Conundrum (46 page)

After some time, Jeremy wiped his face and blew his nose, using a tissue he found in his pocket. He took a deep breath and looked around the barn, taking it in.
The dogs came running in, frisky and exuberant, a sharp contrast to the mood we shared.
“I think
.
 
.
 
.
I’ll
take the dogs for a long
walk
. I just need to blow this off, clear my head. Do you mind if I bow out from visiting with Neal?
I don’t think I can deal with making friendly talk right now.
”

“Sure. No problem.”

He stood and we walked back to the house together. The dogs, having heard the “
w
” word, pranced around Jeremy, pushing their noses into his legs
as if spurring him to move faster
.

Jeremy
laced up
his hiking boots a
nd gave me a perfunctory kiss on the cheek. I ruffled his hair and reassured him with my eyes that we’d be okay. He tried to muster a smile.

“I’ll keep packing,” I said as he headed around the side of the house for the hills.
“
E
verything will be okay,” I
added
quietly, tears pooling once more in my eyes.

Neal drove up as I loaded the last box in the pickup
’s bed
. I still had the den and the bathrooms to finish, but I didn’t need Neal’s help, although it had been kind of him to offer.

“Hey,” I said as he got out of his
Honda
, noting he was no longer borrowing our mother’s Mercedes, “perfect timing. I need a break
,
and there’re some beers with our names on them in the ice chest.”

Neal gave me a hug. “Sounds good. Looks like you’re making progress.”

“Most of it’s done. We moved all the furniture yesterday, so we’re down to the small things. And then we’ll transport animals.”

Neal followed me into the house as I went for the ice chest and pulled out two cans of beer. “Wow, this place is empty.” His voice softened. “This must be horrible for you guys, having to move out. I’m really sorry—”

“Hey, it’s not your fault. It’s
mine
. We should have never let
M
om
buy this place. Jeremy warned me
.
 
.
 
.
but I didn’t listen. Now we’re paying the price.”

“Well,” Neal said, looking seriously into my eyes, “none of us saw this coming. And it’s wrong.” He snorted. “A lot of things wrong.”

“Yeah. Welcome to my world.”

We went out to the back deck and sat on the blanket I had spread out. With the temperature hovering in the nineties, a beer sounded just right.
I po
p
ped the top of the can and took a long drink.

“Where’s Jeremy?”

“Taking the dogs for a hike. He’ll be back in a while. You hungry?”

“Just ate a big lunch.”

“So,” I ventured, “how’s your apartment? Do you like it?”

Neal shrugged. “It’s fine. I’m not home much. Got a new bartending job. And I’m coaching Little League
for the rest of the month.”

“That sounds like fun. I remember going to your games when you were little. You always wanted to be the pitcher, but they stuck you in right field.”

“Yeah, but I still had fun. I get a kick watching the little guys try to hit the ball and run the bases. I’m helping them with their stance and hand positioning—that kind of stuff.”

We sipped our beer
s
and let the moment settle. I knew Neal was gearing up to talk about heavier things, so I waited. Finally, he turned to me and set down his
can
.

“
Julie and I had a long talk the other day. She told me everything
.
 
.
 
.
about her mom, about our dad’s—I mean, Nathan’s last months. Man, I don’t know if I’m ever going to get used to putting it that way. What’s a father anyway? My supposed father died when I was a baby, so I never knew him as a father. And then I learn about Ed—too little too late, I guess. I’m still fatherless, so I wonder, does it all really matter?”

I snorted, couldn’t help myself. “It matters that Mom lied to you, to all of us. You could have known your real dad all along. Maybe Ed might not have wanted you in his life, but at least you could have made your own choices—whether to pursue a relationship with him or not.
”

Neal nodded.
“It was surreal, Lisa. Talking to him. Here’s this guy, dying, someone I’ve never met in my life, and yet, in some weird way, he felt familiar. Maybe it was just his face, seeing something in myself there, however slight, or maybe it was more. Just hearing the way he talked, his gestures. Like I could tell we were related, although, from what Julie tells me, he’s a real asshole. But he was nice to me, at least, while we talked. Didn’t say much, of course
;
he wasn’t feeling up to it. But I got the
impression
he had a lot he wanted to say, things he wished he could share with me, fill me in on stuff—his life, the work he did
—
”

“Makes sense. So much to catch up on, but he’d run out of time. It must have been disappointing—for both of you.
Did he—have any idea he had a son? Or was this completely a surprise to him?”

“He said he had no clue.
And he ranted a bit about Shirley, his ex. She had known all along about me, but never said a thing
—for over twenty years
. I understand why, but, well, in some ways I don’t. Why didn’t Shirley come find me and tell me? She knew her own daughter had a brother. Wouldn’t she have wanted us to connect?”

“You’d think so. But maybe she didn’t want to expose you to Ed Hutchinson. You have to remember, Neal, that Ed beat her, and Shirley took Julie away to protect her. She felt Ed might
have
hurt his own daughter. So you can see why maybe she kept her secret to herself. For everyone’s good. Doesn’t make it right, though. But she may have felt it was the only option.”

“Maybe when I was a baby or a vulnerable kid. But why not find me when I was a teen, when I was older and could have decided for myself
?
”

“I think Nathan made her promise not to tell. She could have just been honoring his wishes.”

“Whatever.” Neal shook his head. “
I tried to talk to
M
om about all this, but she freaked. Yelled at me and told me it was all a lie.”

“Really? How in the world does she think that will fly?
You know, I had dinner with Dad’s best friend last week—Dave Lerner. He knew all about Ed being your father. It’s not just something Julie or her mother made up. Other people knew. He said, though, that Nathan loved you as his own, regardless.
”

I fell quiet, thinking of Raff’s words, how our father had screamed at our mother
.
“
I don’t want him, don’t want to have anything to do with him
.
”
I understood how my father could and would have said that in a moment of anger. But I believed with all my heart, from what I had learned about Nathan Sitteroff from the people who knew him well, that he would have loved Neal as much as he loved us.
If
he could have found his way to stay alive long enough.

I pulled my hair off my neck and made it into a sloppy
ponytail
. The heat
felt
good, baking deep into my bones. “
Who knows what would have happened if
Nathan
hadn’t died
?
Would it have been all hushed up, and Nathan have raised you as his son, matter closed? Or would he have told you the truth at some point, and let you decide what to do with that knowledge? From what I’ve learned about him, I bet he would have been straight with you. It’s anyone’s guess.”

Neal grunted with a cynical expression on his face.
“
Mom
did admit, though, that he
had
left her, had an affair with Shirley.
Made it look like she was the victim, that dad left her for another woman, abandoning her while she was pregnant.
Oh, b
ut, she forgave him. It was the drugs, she said. They gave him too much medication
,
and it made him crazy, irrational. She blamed all his behavior on the treatments he was getting for his leukemia.
She said that when he was dying in the hospital, he apologized for hurting her, that he loved her and wished he could take all the hurt back. Wished he’d never left.
”

“
I doubt he said that. H
e moved in with Shirley Hutchinson months before he got sick.
It had nothing to do with the meds making him crazy.
”

“He did?”

“Yes.
When he and Shirley found out about their spouses’ affair, they went to San Diego together. Apparently, Dad signed up for a research project there, to get away from Mom. He had just found out she was pregnant and knew it—you, sorry—were Ed’s child. He couldn’t take it. Couldn’t live in the house knowing that
.
 
.
 
.
having to pretend.”

I shut my mouth before I said any more. At this juncture, I didn’t want to bring up what Dave had confessed—that my dad killed himself by exposing himself to toxic radiation. At some point I hoped to share this with my brothers, but now was not the time. Neal, especially, had too much to process, and his life was
in
as much
of
an upheaval as ours.
And Raff—well, maybe there would never be a good time to share this knowledge. Maybe some doors were better kept bolted shut and
blocked by a guard
.

“I thought he volunteered for some dangerous experiment and that’s how he got leukemia. Isn’t that what Mom always said?”

“Yeah, well, I’ve learned recently that you can’t believe everything she tells you.” Neal matched my smile with his own. “Have you talked to Raff about any of this?”

Neal picked up his beer and finished it off. “I wanted to, and then
.
 
.
 
.
well, you know. And now that he’s back in the hospital
—
”

“In time. At some point he will get better.
I know he will.
His attitude has changed. He’s more hopeful.
”

Neal looked at me,
glad
for
that
reassurance—I could tell. He had always looked up to Raff,
despite the
eight
-
year
gap in age
. I suddenly felt burdened by all the healing that needed to take place in my family.
It wasn’t just me and Jeremy
.
Neal had his weight he carried around, and Raff had his—even more burdensome. How had we accumulated so much baggage? I thought of the photograph of our family, the faded black-and-white print of Dad standing next to Raff, and me kneeling beside my mother as she held baby Neal. We all looked so young, so untainte
d. Although, I knew now that emotions must have rumbled inside my dad as he stood there, posing with Ed Hutchinson’s baby.
Ah, h
ow
different
things appear on the surface.

Neal came over and wrapped his arms around me. “Lisa,” he said, his words breaking up as he spoke,
“
I’m so sorry I was mean to you. I was under Mom’s spell, and all she’d do is complain about you, put you down. And you were just trying to keep everyone happy, make sure we all got along. You were always a good sister to me, and I admired you a lot. You know that, right?”

My heart ached, more from joy tha
n
from hurt. “Sure. I know I can be pushy and opinionated sometime
s
—
”

“Yeah, well you got that from Mom. And I guess I got the good looks from my rea
l
father. Julie showed me some photos. Ed was a pretty handsome guy, wasn’t he?”

I playfully pushed at Neal. “Looks aren’t everything. Ed was a jerk too. So don’t take after him in that way.
Start treating your girlfriends right.
”

Neal chuckled, then fell quiet. “Julie invited me to the funeral. Said it would be small, just a few people. But I said I didn’t think I should go. It just didn’t feel right.”

“I understand.”

“After seeing me, I think it softened him up a bit. Julie said he broke down after I left. Apologized for being a bad father, for neglecting her all those years
—
”