Consumed (Addicted to You Book 1) (8 page)

The tension between us was thicker than the fog in my mind. She wasn’t hiding her exasperation and disappointment with me. I wasn’t doing a very good job of hiding my pain and discontent that the beach trip didn’t take away the memories of a man I no longer had access to. I was pretty certain she resented me for letting her down again.

It was me that had suggested the beach and she had unenthusiastically agreed. Her idea of a super amazing vacation had not been to spend it alone in the dark with me drinking myself into a haze of denial. She’d wanted to mingle and meet people and have memories that would live eternally. I was on a mission to never make memories again.

My speculation was that she’d only settled to see if I’d actually leave the room for more than a few minutes. We’d been there for three days and I hadn’t seen any of the local attractions. The pool may have tempted me had it not been filled with loads of keyed up vacationers that would force me to contend with their happy spirits and joyful laughs. Since it was, I avoided it as well.

For the most part I’d sat in the room- watching movies and reading books that would let me escape from the cell of thoughts that kept me enslaved. Nothing romantic or frilly. Nothing about happiness. Dark and frenzied things that let my brain overflow with violent and gory images that prevented me from seeing his golden smile when I closed my eyes or hearing the laughs and music coming from just outside the building. The sounds of waves crashing ashore mixed with an hodgepodge of liquors, I managed to somewhat slip into a comatose state when I finally laid down.

From the moment Spencer had left I’d watched my phone unfailingly. Waiting on a text or phone call. Any signal that he missed me and needed me in his life. It never came. So that day when I’d finished showering and dressing long before Colby returned, I’d picked up my phone.

His name was still there. In my contacts. In my calls. In my texts, with fairly recent messages touting his love for me or his need for deodorant before I came home. There was one telling me to grab pizza because he’d been trying to make a romantic dinner and ended up burning it. I’d spent free moments reading through them for the first few days he was gone. Then I’d stayed away from them. My psyche couldn’t handle it.

Even seeing his name stung and I felt tears building. That’s why I was holding the phone that felt heavier than my legs. An internal debate was waging in my mind about deleting the texts and even the number.

I looked through them and the heartache came on full force. I didn’t want to read them again. Feeling it again—the love we’d shared—made it almost intolerable. Every time I closed the text it was like I lost him again in that moment. Fresh and raw. Painful.

I opened the contact list and flipped to his name. Knowing I should remove it weighed on me. I wasn’t ready. I needed it there. Even the texts. They were all I had left. As much as I knew it’d be better to get rid of everything, I couldn’t lose my last little link to him.

In the back of my mind I’d known that if I absolutely couldn’t take it and I absolutely had to; I could call or text. And he’d reply. My one little reminder that he was alive in the world. My one fall back to know that he was all right and that it was genuine.

Of course I wasn’t going to use it. I couldn’t. He had left and that meant it had to be him that came back. If I pressured him, I’d be forever reminded that it wasn’t his choice. And my hope was that if he chose to come back it’d be when he realized he was ready to stay.

The tears fell from my eyes as I looked at his name again. My Spencer. The one true love in my life. No. Not true love. He was my soul mate. That was something he’d pointed out to me one day.

I’d asked him what the difference was. True love and soul mate were the same thing in my mind. Spencer pointed out that they were not the same. True love was a choice. A soul mate was fate. Until him, I’d have never believed that. But I knew that even if I’d choose him a million times over, I didn’t have a choice when it came to him.

He had made me feel safe. When he looked at me, I felt beautiful. There was nothing that seemed to overshadow his opinion of me.

The first time he’d left - when he’d called- I’d argued. Telling him he loved me. It was showing in his eyes. Of course he’d laughed and told me it wasn’t about love. It was about preventing heartache. Ending things on a happy note. But I’d seen it even as he turned to walk away. The pain and agony at saying goodbye. He wasn’t happy. Neither was I. Yet here I was again.

Spencer was the only man that I’d ever believed I could complete. Because something about us when we were together made that a reality. We completed each other.

It sounded crazy as I thought that to myself, staring at my phone and knowing that he was gone. But it was true. Colby had said we were obsessed with each other in the beginning. But it wasn’t like that. It was like something we couldn’t live without, yes, but not something that forced us together.

We wanted to be together. We wanted to absorb ourselves in each other. At least that was what I’d thought.

But looking at that screen and seeing the lack of messages or calls, I questioned myself and my thoughts. For a moment I believed that maybe I’d been wrong and he didn’t love me. Maybe Colby and everyone else was right.

“We paid a lot of money for you to stare at your phone and cry,” Colby’s voice brought me back to the room.

“I’m not,” I sniffled one last time and stuck my phone into the pocket of my jeans. “Give me a break,” I rolled my eyes. “I’m trying.”

“Maybe tomorrow we can try something we can’t have at home,” sarcasm oozed from her. “But for now, let’s go sit on the beach alone and drink like teenagers.”

There was almost an excited tone from her as she said it. Something that told me that maybe she was going to enjoy herself after all. And I’d just have to fake it to make her happy. Surely, it wouldn’t kill me to pretend for a few hours that I wasn’t walking around in skin that was hollow underneath.

Chapter 10

“Are you going to eat?” Colby had surprised me that Saturday afternoon with take out from our favorite Chinese restaurant.

“I don’t have much of an appetite,” I admitted reluctantly.

I didn’t want to upset my best friend any further than I already had. She and I hadn’t been on the best of terms in a while. Not for any real reason. She was just angry that I chose to spend so much time with Spencer.

I understood it. I had kind of blown off a lot of things she’d wanted me to do with her. I didn’t mean to. It just worked out that way. So when she’d called me and asked if I felt like having lunch and a girl’s day, I had agreed even though I knew I didn’t much feel like it.

“So what’s going on Avery?” Colby questioned.

“Nothing,” I lied.

A twinge of guilt ran through me when I did. I hated lying to Colby. In all the years we’d known each other, I’d never been anything less than honest. But, this was different.

“Avery,” she began. “How long have we been friends?”

“A long fucking time,” I laughed. “Why?”

“You think I don’t know when something is up?” her shoulders slumped. “I don’t know when you stopped thinking of me as your best friend.”

“What? Colby! You are my best friend. You know that!” I couldn’t believe what she’d said. “Why would you think you weren’t?”

“Right now? Because you won’t talk to me. You used to talk to me about everything.”

I saw the pain on her face. She was devastated that I was keeping something from her and I felt horrible for doing it. Colby was right. We’d always discussed everything. I’d even shared intimate details of my sex life with her and vice versa.

“I still do,” I spoke softly, knowing that my words weren’t entirely honest.

“Bullshit Ave,” she called me out. “You didn’t even tell me that you guys had finally….”

“It was personal,” I interrupted. “And it was…..”

“Spencer,” she finished. “It was Spencer.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” my tone immediately got defensive.

I hated being in between the two people I cared the most about. Colby and I had been friends for too long to have it fall apart and Spencer was the other half of me. I wanted them to like each other.

Sometimes they did. There were days that the three of us, four if Colby had a man at that time, could spend time together and everything would be fun. Other days not so much.

There were moments where I felt like I was the rope in a game of tug of war. It was almost as if my best friend and boyfriend were competing for me. Saying that sounded odd. But that’s the best way I knew how to describe it.

“He’s the one you talk to now,” she shrugged. “And if it’s about him, you rarely tell me at all.”

“That’s not true!” I argued. “I mean yes I do talk to him, but I talk to you too. And I try to tell you about him….”

“Not really. Not anymore.”

“You don’t like him,” I reminded her. “I don’t want to give you anything to use against me.”

“That’s who you think I am? A friend that would use your boyfriend as a weapon?” her eyes widened and I could see anger take over.

“That’s not what I meant,” I corrected myself. “I mean…”

“So you are not eating and you won’t tell me why because I might use it to hurt you later?” her question threw me off and I wasn’t sure how to answer.

The truth was the answer was yes. I knew she would. Hell, she’d probably hurt me right then. But at the same time, I wasn’t being fair. I was shutting out a very important part of our friendship. It left me torn.

“He’s ending things,” I confessed, a tear making its way down my cheek.

“What? Why? Are you guys having problems?” she asked, almost as shocked as I was.

“No,” shaking my head I told her the way I saw things. “It’s perfect. Nothing bad has happened.”

“Then why is he ending it?”

“I don’t know,” I looked at the ground, preparing for the reaction when I finished my answer. “He hasn’t told me yet.”

“He didn’t tell you why he’s ending it?” she looked confused.

“He didn’t tell me he’s ending it,” I corrected her and waited in silence to hear what she had to say.

“I don’t understand,” her mouth tightened and her eyes scrunched up.

“I just know,” I replied. “I don’t know how or why. I just know.”

“So he hasn’t ended the relationship?” I shook my head no. “He hasn’t said he’s going to?” Again my head turned from side to side. “He didn’t say he’s thinking about it?”

“No,” my voice barely rose above a whisper. “I just know.”

“How do you know?” she asked skeptically.

“I haven’t heard from him in three days. When I did talk to him, he barely replied to anything. We had plans for tonight and he hasn’t said anything about them,” I told her.

“Maybe he forgot Avery,” she offered a suggestion. “He is a man.”

“We were going to his brother’s house,” I told her as if that explained it all. “How could he forget that?”

“Again,” she teased. “He’s a man.”

Just as I opened my mouth to reply, the ringtone that I’d set up just for Spencer went off. Thank God. He was calling.

“See,” she mouthed.

“Hey!” I smiled as I greeted the man I loved on the phone. “So you did remember tonight?”

“Of course I did,” his voice was cold and distant.

I felt my body freeze and my heart slow down. This was going to be it.

“So when are you picking me up?” I asked, barely able to form the words.

I could feel the tension and his lack of desire to say what was on his mind. I knew. The connection that we had between us wasn’t only for the good things. He didn’t have to say the words.

“I think we need to cancel,” he said quietly.

“You mean reschedule?” I asked for clarification.

“I mean cancel,” he repeated. “Avery, I think we need to spend some time apart.”

It felt as though the wind were being knocked out of me. My face went pale and my palms were sweaty.

“Don’t do this,” I begged, tears beginning to fall from my eyes. “Please don’t do this.”

“Avery,” he whispered. “It’s for the best.”

“No,” the word barely crackled out. “Please Spencer…”

“I’m sorry,” his apology was sincere. I knew that.

“You can’t leave me. You love me Spencer.”

“It’s not about love. It’s never been about love. Of course I love you. I’ve always loved you. I will always love you.”

“Then why?”

“It’s for the best. We can stop now while we are happy.”

“I’m not happy,” I confessed. “I’m not happy at all.”

The tears began to flow and soon he could hear the sobs.

“There’s no need to cry,” he spoke carefully, trying to avoid hurting me. “It will be okay.”

“No,” I argued. “Not if you aren’t there. I love you.”

“I love you too Avery,” he replied. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Goodbye.”

Just as quickly as he’d be there, he was gone. Dropping the phone onto the floor, I pulled my knees to my chest and lay my head against them. The tears and sobs took over my body.