Courage in the Kiss (29 page)

The next morning, Hadley was actually surprised to find that Maxx was genuinely interested in helping her with the wedding arrangements. He expressed a lot of guilt, after last night’s heated encounter, about not noticing her concerns sooner. But she understood that he had worries of his own.

Maxx didn’t just have the baby on his mind, but the business and his father’s unsuccessful retirement. Then there was this ‘emergency’ meeting today, in just an hour’s time that meant they would be making their way to the clinic separately.

Nothing had been easy since the moment she told him she loved him. But that was her life – messy, complicated, and definitely not easy.

“What about New York or Hawaii for the honeymoon?” Maxx suggested, as he flicked through a travel catalogue he’d sprung on her after breakfast that morning.

“Hawaii is lovely,” Emerson agreed from across the living room.

Maxx glanced his way, but didn’t comment as he continued flicking pages.

“I love you, Maxx,” Hadley reminded him, quietly. “But I know you and I’m not going to let you kill yourself trying to give me the wedding you think I want.” She smiled, kissing him softly in protest. She knew exactly what he was doing and that he was using it as a distraction.

“Oh, okay, and what kind of wedding is that?” He laughed, not even bothering to disagree with her.

“The kind of wedding you’d think every woman wanted,” she answered, before elaborating. “Big, extravagant white dress, lots of flowers, church bells, walking down the aisle, big reception party afterward, lots of family and friends, favours for the guests…the whole enchilada.” She rhymed it off casually, but the very idea frightened her. She didn’t want a circus, just something private and personal.

“And you don’t want that,” he guessed, staring at her with open confusion.

“No, I don’t. Just something quiet and intimate. Soft lighting, maybe some candles, and some natural flowers. I don’t mind the church, if it’s small and cosy,” she explained, staring at his hand with a dreamy smile, able to see it there in the front of her mind. “Your dad, Micah, Rowan...Jay and Ronnie...Conway and Abelie...some of your friends…” she continued, in a bit of a dream. “The really important people,” she clarified.

“Alright.” Maxx nodded. “I’d agree with that, so far.”

She smiled fondly, glancing up at him as he ran his hand through her hair. “Just something small…with some nice, soft music…then we’d come back here for a little party. Just a few of us. We’d have our first dance together as husband and wife…”

Suddenly, her smile faded and she realised something utterly strange and terrible.

“What’s wrong?” Maxx wondered, with a faint frown that said, so far, everything had sounded good.

“I just realised,” she replied, looking up at him in surprise. “It will be our first
dance together, since we were around twelve,” she answered, unsure of whether that was a good or bad thing.

“Making it even more special,” he soothed.

Hadley couldn’t help but smile and blush a little at the thought. The last time they’d danced, she’d been twelve and Maxx was getting ready for a school dance. She’d caught him dancing by himself, in the garden, trying to practice. It had gone terribly until she stepped in, silently, and took up a dancing position opposite him.

Maxx had been brave enough to step forward and accept her help. But, although they’d spent nearly an hour dancing, neither had spoken about it. Maxx ran back in after leaving and begged her never to tell anyone. And she never had.

“Yeah, I suppose it would,” she agreed, wondering how it would feel to be back there. To be in a lit garden, with the flower fragrances enhancing her senses and the stars twinkling above, as Maxx took her into his arms to dance with her. “Please tell me you’re better than you were back then?” she teased him with a nudge.

“Watch it,” Maxx disapproved, jokingly. “I’m a hell of a lot better at a lot of things than I was back then. Or have you forgotten that brief kiss, when you were five?” he asked, keeping up the playful banter.

“I’ll never forget,” Hadley promised, knowing that it was impossible to forget any moment that she’d ever shared with Maxx since her existence. Every second with him was precious, and the only fear she hadn’t confessed to him was that she would lose him in a heartbeat if anything went wrong with the baby. Either he wouldn’t be able to look at her anymore, or he would blame her.

And when that day came, she would be left alone, completely broken. All because she’d been stupid enough to think that fate had propelled Maxx into kissing her that first time.

She’d been searching for enough bravery her entire life, to tell him how she felt and to make her move. Yet, all it took was twenty years, some jealousy, and a red dress. With that, she finally had what she wanted.

There
had
been courage in their first kiss, but it wasn’t hers. Maxx was the one with all the courage, and he would be the one to see them through this appointment in one piece. Without him, Hadley knew she’d have fallen apart months ago.

Within two hours, Hadley was sitting in Dr. Stein’s waiting room, biting her nails. Maxx hadn’t arrived yet, but she refused to go in without him. This was something they had to do together, and there was no way she would rob him of being here. Good or bad, Maxx would want to know.

“Are you alright?”

Hadley turned to the young woman sitting beside her and offered a smile. “Just nervous. And you?” she asked, running her hand over the baby. She was more than nervous, but there was no point admitting it.

“Good, thanks. I’m just in for the dreaded smear test,” she admitted in a whisper. “I had a bit of a borderline result last time, so this is confirmation that it’s either something or nothing,” the woman explained.

With a sigh, Hadley nodded and shared her own truth. “I’m in the same boat,” she confessed, deciding there was nothing wrong with sharing her worry until Maxx arrived. “The baby had a hiccup at the first scan, so we’re back a little early,” she continued. She was too afraid to go into detail, not knowing what today’s appointment would result in, but it was only fair to share.

The woman beside her put her hand on her arm and sighed. “I’m sorry. It must be so worrying, but I’m sure you and the baby will be fine. You look healthy,” she noticed, though Hadley wasn’t sure that was the problem.

There was a big difference between looking healthy and feeling healthy. She knew that from Emerson and Eloise, who both had naturally healthy complexions, even when sick. And, right now, Hadley didn’t
feel
healthy. She felt terrified and tired, her back ached, and her feet hurt.

“And I’m sure your results will be better this time around.” Hadley tried to console the woman, regarding her results. That was the part of the tests that she hated; waiting for results and worrying for every second of that time.

“Are you on your own?” the woman asked, looking around, as though to spot someone that should be sitting with her.

Hadley sighed and looked down at her swollen ankles. “My fiancé is at an emergency meeting at work. He’s coming, but I guess he’s been held up,” she explained, wishing that wasn’t the case. “What about you?”

The woman laughed and shrugged it off. “I’m single, but I live with my dad and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t want to know about this stuff. If there’s something to worry about, I’ll tell him. Otherwise, I’m hoping to avoid the discussion altogether,” she said with a beaming smile.

“I understand that,” Hadley agreed. She couldn’t imagine talking to Emerson about her periods or smear tests. It would be absolutely mortifying.

“Hadley Young,” a nurse called from beside the desk.

She ran her hand over the baby and stood from her seat, as the nurse recognised her from the last appointment and made her way over. “Um...I’m still waiting for Maxx. Could you just take the next person?” she asked, trying to stall for time. All she needed was a few more minutes for Maxx to arrive. She didn’t want to go in without him.

“Sure thing.” The nurse offered a smile and turned to the next name on her clipboard. “Eden Saint-Ryan,” she called.

“Oh, that’s me.” The woman sitting beside Hadley laughed as she stood up. “Here’s hoping you’re a good luck charm for me,” she teased, waving goodbye as she left with the nurse.

After three other patients went in before her, Dr. Stein came out and called Hadley’s name himself. “I’m sorry, Hadley, but we can’t put it off much longer,” he apologised, while looking around the room.

Maxx still hadn’t arrived and time was getting on, so she knew the doctor was right. In just two more hours, the clinic would be closed and there were fewer and fewer patients left to take her place.

“Alright,” she agreed, nodding as she got up and followed him into the examination room. “But, if he arrives while we’re inside, will someone show him in?” she asked, worried that he would miss this important visit.

“Of course,” Dr. Stein reassured her, ushering her into the room. “I know you don’t want to be alone for this appointment, but we really can’t wait.”

“I understand.”

Once inside the room, it only took a few minutes to lift her T-shirt over her growing stomach and apply the gel. Then Dr. Stein remained silent, as he brought up the image of her baby on the screen.

Knowing what to expect from the last appointment, she watched him press the key to bring up the heartbeat. She waited and waited, but there was only silence.

“Are the speakers working?” Hadley asked, panic rising as the room remained deathly quiet.

Dr. Stein pressed a few more buttons, but there was still nothing. After moving the device around the gel a little more and examining the picture, he let out a sigh and switched off the machine.

When he looked her way, Hadley knew what was wrong and couldn’t hide from it any longer. The tears welled and she looked down at her baby bump, holding her hands to the gel covered protective barrier that had failed.

“I’m so sorry, Hadley. There’s no heartbeat,” he apologised, gently placing his hand on top of hers.

“I knew...” she confessed in a whisper. “There’s been no kicking...I...I just knew,” she cried, struggling to fight against the tears.

“It was a hazard,” Dr. Stein agreed, gripping her wrist in condolence. “We knew that the heart issues were indeterminate, until this scan. I know it’s no help to you now, but this may have been on the cards since day one. I doubt there was anything we could have done,” he explained, his voice taking on that calm, placating tone that he’d had when he said the heart stutter was nothing more than stress.

Hadley didn’t blame him. He’d said the same thing as the other doctor, and she’d known something wasn’t right herself. She had a feeling that even Maxx knew.

And now she’d have to break the news to him. Somehow.

“I’ll give you a few minutes to absorb the news, then we’ll talk about what to do now,” he suggested, turning away to grab a few paper towels. He handed them over and watched her carefully.

“Please just tell me now,” she asked, wiping her stomach clean before sitting up and hugging her knees. The baby bump got in the way and reminded her that she’d keep the memory of this baby for a long time.

“I’d really rather you had someone with you,” Dr. Stein protested.

“I know, but I don’t know why Maxx isn’t here,” Hadley argued, trying not to make a scene or take her anger out on him. This wasn’t his fault.

“Your pregnancy is already breaking down by itself and there’s no heartbeat,” he began, pulling off his glasses to clean them. He seemed to be avoiding her, and she couldn’t blame him. “You haven’t miscarried yet, but it’s only time,” he explained.

“So,” Hadley swallowed and blinked back her tears, “what does that mean, exactly?” she wondered.

Dr. Stein cleared his throat, and put his glasses back on to look up at her. “We’ll have to do a Dilation and Curettage, a D&C, but the soonest we can book you in is in four days. You might feel some pain in your lower back and some stomach cramps or period pain until then. I’m very sorry.” He rambled a little, as though not knowing what to say.

“Book me in as soon as possible, please,” she asked, turning to gaze out the window. She had a feeling she’d be here for a while, as they booked the appointment.

As Hadley watched the clouds passing by, Dr. Stein talked and moved around in the background of her thoughts. He said something about having booked her appointment, tried to place a piece of paper into her hand, but slipped it into her bag when she didn’t move to take it.

She was in such a daze that she could barely think, tears slipping over her cheeks as the world passed her by.

The next thing she knew, a car honk woke her from her stupor and she blinked away the fog from her mind. Hadley looked up and found herself in the middle of the road as a car screeched to a stop, just a foot from her.

She held her hand up in apology and kept walking. She must have been on her way home, and, if not, that was where she was going now. She needed to get home, but she didn’t know what would happen when she got there.

Would Maxx still marry her, now that she’d lost the baby?

Hadley wrapped her arms around herself, holding on tight to the last part of her baby that she had left.

How could one tiny heartbeat destroy her entire world?