Confessions of a Military Wife (35 page)

PEEPING TOM

The cruise was the best vacation Jon and I had ever had. We finally relaxed. No more deployments faced us. We felt like newlyweds and were acting like them, too.

After a fun afternoon at the pool, we would go up to our room to shower and change. We had this amazing room with a balcony and would fall asleep with the window open listening to the sounds of the ocean. I kept the curtains open so I could see the open sea.

After rinsing off one afternoon I ran out of the shower buck naked and started running around the room like a wild woman. I started doing jumping jacks and various exercises to make Jon laugh.

He peeked his head out of the bathroom to watch me, and his eyes went wide. The next thing I knew, he jumped out of the bathroom and plowed right over me. For a split second I thought it was some sort of weird sexual advance, but kept going, shouting like a mad man.

As I watched from ground level, Jon grabbed the curtains and pulled them shut. He turned around with a horrified look on his face and said, “Someone was out there on the balcony WATCHING YOU!”

He turned back to look through a tiny section of the curtain. He was totally freaked out.

Jon is so modest he would prefer to jump overboard rather than face the fact someone had been peeping in on us.

I got up to look and spotted someone out on the balcony, but he didn’t have a pair of binoculars or a camera. He was washing windows, dancing to the music coming from his headphones.

Scrubbing away at his railing, this guy obviously had no idea I was in my room doing nude Jazzercise. Excuse me, the
ship’s
railing (just in case you interpreted that as a metaphor for something perverted).

Jon watched him until he moved on a full five minutes later.

For the rest of the cruise, Jon gave all the janitors and crew on the ship the stink eye. He was convinced they were all looking at me as if I was not wearing any clothes.

The ocean view just wasn’t the same for the remainder of the cruise. But I did get a great idea for a new type of exercise video.

GET THE FACTS:

Find out the true symptoms of PTSD. Don’t fall for these tricks like I did.

∗ The smell from taking out the trash does not lead to flashbacks;

∗ Playing Wii an entire weekend is not a positive coping mechanism;

∗ Despite what he tells you, the FDA does not guarantee giving him oral sex before bed will cure nightmares.

Ok, so it’s been a few weeks. You’ve been on vacation and have had your family reunion. The kids are sleeping in their own beds. Your husand is back at work. The excitement has worn off.

Now you think as you look at him, “Who is this stranger in my house?”

Basically, you’re done being nice. You’ve done everything for at least the past seven months—paid the bills, taken out the trash, done the dishes, shopping, yard work, everything. Even during the first few weeks after his return, you continue doing all these tasks.

Your husband feels a bit worthless as he watches you buzz around the house like a queen bee. You need to realize men need to feel important. You need to put this man back to work as a member of the household. But do it the right way.

You must slowly get him used to sharing responsibilities again. You’re the matriarch. This is your home. You know how it runs.

Although your man may not be facing another deployment, he is still in the military and has many responsibilities. You need to make the major chores your responsibilities.

Here is the key. Give him simple tasks that you know he can complete without screwing up. Have your man do things like take the trash out or carry a basket of dirty laundry down the steps for you.

Don’t even think about allowing him to do the laundry. You know that will be a disaster. He’ll mess it up even though he is trying to help. And you will be a nasty bitch complaining because he didn’t do it the way you do it.

This is the stage in the reunion adjustment period where you both start to get nasty.

This is where I have a beef with the DIs (Drill Instructors) out there. I have noticed Marines do not listen to a word their wives say unless we scream at them. You can’t gently and calmly request your Marine to do something around the house. He won’t respond.

I would go so far as to say they don’t even hear you unless you go into DI mode. The DIs have trained these men to respond to certain tones and inflections. They block out everything else.

If you want them to do something you have to get in their face screaming, “3, 2, 1! ON YOUR FEET!”

“Get up right now and take out the trash.”

“NO!”

“Do it right! Get it back.”

“GET IT BACK!”

“ZERO!”

It is bizarre, I admit. I still feel really weird when I have to do it.

Your main argument with your man once you’re back to normal becomes, “You’re not doing enough around here to help!”

And when you give him something to do, you find yourself yelling, “You don’t do it right, so I will just do it myself!”

Ladies, if these men are constantly being told they can’t do it right, they will stop offering to help. Ask yourself this: when he stops wanting to help, where will you be?

Pick your battles wisely. Be patient. Give your husband chores that will make him feel like he is needed and part of the family without overwhelming both of you or the balance of the home.

Ladies, in military life you hold the power in your home. You call the shots. Most importantly, you are responsible for maintaining the balance there.

I remember Jon wanted to do some things, so he offered to unload the dishwasher. I thought I would have a heart attack as I stood their watching him handling my dishes. He was putting cups away next to the soup bowls, and forks next to the cups.

I wanted to scream, “What is your damn problem? Did you ever live here? Quit fucking up my kitchen! Do you even know where anything goes? The colander doesn’t go next to the baking sheets! You are a moron! How is it you can search all over Iraq for weapon caches, but you can’t take a second to find out where the damn soup bowls go?”

I simmered as I watched him, curse words ready to fly. And then I remembered: he knows about as much about a kitchen as I know about Iraq.

I’m not going to say we didn’t get into it at various times because we did. I simply learned to pick my battles.

A lot of wives complained about how their husbands interacted with their babies and small kids. Children can go through a lot of changes in six months and dads miss a lot. Routines and responsibilities change. Take the time to incorporate dad into the new structure at home.

A common complaint I heard from my girlfriends was, “He wiped the baby wrong, bathed the baby wrong, burped the baby wrong.” These wives were fired up.

A week later I would hear, “He never wants to help with the baby.”

You think?

Adjusting to having Jon at home was frustrating and exhausting. Sometimes I felt like there was a child in my home but, Lord knows I was thankful that he was there.

Many of us put too much emphasis on our homes because it was the only thing we could control and make stable and safe during the deployment. It was an effort to let go of that control, but Jon also needed a sense of belonging.

Take deep breaths before blowing your cool over how he does something. Just be thankful he’s home.

SEPARATION ANXIETY

After Jon’s second deployment we were both experiencing the effects of wartime deployments. I went through a phase where I could not go anywhere without Jon. He could go to work and I could go the commissary and I’d be fine.

But after work or on the weekends I wanted him to be with me. I could not go to the bank, Wal-Mart, or even to the mall. If it was off base, I wanted him with me. If we were on base we were “safe.”

I even had to go with him if he needed to take a trip to Lowe’s.

It was all very subtle; no Xanax needed. I wasn’t having panic attacks or irrational fears. I just wanted to stay physically close to Jon. I know it was because we had been separated for so long and I was afraid to lose him again. And I wanted every minute back that we had lost.

I didn’t even realize the extent I was doing this until months later when I actually went to the mall or bank alone.

It took me months to overcome the panic of two consecutive deployments. It took time to trust that we could be in separate places at the same time and that no one was in danger.

It also took me months to be secure enough to go someplace without him. I remembered one day driving to the store alone and thinking, “I am OK with this. I actually left Jon at the house and am going by myself to the store.”

I remember smiling and thinking a new leaf had been turned over.

Jon went through personality adjustments as well. He became extremely forgetful and seemed to have no short-term memory. You can call it what you want—PTSD, combat stress, whatever. Jon and I were different people after those two years.

It took a while to redefine ourselves, but we did it together. And our love for each other is stronger because we survived those changes.

The wives had been very supportive of one another—until the guys came back. Then we started to get a little catty.

I don’t know if it was because we were all getting laid regularly, but I suspect it may have been the competition over the gifts our husbands brought home.

One wife at a barbecue would start, “My husband brought me back gold from Bahrain,” which was countered by, “My husband brought me back opals from Australia!” That was topped by, “My husband brought me black pearls from Hawaii!”

But there was always that one lady who ruined it for everyone when she piped up, “My husband brought me Chlamydia from Singapore.”

It gets awkward when you’re together again and your husband meets your “wives.” You have shared so much, but now that your husband is back the communication between you and your “wives” has stopped, and you miss them. When your friends have become your surrogate spouse or “new wife,” you can have some serious misunderstandings. Sometimes wives can expect a little too much from each other, or jealousy over intimacy arises when the guys come back. It’s not even in a co-dependent way, but more like siblings fighting.

It’s hard for some spouses to let go when the true spouse returns and the friendship is not what it used to be. Maybe a wife stops calling or wanting to hang out. Or another wife comes to you complaining about her husband, which makes you feel weird because you can’t relate.

Some men have trouble slipping back into their role of being a husband. Many are content to act as if they are a guest in their own home, letting the wife run the house and raise the kids while her friends play the role of spouse.

Remember, ladies, you are only treated the way you allow yourself to be treated.

These are military guys. They are used to taking orders, not deciphering clues. Say exactly what you want and expect from them. Jon and I had way too many arguments over his inability to read my mind.

I remember when Beenie was pregnant for the second time. Lloyd was a little freaked out because he had missed the birth of their first daughter. Pregnancy and giving birth were old hat to Beenie, but Lloyd was unsure what to do or what role to play.

When Beenie went into labor, Lloyd called me from the Naval Hospital. He was whispering, “Mollie, I think you should come up here. I think Beenie hates me. I think she’d rather have you here.”

I scolded him and told him, “Lloyd, it’s your turn! Get back in there and rub her back and arms and give her some encouragement, damn it!” I ordered him to go be a husband and a daddy!

I hung up on him. I had to issue a little tough love.

Lloyd ended up doing just fine. And they were glad to share the experience.

The biggest transition for me was that once Jon was home our marriage was just us again. While he was gone, I had had all these women involved in my life. We had shared everything.

But when it was just Jon and me, my girlfriends were no longer a part of my marriage and day-to-day life. They were just my friends again.

I have to admit that my girlfriends knew more about me and my feelings than my husband had learned in our first four years of my marriage. They provided advice for decisions and comfort when I was struggling.

It was very difficult to give that up and transfer those roles back to my husband. If fact, it took years.

GET OUT

Although I had separation anxiety when John left the base without me to run errands, I was conflicted about wanting my own space around the house. I had had enough of our time together. After two weeks of spending every minute together, I asked if he had some place to go. He was a little shocked.

I felt bad, but what I really wanted to yell, “I love you, but GET OUT! I need Bunco and girl time!”

I couldn’t remember the last walk I had had with Michelle, the last date with Autumn, a phone call with Beenie, or my last conversation with Natalie and Liz.

Although I remembered being sad and miserable while he was gone, there is this weird point after the reunion when you start to miss that alone time.

I wanted that time when I could just do nothing, with no one to clean up after or cook for. I wanted the time when I could watch my shows or movies whenever I decided.

Take my advice: do not tell your husband you miss being alone. You’re adjusting to having his company again. The only people who will understand are the other wives who have gone through the same thing. Everyone else will think you are a complete asshole. You’re not.

So, it was time for a Bunco night. I needed some girl time after weeks of testosterone. I called Autumn and suggested a reunion Bunco.

The husbands moaned and whined: “But what will we do all night while you’re gone?”

“HA! Try it for seven months. You’ll figure it out!”

(We weren’t that cruel, though.)

Lloyd stepped up and offered to host a poker night for the guys at his house.