Courage in the Kiss (32 page)

Maxx lay with Hadley until she fell asleep, then headed downstairs for a stiff drink. He wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take. It felt like a constant two months of pressure, stress, and sadness, as they waited to find out the fate of their baby. Now that they had answers, it still wasn’t over.

It might never be over.

He sank onto the same leather chair where he’d sat and told his dad about the miscarriage, four days ago. It felt like so much longer, because Hadley had barely spoken a word in those four days.

He sipped his scotch and tried not to think for a while. He wanted peaceful oblivion, somewhere to escape to, where the memory of the last few days couldn’t reach him.

“It’s a bit early for that, isn’t it?” his father asked from the doorway. “And where exactly have you been, anyway? I tried to contact you, but your phone went to the machine,” he rambled nervously.

Maxx gestured to the seat opposite him, trying not to spill his drink. “Hadley had her appointment today for her D&C,” he explained.

Neither he nor Hadley had told anyone about the appointment, because they didn’t want anyone showing up or giving them sympathy before or after the fact. They both knew they couldn’t handle it, and it was better not to tempt fate.

“For a...” Emerson stammered and sank onto the chair beside him, just like he’d done four days ago. “I think I’ll have one of those,” he said, getting up again and pouring himself a drink.

They sat in silence for a little while, until his dad had gathered his thoughts. “How is she?” he asked finally, as he stood by the bar, pouring their second drink.

Maxx accepted the glass with a nod. “She’s sleeping. It was...traumatic to see, so I can’t imagine what she’s feeling. They sedated her, though, so we’re hoping that’s saved her from most of the pain,” he admitted, gazing into his glass thoughtfully.

“Maxx, I hate to ask, but there’s never going to be a right time,” his dad began, mirroring his own thoughts about a few choice discussions he had to have with Hadley. “What the hell were you thinking? Sleeping with her, offering no commitment...she’s not that kind of girl,” he argued. And he was right; Hadley wasn’t a ‘fling’ or a one night stand kind of girl.

“I know that,” Maxx grumbled, wishing he didn’t have to do this now. Now. Today, of all days. Trust his dad to find the worst time to talk about something that didn’t even matter anymore. “I wasn’t thinking, alright? I just...I reacted. She was wearing that damned dress, flirting with everyone in sight, and I got jealous. So I figured it was finally time to make a move,” he confessed, finding it hard to think back to that first night together, now that he knew where it had led.

“Hadley knew what she was getting herself in for,” he explained, though he hadn’t been entirely convinced at the time. “I never forced her to be with me. I gave her the choice to walk away, but she didn’t want to.”

“Of course not,” Emerson huffed, sinking into his seat again. “She’s crazy about you. Always has been,” he complained.

Maxx scoffed and took the last drink from his glass. “You didn’t even know how she felt, until she told you she was pregnant. And if she hadn’t been pregnant, you’d never have noticed we were sleeping together,” he reminded him. His own father had been completely oblivious to what was going on in his own house.

“I would have, if the pair of you hadn’t been trying to keep it a damned secret,” his dad bit out, sounding angrier than he needed to be. But then Maxx thought about those adoption papers and tried to smooth the way for the truth.

“Dad, we weren’t good at the whole ‘secrecy’ part,” Maxx warned him. “And, honestly, I thought that first night would be all we had together. I figured it might get her out from under my skin. But it just made it worse. I couldn’t stop thinking about her,” he confessed, placing his empty glass onto the side table.

“Hadley’s always been perfect. She always will be. She’s the only girl who can set anyone in this family straight, without getting sued for it,” he explained, chuckling to himself in amusement. “She’s the only girl who would ever send me a care package while I’m on a business trip, just because I’m sick.”

“A care package?” Emerson asked in surprise.

“It’s a long story,” Maxx said, trying to avoid that conversation. But he did want to talk about something that was bothering him. He’d screwed up so badly with Hadley, taking away all the light in her eyes and the bright future she could have had. “I’m scared, Dad. Hadley’s so young and she’s got her whole life ahead of her. She’s got a life to live. She hasn’t experienced anything yet…” he began, hoping he could vent, without his father digging too deep.

“She should never have to experience being pregnant and having a miscarriage this young. She doesn’t deserve to go through this,” he complained to himself.

“She’s more mature than you think, Maxx,” Emerson protested.

Maxx should have known better than to expect him to keep his mouth shut. He always assumed things that weren’t true. “I know that. I’m not saying she’s a child. I’m just saying that she – that
no one
- should have to go through this,” he snapped, angry that he wasn’t listening.

Upstairs, Hadley woke and patted the empty space beside her. She was sad to find that Maxx wasn’t there, but she knew that he was shouldering the majority of their burden. He’d sat Micah and Rowan down to break the news of the miscarriage, and visited Jay and Ronnie to tell them, too. He’d even invited Conway to the house, to let him know and let him visit.

Maxx had taken care of everything, from telling their friends and family, to telling her about the D&C, talking her through what to expect, and calling off all of his business meetings.

She felt awful for leaving it all in his hands and drifting away from the world, for all that time, but whatever Maxx had done had given her the time she needed, to think and process what was happening.

Throwing the cover back, Hadley slipped out of bed and rubbed her tired eyes. She was thirsty and wanted Maxx, so she got up and slipped on her slippers, before leaving the room.

When she made it to the downstairs hallway, voices from the library guided her toward Maxx and his father. The door was ajar and they were sitting together, drinking. It was an unusual sight, so she hovered and listened to them talk for a moment. She didn’t want to interrupt if Maxx was finally unloading his burden.

“I don’t know, Dad,” Maxx said, rubbing his forehead and looking tired. “I feel like nothing will ever be the same again. I mean...he wasn’t even born yet, but we loved him. He was a part of us. Both of us, and that’s...” His voice trailed off and he shook his head. “It’s not fair. Hadley had her whole life ahead of her, to fall in love, to get married and have babies...and I stole that from her,” he complained.

Hadley leaned against the door frame, beginning to see the light. She’d spent days grieving for their son, but Maxx had spent all that time harbouring guilt, convinced that he’d put her in this position. Convinced that he’d stolen her dreams from her and placed her into some personal hell.

But that wasn’t how she saw it, and she realised he was right about something; they really had to talk. She had to clear the air, before he began to believe his own criticisms.

“Maxx!” Hadley called out before he could keep talking. She pushed the door open and entered the room, hoping to talk some sense into both men.

“Had.” Maxx smiled, as he stood and glanced guiltily at his glass. “I thought you were sleeping,” he added as a last minute thought.

She returned the smile and held out her hand. “You left and I got cold,” she teased, trying to encourage him to go somewhere private and talk. “But I’m still quite tired. Will you come back upstairs with me?” she asked, hoping that appeased Emerson for a while.

Maxx grinned, as he made his way across the room toward her. “Well, when you put it like that, I can hardly refuse, can I?” he replied, taking her hand and leading the way out of the room.

Neither of them spoke to Emerson, but Hadley could see he was lost in his thoughts, so it was probably best not to interrupt that. He’d lost his very first grandchild, and that couldn’t be easy for him.

Everyone in the house had lost someone dear to them, with the miscarriage, and she’d forgotten that until now. She’d been selfish with her grief, leaving everyone else to pick up the pieces of their lives, while she hid away in solitude. No more. She wouldn’t sit by and let other people carry her problems on their shoulders.

Maxx led the way upstairs and into the bedroom, without saying a word. He walked her right to the bed and pulled back the covers again.

Hadley climbed in and waited for Maxx to join her, but he hesitated.

“You really should get some more sleep,” he insisted.

“Just sit with me, Maxx. I want to talk to you about some things,” she explained, holding the cover up to encourage him to climb in beside her. He did so with a smile, but looked worried, as though there was a lot on his mind. She wanted to fix that. “First off, I want you to know that none of this is your fault. I made my choice and I stand by it. These past few months with you...they’ve been amazing, Maxx. And we’re not married yet, so…”

“Stop right there,” Maxx objected, as he sat up against the headboard and propped a few pillows behind his back. “Had, I didn’t want to tell you this now. Not while you were pregnant, and not after today. I didn’t want you to think it was pity or an attempt to give you what you want and deserve,” he began, having some difficulty getting his words out. He couldn’t even look at her.

“I don’t understand,” Hadley said, watching him closely.

“I love you, Had,” he replied.

Love? Did Maxx Williams really just say that he loved her?

She opened her mouth, about to ask him to say it again, when he put his hand over her mouth with a cheeky smile.

“No. Don’t talk just yet,” he asked, looking as nervous as she was, now that she knew what he wanted to talk about. “I want to say it’s been years, but it hasn’t. I think it was when you sent me that care package and told me I had man flu.” He smiled as he spoke, as though fond of the memory. But it only made Hadley flush furiously to recall what had been in that care package.

“Since then, it was getting so bad that I just couldn’t fight it anymore,” Maxx confessed with a deep sigh. He shook his head and raked his hand through his hair, smiling to himself for a moment. “I was going to tell you when I got back from my trip. But then you were pregnant and I didn’t want you to think it was a lie. So I waited. I’ve been scared that there would never be a right time, without it sounding forced or as a result of something that had happened.”

Hadley nodded, knowing that he was right. If he’d said it when she was pregnant, or at the miscarriage, she’d have believed it was sympathy or his way of trying to dull the pain of their loss, or secure their future together. She’d never have believed it was true.

“I mean, if I’d said it during labour,” Maxx continued to explain with a sigh, “It would sound like I loved you for having him. After we were married, it could sound like I was saying what I was supposed to say. And God knows how it would have sounded if I’d told you after the miscarriage,” he confessed, with a thoughtful gaze that settled on the opposite wall.

Hadley couldn’t stop herself; she started to cry. He was right. About everything. He’d always known her better than anyone else, but she hated that she could have known how it felt to hear him say he loved her months ago, and her stupid hormones had stopped him.

She couldn’t imagine how hard it must have been for Maxx to keep quiet, knowing about the baby and never able to say anything. He must have felt so alone and confused, to never have the relief or freedom of being honest.

Maxx tutted at himself and reached up to brush his thumb over her cheek. “Please don’t cry. I didn’t mean to upset you. But I can’t let you leave, either,” he admitted, though she wasn’t sure where he thought she was going. “I’m devastated about the baby, but I know this is a hundred times worse for you. Not because you carried him...and not even because you had to go through continuing to carry him, after we knew he was gone.”

He stopped and put his hand over her stomach. She still had her baby bump and the doctor said it could be there for another few weeks, as a constant reminder of what they’d lost. Dr. Stein had even warned that she could put on weight, due to the meds and emotional eating, in the first few weeks after the surgery.

It was probably the worst news, after hearing that their boy had gone. But feeling Maxx’s hand there was right. Even knowing that she was the only one who could feel it. None of that mattered, because she knew Maxx would always be there with her.

“What hurts me is knowing that this has been your dream for six years. To be carrying my baby,” he finished, making her eyes well up. “I can’t imagine what it’s like, to know he was in there for so long, but he was gone the whole time. And now we can never be with him,” he explained.

Hadley sank into his arms and smiled, as he wrapped his arms around her. Knowing he was willing to hold her and be there for her, during this difficult transition phase was one thing, but knowing he loved her was incredible. And, as much as he’d wanted to wait for the right time, this was it. This was the moment she needed to know that he loved her, that he wasn’t leaving, and that he was in this for the long haul.

“That’s a whole kind of hurt that I’d never want you to feel,” Maxx said, gently brushing his fingers through her hair. “This will never be a good thing. We loved that little boy, and nothing will ease the pain of losing him. Not even having a baby that we plan for, while
knowing
how much we love each other,” he continued, saying all the right things.

Hadley couldn’t have imagined hearing anything more inspiring. She hadn’t realised until now just how scared she’d been that he would say he wanted to try again or that the pain would heal with time. It wouldn’t. Her first baby – the first time she carried a human inside her – had died and left her with a huge hole in her heart.

Maxx took a deep breath and lay his chin on top of her head. “We lost him, Had, and it’s killing me. Don’t make me lose you, too,” he begged.

“I’m not going anywhere,” she promised.

“I know that. I know you’re just hurt, sad, and feeling alone right now,” he admitted, though he didn’t sound too sure of that. “But that’s not what I mean. I’m scared that your body will be here, but
you
won’t be anymore. You’re so sad and distant,” he noticed.

Hadley turned and hid her face in his arm, not sure what to say in response. She knew she’d been quiet, while she thought about everything, but she hadn’t realised it was so bad that he was worried she’d fade away.

“We’re in this together, Had,” Maxx promised. “He was my baby, too. We need to stick together and help each other through this,” he suggested, his voice warm and sending a tingle of contact over her forehead.

Something cold and wet dropped onto her cheek, and she realised that Maxx was crying. Scared that if she started again she would never stop, Hadley held him close and let him release all the pain he’d been holding inside, for her sake.

She didn’t know how long they sat like that; only that it felt like forever and she was scared they’d never stop reliving this moment. It felt like all they’d done over the last two months, since that first scan, was take comfort in each other’s arms. It wasn’t even in the way they’d started taking comfort from each other; at least, back then, it had been a happy moment.

Eventually, Maxx sniffed and pulled away to wipe his cheeks. Then he laughed a little and wiped hers, too. “We should give him a name,” he decided, shocking her out of her thoughts.

“What?”

Maxx put his hand on her stomach, forgetting that their boy wasn’t there anymore. “We should give him a name,” he repeated himself and smiled as he met her gaze. “He deserves that. We loved him, and we should acknowledge that. If we can’t keep him with us, in the world, then we can keep him with us, here,” he said, taking her hand and placing it on his heart.

Yes,
was her first thought. They loved their boy and he
did
deserve a name. He deserved to be remembered and thought of often, to become a member of the Williams family, even if he couldn’t be there with them.

“What do you want to call him?” Hadley asked, wondering if he had a name in mind.

“Maybe...Ruben, after your father?” he suggested, his fingertips drifting over her neck as he played with her hair.

“That would be nice. To remember both of them,” she agreed. It was a beautiful thought; they’d both been taken from the world too soon, and her dad would probably have loved to have their son named after him. Hadley looked up and brushed her thumb over his bottom lip. “I love you, Maxx,” she whispered.

Maxx smiled and kissed the flesh of her thumb. “I love you, too, Hadley.” He curled his fingers around her wrist and gently pulled her hand from his mouth. “I think we should postpone the engagement party, in respect for our loss,” he suggested quietly.

Hadley nodded her agreement. That wasn’t something she had to think about. “Yes. I can’t...be happy,” she explained, though he probably knew that and felt it himself.

“And we’ll get married when
we’re
ready. If you still want to?” he asked, giving her the chance to change her mind.

But that wasn’t going to happen. Hadley had dreamed of being with Maxx forever, and now she could have that. No matter what else happened in her life, that was one thing that would never change. “Yes.”

Silence fell again, bringing a stillness to the room that seemed to freeze time itself. Hadley held on tight to Maxx, the only real, solid thing left in the world.

“When you’re ready, we start picking up the pieces and making plans,” he continued, though his voice was still hoarse from crying. It only made it sound even sexier.

Hadley smiled at that thought. She hadn’t even noticed how incredibly handsome and seductive it made Maxx, when he said and did things like this. It had been days since they found out about Ruben, and this was the first moment that she had a glimpse of normalcy back. “Plans?” she wondered, trying to stay on track.

Maxx kissed her forehead and nodded. “We need to move out, we should get a plaque or stone for the little guy, and I need to arrange time off work,” he said, reciting their to do list.

“Then we grieve,” she whispered in understanding.

“Then we
heal,”
he corrected her.