he finds my core, where his fingers slip and rub easily. My body tenses as my hips rise up, pushing against his hand.