Count It All Joy (17 page)

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Authors: Ashea S. Goldson

BOOK: Count It All Joy
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Chapter Twenty-nine
Alex
 
The August sun came through the windows and lit up the entire room. The brightness of the day warmed my spirit as I rubbed my own round stomach. Since I was now in the second trimester of my pregnancy, and we'd already had a sonogram, things became a little clearer.
This baby was taking shape in my body and in my mind. It wasn't one of my better days, even though it was my birthday. My belly felt like if it were swollen any tighter, I'd pop. Luckily, I knew this impending explosion thing was all in my mind. I wished I could calm my body down as easily, though. Then I remembered I was a child of God, so I prayed and commanded the enemy to cease in his maneuvers against me and my family, and in particular, over this child I was carrying.
I was well into my sixth month. Undoubtedly, the baby was getting bigger and stronger daily. We'd agreed that neither of us wanted to know the sex of the baby before it was time to deliver. But one thing we did know already was that it was a single child, not twins. How my heart longed for twins for so many years since I had given up my chance to mother my first set over ten years ago. It was only when I gave up believing that I could have children at all, that I stopped wanting twins. But I guessed it wasn't meant to be. At least, not this time around. If I could just get through this pregnancy I knew I'd probably have the courage to do it all over again. I needed God to show me I could still have a baby, just once.
I walked over to the window, pulled back the curtains, and looked down to see the children scrambling below on the pavement, hurrying into their various buildings from school. I wondered if I'd be that type of mother, always rushing to go here or there, like my mother did. At this point, there was no telling. After all, I wanted to hurry up to have this baby so I could really get back to work and back to my vision for the women's ministry. Then there was Joshua's vision, which I knew I'd have to get behind soon. And building a church was no joke.
Working with some of the ministers at Missionary Bible School and being a devoted, always volunteering member of Missionary Church, I knew firsthand the work that was required.
It wasn't that I was ambivalent about Joshua's vision. It's just that I sometimes felt like his vision was strangling mine. I still very much wanted to be friends with Seger, adopt Kiano, and build a safe haven for young women. Yet, all of that seemed to be buried underneath the many layers of plans Joshua had for
our
family and
our
church. I wasn't exactly crazy about the idea of being first lady yet either. Sure, it had its allure, but when it came down to it, I knew there would probably be more sacrifice than satisfaction. Ultimately, that was the story of my life. Give, give, and give some more. Yet, I knew some things had to change, especially since I was now thirty-two years old.
At work, they gave me the usual store-bought-cake-quick-delivery-special in the conference room, while Dr. Williams played “Happy Birthday To You” on his harmonica. The rest of the department sang along. That was how it went with office parties.
“Happy birthday, Sister Alex.” Seger kissed me on the cheek.
I had been working closely with Seger two days out of the week on Missionary's radio show, despite my husband's attempt of putting his foot down. Who did he think he was anyway? He was my husband,
not
my master. Thankfully, that project was over, but the tension over the subject of Seger and my ongoing relationship didn't stop.
Marisol gave me a big hug. So did Dr. Harding. Then within minutes, we all scattered, settling in at our own workstations, trying to savor the cake and the camaraderie we sometimes overlooked.
After work, I drove to pick up Taylor and we went to the Too Hot Hair Salon.
When we walked in the entire salon smelled of hot wings. That wasn't necessarily a bad thing except that I was hungry. We signed in with the receptionist, and then sat next to each other, waiting to be called.
“Look, girl, remember the rule,” I said.
“I know. I know. No talk of men, or jobs, or bills.” Taylor laughed. “Like who would really want to talk about that lame stuff anyway?”
I definitely didn't want to talk about my problems, not today. I was tired of talking, and I was tired of being tired. “I know, right,” I said, glad to have a break from the conversations that seemed to plague my life.
Taylor giggled. “What should we talk about then?”
“I don't know.” I giggled too. “There is nothing else, is there?”
“Funny.” Taylor shook her head. “There's food, fashion, and fun. Pick a topic.”
“Well, since we're going out to eat next, I choose food.”
“Girl, you're always choosing food,” Taylor said.
“Very funny,” I replied, shoving a red M&M into my mouth.
“No, but seriously, I want to get you on my nutrition regimen.”
“Maybe one day, Taylor, but it's not happening—”
“Today.” Taylor finished my sentence, knowing me all too well.
I licked my lips. “I can't wait to get my hands on a piece of that Junior's cheesecake.”
Taylor snapped her fingers. “I'd leave that alone if I were you.”
I gave her the look that said mind-your-own-business, and she left me alone.
All in all, we had a really good afternoon. We both laughed and enjoyed our meal, temporarily forgetting that we were anything other than two free-spirited sisters loving life.
Birthdays didn't really mean a whole lot to me except that God spared my life for another year. Don't get me wrong; I was grateful. I just wasn't one of those people who had to have a big bash every year to prove something. Taylor felt differently about this, of course. She considered her birthday just another day to indulge in extravagance. So we came to a compromise—a fancy lunch at Junior's and a trip to the salon for a new do. That was the best I could do, and she accepted because I was her sister. And not just her sister, but her twin. As long as she could spend money and look good, she was fine. And as long as I could eat a good meal, birthday cake or not, I'd be fine.
We decided we'd both get wrap sets so we could have a day of looking identical again. After we came out from under the dryers, our hair was soft, silky, and hanging to our shoulders. Then we had our nails done by Sheila, the nail technician. I received a simple French manicure and a pedicure. Taylor had her usual acrylics put on with silver and red nail art on top and had her toes done to match. That was just Taylor, the diva.
After we left the salon I drove Taylor home.
Later that evening, Joshua bought me roses and took me to a seafood restaurant for dinner.
“Happy birthday, baby,” he said.
I told him thank you again and again. Joshua looked like he enjoyed his fish dinner, yet he was quiet the entire time, like he had a whole lot on his mind. I mean, he talked, but not about anything important, so I went along with him, playing the good little wife role. When we finally reached home and picked up Lilah, I was tired from the long day's events. I bathed and put Lilah to bed first. Then I took my own shower and smiled in the mirror as I got dressed. Joshua patted my big stomach and took his seat at his desk. Another year of my life had gone by, and thankfully, I was married and pregnant now. Otherwise, I would've really been depressed, because having my own family was something I always wanted, yet was always secretly afraid that I could never have.
I put my hands on my big round hips and turned myself around. I was happy with myself, for the most part, minus the extra pounds in the midsection I'd accumulated while carrying this child. Everything else was okay I thought, except that I could use more toning. My thighs told me that every day I took off my panty girdle. Still, all and all, I was pretty pleased with myself. I wasn't bad looking, had a great husband, even if I did want to kill him more than half the time, a beautiful stepdaughter, and one baby on the way.
Yes, I was blessed I decided. Best of all, I was a child of God, a true-to-life church girl, in love with God, and proud of it.
Yes, I believed wholeheartedly in the Bible, every letter on every page, and every demon in hell had to know I was serious about serving the Lord. And the key word here was
serve
.
Now, that was one thing Mama helped to instill in me—a love for the church and the things of God, something Joshua and I had in common. Suddenly, I had a warm feeling run through me.
I reached my hands under Joshua's collar and began to massage his neck. I knew I was going out on a limb, but I kept climbing anyway. “How does this feel?”
“It feels good.”
“Good.” Then I went in for the kill. “You know, I've been thinking that maybe we can get back to our plans of adopting Kiano after this baby is born.”
Joshua folded his copy of the
New York Times.
“Is that all you think about? I don't think so.”
“Not even if our financial situation improves?” I asked.
Joshua never looked up from his newspaper. “We might just have to postpone the whole adoption thing indefinitely.”
“Indefinitely? Have you lost your mind? It's not an adoption
thing
. Kiano is a human being.”
Joshua removed my hands from his neck and grabbed me by my wrists. “No, have you lost yours talking to me that way?”
Back in the day, those were fighting words. For a moment, my flesh wanted to take this argument in a whole other direction, but the Holy Spirit wouldn't allow me to go there.
A sista had come a long way. When I was a kid, my sister and I used to take words like that to the streets. I mean, Taylor and I used to fight like nobody's business at the drop of a hat. We loved a challenge, especially Taylor. All a girl would have to do was even look like she wanted to rise up on Taylor, and it was on. Then with the twin thing, it was always two against one. Most folk learned fast that picking a fight with one of us wasn't worth it. I never loved to fight like Taylor did, but I guess I felt like I had to be loyal. At least, that kind of loyalty was important to me up until the day I got baptized and really turned my life over to the Almighty God.
Unfortunately, I had a few instances of backsliding during my early twenties, but I finally got it right.
I put my hand up to my forehead as a headache started. “I'm sorry. It's just that I thought we wanted to do the international adoption thing—”
“No,
you
wanted to do the international thing, and I said I'd go along with it 'cause that's what you wanted,” Joshua said.
“So, are you saying you didn't want to adopt Kiano, or did you not want to adopt period?”
Joshua clenched his teeth. “I didn't say that.”
“No, but which is it?” I asked.
“Neither.”
“Well, what exactly are you saying because I'm not understanding?”
“When I went to see you in Kenya, you were so happy, so content,” Joshua said.
“Yes, I was, and then you told me you still wanted to marry me and said you wanted me back, the whole me.”
Joshua sighed. “I did.”
I tried to hold back the tears that were forcing their way out. “Well, the whole me came along with my dreams, and you knew one of those dreams was to adopt a child from Kenya. I told you that.”
“Yes, you did, and I agreed,” he answered calmly.
I was frantic. “But now you're saying something different.”
“It was my mistake for agreeing to everything without being specific,” Joshua said.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. “Your
mistake
?”
“I'm just saying that we'll have to wait,” Joshua said.
“Because of your selfish mother.” I was so upset that I really wanted to say more but I bit my tongue for Joshua's sake. What kind of mother blackmails her own son? I didn't want to say that to him, but that was the whole of the matter. Mother Benning was using her money to manipulate us, and it was working because there were times I wanted to tell Joshua to just do whatever needed to be done. I just wanted to get that money out of Mother Benning's hand, but I knew that would be underhanded, and that I'd be stooping as low as she had.
“Now, you're out of line.” The veins in Joshua's neck bulged up.
“Oh, I'm sorry again.” I rolled my eyes. “I mean, because your mother will no longer be loaning us the money she promised she would.”
“Look, I know it's a mean thing to do, but what can I do about it? Right now, I'm so strapped with bills from school, from the doctor's office, and from Delilah's old lifestyle, I don't know what in the world to do.”
“I don't know. It seems like you should've cut off her spending a long time ago. You're in banking, Josh. There's no reason for your finances to be this messed up.”

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