Conscience (The Bellator Saga Book 2) (35 page)

She started researching other topics too. How to build an effective firewall. How to tap into existing wireless networks. How to
really
wipe the slate clean after an internet session. She found a few chatrooms, message boards, and websites and started to learn the coded language. It hadn’t been that hard to pick up; she’d been a drug prosecutor and many of the ideas behind the terminology were the same. She had some experience with IT issues and knew that nothing could be completely wiped from existence, but felt compelled to prepare herself. Just in case.

Caroline tried to express her fears to Jack, who dismissed them almost immediately. She was concerned that it was a nightmare scenario; he told her she was jumping to conclusions. She thought it was potentially an inside job; he thought it was merely a tragedy, albeit on a grander scale than most. She got worked up; he said to calm down. Discouraged by his continual dismissals, she lost her temper one evening and they ended up having a knockdown, drag out fight. One of the worst she could remember. She ended up storming out of the room, pissed off enough to sleep in a guest bedroom that night. She felt terribly guilty about that after the fact.

A week after the argument, Jack was still emotionally distant. Caroline knew he was considering what she said, not wanting to believe it. But he’d felt that way ever since the convention. It would take a lot for him to admit that she was right, not because he didn’t want to concede the point but because he would be apprehensive as to what it would mean for the future of the nation. At times Caroline thought she was being overly dramatic, but she was convinced that her instincts were correct. She just had to find the proof.

She sat at her desk, rubbing her forehead. Her office was down the hall from Jack’s. He’d wanted it that way; no one had really confirmed it, but she had taken on the role of an unofficial policy advisor and was called in to staff meetings from time to time. This didn’t seem to bother anyone aside from the lieutenant governor, who appeared to think that his role was diminished. Which was true, but Jack and Caroline were much too nice to say it to his face. The LG knew what he was. He and Caroline were both glorified figureheads. Placeholders. Window dressing. No need to fool anyone about it. The only major difference between them: he’d actually been on the ballot.

Fifty feet separated their office spaces, but Caroline hadn’t seen Jack all day. She thought about picking up the phone but didn’t. She missed him. They weren’t fighting, not really, but she missed him desperately. There were times when she’d be lying in bed next to him, listening to him breathe, wishing she could get closer to him, missing him even though he was right there. Jack was right; she wasn’t codependent. But she’d still come to depend on him more than anyone else, and that scared the shit out of her.

She told herself that she should go upstairs, eat some dinner, do something with the rest of her evening. She was tempted to go see him but wasn’t sure what to say. They’d slept together that morning and Jack had been so tender, so kind, so loving…but then afterward he showered quickly, got dressed, and left the bedroom without saying a word. She wondered what he was thinking. Caroline impulsively picked up the phone and dialed his extension instead of walking down the hall, realizing her cowardice.

Jack picked up on the first ring. “Hey, baby,” he said.

“Are you mad at me?”

He laughed. “Why would you think that?”

“You haven’t spoken to me all day.”

“I’ve been doing chief executive stuff, sweetheart. I have responsibilities, you know.”

He tried to sound light. She didn’t buy it. “That’s never been a problem before.”

“Why didn’t you walk down the hall to tell me this?”

“I didn’t – I thought you might be busy.”

“I am. But I’m never too busy to talk to you. I didn’t realize I hadn’t checked in on you today.” He sighed audibly. “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t expect you to check in on me. It’s probably silly for me to be upset just because I haven’t seen you in a few hours,” Caroline said. “You’re the governor. You have shit to do. I’ll let you get back to work.”

“Caroline, I’ve been sitting at my desk the last hour, pretending to work and thinking about you. I thought maybe you were avoiding me, not the other way around. I had no idea you were still downstairs. Have you eaten yet?”

“No.”

“Have you eaten at all today?”

“I had lunch.”

“Are you hungry?”

Her stomach had growled a couple of times but she still didn’t feel like eating. “Not really.”

Jack’s voice softened. “I’m sorry that you thought I was mad at you. I swear I’m not. I’m-”

He sounded hesitant. “What?” she asked.

“Why don’t you come over here so we can talk?”

“Okay.” Caroline hung up the phone and ran down the hall into his office. The door was open and she shut it behind her. One could never be too careful.

Jack gave her a knowing smile. “That was quick.”

“Did you want me to linger over the decision?”

“No. Come on over to the couch and we’ll talk. I need a break anyway.” They sat down and he put his arm around her. “What’s really bothering you, sweetheart?”

“You were kind of brusque this morning,” she said. “After we…you left and didn’t say anything.”

“You don’t think me moaning your name into your ear was worth noting?”

“That’s not what I mean, Jack. You seemed in such a hurry to get out of there.”

“I had an early meeting. I wasn’t trying to be rude.”

Caroline gave him a hard look.

“I should have said goodbye,” he conceded.

“I feel like things are weird between us,” she whispered. “Ever since I talked to you about-”

“Don’t say it. I mean it. Let that bullshit go.”

“I can’t. I’m hearing stories, reading websites, and I know-”

“You don’t know anything, sweetheart. You are being paranoid. This is tinfoil hat territory and you shouldn’t be indulging in it.”

“I think the conspiracy theorists may be on to something this time. I-”

“Drop it, Caroline,” he said firmly.

“Stop interrupting me,
Jack
,” Caroline said, in exactly the same tone. “You need to listen.”

“No, you need to stop acting like you’re a rabid dog with a fucking mouse in its teeth. Where on earth does this random cynicism and hatred come from? That’s not the Caroline I know.”

“Do you trust my judgment?”

The question caught him off guard. “What?”

“Do you?”

Jack took her hand and looked her square in the eyes. “Yes. Yes I do.”

She finally had his attention. She had to make the most of her opportunity. “When have I ever been wrong about something like this?  When have I ever even said something like this before, about anyone?”

“Caroline-”

“Was I wrong about Murdock?”

“No,” he said softly. “But that’s not the same thing.”

“I know it’s not. This is much worse. He’s up to something, Jack. Santos is not to be trusted. I knew it when I met him at the convention. He picked Gunderson as his VP and I know he’s waiting to do more. Something else. He’s trying to fool the country, lull us all into a false sense of security.”

She listened to herself. The words sounded illogical, irrational. Downright kooky. And Jack would reiterate all his old arguments, dismissing her fears as unfounded, just as Ellen and Christine had. She waited impatiently for the other shoe to fall, but instead he started rubbing her palm. He only did that when he knew she was stressed.

“Have you talked to Jen or Katie about this?” he asked. “I know you had a little vent session with Christine and Ellen.”

Things were getting interesting in Washington. Nothing had really happened per se, but the atmosphere had shifted. Jen hadn’t been able to articulate it well the last time they chatted, but Caroline knew what she was trying to say. “Jenny has a bad feeling too, but I don’t think she really believes anything is wrong. I don’t want to say too much to Katie. Not yet.” She swallowed hard. “I know you think I’m wrong, Jack. I’m some silly woman who’s been spending too much time reading dystopian fiction. But this has been gnawing at me. I can’t explain it. And I hope I’m wrong, I really do.”

“You’re not a silly woman,” Jack said. “I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. But let’s explore the hypotheticals here. What if you’re right?”

“What do you mean?”

“You think Santos had something to do with Hendricks’ death. Is that correct?”

Among other things. She feared that was just the tip of the iceberg. “Yes.”

“You know that sounds crazy.”

Her theories weren’t terribly easy to rationalize. Not yet. She knew damn well how she sounded. “Yes.”

“But you still think you’re right.”

“It’s crazy enough to make complete sense.”

“Have you told anyone else this theory?”

“No,” Caroline said. “I’ve been waiting until I had proof.”

“Do you have any proof?”

She’d been working on it. She had some leads, but didn’t feel comfortable sharing them with Jack. She knew he’d tell her to stop digging around. “No.”

“How do you think you’re going to get proof? You think it’s floating out there on the internet, waiting to be found? Cover-ups are hard to discover for a reason.”

“There has to be something there, Jack. I used to be a civil servant. You wouldn’t believe the kind of shit we’d reduce to writing. And some agencies think they’re so safe that you’d be shocked as to what they’d do if they believed they’d never get caught.”

“So it’s not just Santos now, it’s the entire federal government?”

Caroline pulled away from him. “You don’t believe me. That’s fine. You can stop haranguing me about it. I get it.”

Jack sighed and shifted back toward her. “Caroline, listen to yourself. Your credibility is on the line here. You have to be very careful about what you do with your time, what you say to people, what you let slip when you don’t realize it. What are you going to do about this?”

“I’m going to find the proof I need.”

“And what will it take for you to let it go?”

“I don’t know,” she said quietly.

“What if you’re wrong?”

“I would be thrilled to be wrong. And it terrifies me to think I might be right. And I know it scares you too.”

Jack took her hand and started rubbing it again, avoiding her eyes. “You have to decide whether you want to do this. You are very high profile. You are a trusted public figure. You have to watch your behavior, particularly as it pertains to anything that might cause someone to question your loyalty to the United States and its current leadership.” His gaze met hers. “And if you are right, you are extremely dangerous to anyone who might want to undermine the stability of this nation’s government. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

His implication was clear as crystal. “You believe me,” she said. “You know I’m right. I know you don’t want to believe it, Jack.”

“I don’t. But I’ve been hearing things…probably very similar to what you have. God help us if what you’re saying is true. But you have no proof, sweetheart. And you have to decide whether it’s worth the cost to try to figure it out.”

“What are you saying? We sit back and do nothing because we’re fortunate enough to have a certain amount of authority ourselves? That’s really selfish.”

Jack pulled his hand back. “You think I feel this way because I’m being selfish?”

Caroline winced. One of his greatest insecurities and she’d gone for it right away. “I didn’t mean it that way.”

“Yes, you did.”

He sounded incredibly hurt. She’d taken all the doubts creeping up on her over the past several weeks and thrown them in his face. She knew better. “I didn’t. I know that’s a sore point for you and I hit it. Please don’t take it that way.” Caroline leaned into his shoulder, and Jack slowly brought his arms around her. It took a hell of a lot longer than it should have.

“Okay,” he said. “I won’t.”

“We have power,” she said. “Money. Privilege. And we have very loud, influential voices. If this is truly happening we can’t let it go.”

“I don’t want you to put yourself at risk, sweetheart. That’s all I meant. So help me if that makes me a selfish man. I don’t want you to fight this battle. Why can’t someone else do it?” He squeezed her tighter. “Never mind. I know the answer to that question.”

Caroline smiled shyly. “Am I that predictable?”

Jack started stroking her hair. “I don’t want you to be right about this,” he whispered. “I really don’t.”

“I don’t want to be right either. But I can’t let this go. Not yet. And I need to know that even if you don’t want to hear about it, you aren’t resenting me for it.”

“I’ll try harder. All right?” He tipped her chin up and kissed her lightly on the lips. “You want to call it a night?”

A tempting idea. She could take a hint. “Sure.”

But as they made their way upstairs to their bedroom, the cloud still hung over them. Caroline knew it wouldn’t dissipate for a very, very long time.