Conversations With the Fat Girl (35 page)

weekend was about a resurrection. This weekend was about Olivia and me

making things right. This was supposed to be my show. How is this

happening? I'm writing my food down now. I'm working out and I'm up to

forty-five minutes on the StairMaster. I'm a size smaller! I'm a fucking

size smaller!

"It is a big hat, Kate," Olivia says into her glass.

"What the fuck did you just say? What the fuck did you just say!" Kate

lunges at Olivia. I see a security man appear from behind a silvery

pillar over by the bar. He is talking into a mouthpiece and coming our way

"Kate. Please, let's just go," I plead, pulling my sister away and

waving the security man down. He backs off and takes his place behind

the silvery pillar. I don't make eye contact with anyone. And no one

makes eye contact with me. I grab our purses, and we leave the table.

284 278Liza Palmer

"See you at the wedding," Gwen taunts.

"Like hell! You won't see me near that fucking wedding! Fuck you,

Olivia!" Kate is crawling over my shoulder now and screaming Fitch you

at the top of her little lungs. I stand a good foot taller than her in

these heels and I can barely keep her down. I am numb. Kate's curses

resonate in my head just long enough to swirl once. Then the emptiness

and quiet come again, broken only by Olivia's words, It is a big hat,

Kate. It is a big hat, Kate. I'm a size smaller. I'm a size smaller.

I tuck Kate tightly in bed and escape to the bathroom where she can't

hear me. I close the door behind me and sit on the edge of the bathtub

with my head in my hands and cry. I haven't cried this hard in years. I

keep replaying the night over and over in my head and wonder how

everything got so turned around. When did Olivia become one of those

people in the hot tub at Owen Lynch's house?

285

Dirty Little Secrets

I wake to the sound of my cell phone chirping. I pat the nightstand to

find my glasses. The red digital numbers of the hotel clock come into

focus. It is three thirty-seven in the morning. I flip the covers back

and go into the bathroom.

"Hello?" I whisper.

"Maggie?" It's Olivia doing her best impression of a stage whisper.

"Yeah?" Who else would it be?

"It's Olivia."

"Yeah, I've got that. What do you want?" I'm standing on a cold tile

floor in my pajamas with my drunk sister snoring in the other room. Last

I heard, Olivia was siding with Gwen.

"Are you mad?" Olivia asks.

"What are you calling for?"

"Can you meet me downstairs? Just you?" she asks. "Why?"

"Please? I've got your birthday present, Mags. And can you ... just let

me explain." I can hear the bustling casino behind her.

286 280Liza Palmer

"Where are you?"

"I'm downstairs. In the casino. Can you meet me in the conservatory?"

"Where's Gwen?'

"She's upstairs in the room. It's just going to be just you and me.

Please?" Olivia's cell phone is cutting in and out.

"Give me five minutes." I beep my cell phone off.

I don't want our friendship to be over. I don't want to have to go out

and find a new best friend. I don't want to be alone in the world

without Olivia. I'm not sure I know who I am without her.

I remember once when I was waiting at an intersection for a light to

change. I looked over at the couple in the car next to me. She was

leaning on his shoulder. He stroked her hair. At first I reacted the way

any single person would-I hated them and wanted them to stop. But then I

really took them in. That moment, that little moment, is why people stay

together. It could never be retold. It could never be described. But it

was that deep intimacy that gave the couple the ability to share that

moment together. No one would ever know about it except the two of them.

And when the going got rough, it would be that moment they recalled as

the reason why they were together. With friends, it's the same thing.

Sitting in a movie theater unable to hold back the giggles. Driving

silently listening to a CD. Already having a diet soda ordered for you

as you arrive late to a lunch date. It's the little things. Those little

moments that solidify caring for another person.

I head back out into the dark hotel room. What if Kate wakes up while

I'm gone? She'll be worried sick. I'll just have to hurry. I scrounge

around on the floor for a sweatshirt and socks. I slip on my shoes and

locate my purse by the glow of the bathroom's night-light. The room key

is nestled in my wallet. I close the door quietly behind me.

287 Conversations with the Fat Girl281

It's not until the elevator ride down that I realize what I'm doing.

Kate fought for me tonight. Olivia didn't. It was Olivia who allowed

someone she calls a friend to insult me. It was Olivia who let me leave

the bar and didn't come after me. It's Olivia who is calling me two

hours later after everyone's asleep like a dirty little secret that can

only be walked around in the dark of the night.

I see Olivia sitting on the stairs in the conservatory. She is holding a

small gold package tightly in her right hand. The conservatory is lit up

like daytime. It seems unnaturally bright for such a bleak meeting.

"Hi." Olivia stands as I approach.

"Hi," I say, not sitting.

"Can you sit for a second?" Olivia asks.

I sit and cross my legs.

"I'm sorry about tonight," Olivia continues.

"So am I," I say. I'm sorry I stayed. I'm sorry I dragged my sister out

here. I'm sorry I didn't yell at Gwen myself. And I'm sorry you are

nowhere near the person you used to be.

"You have nothing to be sorry for. It was between Kate and Gwen." Olivia

turns her body, and her knee is now touching mine.

"Kate had nothing to do with tonight and you know it." I twist my body

so my knees are now facing forward.

"She had a little bit to do with it." A vision of Kate screaming Fuck

you at the top of her lungs comes to mind.

"Why did you call? Was it to blame Kate for the way Gwen acted tonight?"

"No, I wanted to give you this." Olivia hands me the little gold

package. I take it indifferently

"Thanks."

"Can you please open it?" Olivia's eyes are beginning to well up.

288 282Liza Palmer

"Why? So you can buy me off? Thanks for the present. It would have been

a much better gift not to be run out of your wedding shower like that.

So whatever is in this box is secondary," I say, dying to know what's in

the fucking box.

"Okay . . . I just want you to know that I ... I was just so drunk. I

didn't stand up for you. I should have."

I stare straight ahead and bring my arms back across my chest.

"Please. Will you just . . . can you look at me? Something?" I turn my

head and look at Olivia. I see a tired, overly made-up girl who in this

freakish light looks haggard and overextended.

"Please just tell me you believe me? That you know I would never let

anyone treat you like that? I know Gwen didn't mean anything by it,"

Olivia continues. I was almost there, until she brought up Gwen.

"Gwen means everything she says," I say

"But she didn't mean what you think she meant. She adores you. All she

talks about is how great you are and how amazing you've been through

this whole wedding thing. She even said that she thought you had lost a

little weight. Isn't that cool? We . . . we were just drunk, and the bar

was crowded. Please, tell me you believe me." Olivia takes my hand. As a

practice, Olivia is not touchy-feely.

"I don't know." I want to believe her.

"Just tell me everything is okay Mags. Please . . . please .. . please

tell me my best friend is still going to be my maid of honor. Please?"

Olivia begins to cry

"Don't cry. Just . . . Kate and I are going to leave first thing in the

morning. I just need time to think about all of this."

"That's fine. That's fine. Just please . . . please promise me. You've

got to promise me that you're going to be there for the wedding. You've

got to promise me, Maggie. Tonight was so stu-

289

pid. All I want is for my best friend to walk down the aisle ahead of

me. Just like we always talked about, remember? And we'll be at that

head table, just like we talked about. You can't walk away now. I need

you." Olivia is practically sobbing. I have never seen her cry like

this. I find myself just staring at her, taking it in.

"I need to think about it." I'm weakening. I can feel it.

"Did you ever want to know why that night on the bridge was the last

straw? The night before I made the decision to get the surgery?" Olivia

is almost kneeling in front of me.

"Yes." I have always wondered that.

"I just . . . I was always the fat one, you know?" Olivia begins. "That

night it was just too much. Once again I was being called out and I

couldn't take it anymore. And there you were smiling and . . . I guess I

just wanted what you had. You know, that confidence." Olivia looks up.

"Confidence? I don't get how we could be friends for so long and you

could be so wrong about who I am," I whimper. "What?" Olivia wipes her

tears away

"I've done my absolute best to be invisible-not confident," I sob.

"You call it being invisible. Everyone else calls it confidence. Trust

me." Olivia wipes her nose with the sleeve of her cashmere sweater.

"Well, either way it's no way to live." I hear myself. It is no way to live.

Olivia takes the gold package out of my hands and tears the paper off.

She opens the small velvet box and creaks the top open. Once again, she

wipes her nose as she pulls the beautiful necklace from the box. It's a

gold chain with the diamond- encrusted letters M&O dangling wistfully.

Olivia undoes the clasp. "Please. Mommy let me go all out. Half

birthday-half maid of honor. It was ridiculously expensive and I should

really be

290 284Liza Palmer

moderately embarrassed, but I just wanted to do something extra special

for you." I turn my body around as Olivia flips the chain around my

neck. She smells of smoke from the casino.

"Thank you. You shouldn't have." I look down on the necklace. It is

stunning.

"What are you thinking?" Olivia and I have been saying that for fifteen

years. Whenever the other was silent for more than two seconds, we would

bombard her with the what are you thinking question. The answers have

included everything from needing an eyebrow wax to deciding whether or

not to attend a master's program.

"I'm going back up to the room. Kate might wake up." I stand up and look

down on her.

"Promise you'll still be my maid of honor?" Olivia stays seated. I am

speechless. I never knew any of what she just said. I never knew Olivia

saw me that way. Maybe this weekend is a resurrection.

"I promise," I say.

I turn and walk out of the conservatory with a lump in my throat, tears

welling up in my eyes and shivers running up and down my spine. I can't

tell Kate. She'll kill me. Right now I just want to get back to bed and

go home first thing in the morning. My birthday. Another birthday that

will go down in the books as the shittiest day ever. I take the necklace

off in the bathroom and put it back in its box. I place it deep in the

recesses of my suitcase.

Kate rants the entire way home about what bitches Olivia and Gwen are.

She replays the night a thousand times, each time from a different

camera angle and every time with a new weapon. In one version, she

throws a drink at Gwen. In another, she shoves my cowboy hat right in

her face, yelling, "It is

291 Conversations with the Fat Girl285

a big hat, it is a big hat." In the last and most memorable, she bests

Gwen and Olivia in a catfight and then calls the security guard. He

throws a bloodied Gwen and Olivia out of the bar as the victorious Kate

is lifted up on the cheering patrons' shoulders. But in every account,

Kate keeps the ending exactly the same. "Like hell! I wouldn't go near

that damn wedding! Fuck you, Olivia!" And every time the story ends,

Kate looks over to me and smiles like I'm not going, either. How can I

tell her about my talk with Olivia in the conservatory now? How do you