Cover Your Eyes (21 page)

‘I'll put in a magnolia tree,' said Lissa. ‘And maybe a Japanese maple as well, with those scarlet leaves in the fall. Something beautiful in any case.'

‘It's wonderful,' Eva said, ‘and it's going to be even better when everything's finished, of course.'

‘Let's go and eat and I'll show you the sketches of what it'll look like inside.'

Now, Jason was speaking to Eva and she returned to what she was supposed to be doing: looking at Frobisher Court. ‘You'll see,' he said, ‘how secure it is. No one gets in without the code. And do notice the communal gardens. At the front, and also round the back. All residents have access to the space but because there are only six flats in the complex, you don't ever feel crowded. No children of course, except as occasional visitors coming to see the residents. And a warden, so that you're always sure of someone on the spot to help with anything you need.'

Until, Eva thought, you get too infirm and ancient and unable even to make yourself a cup of tea or an omelette, and then it's the care home and the plastic chairs in a row in front of the television. She shuddered. But there's no reason to think so negatively, she told herself, as they all walked together into the building. Lissa, she noticed, was exclaiming over every fresh feature Jason drew to their attention.

‘Oh, Eva, it's blissful!' she said, almost before they'd opened the door. I can't concentrate with her squealing, Eva thought, and I could do without Jason as well. She whispered to Lissa: ‘Can you get him to go round with you? I want to see the place by myself and not listen to the whole sales thing. Pretend you're interested, darling. I'd be so grateful.'

‘Your heart's not in this, is it?' Tom said.

‘What do you mean?' We were in his flat, quite early in the morning and it struck me as mad to be lying in bed only an hour or so after I'd got up. I'd told him we could spend the day together and the sun for once was shining outside. Normal people would be out and about doing ordinary stuff. We saw one another so little, according to Tom, that we had to make the most of every minute and that meant that the first thing we did was go to bed, almost as soon as I'd crossed the threshold. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy making love to Tom. I did, and of course he could tell that I did, so that made what he'd just said even harder to understand. He was leaning on his elbow, staring down at me. He said, ‘You were somewhere else.'

I couldn't deny it. He was speaking gently, kindly. He didn't seem to be pissed off with me.

‘I'm not a fool. This Simon character – you're not over him. Not properly. Feels to me like you've been trying too hard to forget him and well … I don't fancy being a sort of comfort blanket for you. Sorry.'

Comfort blanket.
I was about to say something denying this, but he was right. I
had
been using him to cheer myself up. It hadn't occurred to me before but we'd never spoken about anything important. I'd never told him about my childhood, apart from recounting a selection of ‘stupid things I did when I was a teenager' stories. I hadn't gone into detail about Simon and I wouldn't have dreamed of telling Tom about dead babies or rooms at Salix House that I thought might be haunted.

‘I could love you,' he carried on, ‘but I can't see that there's much point in it. I don't want to go on with this kind of … The way we feel about one another, I mean. The way you feel about me. Or don't feel about me.'

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. In the end I said, ‘But I do like you so much, Tom. We can still be friends, can't we?'

‘Yes. Of course we can. But we'd better stop all this …' He waved a hand over the bed. ‘Though I'll miss you. You know that, Megan, right?'

‘We can still see each other, can't we? Have a drink every so often?'

‘I guess. It won't be the same, but it's better than nothing.' He got up and started dressing. ‘Actually, there's rather a lot I've got to do today, what with the Nativity Play, so perhaps …'

I could take a hint. ‘Okay, no problem. I've got stuff to do too. I ought to run an errand for Eva. She needs supplies for her sewing and I might have to take her up to town or something. She's busy doing the costumes for
The Boy Friend
. See you soon, okay?'

It was a lie. I knew Eva had gone to London to meet her friend Lissa but I needed to be on my own. I just wanted to be out of there. Part of me hurt a little. I'd come to rely on Tom, devoted, in the background. Even though I'd arrived at his house this morning meaning to pull back a bit from getting too involved. He held the door for me as I left and said, ‘Bye, Megan. Sorry it hasn't worked out. See you soon.' And he kissed me on both cheeks.

Even though I'd been thinking about dumping him, Tom had beaten me to it. He didn't seem exactly heartbroken either, I told myself. It's never pleasant to be given the push, but I was relieved in a way. We could still be friends, and I decided that I'd do everything I could to be nice to him, within strict limits. He's a nice man, I told myself. He deserves to find someone who loves him, and I can't. I looked at my watch. It was half past eleven and the weekend. I could drive home and go for a walk. The girls were out with Conor and Rowena visiting some friends and they weren't due back till after five o'clock. The weather was perfect: sunshine and frosty air and pale blue skies. I'd go and have lunch in the Fox and Hounds. I would go the long way round, through the fields at the back of Salix House. I reckoned it was less than two miles. Walking would give me time to think.

I'd been striding along for about twenty minutes when I heard someone calling my name. I turned, thinking that perhaps Tom had come after me. I peered at a figure waving at me. The sun was in my eyes so I couldn't see clearly but it looked like Luke Fielden. As he approached, he said, ‘Hello, Megan. How nice to run into you like this!'

‘How could you see who I was from so far away?'

‘I recognized your walk,' he said. ‘I'm on my way to the Fox and Hounds for lunch.'

‘Oh,' I said, wondering if I should admit that was where I was going too. ‘Do join me,' he said. ‘I'd love some company. They do very nice Ploughman's.'

‘Thanks,' I said and added, ‘I was going there too. There's no one at the house and it's such a lovely day that I wanted to get out.'

‘Right,' he said and we walked along in silence for a minute or two. Then he said: ‘Have you heard that my latest offer on the house has been accepted?'

‘Well …' I didn't know how to continue. I was thinking of Eva and how unhappy she would be at this news. Luke said, ‘You don't have to be polite. I know how you feel about Mrs Conway leaving the house. I can see it'll be hard for her, but there's no way they can keep the house. That's what Rowena's said. And I'm sure Eva'll find a place she likes in the end. I certainly hope so. I'd hate to be seen as the one driving her out of the home she loves. But like I said: if I don't buy it, someone else will. ‘

‘I know,' I said. ‘You're right of course.' I smiled at him. He was dressed in jeans and a Barbour jacket and had a scarf round his neck that looked like cashmere. Not wearing a suit made him more approachable. More normal. He didn't seem a bit arrogant.

‘If you buy the house and the family moves to London,' I said, ‘I can start looking for work as a journalist again.'

‘Yes, Eva told me that you worked at
lipstick
. You came to interview her, she said.'

‘That's right. I'm not a nanny, even though Dee and Bridie are lovely and it's not as bad a job as I feared it might be. Also I love Salix House and yes, I do feel sorry for Eva but of course you're right.' I wanted to add that if anyone was going to buy it I was glad it would be him, but before I could, we reached the pub and he said, ‘Let me buy you a drink and a Ploughman's.' I thanked him and went to sit at a small table to wait. I realized as I watched him crossing the pub with our drinks that I knew very little about him. I said so, as soon as he sat down.

‘Well, there's nothing to know really. I'm thirty-seven years old. I work too hard. I'm going to buy Salix House. I've a sister called Marion who lives in Belstone. It's one of the reasons I've been so keen to buy something in this area—'

I don't know why I said what I said next. Maybe it was because he mentioned Salix House.

‘D'you believe in ghosts?' I asked him suddenly and then paused because he didn't answer at once. I added, ‘I'm sorry. Don't answer if you don't want to. It's a bit of a mad question.'

Luke looked straight at me, unsmiling. ‘It depends what you mean by ghosts,' he said at last, and he was speaking very quietly so that I had to lean forward a little to hear him. ‘I do still see them, or at least I think I'm seeing them. That's my wife and son. Who are –,' he looked down, taking a long time to get a sip of his beer – ‘dead. I'm a widower.'

‘Oh my God,' I said, feeling sick with mortification. ‘I'm so sorry. I had no idea. That must be … how awful.'

‘I don't mind talking about it. It's been four years. My wife and baby son were killed. Really, Megan, there's no need to apologize.'

There was nothing to say. I made a sound in my throat like a kind of groan and flailed about for words. I blinked back tears and couldn't find anything to say that didn't sound flat and inappropriate.

Luke went on: ‘They died in a car crash on the way back from the supermarket. Ridiculous sort of crash, out of nowhere. No adverse weather conditions, no bad roads, nothing strange or exotic. Just a common-or-garden fatal accident. She was going too fast … a bit too fast and someone else was going much too fast. There you go. Bad luck. Alison, Mattie and the other driver dead at the scene. Mattie should have been with me. He was often with me when Alison went shopping. He loved going in the trolleys and that day, he'd made such a fuss when we tried to suggest that he stayed at home. Alison was in a rush and she was shopping for a dinner party and didn't want him distracting her. But in the end … well, I should've put my foot down and insisted he stayed with me. I didn't insist. Part of me was happy, can you believe that? Relieved that I could do some work from home for a bit and didn't have to be saddled with Saturday morning childcare. Jesus.'

Luke put one hand over his mouth and closed his eyes briefly. ‘And sometimes I think I've seen them. I'll see a toddler, wearing the same kind of clothes, or a woman who walks just like Alison. On the street, in the shops. It's not them, and I know it's not but there's a second when whoever it is looks enough like them to trick me. Just for a heartbeat. It's happening less and less as time goes on. At the beginning … well. They were everywhere in the house. So I got rid of the house and bought a flat that was the exact opposite of what our home had been like.' He smiled. ‘My flat is very modern and functional and minimalist. It's hard to be minimalist when a kid's around.' He sounded like his normal self again and he began to talk about his upstairs neighbours who were from Switzerland and gave fondue parties every month. Then food came, and even though the talk had left the subject of his dead wife and child, I hardly noticed what I was swallowing.

‘It's good, isn't it?' he asked.

‘Yes, it is,' I said but the truth was I wouldn't have cared one jot if it had been a burger and chips at McDonald's. I was too busy readjusting my view of him. I'd thought of him as a bit stand-offish, but maybe he was simply unhappy. How long did it take to get over a bereavement like that? I wanted to ask him other questions but didn't feel I knew him well enough. He said, speaking gently, ‘We
can
go on talking, you know. I didn't mean to put a cloud over the day.'

‘No, it's fine, really. It's just …' I wanted to say:
It's so sad
, but stopped myself in time. That would have been both stupid and obvious. I drank some of my cider.

He said, ‘Let's talk about you. Are you actively looking for a job?'

‘No, I'm not. But I ought to start if the Fitzpatricks are going to move. I left London … well.' I don't know why I said what I said next but maybe it was because I was starting to like him. I said, ‘I sort of had to come here. I couldn't stay in London. Couldn't stay at
lipstick.
I had an affair with my boss. Simon was his name. Simon Gradwell. What happened was my fault. I knew from the start he was married. I didn't … It was mad. And wrong of both of us, and I should have put a stop to it, I suppose. But I
did
love him. I thought, for a while, that he'd leave his wife but he didn't. His wife became pregnant and he chose her. I can understand it.'

I must have sounded less cheerful than I was trying to be because Luke put out a hand and covered my hand and squeezed it. Then he took his hand away and said: ‘Don't blame yourself, Megan. It's a horrible thing to happen. Particularly bad that you felt you had to leave your job, but you'll get over it and I'm sure it won't be long before you find another job.'

‘Things are pretty dire in newspapers and magazines,' I said. ‘I'm not sure many jobs are coming up.'

‘Look,' Luke said, ‘Eva told me I shouldn't say anything about this. She's very protective of you and didn't want you to be hurt, but you've brought up Simon Gradwell's name and I feel it would be dishonest if I didn't tell you at once that I know him a bit. Not at all well, but I run into him sometimes. I saw him just the other day. I was in the hospitality tent at a rugby match. He was with his wife, who was very obviously pregnant. Oh God, Eva will be angry with me now. I hope you aren't—'

‘What? What did you say?'

‘Megan? What's wrong? You've gone quite white, Megan. What's the matter?'

‘I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I must have misheard you.' I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I counted to ten and then opened them again to see Luke staring at me anxiously. He must have made a mistake. I said, ‘Did you say Gail Gradwell was with Simon? And pregnant?'

‘Yes. I spoke to both of them for a bit. There were crowds of people about but I remember thinking the whole occasion must have been tiring for her.'

‘Luke, I'm sorry. This has been so nice and thanks for telling me that you know Simon. That was good of you. But I've got to go now. Everyone will be back at Salix House soon and I've got so much to do before they get home. Thanks for the lunch. I've had such a good time.' I could hear myself babbling.

‘Let me come with you. You look—'

‘No, no really.'

‘Then another time. Will you let me take you to dinner? If give you my card will you phone me? Just to say you're okay?'

My head was filled with fog. I heard the word
dinner
and couldn't think why it was being said and why to me. I wanted, I needed, only to leave the pub. To get out of there. To be on my own. I felt as if I was holding back a flood and I knew that if I started to speak, I'd lose control entirely. So I nodded and he gave me a card which I put into the pocket of my coat. And then I left the pub and went back into the fields I'd come through with Luke and started running as fast as I could, as though there was some hope of outrunning my thoughts.

*

Lissa went off with Jason in one direction and Eva was free to look at the flat on her own. She stood in the small hallway and gazed around her. I feel comfortable, she thought. She liked the colour of the walls: a pale, oyster grey on which any picture would look good. She liked the height of the ceiling. She liked the space. Every room was airy and well proportioned and while Eva realized that of course it was bound to look a bit more cluttered when her furniture was in, the whole flat gave an impression of both space and light. The sitting-room/dining-room window opened on to the communal garden and beyond that she could see a child's swing in the garden of an adjoining house. A small girl in a blue jacket was playing on the swing and because every leaf had fallen from the trees, Eva could see her quite clearly. The double-glazed windows shut out the traffic sounds from the main road, which was just round the corner.