Consumed (Addicted to You Book 1) (10 page)

“Not good,” he was honest. “You can probably tell.”

I didn’t want to tell him that I could. I didn’t want him to think he looked that rough. However, if I were honest, a cop would assume he’d been on drugs for quite some time simply because of his appearance. He looked pretty bad.

“not really,” I lied, hoping to make him feel better. “why are you here?”

“I needed my fix,” he laughed. “Actually, I miss you,” he confessed, moving towards where I sat and finding a spot beside me.

“I miss you too,” I agreed.

“I made a mistake Avery,” He told me, taking a hand in his. “The biggest mistake I’ve ever made.”

“Yes,” I nodded. “Yes, you did.”

“Please forgive me,” he pleaded. “Please take me back.”

“Don’t be dumb Ave,” I heard Colby yell from the kitchen. “He already hurt you once.”

I knew she was right. If Spencer had been any other guy there’d have been no hesitation in my answer. I would have firmly said no. I knew the odds of a second chance working out when the first didn’t. But he wasn’t just any guy. He was Spencer. He was my soul mate. And my heart wasn’t going to give me a choice.

“Why should I?” I asked. “Why should I trust you again?

“I was scared,” he admitted to me. “I was terrified of what would happen when I lost you.”

“If you lost me,” I corrected. “You presume that it’s going to happen, but that doesn’t mean it will.”

“Avery,” he looked at me, “you know how I believe.”

“Then why come back Spencer? So you can do it again?”

“Because I can’t stay away. Because I love you.” He was brutally honest. “Because I decided that hurting later was worth what it feels like now.”

“You say that now,” I ran my fingers through my hair. “But you will still worry about what happens. You will still be certain that it’s going to end. How do I know that you won’t take off again?”

“I don’t know,” he was honest. “I really don’t know.”

“Well that’s not very comforting,” I shrugged.

“Avery,” Spencer stood up and began to pace. “I’m terrified of loving anyone this much. I didn’t even love my fiancé this much and look what she did to me,” I felt a warmth spread across my body as I listened to him say how much I meant. “Losing you would destroy me. But giving you up came damn near close.”

“But you still did it…”

“I know,” his face turned towards the floor. “It was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.”

“And I’m supposed to believe that this will just magically get better? I’m supposed to have faith in you and trust that you won’t leave again?”

“No,” he whispered. “I guess not.”

“Do you know what that did to me? Spencer I was devastated. I didn’t even know what I’d done wrong. You just told me it was over and you loved me and you were sorry.” Tears began to fill my eyes.

“I do love you. I was sorry. I never meant to hurt you,” he looked at me with the same pained expression that tore my world apart. “I thought it was for the best. If it’s any consolation, I look like shit and you look beautiful.”

My lips curled into a smile.

“I’ve never been beautiful,” my shoulders slumped. “Not beautiful enough for you.”

“I hate when you feel that way,” he moved back towards the couch and sat beside me. “I never wanted you to feel that way.”

“You made me feel this way,” the honest response stung him. I saw his eyes flinch. “You left me.”

“I came back,” he offered quietly. “I came back for you.”

“And now what?”

“Now, we go on. We love each other. We let this play out and see what happens,” his suggestion sounded like everything I wanted, but I was afraid.

“But you may leave again?”

“No,” he promised me. “I won’t leave again.”

“How do I know?”

“Because I can’t live without you Avery,” he looked me eye to eye. “I am addicted to you.”

“You don’t want to be,” I reminded him.

“No, I don’t. I am afraid of it. But I can’t stop,” he shrugged and smiled.

“Actions speak louder than words,” I heard Colby yell.

“My actions brought me back,” he continued her sentiment. “Doesn’t that mean something?”

“Yes,” I whispered.

“Can you honestly say that you can just let me walk away today if you have the chance to stop me?”

I shook my head no. He knew better. There was no way I could let him leave. Not if I had the opportunity to make him stay.

“Can you commit to me?” I asked.

“Commit?”

“Can we be official? Can you give me what I need?” he knew what I meant.

“I would give you anything you asked me for,” he replied seriously. “Even if it cost me my life.”

“Can you stop expecting that I’m like everyone else?”

“I’ll try. It’s harder than you think,” he answered. “I know me. I know life. I know people in it.”

“You realize you did exactly what you were afraid of?”

“yes,” he answered. “I do. And I’m so sorry.”

When I saw his eyes shimmer with tears my decision was made. There was nothing I wouldn’t do to make him smile. Seeing him cry was out of the question. It could not happen. Especially at my doing.

“Okay,” I answered.

“God Damn it!” I heard Colby shout.

“She made you said yes because I might hurt you? Or she worried that I’ll take you away from her?” Spencer teased.

“Not sure,” I looked towards the kitchen. “Probably a blend of both.”

“She’s going to have to get used to me Avery,” he smiled. “I’m not planning to go anywhere.”

“you better not!”

“Okay, look I have some rules,” Colby appeared out of nowhere. “if you guys insist on doing this again.”

“My relationship Colb,” I reminded her. “My choice.”

“My time and energy spent helping you through the crash. I watched you lie there and cry for days. I watched you stop eating and wanting to do anything. I think I get a fair chance to share my rules.”

I watched Spencer’s face flinch again at the mention of me crying and not eating. He hated hurting me as bad as I hated hurting him.

“Fine,” I agreed.

“First, you are my best friend,” Colby turned to Spencer. “She’s my best friend Spencer. I get best friend things. And some things just to have them. You can’t have her every day all day.”

“I can agree to that,” Spencer chuckled.

“Second, if you are going to be here so much, help clean.” She ordered.

“Okay,” he laughed. “That’s doable.”

“And third,” she looked at me and I saw pain flash on her face. “If you bail again, she deserves in person with an explanation.”

“I won’t be bailing again. I know what…”

“I don’t care. That’s the rule.” Colby snapped.

“Okay,” he replied. “Deal.”

“That’s all,” she said quickly and walked back out of the room.

“So you will be mine again?”

“Yes,” I smiled.

“Will you promise to love me forever?” he asked hopefully.

“Of course,” I answered. “Unless you leave your hair like that. Then the deal’s off.”

“You don’t like my do?”

“Not at all.” I replied.

“Why?”

“It covers your eyes and looking into your eyes is sometimes the only way I have to believe that you love me.”

“that’s morbid Avery,” he twisted his face up. “I love you. But if you need to see my eyes to know that, then I’ll get a haircut.

“Good,” I finished. “Now, I think you owe me a night out.”

“Dinner and a movie?”

“Sounds fabulous.,” I replied.

Spencer stood and walked towards the door.

“I’ll pick you up at eight for the date,” he chuckled. “be ready.”

And with that Spencer left and my life resumed it’s normal place in the world. A fact that made me happier than I’d ever been.

Chapter 13

I listened to the sound of the waves smash into the shore as I sat alone in the sand. Colby was long gone- most likely off to finally have some excitement on her vacation- and I really had nowhere else to be so I’d just stayed where I was.

Emotions overwhelmed me. Guilt. Anger. Pain. Emptiness. Each of them flipping through my body like a slideshow. A movie of the torment that waged inside. A peek into the gaping hole that had once held my heart. My shoulders drooped, heavy with heartache, and my eyes tried to close.

The moonlight hit the water at an angle that brightened everything up. It amazed me that no one else had ventured to this spot. The sights and sounds were phenomenal.

Hearing the distant beat of music and chorus of voices I presumed that the rest of the guests had found more exciting ways to spend their time. People flocked to people. I found my peace in solitude. The emptiness that flooded my soul required that I sit alone.

It wasn’t lost on me that where I sat was probably the most romantic spot in the entire resort. I could imagine couples walking along the edge of the water in the moonlight, holding hands, kissing under the stars. A blanket and a late night bottle of wine would lead to a perfect cuddling opportunity.

Spencer would have liked the spot. Maybe that’s why I chose to stay there out of every choice I had. He wasn’t much for crowds and clamor. He liked out of the way places where he could unwind and enjoy time with the people he loved. Which had mostly been me.

For a moment I thought about taking a picture so that I could show him. Then I was reminded that he no longer existed in my world and the ache returned, stronger than ever. Even the fifth of vodka that I’d downed sitting on that very shore couldn’t stop the tears and the pain. There was no way to dull what I was feeling.

I had thought that with enough time, the stab would be less sharp. It had been my belief that if I waited patiently -and by some means found a way to make it through the days and, in particular, the nights- it wouldn’t feel as strong. But that never seemed to happen. Every memory, every token of our relationship, felt like he had just walked out.

The only thing that seemed to be changing was my mindset. I’d never believed that he didn’t love me. I was positive he did. That our connection was real. That he was just as addicted with me as I was to him. We had a special bond that nothing would break and no one could force their way through.

There wasn’t anyone that had really thought he loved me. Everyone in my life had believed he was playing games. As I found myself lying back on the sand in the moonlight- curling my knees to my chest- I felt like maybe he was.

Love wasn’t supposed to leave. It wasn’t supposed to hurt. He’d promised me that he’d never hurt me. But he’d lied. Over and over again he’d hurt me. Every time promising that he wouldn’t do it again. Yet he did. He swore he didn’t mean to hurt me. I believed him. Why? How many times can you repeat the same thing and still say you didn’t mean it? And if he’d lied about that, maybe the love was a lie as well.

That was when I allowed myself to collapse. Something I’d not done since that first two days. Yes, sometimes I cried or got lost in the immeasurable hole of my sorrow when I was alone at night. But to simply disintegrate and explode- it hadn’t happened in a long time.

If anyone had walked up on me that night I’d have almost certainly been admitted. Drunk and coiled into the fetal position on the sand, crying and breathless, I was a mess. I’d held in so much for so long. After that first couple of days, when I’d lie in the bed and let myself hurt, I’d shut it off. No matter what I was doing, or how abandoned I was or agonizing it felt, I’d forced myself to move on. Hold back the emotions.

The three days that Colby and I had been at the beach had been the most awful. She’d made me face life when I didn’t want to. Pushing me to do things had left me remembering why I didn’t care to leave the room. And little comments, aimed at a tough love approach, had dug deeper into the wounds, opening them for me to contend with yet again.

I’d had to make believe I was okay, show no signs of failing, or she’d use it against me to try and further her vacation plan. So I did. But in that moment, as I lie on the sand, I let it all out. Not just Spencer and what we’d had, but Colby and what we were losing.

She despised me and I didn’t fully fault her. But I resented her too for not helping me through my crash. And I wasn’t positive our friendship could endure this. Or that either of us would really want it to when all was said and done.

I wasn’t sure when things had changed. I’d known she didn’t like Spencer all that much, but why did it come down to hurting me in the process? Was that really fair of her? No, I hadn’t been the greatest friend. But I loved her and she’d abandoned me. I needed her and she’d walked away, telling me that I was wrong.

I let myself feel every emotion deep into my core. Nothing was reflex. All of it was gut-wrenching and filled with more passion than my shattered body could hold.

I allowed the hurt to engulf me; and I cried. Sobs that I didn’t think I had in me. But that sadness wasn’t all that there was. Resentment boiled beneath the surface. At Spencer for leaving me. For letting me rely on him. For promising to love me when he couldn’t keep that pledge. He had hurt me over and over again until I didn’t think I could take it. He’d let me keep loving him knowing that he would never love me the same. If he did, he wouldn’t leave.