Complicated Love 2 (5 page)

I’m so numb. I’ve been in a fog for three days. My Gramps has been with me every step of the way. Keira has been around but I don’t know what to say to her. She holds my hand and tells me its gonna be okay. How can she love me? I blamed her for our baby dying  and now I don’t know why but I keep pushing her away. I should have gone to the pool house to be with her, to grieve with her but I can’t. Why can’t I make myself go to her?

My Gramps says it’s okay for me to cry. I know I should but the tears just won’t come out. Why? Where are they? I loved Sloan. I miss him so fucking much. But why can’t I cry?

I’m so confused. He wouldn’t hurt himself, would he? Not Sloan. He was happy and living his dream. He loved football. So this had to be a terrible,terrible accident, right? The gun accidentally went off, right? It had to be a misfire. Because Sloan would never intentionally do this to us. To his parents, to his friends, to me. Dammit Sloan! What were you thinking?

How did I miss it? How did this happen? Was I too wrapped up in my life to see my best friend was ….what was he? Sad? Angry? I’m going out of my mind. Dude, how could this be happening?

Gramps and Keira leave the room. She hasn’t been eating enough. I can tell. She looks tired and sad. But, she loved Sloan so she
is
sad. I should leave this room and check on Keira. I can’t move. Not now. Maybe tomorrow.

Keira

I can’t resist. I have to call and check on him. I know. I know. He should apologize. He should be checking on me,too. I convinced myself I didn’t have anything to say to him but I miss him. It’s been four days since the funeral. I’ve talked to Gramps every day to check on Lane. He’s back at work and school. I wonder how he’s really doing. I want to call him but I call Gramps instead.

“Hey Gramps, How are you?”

“I’m fine. How are you?”

“Fine.”

“Lane is working today.” He pauses.He’s thinking. “Keira? Why don’t you call him yourself?”

“He was so angry. About the baby and then …and now Sloan is gone. I just don’t know what to say to him.”

“You don’t have to say anything. But you need to be there for him.He needed to be there for you.You both have lost a baby and a friend. Don’t lose your marriage too.”

“How do we fix it? He feels so far away.”

“One step at a time. Come to dinner. My treat.”

“No Gramps. I’ll cook. I’ll invite my husband home. It’s time.”

After disconnecting with Gramps, I sent Lane a text:

Me: Can you come for dinner?

Lane: Sure. What time?

Me: Whenever you get home. I’ll be waiting.

Lane: See you then.

I should be excited but I’m not. I’m scared. I know Lane loves me. I love him. But can we be a couple? Losing the baby changed me.
There! I admit it.
I feel lost and afraid. I knew that having a family would change me. But I realize now I wanted a family. Me, Lane and Peanut.  But now there’s no baby. So, why are we together?

I don’t know what’s next for us. Does he still blame me for Peanut? I don’t want to always wonder if he resents me or if he’ll get mad enough to leave me. I want to know that he will be there. I want us to have more children one day.

After Peanut died I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t sure what I felt. My emotions were all over the place and I couldn’t think. But losing Sloan reminded me of what I cherish the most in this world. My family. The family Lane and I were becoming. Yes, we have Gramps, Aunt Debb and even my mother. But, none of those people are my husband. I want
us
to be a family again.

Lane

“I have stayed out of this matter with Keira. But, Lane, listen to me. It’s time to talk to your wife.”  Gramps says on the other end of the call. That means he knows that Keira has invited me to dinner.

“I know.” I sigh into the phone. “But, what do I say? That I love her? I miss her?” It sounds so stupid because I have not shown her I loved her at all lately.

“Yes! Tell her that. Be honest. Keira knows you love her.I think she is still grieving- for both the baby and Sloan. She needs you. And Honestly, you need her,too.”

“How can she love me after the way I ran away after losing Peanut and then
pushing
her away after Sloan…” I can’t even say the words. It just hurts too bad.

“I know it’s scary. But, this where you have do the hard work and fight for your marriage.” Gramps is laying it on thick.

“You don’t have to worry. I will be at the pool house tonight.” I assure him and myself.

“Great! That’s what I want to hear. Don’t forget to pick up flowers.”

“Got it. Thanks Gramps! Love you.”  We end the call.

I decide to skip lunch and work on the big project coming up. Working keeps me focused and my mind from wandering to Sloan and Keira. While I’m sitting at my desk, the phone rings. “Lane Callahan,” I answer without looking at the number. Silence. I look at the caller ID on the phone display. It’s my mother. Great! I have been dodging her calls for weeks. She called a few days after the miscarriage. I didn’t take her call then. After Sloan died she called and stopped by. I refused her calls and refused to see her.

Looking at the number, I want to hang up but I know she’ll call my cell and leave a message. I may as well see what she wants. I can hear her breathing, “Hello? Mother?”

“Oh. Hello Lane, I thought you’d be at lunch. I was prepared to leave another message.”

“ No need. I’m here in the flesh. What can I do for you?”

“I just wanted to hear your voice.” Her voice cracks. “Are you doing okay?”

“I’m fine mother.” I’m not. I won’t give her the satisfaction of knowing the truth.

“How is Keira?” I don’t answer. I guess I’m a little stunned. She never asks about my wife or calls her Keira. She always refers to her as
your wife
. “I know losing so much can be hard on both of you.” I still don’t answer. I refuse to discuss Keira with my mother. She must sense my hesitation. “Your dad and I are going on an extended trip next week. I just wanted to let you know. I won’t keep you from your work.” There is an awkward silence. What am I supposed to say? She speaks first. “Well, um, I love son.” The line goes dead.

I must look like an idiot holding the receiver in stunned silence. I don’t know how to process the call. My mother called to check on me
and my wife?
Plus, she
loves me
? What the hell?

At five o’clock, I jet out to the rover and run to the grocery store and grab a bouquet of flowers. The rain starts to fall. It’s been cloudy all day. I know I should go to the florist but I refuse to use the funds in my account from my parents never closed -guilt money- so I live on the money I make from my internship. I can’t do as much for Keira as I’d like but she’s never complained about the money I don’t make. She seems content with how we live. I am too. The pool house is fine. It’s a one bedroom bungalow style with sturdy furniture and good appliances. There’s a washer and dryer. We don’t have to pay rent. Gramps is a cool landlord. I pay for the food, my gas and insurance.

It’s still raining when I pull up to the pool house, my heart is pounding. I may be having some kind of cardiac event. I can’t seem to catch my breath. But, I force myself to get out of the rover. Dodging the heavy rain, I run to the door to see my wife.

Keira

I heard the rover when Lane pulled up to the pool house. I look around to double check everything. The table is set. Candles lit. I smooth my hand over my dress. It’s simple.  Navy blue with spaghetti straps and a pair of yellow flats. I look in the mirror. My hair looks okay. It’s pulled back in a clip. A deep breath.  I’m nervous. Finally. A knock at the door.

He’s knocking? It’s his pool house. Plus, it’s raining really hard. I open the door.
Wow!
He looks amazing. I just take him in as he walks through the doorway. His dark hair has grown out in to unruly curls. His piercing eyes and cleft chin. And then, he flashes his smile. I feel like I’ve been struck by lightning.

He seems nervous too. He looks so professional in his khaki slacks and French blue shirt. His striped tie is slightly crooked. I can tell he’s tired. He’s watching me as I am watching him. We stand awkwardly in the entry way of the pool house. Lane seems unsure of  what to say. Then finally he speaks. “You look really nice.” He notices the flowers in his hands and so do I for the first time. “These are for you.” He pushes them toward me.

“Oh. Thanks.” I reach for the flowers. “Nice. I mean…they’re nice.” I stammer a little bit.

“Glad you like them.”

“You wanna sit down?” I offer him a seat-
in his pool house
- as I walk toward the kitchen. “It’s almost ready.”

“Sure.” He says but doesn’t move. “Thanks for inviting me.”

I nod.

“I miss you.” Tears form in his eyes. “I love you so much Keira. But I don’t know what to say.” He steps closer to me .

I don’t want to make this moment about sex. I should move back but there seems to be a magnet pulling our bodies closer. Before I can talk myself out of it I raise up on my tip toes and offer him a kiss. Just a simple kiss to break the awkwardness of the moment, right?

The moment Lane Callahan’s lips touch mine all thoughts cease to exist. He wraps his hands around my waist and leans me against the wall as he places soft sweet kisses on me. First my lips, then my face, and my neck . I wrap my arms around his neck and let him hold me close. “I love you too. I miss you. I’m so sorry Lane.” I sob into his strong embrace.

“No baby. Don’t apologize. I should have been stronger.” He’s holding me so tight I almost can’t breath. I want him to hold me even tighter and never let go.

We seem to be frozen in this position for what seems like hours. I can’t seem to let him go. The tears won’t stop. I have missed my husband. I want this. I want it forever. I want our love to work. Lane is holding me and letting me empty my sorrow onto him. Before I know it, he’s lifting me up and carrying me to the bedroom.

When we reach the bedroom, I slip from his arms and turn to undress him. He looks confused. “Keira, no, I don’t want you to think you have to do this. I didn’t bring you in here to make love.”

“I want to make love to you. I miss you. I miss
us
. Please Lane?”

He groans. “Baby, you don’t have to do this. I just want us to talk. I know you have to be tired. We’ve been standing there for a while. We can have dinner later. We can just talk.”

“No. I want you to make love to me first. The food is in the warmer. The candle is in a jar. It should be fine.” I say as I slip his tie from his neck and start to unbutton his shirt.

“Are you sure?” He asks. I nod. He smiles
that smile that I love. “Okay.” He says as he takes off his shirt and t-shirt and slides my dress to my waist, then my hips and finally off.

I’m lying on the bed in my panties and bra watching him slide his slacks and underwear over the obvious bulge in his pants. Finally, when he is naked, he kisses my lips so gently I almost don’t feel him. He rests between my legs as he kisses each nipple with the same gentleness. I can feel my body melting into the mattress as he strokes my cleft, sliding his finger in and out of my wetness. I arch my back asking and begging him for more with my actions. He pulls one nipple into his mouth gently stroking it with the tip of his tongue. When I think I can’t take anymore, he slides into me releasing a guttural moan unlike any I’ve ever heard from him. Slowly but forcefully our hips synchronize to meet one another’s needs.

I love this the way our bodies flow in and out of one another. The way we feel when we are connected this way. I open my eyes and the look of intensity of his eyes as he is watching me. The focus and concentration on his face mixed with the pleasure is too much for me. My body takes over. My legs open wider, taking him deeper. I anchor myself by holding onto his biceps as I scream his name in release as he follows me over the edge.

I think to myself as I drift off how much I love my husband. I want this marriage to work.

Lane

She’s asleep. I want to wake her and make love to her again but instead I watch her sleep. She’s so beautiful with freshly kissed swollen lips. Her hair is laying across my arm and she smells like a combination her sweetness and our lovemaking.

I must have been in deep thought because I didn’t notice her eyes opening. Now her copper brown orbs are focused on my lips. I know what she wants but we need to talk. So I ease over to sit up. I will my body to cooperate for at least a few minutes. I clear my throat. “Keira, we need to talk.”  She nods as she shifts her body. Now on all fours crawling slowly, provocatively towards me. I can’t really focus with her hips and boobs swaying like that so I quickly recover and grab her by the shoulders. “Come sit with me.” I say as I grab my slacks and walk to the sofa in the den.

I take a minute to clear my thoughts as she follows me in my shirt. “What’s wrong Lane?”

“Nothing. But I want us to talk for a little while.” Damn she’s beautiful.