Confessions of a Litigation God: A Legal Affairs Full Length Erotic Novel (22 page)

As I stand beside
Mac at her mother’s bedside, I notice the IVs have been removed
but she’s still on the ventilator with a heart monitor beside
it. It’s really hard for me to understand how she can show a
steady heartbeat, yet essentially be gone. I guess that’s why
Mac had such a hard time making her decision.

The nurse turns to
Mac and says, “Miss Dawson… if you’re ready, I’m
going to disconnect the respirator and I’ll remove her airway.”

We had been prepared
for this. They met with us first before preparations were made. They
had told us once the ventilator was disconnected, it would take her
probably thirty minutes to an hour to pass.

Mac doesn’t
respond and, as I glance down at her, I see she’s staring at
her mom’s face. Her head is swathed in thick bandage that wrap
all the way around and she has some slight bruising under her eyes,
but past that, she looks peaceful… and ready.

“Miss Dawson?”
this nurse prompts her.

A sob tears lose out
of Mac’s throat, and I know she’s physically unable to
give the go ahead. I step behind Mac and pull her backward into my
body, wrapping my arms tightly around her chest. Leaning down, I
murmur, “Are you ready, baby? If not, we can do this later.”

Without looking at
the nurse, because I think it makes Mac feel too guilty, she gives me
a slight nod of her head, her eyes never leaving her mom’s
face.

I turn my head and
look at the nurse. “Go ahead. She’s ready.”

The nurse gives me
an understanding smile and hits a switch on the ventilator.
Immediately, the rasp and whoosh sound it was making stops and the
room is utterly still and silent except for the occasional beep from
the heart monitor. Tears falling from Mac’s face hit my arms,
but she weeps quietly.

The nurse quickly
removes the airway tube and steps away, melting backward to wait
quietly and give Mac space.

Leaning forward, I
give her a kiss on her head and loosen my hold so she can go to her
mom. I pull a chair over and push Mac on her shoulder to sit down,
right beside her mom’s bed. She takes her hand, kisses it, and
then lays her forehead on her mom’s lap.

I’m not going
to lie… when I hear Mac say through heavy tears, in an almost
a childlike voice, “I’m going to miss you so much,
Mommy,” I get a slight prick of tears in my eyes because
there’s something achingly beautiful about holding onto
someone… talking to them… while they pass from this
life. The fact that it’s Mac there mourning as her mom dies is
practically killing me. I want to grab her, whisk her from this
fucking tragedy of a day, and do something to make all of this pain
go away, but I have no clue what to even do for her.

So I wait, behind
the chair where Mac sits. I don’t take my eyes off her and I
stand there for the forty-two minutes it takes for her mom to pass.
The nurse quietly walks up to the heart monitor and I glance over,
seeing that she has flatlined. The nurse gently touches Mac’s
shoulder and says, “She’s gone. Stay here as long as you
like.”

After the nurse
leaves, I wait some more, but it’s only a few moments before
Mac stands from the chair. She leans over, kisses her mom on the
cheek, and turns, walking straight to me.

I have no choice but
to open my arms and let her step into my embrace. Not that I wouldn’t
want to do it, but she didn’t wait for me to offer. She needed
my comfort, and she demanded it.

Of course, I gave
it.

After a few minutes
of me leaning my cheek on top of her head and stroking her back, she
pulls back slightly and says. “I’d really love to get out
of here.”

“Where to?”
I ask her, because I don’t know if she just wants out of this
room or wants out of this city.

“I know you
have a flight out of here soon, so how about we just take a walk
nearby.”

“Sure,”
I tell her with a smile as I take her hand.

I lead her from her
mother’s room… from the hospital, from where death and
grief clog the air. We step out into the summer sunshine and with
some fortuitously accidental navigation, we find a beautiful park
across the street and meander around for a while. My plane doesn’t
leave for another three hours, so I have a bit of time. When I found
out Macy would be arriving this afternoon, I knew it was safe for me
to return to New York, because Mac would have someone by her side.

Part of me did want
to stay. Deep down, there was a small part of me that liked Mac
leaning on me.

But the larger part
of me, the one that is scared shitless, is demanding I leave. This
entire trip to Nashville has been surreal. In just a matter of two
days and due to one horrifyingly tragic circumstance, the dynamic of
my relationship with Mac has changed. I provided emotional support to
her, and that is definitely not something I should be doing in a
sex-only relationship. Doesn’t matter I wanted to provide it…
I shouldn’t have provided it.

I actually have to
tell myself, “Don’t get in any deeper, Matt. The deeper
you go, the more painful it’s going to be when your heart gets
ripped out.”

So yeah… it’s
good I’m leaving. Mac will be fine because Macy will be here,
and I’m going to get back into the swing of my life. When Mac
comes back to New York, we can hopefully just pick up where we left
off.

“Have you ever
lost a loved one?” Mac asks innocently, our hands held together
loosely as we walk, swinging back and forth.

God, have I ever.

I lost the woman I
thought was the love of my life. I lost her for absolutely no-good
fucking reason other than the fact she was selfish, cruel, and
without conscience. It was a loss that may not have been quite the
same as death, but for the way my shredded heart felt, I think I felt
it just as keenly as what Mac is feeling right now. It may not be the
same type of love, but I felt its loss deep in my soul. It’s
the exact pain I am trying to avoid by never getting that lost to
someone again.

By never succumbing
to the concept of infinite love and commitment. It’s a fallacy…
a perversion to my senses. It has no place in my life ever again.

I know, however, Mac
is not asking about that. She’s talking about true death, so I
answer her, “My grandfather… on my dad’s side.
About three years ago.”

“Were you
close?”

“Not really,
but only because he and my grandmother live down in southern Florida.
We just didn’t see them very often.”

Mac doesn’t
make any comment about it, preferring to walk along in silence. I
find myself curious though. “I’m assuming you don’t
have any siblings?”

“I’m an
only child. I have a few cousins, but they all live out in
California.”

“So, no other
family then in this area?”

“Nope. All
alone.”

The sun is warm, and
the grass is green. It’s a beautiful day, and it feels like we
left the heaviness of despair far behind us.

“So what about
you?” Mac asks curiously. “What’s your family
situation?”

Every instinct in me
screams at me to lie to her. To tell her I don’t have any and
leave it at that. But I can’t. It’s not fair to feed her
falsehoods in any circumstance, but not particularly when she has
suffered the way she has.

“My mom and
dad live in Pennsylvania, where we’re from originally. Just
outside of Philadelphia. My mom’s parents are there as well,
and my other grandmother is still down in Florida.”

I sneak a look down
at Mac’s face, and she’s smiling softly. “So you’re
an only child too?”

“That I am,”
I confirm.

We walk along in
silence for a bit more, Mac turning us back around to head to the
hospital where we can get a cab back to the hotel so I can get my
suitcase. “Thanks for the walk. That was nice, and I needed
that.”

I open my mouth to
say, “Your Welcome,” but instead I say, “I have a
son.”

Mac stops and turns
to look at me, her head cocked to the side. Her face is soft and
open, and she doesn’t appear to be pissed she’s just
hearing this.

“His name is
Gabe, and he’s seven years old. He’s pretty much the most
perfect kid ever, and I know parents are supposed to say that, but
it’s fucking true in my case.”

“I know,”
Mac says gently. “Cal told me.”

Just the mention of
his name and I’m suffused with anger. I’m pissed that Cal
told her something personal that was for me to tell her, and I’m
pissed that she was in a situation that required a conversation of
the magnitude that would reveal I have a child.

I’m just
pissed.

But then Mac leans
into me, laying her head on my chest. “But I’m so glad
you feel comfortable enough with me to share that. It means a lot.”

Well fuck… my
fury dissipates as I wrap my arms around Mac and pull her in close. I
don’t like her having a friendship with Cal but, in the grand
scheme of things… as I stand in Nashville, Tennessee, holding
my lover in my arms not even an hour after her mother died in her
arms… well, I have to push my shit aside and stand strong for
Mac right now.

I can worry about
all this other stuff later.

I’m well aware
that there is no such magical thing as a do-over, you having been
privy to my thoughts previously on the matter.

But I need
something.

I need something
because I royally screwed the pooch when I went to Nashville. I broke
the biggest rule of all, and that was allowing myself to care for Mac
in a way that caused all of my common sense to fly out the window. I
cared for her, I opened myself up, and I made myself vulnerable. The
worst part is that now Mac is probably going to expect that warm and
fuzzy Matt all the time, and I don’t have that in me to give
consistently. That was a one-time only fluke.

I have to do
something to fix that.

A reset, perhaps.

Yes, I need to put
things back in their rightful order, so I’m hitting the reset
button. It’s time to get back to doing what I do best.

And that’s
fucking.

I walk up to Mac’s
office. Today is her first day back since her mother’s funeral,
and I want to say hello. She and I have texted for the past few days
while she was in Tennessee, but I’ve carefully avoided having
an actual phone conversation.

Looking in, she’s
sitting at her desk, reading a sympathy card signed by all the
attorneys and staff, which was with a huge bouquet of stargazer
lilies on her desk. I know this because I approved the purchase to
Karen yesterday when she suggested doing something for her return.

I wait to be
overwhelmed with a mirage of conflicting feelings regarding Mac,
especially since I crossed so many boundaries I had imposed on myself
already. She sits there, so visually stunning and very desirable.

Also vulnerable and
sad.

And as expected, I’m
hit from all angles. I’m flooded with lust, my mind already
playing out all the inappropriate things I want to do with her, and
my heart is happy to see her again even though my brain is shaking
its head saying “You stupid motherfucker”. I decide to
push my heart to the rear and listen to my brain and my dick.

“Welcome
back,” I tell her from her doorway as I hold onto the doorframe
with both hands and lean in.

Mac turns her head
toward me, and I see her hastily blink back tears.

“Hey,”
she says, giving me a friendly smile.

I stare at her hard,
trying to figure out what’s going through her mind right now.
Is she going to hold me to some impossible standard that I
inadvertently set by my actions in Nashville?

Unfortunately, she
gives nothing away, and it’s one of the reasons she’ll be
a great litigator. Instead, her face looks at me with open curiosity
for my visit.

“So…
everything okay? Sure you’re ready to be back to work already?”
I ask her hesitantly, trying to open the door to some generic
conversation. Since her face isn’t giving anything away, maybe
her words will.

“I’m
sure,” she says with absolute conviction.

Hmmm. That told me
absolutely nothing. Maybe I need to bait her a little… see if
I can offend her sensibilities. I’m sure she is expecting
something from me… something beyond an orgasm.

“Good,”
I say aloofly. “There’s a new case I just assigned to
you… You’ll see an email about it. Review it, and you’ll
be handling the depositions next month.”

“Oh-kay,”
she says in confusion, and now I’m starting to get somewhere.
She is indeed expecting something more than what I would have
normally given her before.

I engage in a bit of
a staring war with her, having to literally force myself not to ask
her how she’s feeling. I may be acting like a cold bastard to
her right now, but deep down… I really want to know she’s
okay. I’m just going to have to assume she is, so I can go
through with my plan to hit the reset button. I must maintain my
“aloof asshole mode”, which really should be my only mode
from here on out.

When I can see the
confusion on her face start to melt into sadness, it spurs me into
action. Looking left and right down the hallway to make sure no one
is coming, I lean into her office further and speak quietly so no one
can hear. “Can I see you tonight?”

“Yes,”
she says as relief washes over her face, which, in turn, causes
relief to gush through my entire body. While I thought she would
still want me, I was sort of prepared for her to push me away when
she realized that we were going back to status quo.

“What do you
want me to bring to eat?” I ask her, although I know without a
doubt what I want to eat. More than once.

“Surprise me,”
she says playfully.

I give her a wink,
nod my head, then I turn around and walk away.

***

Operation Reset is
in full swing, and it’s going fucking fantastic as far as I can
tell. Every night this week, I’ve gone to Mac’s apartment
with food after work. We eat… talk about a little of this, a
little of that. Nothing really heavy.