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Authors: Ashea S. Goldson

BOOK: Count It All Joy
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Chapter Thirty-three
Alex
 
Okay, so it was official. Joshua and I were on serious cease and desist. By the time I finished explaining to him about Seger's offer, he was livid. Couldn't he understand how important Kiano's adoption was to me and that Seger was just trying to be helpful?
Joshua was pacing across the hardwood floors in our living room as I sat on the couch.
“First, you're out there working too hard, trying to help everyone. I mean, you knew this pregnancy was high risk from the beginning, but you insisted on continuing with these projects.”
“What projects? It's one project, and that's the Young Women's Giving Life Ministry. You know how important that is to me.”
“What about me? Aren't I important to you?”
“That's a stupid question, Josh.”
“You're out there trying to help everybody else. You've got to slow down and help us, okay?” He stopped and turned to face me.
“I'm sorry.” I avoided his eyes.
Joshua looked solemn. “I don't want to lose you or this baby.”
“I'm sorry,” I said.
“I don't know what I'd do if—” he snapped back. “You can't be sneaking around behind my back, making adoption plans and undermining my authority by talking to people like Seger about our marital problems.”
“First of all, I'm not sneaking and doing anything. Not like you were sneaking around with Yvonne planning to meet with a surrogate mother. Second, I'm not trying to undermine you in anyway. And third, Kiano is not a marital problem.”
“But it is our problem, and it's none of anyone's business. I don't need some African missionary—”
“Now, that's not nice at all. I'm disappointed in you.” I couldn't believe he said that. Was he that insecure that he would resort to using ethnic slurs in order to tear down Seger? Was this
really
the man I married?
“I'm sorry, but I'm disappointed too—ever since you started this campaign against me.”
“What do you mean against you?”
“You know I'm working as hard as I can to secure our future, yet you're out whispering about it behind my back, telling everyone how broke we are.”
“What? Now you
know
that's not true.” I put both hands on my hips. “Besides, we're not broke.”
“That's how you make me feel, though. All I need now is your father on my back too.”
“My father? Hold up, wait a minute. What does he have to do with this?”
“That would just seal it,” Joshua said.
“Seal what?”
“Oh, come on, admit it. You know he never liked me anyway.”
“That's not true.” I didn't want to hear all of this.
“You know it is. I was never good enough for his precious daughter.”
“It's not that.” I wanted to throw out something mean. “He just doesn't like the way your family treats people, and me in particular.”
There was a lot of bad blood between the Bennings and my father. He never did like their snobbish ways. When he found out that Mother Benning had hired a private investigator in order to discredit me to Joshua before we were married, that was it for him. My father told me, for the record, that God Almighty Himself would have to come down before he fooled with the likes of them again. Now my father was stubborn so I knew not to press for any family get-togethers or anything like that any time soon. Still, I hoped he'd calm down eventually, and that this new grandbaby would help to bring us all together.
“Well, I do apologize for their behavior,” Joshua admitted. “They are too much sometimes.”
“I apologize too,” I said.
Joshua's forehead wrinkled up. “I just don't want my business out in the streets.”
I softened. “I'm sorry, Joshua. That was never my intention.”
“And that Seger person ...”
“Seger is a nice guy, and he's just a friend. You know that.”
Joshua's voice was unstable. “I don't know what I know anymore. I see the way he looks at you.”
“Looks at me
what
way?”
Joshua's jaws tightened. “Like he wishes you two were more than just friends.”
For a moment I had a flashback of Seger and me in Kenya, the time before Joshua came to claim me. He had been so compassionate with the children and generous with his advice about relationships. A devout missionary, he had shared more than his time, but also his heart with me.
It had seemed that he had a slight interest in me initially, but he had said nothing since he knew I was engaged again, and had certainly done nothing since I had been married.
Certainly nothing out of line since I was a married woman.
“Oh, come on. Seger is just friendly like that with everybody.” I waved him away with my hand. “You're overreacting ... again.”
“I'm not.”
“You're jealous.” I came up behind Joshua and put my arms around his waist.
“I'm not.” Joshua peeled my hands off of him and turned around to face me. He held my wrists tightly. “I'm just protecting my investment.”
“
Investment?
” I jerked away from his grasp. “Mr. Banker, I'm
not
a piece of property.”
Joshua let go of me, and I stumbled backward a little. “No, but you are my wife—or have you forgotten that?”
Chapter Thirty-four
Joshua
 
It's funny that my dad told me not to ever marry a hardheaded woman, that I'd have trouble for the rest of my days if I did. I wondered why he never listened to his own advice. Of course, hardheaded was only the half of it when it came to describing my mom. But this wasn't about Mom. This was about me and my wife. Why couldn't she just be the wife and mother she was supposed to be? And just be happy with that? Why did I keep getting mixed up with these women who wanted more? No matter how many times I tried, I couldn't get past the fact that Alex was disrespecting me. I mean, what did I have to do to be treated like a man?
Wasn't a husband who loved his wife and worked hard enough for women anymore?
I didn't even know. I hardly felt like a man of God, even though I knew I still was.
Lord, help me to be the man you designed me to be
. The pressure made me feel like I was losing it sometimes. I yelled at my wife. I slammed doors. I had become everything I knew I never wanted to be.
Granted, my parents didn't act like that, so where in the world did I pick this up from?
Then I remembered the summers I spent with my aunt and uncle up in Maine when I was young. Sure, they tried to cover it up, to hide it from me and my cousins. But none of us were blind. We could see auntie's black eyes even under the designer sunglasses. Besides, when our uncle would slip away for a few days where no one could find him, then finally trudge back to the house with roses and jewelry, we knew it wasn't because of love, but because of guilt. I pounded my fist against my hand because I wanted to be a better man than that. Sure, I hadn't hit her or cheated on my wife, but I had hurt her with my actions and even my words. Why was I so angry anyway? So, knowing God, and seeing the direction I was heading, I decided it was time to get outside help.
One call to Pastor Martin's office was all it took. His secretary made the appointment and I knew from that point on he would be willing to help as long as I wanted him to. Pastor Martin was a good man like that. He always took time out of his busy schedule to help the members of his congregation, and not just the members, but also visitors from the community as well. He walked the neighborhood encouraging people to vote. He carried food to those in need.
He went to personally visit the sick and shut-in. He organized soul-winning crusades and was first in line to knock on doors. And on any given day he could be seen cutting the grass in front of the church along with the deacons or fixing a leaky pipe in the church. Yes, he was a hands-on preacher, and I admired him for that.
I sat down in the soft leather chair in front of Pastor Martin. His sense of authority loomed over me before he even began to speak.
“To what do I owe this pleasure, Deacon, uh, excuse me, Minister Joshua?” Pastor Martin extended his hand.
The first time I counseled with him was last year after I had broken off the engagement to Alex. I was so stupid then, getting caught up in Yvonne's web of deception, and then discovering that Alex had been keeping a big secret from me. Imagine my surprise when I found out that my fiancée was hiding the fact that she'd had an abortion years ago. The same fiancée that listened to me bare my soul about my deceased wife and how she died butchering our own child. Yet, Alex never said a word about her own experience. I must admit that was a hard one to swallow, especially given all the trust issues I was dealing with. I got over it, though.
This visit was a little different. This time, my whole life was at stake. I smiled and shook his hand. “Pastor, there have been a lot of things on my mind lately.”
“Things like what?”
“Sir, I've been keeping some things from my wife.”
“Oh, is that all? Well, that's easily resolved. Just sit down with her and tell her what's on your mind.”
“With all due respect, sir, how can I tell Alex what is eating me up inside?” I leaned forward in the chair and put my hands on his desk. “How can I get Alex to understand the seriousness of the financial hole Delilah, my deceased wife, put me in? I mean, she knows about the bills, but she just doesn't understand. She doesn't know what it's like for me to have promised to take care of her, and yet, we're barely getting by.”
“So you have financial issues?” Pastor Martin leaned back in his chair. “Did something change?”
“Excuse me?”
Pastor Martin rubbed his forehead. “You didn't get a pay cut or lose your job, did you?”
“No, sir, nothing like that. It's just that we do have considerably more expenses.”
“More expenses? Enlighten me.”
“Like we had been seeing a fertility specialist before my wife became pregnant.”
“A specialist. How did that come about?”
I remembered the day Brother and Sister Jameson told us about Dr. Henley, how he had helped them through their infertility issues. This conversation took place right after we were married, just as we had started trying. I listened carefully to the details, not because I expected Alex and me to have problems conceiving, but because the Jamesons were cool people, and I was really happy for them. The whole church knew they were trying to have a baby for years, so when it finally happened for them, it was no secret. It was a celebration.
“He was recommended by friends of ours when we weren't able to conceive on our own.”
“Really? And who told you that lie?” Pastor Martin didn't play around. He said what he meant, and he meant what he said.
“Excuse me, sir?”
“Who told you that you couldn't conceive on your own?” Pastor Martin looked straight at me and hardly blinked.
“Well, no one, sir.”
“I mean, you and Sister Alex are fairly young, and you haven't been married that long, so I don't understand the need to bring in a specialist.”
“We wanted to start a family right away.”
“I see.”
“Anyway, it was very expensive.” I loosened my collar.
“I can imagine.”
I took a deep breath. “Then there are all these credit card bills in my name, as well as some joint accounts from my deceased wife.”
“So does Alex know about these bills?” Pastor Martin pulled out a pair of glasses from his desk and put them on.
“Yes, she knows some of it. My first wife, Delilah, was something else. She believed in having all the finer things in life at whatever cost. Alex knows that, but she doesn't know how hard it is for me.”
“I see.”
“I don't like to talk about the details, but Alex knows the woman basically sucked me dry.”
Dry was only the half of it. Delilah was like a barracuda when it came to getting what she wanted. I only wished I hadn't been such a weakling when she was alive and playing me.
“Okay,” Pastor Martin said.
“Then with my tuition expenses, and money for the new baby ...”
Pastor Martin pulled his glasses down on his nose. “Tell me about this new baby.”
“Like I said before, we wanted a child right away.”
“That much is obvious if you were seeing a fertility specialist, but you already have a daughter. And you never explained the reason for the rush.”
“Well, to be honest, Pastor, ever since I lost Delilah and the child she was carrying, I've felt empty.”
“Have you grieved the loss of your first family, Joshua?”
“I have, sir,” I answered.
“It seems to me that you may be trying to replace that child that was lost by quickly having another one—a life for a life.”
“I never looked at it that way before. I tried not to really look at it at all. Every time I did, it cut me to the core.”
“That happens frequently with parents who lose children.” Pastor Martin started plundering in his desk drawer. “How does Alex feel about it?”
“She used to think I was pressuring her, and we had a lot of problems because of it, but she's pregnant now so ...”
“So the baby is not necessarily a problem?”
“No, the biggest problem is that I just don't know how to tell her that I feel like I'm drowning in debt when I promised to take care of her.”
Pastor Martin looked directly into my eyes. “So you feel guilty?”
“I feel like I'm letting her down. Before we got married I told her she didn't even have to work. I wasn't even happy when she wanted to work part-time because I wanted her to be home with Lilah.”
“And you wanted another child also?”
“Yes, I wanted another child also. Now, with everything that's going on at home and at work ... I just don't know, Pastor,” I said.
“What's going on at work?”
I remembered the missing money I'd discovered. I definitely didn't want to get into that right now, especially since I was probably worried about nothing. “Nothing important, just work-related stress.”
“Sit down with your wife and talk to her. Sister Alex is a sweet woman. I'm sure she's not unapproachable.”
“It's not just that, but we have a child in Kenya also waiting for us to adopt him.”
Pastor Martin opened his mouth wide. “Another child?”
“Yes, we kind of promised the child, but that was before everything else went wrong.”
“So there have been a lot of broken promises?” Pastor Martin shook his head.
I knew deep inside that this was probably the biggest issue with my wife. I promised her.
I promised her. She kept saying that over and over again. Didn't she know that sometimes things change? If she had been in the room she'd say that I should've kept my promise to her no matter what. Sure, my intentions were good, but it was other unavoidable circumstances that were messing up the promise. Not me. It wasn't my fault. Still, I felt like it was.
“Not intentionally, but yes, there has been a lot of stress on the financial end.”
“Mmm, that's been a big problem these days with the recession and all.”
“But what do I do, Pastor?”
“Well, Brother Joshua, may I suggest that you pray and consider your priorities. What is the most important thing first and foremost? Then go down the list as far as what needs to be done now and what may have to be postponed or cancelled altogether.”
I thought about the obvious and knew Alex wasn't going to like it at all. “Right.”
“I know you've made these plans in your mind, but what is God's will? What does God want you to do? A righteous man's steps are ordered by the Lord.” Pastor Martin pulled his beard. “I don't think you need me to tell you that.”
“No, you're right. I've got to pray for guidance concerning this matter. I've got to seek God's face because right now, sir, I'm a little lost.”
“At least you're enough of a man to admit that you feel that way. Remember, son, you might feel lost, but His sheep hear His voice.”

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