Confessions of a Military Wife (33 page)

“Yes! Cash Only!”

Satisfied (I guess), she took me into the back to a private room. “Take off clothes below waist,” she ordered. “Up on table.” She nodded toward a folding table.

For a second I got really nervous because she didn’t understand English very well. Not only that, the room looked like the backroom abortion clinics I had read about.

I tried to relax when she came in the room with a tub of wax. There I was, laying on a crappy table with my privates exposed. I kept thinking, “If God wanted everyone to see your privates, he would have named them ‘publics.'”

With second thoughts racing through my mind, I decided to get up just when she approached me holding a wooden stick dripping with wax.

Helen was smiling, and suddenly appeared very friendly. I began to relax. She said the most encouraging things to me as she proceeded to rip large chunks of hair off from around my labia.

She looked at my privates and said, “You beauty down there!” I was flattered. My privates had been in hiding for so long. I did flinch once or twice as she continued her waxing job.

Each time I did she exclaimed, “You want beauty?” When I nodded in reply, she would exclaim, “Then you get pain,” ripping off another patch of hair. I think she enjoyed doing that.

Halfway through my treatment, a woman outside the door spoke to Helen in Vietnamese. Helen turned to me. “Be back.” She left me there—lopsided and quite sticky.

Within a short time I could hear loud music coming from the lobby and Helen’s voice singing Celine Dion’s version of “Beauty and the Beast.” At an instrumental break in the song, the door bursts open.

I’m spread-eagled on the table as Helen walks in with a microphone in her hand.

“Mollie, you want sing Karaoke? I put you on list. You’re next!”

And then she slams the door!

Three minutes later she returned to the task of grooming privates.

“God I hope you washed your hands,” I prayed. She was not even wearing gloves.

At this point, I could hear the next Karoke contestant singing “Vogue” by Madonna.

Helen chatted on while she tediously labored away. “Your husband will kiss more now … down there!” Even I didn’t know how to reply to that.

“Lift leg,” instructed Helen. As I did, I felt something warm in a place that usually felt kind of dirty. What was she doing?

“Ah, what are you doing down there?” I asked

“It look like a bunny tail back there!” she answered as she stuck a paper strip right next to my anus and jerked it off.

I screamed.

She showed me seven black coarse hairs on the strip of paper. Who knew? It’s so dark back there. How long had those been there?

You hear news reports about a scientist who discovers a new species of fish that had been in the bottom of the ocean for centuries. Since it’s so dark in those regions, no one had ever explored it. Now I understand the mystery.

Helen finished up with a few more pulls and rips. After it was all done she handed me a mirror. “Look!”

“That’s ok,” I replied. “I trust you.” I really didn’t need to see for myself.

Before I could move she pushed the back of my head forward between my legs. “See, I make you beauty down there!”

“OK!” I answered, summoning up the courage to look.

I’m from the generation that was taught not to look at your own genitals or even touch them. I think my mom put a “Mr. Yuck” sticker on the front of my underpants. She made it clear bad things could happen if you go near your genitals.

I took a deep breath, let go of my past, and looked. I paused for an instant waiting to be struck by lightning. Nothing happened.

Helen did a great job. My pee pee looked a little strange. Frankly, she looked a little “naked,” but she definitely looked better. My hope now was that Jon would recognize her!

Oh, and the bunny tail? She let me keep it. I use it as a good luck key chain.

BANNERS

After the house and I had been groomed, I started on the “Welcome Home” banner. Many families go all out on this one. They get their kids to do hand prints in paint. They do huge collages and add cute sayings. The banner is an excellent way to get kids of all ages involved in the homecoming plans.

Since Jon is really low key and an introvert, he requested something small. I purchased a simple welcome home sign and American flag pinwheels. In the yard I planted flowers and dressed my pink flamingo in an Uncle Sam costume.

It was all simple, but really warm and cute. It was a perfect welcome home for Jon.

My husband and I had visited his family before he deployed. We talked about how great it would be when he finally came home. His sister kept asking how the reunion works. Then Jon’s mother piped in and exclaimed, “I’m going to be the first one to run up and give him a huge hug and kiss when he gets back.”

That was it. Unable to hold back my anger, I spun around and retorted, “No, you won’t because I will be the first one to see him. After that, we will be up in the bed for at least a week before any of you can come to visit!”

That wasn’t particularly tactful, I admit, but I really needed to make the point. My day-to-day life had been the one most impacted by his absence, and, damn it, I was going to be the first to kiss my man and didn’t want anyone else there for the reunion.

I believe it should have been my husband who addressed this issue with his family instead of making me look like the bad guy. Many families arrange their reunions the same way they do their “goodbyes.”

Since every family is different, you need to be honest and prepare in the same way. Some families with kids want the extended family on hand so they can help with the kids. They plan for mom, dad, grandma, and cousins to be present when their serviceman returns.

In the end, you need to talk about what works best for your family. Jon and I simply didn’t want to be overwhelmed by our extended family.

I recommend sending out an email to friends and family explaining when your husband is coming home. Politely inform them that your husband will be jet-lagged or at least adjusting to being on land again, and will need lots of time to rest during those first few days.

Let them know that he won’t be accepting phone calls, either. The last thing you need to be doing when he first returns home is to exchange small talk with fifty people. You’ll catch some grief for this, but do it anyway. Encourage them to send a “Welcome Home” e-mail, which he can respond to when he is rested.

I was pleasantly surprised by how many friends and family sent heartfelt messages. Jon really appreciated them.

Of course, he will call mom and dad to let them know he is on American soil. It’s up to them to call their friends and family.

If he wants to call more people at his leisure, that’s his decision. He doesn’t need the pressure of having to call a bunch of people under the false pretense that he needs to be “polite.” He’s going to need down time, and so will you.

E-mails are the ideal solution.

Your husband will be given leave when he returns and I encourage you to take a family vacation.

When I say “family,” I mean just you, your husband, and the kids. If you have kids, I believe it’s important you and your husband find alone time away from the base and the kids. It may only be an overnight stay while someone watches the children. Regardless, you need time for just the two of you.

Many of you will have family that will want to visit or have you travel to their home. Make sure you decide what is best for your family and make the decision based on the leave as well as your budget.

We took a week to be home alone. Then we took off for a week to get away from the base. Only after that did we invite family in. Your job when he comes home is to serve as the gatekeeper.

Our priority was each other. Since Jon and I did not have kids, it was hard for his family to understand why we needed time alone.

I got a pretty bad rap for being overprotective of Jon. But I knew the most important thing when he returned was to get our relationship back on track.

Wives are traditionally the ones in families who plan for his return. Your husband has no idea what’s going on. He is just relieved to be home. Politely set boundaries, but do it in a loving, patient manner.

If your husband serves in the Navy or Marine Corps and is deployed by ship, he has the option of inviting someone to join him on a Tiger cruise back to the mainland. A Tiger cruise is when the ship stops at its last port before heading to mainland America.

There is a lot of hype over these Tiger cruises, but I heard they are really boring. Frankly, I think it’s like being in prison. You play a lot of video games, lift weights, and smoke cigarettes. It’s not a Carnival Fun ship.

If you cruise from Hawaii to San Diego, the ocean can be really rough so get ready to puke.

Many times families will actually meet in Hawaii and do a reunion there. Many men take their leave then and honeymoon with their wives at this last port. This is great for families with kids. The wife flies to Hawaii. She and her hubby get alone time, then when they get back to the states the kids get to see their dad.

Jon’s dad wanted to meet him in Hawaii and do the Tiger cruise. Unfortunately, he had some medical issues and decided he couldn’t manage the trip.

Instead, Jon’s parents flew to Hawaii and visited with him there. Jon and I had mixed feelings about their trip. We had been considering flying me out to Hawaii for a little honeymoon. Since his dad couldn’t do the cruise, we thought if they saw him in Hawaii that we would have our own time back in the states.

In one way, it was the best thing to do. But I was sad and jealous when they called from Hawaii to tell me they were about to see Jon. In a way, his mom did get her “first kiss.”

Jon called me that night to say that he felt weird because all the guys were honeymooning with their wives and he was with his mom and dad. It was a no-win situation for us.

No matter how you think your “first kiss back” will go down—who will be there or what you will wear—relax. Avoid high expectations.

Life in the military always has some drama attached. It’s like when women put all their emotions and thoughts on the wedding and not the marriage. Keep that in mind and make sure your priorities are in order.

Our friend Kat received really disappointing news right before the homecoming. Her husband’s ship had been redirected to help with the rescue of a capsized fishing boat crew. That meant the reunion wouldn’t happen for another three days.

Can you imagine finding out two days before your husband is scheduled to arrive, “Sorry ladies, it will be three more days.”

I felt so bad for her.

Be sure to take your camera to the reunion. I was blessed to have photos documenting both reunions.

Natalie snapped the most amazing photos of our first kiss afer his first deployment.

On his second deployment, Jon went with an early party so he came back before everyone else. He was the only Marine at the reunion.

My girlfriend Karen followed me on the 20-mile drive to pick up Jon so I could have photos of our reunion kiss. I will never forget her thoughtfulness.

When Jon returned, I was surprised to discover it was like he had never left. I didn’t feel like a huge weight had been lifted; I just felt at peace.

I will say this. I hadn’t felt as though my husband was really safe until I saw him in America with my own eyes.

Calls from the airport in Iraq didn’t calm me, nor did calls from Germany. Nothing helped until I saw him myself. At that point I thought, “He survived this war. I can breathe now.”

He drove us home. During the long drive we chatted like old friends. It wasn’t awkward or strained. All my worries about how we would get along were silly. My best friend was back and we were a couple again. It was as if seven months of hardship had never happened. All the time we had been apart didn’t matter.

We had a lifetime ahead of us.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE ANY MORE

When people ask if we had trouble adjusting after Jon returned from Iraq, I explain that I learned very quickly not to come out of the shower with a towel wrapped around my head.

Ladies, since you’ve spent seven months or more alone in the house, you might want to curb your recent unattractive bachelorette behavior.

After all, you’re now sharing your home with a man who is sexually attracted to you.

One wife told me she had to stop cutting farts while watching TV. She had never done this in front of her man before he deployed, but during his absence she had gotten comfortable letting herself and her crude behavior go.

So ladies, avoid burping, farting, and using the bathroom with the door open. You’re not alone anymore.

I had to work through some adjustments. I wanted to show Jon I could relate to what he had been through. I tried to show him that I could live like he had in the desert. I knew he had gone without a lot of amenities in that sandbox over there. So I started to do the same around the house. After about a week he pulled me aside and said, “Sweetheart, I appreciate it, but you have to stop using the litter box. It’s not right to blame the cat.”

To be honest, sex was a bit awkward when Jon came home. The first time I was so scared I screamed and ran. I had forgotten how to do it.

After being everyone else’s dildo fairy, I didn’t practice what I preached. Let’s just say I wasn’t properly “prepared” for my husband’s return.

In hindsight, I wish I had at least sat on a pickle or something. Many wives reported having to put ice on their pee pee after their first encounter. Frankly, I think you really do revert to virginity after six months of inactivity.

I heard from one of my girlfriends that her husband popped a hernia from their lovemaking escapades. Look ladies, you don’t have to make up for seven months all at once. Surgery is no fun for anyone.

Jon started wanting sex at the weirdest times. We would be driving down the road in bad traffic and it would set him off. He would look at me and say, “If I had a Hummer right now, this would be a lot easier.”