Conscience (The Bellator Saga Book 2) (5 page)

“No,” she whispered.

“Now it’s your turn to be honest with me,” he said. “If I’d told you this spring that I was thinking of running for governor, would you have pulled away or gotten closer?”

They both knew the answer to that question. “Probably the former,” she said quietly. “No, definitely the former.”

“You were so fragile back then. Maybe you don’t remember. I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing and scaring you away. I knew you weren’t there yet. You were mourning Nick. Hell, you still are. I wanted you to be able to deal with your grief. And I was desperate to hold on to the chance, no matter how small, that there might eventually be a place for me in your life.”

Jack wiped his eyes and brought a hand to her cheek. “I fell in love with you the night we met, Caroline. I loved you then and I love you now. And I’m scared stiff at the prospect of living the rest of my life without you. I don’t want to run for governor. I don’t need it. I need you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. Please forgive me, sweetheart. I’ll do whatever it takes to get you back.”

Caroline smiled. “How many times did you practice that speech in your head?”

He smiled back at her. “Too many. I spent a lot of time in the hospital chapel while you were in surgery. And I said a lot of it to you before, remember?”

“Maybe it’s the drugs talking, but that sounded really good. I should have listened better the first time you said it.”

“I meant every word.”

“I know.” Caroline reached up to stroke the hand at her cheek. “Jack, I want you to think long and hard about whether you want to give up this opportunity. It might not come around again.”

“I don’t care. You’re much more important.”

He’d give up everything for her. He’d abandon his entire fortune, his house, his cars, his promising political career…just for her. He’d throw away a golden ticket because he thought it would make her happy. She couldn’t let him do that without some serious reflection.

“I appreciate that,” she said. “You know I do. But I want you to take a little time before you rule it out. There aren’t any other Republicans in the race yet. The nomination is yours if you want it. They’re waiting on you. The Democrats don’t have any major players in Pennsylvania who would be able to compete against you. You have some time to play with.”

“Are you really engaging in political analysis from a hospital bed? How many blogs have you started reading since our disagreement?”

“I’m asking you to stop and think about it objectively. A lot has happened today, you’re dealing with a myriad of emotions, and you need to take some time to deal with them. We’ll figure it out.”

“Together?” His voice sounded cautiously hopeful.

“Yes.”

He kissed her forehead. “You just made me very, very happy.”

“I had this moment earlier when I realized that all my fear wasn’t worth it anymore. You’ve been keeping me calm, reassuring me, loving me, when you could have easily detached yourself and been rid of me.”

“I would never do that,” Jack said. “It took me far too long to find you.”

He’d spent most of the evening opening up in ways he never had before. It was only fair to return the favor. “Maybe I need to work on being more confident in your feelings for me. I shouldn’t be so hung up on whether or not I’m able to handle loving and losing someone again. I’ve been so out of whack that I forgot how much joy you’ve brought into my life. I do want to be happy, Jack, and I want to be happy with you. I’m sorry it had to take me getting hurt in order to figure it out.”

“You scared the shit out of me today. You know that, right?”

“Believe me, sitting on a cold floor bleeding all over my bestie wasn’t my idea of a party.”

“That’s not even remotely funny,” Jack scolded. “I’m very torn between trying not to dwell on what happened and what I would have done if you’d been more seriously injured to being in absolute awe of the courage and strength it must have taken for you to have done what you did.”

Maybe he was a little more traumatized than he cared to admit. They’d have to deal with that later. “I reacted. It was a reflex. That’s all.”

“It’s more than that. You might not see it, but I can guarantee everyone else does.”

She blushed. “Jack, really. First the nurse and now you. Can we lay off the adulation for a while? It happened. And now it’s over. We can move on.”

“I don’t want to move on. I don’t want to forget how I felt when I was sitting in that waiting room and praying for you in the chapel. I don’t ever want to get that close to losing you ever again. I love you, Caroline.”

“I love you too,” she said, doing her best to squeeze his hand.

“You are my heart, my soul, my treasure,” Jack said. “You and your daughters are my primary concern. I want to readjust my priorities. I want to make a permanent commitment.”

Caroline knew where he was going. She knew what a logical, rational woman would feel at the idea of risking her heart again. At the prospect of losing another husband. At the ridiculous notion that they would consider marriage after only a few months of knowing one another. But she felt oddly calm. “That sounds like some sort of proposal,” she said.

“Do you want it to be?”

“It’s not even the slightest bit romantic. You act almost as if it’s a business transaction. Except that treasure thing, that was pretty decent.”

He laughed. “Would you like me to rephrase the question? I’ve never done this before, you know.”

“I know. And might I also add, I think you’re crazy for asking.”

“Are you saying no?”

“I am
not
saying no. I think it’s a phenomenal idea. Although we both may be insane for considering it.”

“Maybe that’s why we belong together.”

She smiled. “Maybe. I do think you should ask my children for their permission first. I’m traditional like that.”

Jack tilted his head. “Is this some sort of tradition that I’ve never heard of before?”

“I just made it up right now.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s the complete opposite of tradition.”

“Details, details.” Caroline was getting a little punchy. The morphine was starting to do its job.

Jack smiled at her. “How are those painkillers working out for you?”

“Very nicely, thank you.”

“Fine with me,” he said. “Your tradition gives me a chance to get you some jewelry to go along with said business transaction. As collateral, you understand.”

“Absolutely. I’m a big fan of the Uniform Commercial Code.” Caroline squeezed Jack’s hand again. “We’ll talk to the girls. I’m warning you, if you get me a ring both of them may want a pony. Especially Sophie.”

Jack laughed and kissed her on the lips. “Fortunately for you, I know a guy.”

The Past

They talked for hours that night. About Caroline’s fear of remarriage, about Jack’s reluctance to run for governor, about how they needed to learn to communicate better. A fruitful discussion, though Caroline still had her reservations about walking down the aisle again. They turned to less intensive topics. How much Jack had missed her. What they wanted to do once she got out of the hospital. Whether or not Jack could get away with having his way with her in the reclining bed when the nurses weren’t looking.

All their secret fears and private wishes came rushing from their lips in a never ending stream. The dam broke. It was easier now, to verbalize those feelings instead of leaving them hanging in the air. They didn’t have to say everything in one night. They had time. But it still took a while for Caroline to convince Jack that conversation wasn’t the best use of her recovery time.

She spent most of the early morning hours adjusting her bed to a workable position, succeeding right before the sun came up. Her arm still hurt but it felt much better than it had a few hours ago. She hadn’t slept well. She never did when she was in an unfamiliar bed, especially when said bed was in one of her least favorite places. She made Jack move over to the couch instead of trying to nod off on her stomach again. He wanted to stay close to her and she didn’t have the heart to tell him that the weight of his head on her lower abdomen was a little painful and a lot distracting. She knew he’d sleep better if he were laying down. The sunlight began to peek through the blinds on the window when Caroline heard a soft knock on the door. She glanced over at the couch. Jack didn’t stir.

“Come in,” she said, careful to keep her voice low enough so he could sleep a little longer.

Christine poked her head in. She looked as if she hadn’t slept a wink. “Hi.” She opened the door all the way and walked inside with a large bouquet of wildflowers in her hands. “The girls and Tom are in the hallway. I wanted to make sure you were awake.”

Caroline smiled. “Obviously.”

Christine stopped a few steps short of where Caroline was sitting. The hand holding the flowers was trembling slightly. Oh, boy. This could go either way. “Chrissy-”

“Do you want me to go get the girls? I’ll go get them.” Christine set the bouquet down on the rolling table next to the bed and started to scurry back toward the door.

At least she hadn’t thrown the flowers. Yet. “Chrissy, wait. Are they okay?”

Christine turned around. “They want to see you.”

“I want to see them. But I want to talk to you too.”

Christine looked at the sling on Caroline’s arm, failing to hide her distress. “You need to see your children first.”

“I know that.”

“Tom will bring them in, and then we’ll give you all some privacy, okay?”

Caroline wasn’t entirely surprised that Christine was acting this way but it was still annoying. “Okay.”

Christine practically ran out of the room and shortly thereafter, Marguerite and Tom came in. Tom held Sophie in his arms, her head resting against his shoulder. Marguerite carried a small bag. Both girls appeared petrified but their faces brightened as soon as they saw the look on their mother’s face.

Caroline smiled as tears sprang to her eyes. “Hi, guys.”

Marguerite ran over to the bed then skidded short, her eyes wide and uncertain.

Caroline reached toward her. “Just be a little careful of the sling, Mo. But I could really use a hug.”

Marguerite let out a little cry as she put her arms around her mother’s neck. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

“I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” Caroline hugged her as closely as she could. “I’m sorry the rest of camp got ruined.”

Marguerite pulled back. “It’s not a big deal,” she said unsteadily, eyeing her mother’s sling and IV.

Caroline kissed the back of Marguerite’s hand. “I mean it. I’m going to be fine, Mo Mo.”

“Are you in any pain?”

She shook her head no. “I’m very happy to see you. You know how emotional my people are.”

Marguerite looked over at the couch. “Jack’s still here.”

He was dead to the world, his tie draped over his face. Caroline would have given her good arm for a camera. “I finally convinced him to get some sleep, so we probably should be a little quiet.” She grinned at Sophie, who beamed back at her. “Where’s my munchkin?”

Tom set Sophie down on the floor next to Marguerite and leaned over to kiss Caroline. Sophie reached over to grab her mother’s fingers.

“Hi, Punky,” Tom said. “How are you feeling?”

“Very good, now that all of you are here.”

Tom gave her good arm a light pat. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

He looked like he was about to start crying too. She had to nip that in the bud. “Don’t get weepy now, or all of Christine’s influence will go to waste.”

He shook his head but she could see the laughter in his eyes. “You’re terrible,” he said.

Caroline cleared her throat. “Thank you for getting the girls from camp.”

“It was nothing.”

“It was.” She could sweeten the pot, make him cheer up a little. “I owe you cookies.”

He grinned. “That’s all? You just insulted my wife.”

“You’ve given me lessons on the subject.”

“True.” He smiled at her again. “I
am
running low on Johnnie Walker Blue. In case you were curious.”

Fair enough. Not cheap, but well worth it. “Deal,” she said.

Tom tipped his head toward the door. “I couldn’t get Chrissy to come back in here with us. I’m sorry. You know how she is.”

Of course he’d picked up on it too. He knew his wife better than anyone.

“I figured as much when she was in here a minute ago,” Caroline said. “Your wife is being difficult. As usual.”

“Don’t ask how I got through last night. I had to hide all your knives.”

There were only two people in the world who could successfully calm Christine down, and one of them was stuck in a hospital bed. That meant Tom was left with the task. Maybe Caroline owed him more than just a bottle of whiskey.

“Why don’t you two go get a cup of coffee so she can decompress?” she suggested.

“Sounds like a plan. I’ll be back in a bit.” He turned to Marguerite and Sophie. “Keep an eye on your mom while I’m gone.”

Caroline slid over on the bed, motioning for Sophie to climb up next to her. She carefully wrapped her arm around her youngest daughter and kissed her forehead. “My baby girl. How are you, Feef?”

“Are you okay? Really okay?”

She squeezed her tighter. “I am. I might have to stay here another day or two but I’m going to be fine. How was camp?” she asked, even though she’d been up to visit a few weeks before.

“It was fun. Can we go back next year?”

“Sure.” Caroline nuzzled Sophie’s hair. “Did you take care of your big sister for me?”

Marguerite laughed. “I told you. I barely saw her once she got to be best buddies with all the other rug rats in her cabin.”

“We’re not rug rats.” Sophie stuck her tongue out at her sister. “I’m sad I didn’t get to say goodbye to them.”

“We had to leave awfully quickly,” Marguerite said.

Caroline flushed with guilt. “I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s not your fault.” Marguerite held up the bag she’d been carrying. “We brought you something.”

It seemed awkward to leave Marguerite standing there while Sophie got to snuggle next to her. Caroline gestured toward the foot of the bed. “Mo, why don’t you sit down?”

“Will it hurt you?”

“I don’t think this bed is designed for three people, but until a nurse comes in and yells at us, let’s roll with it.”

Marguerite handed the bag to Sophie. “Show mom what you got her.”

“I hope you like it.” Sophie delved into the bag, pulling out a blue stuffed hippopotamus.

Marguerite snapped the tag off its ear and handed it back to her sister. “Just protecting you, Soph. We don’t want mom injuring herself and filing a lawsuit against you and the toy people for negligence.”

“Do you want to go ahead and apply to law school now, or wait?” Caroline asked.

“I’ll wait.”

Sophie held it up. “Do you like him? He’s pretty. I thought he could take care of you while you were here.”

Caroline tucked the hippo under her sling then put her arm back around Sophie. She loved hippopotamuses. They were her favorite animals at the zoo. “I think he’ll do a great job. Thank you, sweetheart.” She turned to her older daughter. “You didn’t get me anything, Mo?”

“My undying love isn’t enough?”

“Didn’t I send you to camp so you could learn good values? Where did you learn to be so obnoxious?”

Sophie laughed. “She gets it from you, mommy.”

Caroline heard a rustling on the couch. “Uh oh,” she said. “We woke up Jack.”

Marguerite winced. “Is that okay?”

“I’m sure it’s fine.”

“He was really great yesterday,” she said.

“Good. I’m glad he was there for you when you needed him.”

“He gives good hugs,” Sophie said. “I think he likes you.”

Marguerite chuckled. “I think he more than likes her, Soph.”

Caroline gave Marguerite a hard look. “Quiet, Mo. We’ll talk about that later.”

Her eldest daughter didn’t bother hiding her smirk. “I’m just glad you took my advice.”

Caroline leaned back into her pillow. She wanted to throw in a comment about having a bratty eleven year old, but was pleased that the girls didn’t seem to be upset by her relationship with Jack. In fact, they seemed more than happy about it. She wasn’t about to take that for granted. Jack sat up on the couch and yawned. His hair was a mess and his shirt was untucked. “Nice of you to join us,” she said.

He stumbled over to the chair by the bed and sat down. “Morning.”

“You should go home and get some rest later today,” Caroline told him.

He rubbed his eyes and patted Sophie and Marguerite on the leg. “You two do okay last night?”

Marguerite smiled. “It could have been worse.” She hopped off the bed to give him a quick hug. “Thank you for staying with mom.”

Sophie was playing with her mother’s fingers again, careful not to touch the IV. “Thank you, Jack,” she said softly.

“Anytime.” He ruffled Sophie’s hair. “Where are Christine and Tom?”

Caroline wasn’t sure that Christine wanted to see Jack this early in the morning, but if she was going to have visitors, she may as well have them all stuffed in her room at once. “Getting a much needed cup of coffee. Want to go find them for me?”

“Sure.” He leaned over to kiss Caroline on the cheek. “I’ll be back.”

Marguerite sat back on the bed once Jack left. “Kissy kissy, huh?”

Caroline rolled her eyes. “I should be giving you a hard time for being so mean to me but I’m happy you seem to like him.”

“I do like him,” said Marguerite.

“I do too.” Sophie let go of her mother’s hand and started absently tugging on Caroline’s hair, one of her favorite pastimes. She never pulled hard enough to hurt. “He’s nice.”

“Good.” Caroline leaned closer to Sophie so she wouldn’t have to stretch so far. “So, tell me all about camp.”

*              *              *              *              *

Caroline snuggled contentedly in her bed at home. Not the hospital. She was quite happy indeed to be back in her own room surrounded by her own things. The only drawback was the pain. Morphine was wonderful, but she didn’t tolerate oral narcotic medications well. Now that said morphine was easing its way out of her system, she ached a little more than she thought she would. Maybe the extra strength ibuprofen would kick in and she’d feel better. 

Jack surprised her with a bath after she was discharged. Caroline probably would have enjoyed it a little more if her arm wasn’t in a giant cast, but Jack got a kick out of it. Christine made a snide comment warning them to keep their hands off each other, but that was pretty hard to do when you were bathing someone.

They did their best to behave responsibly. Jack only kissed her a few dozen times and only once or twice in places that might be considered inappropriate and therefore highly pleasurable. And what he did to her with the washcloth…well, technically, he didn’t use his hands. Directly.

As he pointed out, she needed to relax. Mission accomplished. Hopefully she hadn’t been too loud. Jack covered her mouth with his hand when she started to scream, which made her come even harder. She’d have to ask him to do that more often.

She was lying comfortably post-bath among a pile of soft pillows, the stuffed hippo next to her. The girls were downstairs playing a game with Jack. Caroline promised them some movie musicals if they gave her a little privacy for a while. She asked Jack to tell Christine to come upstairs after he helped her get dressed.

Chrissy had barely spoken five words to her since their first interaction in the hospital. Though she knew it wasn’t personal, Caroline felt a little hurt anyway. If she wanted to talk to Christine about it, she’d have to milk some sympathy first. When they were alone. She heard quick steps pounding up the staircase.