Cover Your Eyes (25 page)

‘Really? How did you manage that? Oh, I'm so relieved. And the girls will be too. What happened? ‘

‘I went and found her at Tom Shoreley's flat and I apologized.'

‘Really? That's amazing!'

Eva knew what she meant. According to Rowena, her mother took the well-known advice about never apologizing and never explaining to ridiculous extremes. She let it pass and said nothing. Rowena then started asking about the flat.

‘Where is Frobisher Court? I'll need to come and see it.'

No, you won't
, Eva thought.
It's none of your business
. Then she felt bad about giving room in her head to such unkind thoughts about Rowena, who, after all, only wanted to make sure that her mother wasn't making a dreadful mistake.

‘It's in Chalk Farm,' she said, ‘near Lissa's Costume Museum. The one I told you about.'

‘That's miles away from where we're going to be. You might have thought of that.' Rowena sounded at the same time so petulant and so exasperated that Eva wished you could say:
Take that tone out of your voice
to someone over forty.

‘I did think of that and I decided that the problem wasn't one we couldn't get over. There
is
transport in London. Taxis, and free tubes and buses for me. I've said this before to you and you pooh-poohed it then but it's true.'

‘I can't discuss it now,' Rowena said. ‘I'm going to see to the girls' baths.'

‘They were thrilled that Megan was coming back,' Eva said. ‘That's surely something to be happy about.'

‘It is. I'm very happy about it. But I can still wish your flat was nearer to the house we're buying. Never mind!'

*

My phone rang while I was in the supermarket. For a moment I considered letting it go to voicemail but then I worried that it might be Eva.

‘Hello?'

‘It's Luke. Luke Fielden.'

‘Right! Right!' God, what a stupid thing to say. And say twice, what's more. I tried again. ‘It's very nice to hear from you.'

‘I was worried about you. You seemed … you were very distressed when you left the pub and I wondered—'

‘Oh God, I'm sorry. I meant to phone you and say I was okay. I am okay. I mean, thanks so much for ringing and wondering.' How, I asked myself, did he find my number? As though I'd asked the question aloud, he said, ‘I rang Eva and asked her for your number. I didn't tell her why I wanted to phone you, of course, but she gave me your number. Hope that's okay?'

Suddenly, I wanted to see him again. I wanted that much more than was reasonable. I said, ‘Fine! I'm glad you rang, really. I should have got in touch with you. Thank you for the lunch, by the way.

‘We'll do it again when I get back. Or dinner perhaps. I'm in Germany, but I'll be in touch when I return, okay?'

I nodded and then realized that he couldn't see me. ‘Okay!' I said. ‘That'd be lovely.'

‘Right! Goodbye, Megan. Take care.'

‘Bye,' I said and the call was over. I stared at the phone. There was the number. I could ring him back. I could say:
I can explain about running off
. He hadn't asked me why I'd done that. Was that kind of him, or did it mean he didn't care? Never mind, he said he'd ring when he came back. I hadn't asked when that was. I went around picking up what I needed for making supper and most of the time I was in a kind of dream, thinking about my chocolate brownies.

*

Conor came into the study and looked around.

‘Isn't Rowena here, Eva?' he said.

‘She's just gone up to do the girls' baths.'

He sank down into the sofa and pushed the hair back off his forehead. ‘What a bloody awful day!' he said, and Eva tried not to smile. Really, this room was like a confessional chamber for moaners, she thought. What on earth could have happened to make the generally cheerful and phlegmatic Conor sound so upset? She said, ‘Is anything wrong, Conor? Anything you can tell me?'

‘You could say. Take a look at that.' He stood up again and gave Eva a sheet of paper. ‘That came in today's post. I need a huge gin and tonic. How I'm going to break it to Rowena I really don't know.'

Eva stopped listening to him as she read. She hated legal letters and this was from Rowena and Conor's solicitor. She read it and then read it again.

‘Does this mean what I think it means?' she asked.

‘'Fraid so. The Fosters seem to be unable to get a mortgage so they've taken their house off the market and we can no longer buy it.'

‘Oh, God!' Eva's hands flew to her mouth. Rowena was going to be in despair. She closed her eyes. I don't want to be here when she hears that news, Eva thought. Rowena and Conor were back where they'd started, as though the last two months hadn't happened. How strangely things turn out. She, who used to be the only person in Salix House who didn't want to sell it and move, was now both actively looking forward to leaving it and also in a position to do so. It's funny, Eva thought. I don't want to stay in Salix House any longer. I haven't been content here for a long time.

The first few years of her marriage had been happy, or partially happy but after that, what was there? Nothing but a kind of desert filled with childcare which Eva hated, more and more distance between herself and Antoine and no contact with the world of her work. Time had passed and turned her from Eva Conway, dress designer, into a person whom no one really needed. Rowena's daughters had been like lights in the general darkness of her landscape. She loved them and was happy to be living with them, but they were getting older now and more and more, they'd be off, gone to follow their own interests and she'd be nothing but a granny to visit from time to time. The days of Dee and Bridie jumping on to her bed in the early mornings were almost over.

Maybe she should have left as soon as she'd made the house over to Rowena and Conor. Perhaps it was only Angelika who'd been keeping her here. Eva had been so convinced of her own badness long ago that staying in the house while Angelika was still present was a way of demonstrating goodness; of proving that she wouldn't leave her sister for a second time. Now that Angelika's shadow was lifted, it was as though Salix House, too, had lost its hold over Eva. Was it possible that what bound her to the house wasn't happiness but its opposite? She thought now: that's the way I coped with it. The guilt from her childhood, her marriage with all its attendant frustrations and miseries and the horror of Rowena's first few days of life had coalesced in her mind to form a network of interlocking memories and feelings which filled the whole of her horizon at Salix House and which she'd managed to convince herself meant that she loved the place and couldn't leave it. Angelika's ghost had now given her permission to leave.

*

‘But,' said Tom, ‘I don't believe in ghosts.'

I'd told him the whole story over dinner. He listened carefully, not interrupting except to exclaim at the tastiness of the chicken casserole I'd made. The brownies were waiting near the oven and I knew those were good because I'd had one almost as soon as they were ready.

‘I don't either. Or I didn't. But there was something odd about a couple of rooms in Salix House and I did see what I told you, in my mirror. I wasn't making it up. At that point, Eva hadn't said a word to me. How could I have just dreamed it up by myself?'

‘Dunno,' Tom said. ‘I reckon you're confusing stuff. Eva might have mentioned it and you've forgotten.'

‘Nah, I wouldn't have forgotten anything like that. And I felt that coldness in the downstairs loo even before I started working there.'

‘So, have you got an explanation?'

‘I tuned in to what Eva was feeling. Her guilt.'

‘What on earth had Eva got to be guilty about?'

I was silent. I couldn't tell Tom what Eva had confided in me.

‘I mean her sorrow. At the loss of her family in Germany, and her husband. I think she might feel a bit guilty about his death … I told you how I felt about Simon's baby, didn't I?'

He nodded. ‘So let me get this right: you felt guilty and so did she and you kind of picked up on her guilt.'

‘Exactly.'

‘Anyway …' Tom said and I could tell from the way he said it, stretching out the syllables, that he wanted to change the subject. He was bored and I didn't think I could really blame him for that. I understood as little as he did when it came to explaining the strange things I'd seen and felt at Salix House. Eva had said they'd gone: all the bad vibes that somehow we'd both been picking up on. I hadn't felt it myself but I knew in my bones that she must be right. I said, ‘I'm sorry. We've been talking about me ever since you came home. How was school? How's the play coming?'

‘It's great!' he beamed. ‘I'm very happy with it. Dee is really good and she clearly enjoys performing. And those wings! They're amazing.'

‘Eva did everything herself, you know.'

‘I know. Megan?'

‘Yes?'

‘I'm sorry … about everything,' he said. ‘I'm sorry we … that is, I am gutted that it didn't work out between us. You know that.'

I nodded. ‘I don't regret anything,' I said. ‘I've loved the time I've spent with you. Don't think I haven't. It's just …'

‘I know.'

‘I think you deserve proper love, that's all.'

‘Let's hope I find it then,' he said. ‘And let's stay friends, okay?'

‘Of course we will.' We clinked glasses and drank and helped ourselves to a brownie each. ‘I'm not thinking of love at the moment.'

That was true. I could hardly count wanting to speak to Luke, wanting to see him again as anything serious. He might be in a relationship, for all I knew. He was concerned about me, and that was nice of him but it didn't necessarily mean that he felt anything romantic. Don't get your hopes up, Megan, I told myself. Don't count chickens, or cross bridges or
anything
yet. But when I thought of him, remembered how it felt to have his hand cover mine, to have the light of his amazing eyes turned on me, goosebumps rose on my arms.

‘Okay,' Tom said. ‘I'll do the dishes. You made the meal and it was absolutely fantastic.'

‘I don't know what I'd have done without you last night. You're the kindest man I know. I mean that.'

‘Megan?' Tom was standing at the sink and he turned round to look at me.

‘Yes?'

‘You want to get back to Salix House, don't you?'

‘There's no rush. I was going to dry up for you.'

‘No, that's okay. You go now. I'm going to work when I've done the dishes.'

‘I'll see you tomorrow at school, won't I?'

‘Sure. See you then. I bet you're dying to see Eva and the girls.'

‘Well, I am rather. And I have to Skype my dad. Bye, then,' I said and went to the hall to pick up the case Rowena had brought round.

‘Bye!'

I left the flat and as I went down the stairs, I couldn't help but feel the lift in my spirits. I started the car and began to drive towards Salix House.

‘I should have done this years ago,' Eva said, looking at Rowena across the small table in the Italian bistro they'd found. ‘I've never invited you to have lunch with me. It's mad.'

‘Well,' said Rowena. ‘Not
that
mad. We live in the same house. We have lunch together at home. It's fun to have a day out, though.'

Eva nodded. It had been fun. And Rowena was wrong. Even though they did live together, they scarcely ever talked properly. Partly it was the normal busyness of the house that got in the way, but Eva knew that she sometimes avoided being on her own with her daughter and was glad if the girls or Conor were there too. But now Rowena had put her foot down and decided that she must see Frobisher Court as soon as possible. The way she put it was characteristic of her. ‘If I can't see us settled yet, at least it will be a weight off my mind to know you're okay. And maybe we can find another place nearer Chalk Farm.'

They'd taken a train to London. On the journey, Eva was nervous, wondering what objections Rowena would find, what she'd say about the flat, what persuasive powers she was going to use to make Eva change her mind. She was so relieved when Rowena declared Frobisher Court a treasure, that she immediately suggested lunch in the restaurant she'd noticed from the window of the taxi.

‘Are you very upset about losing the house?' she asked when they'd discussed the merits of Eva's flat in great detail. ‘I'm sure you'll find another. One that's meant for you.'

‘I thought this one was meant for us but there you go.' Rowena smiled ruefully and took Eva's chocolate from the side of her coffee cup. ‘You don't want this, do you?'

Eva shook her head. ‘There's something I want to say to you, Rowena.'

‘Oh God, what have I done now?'

‘Nothing. It's not you. It's nothing to do with you. It's simply that,' She paused and took a deep breath. ‘I think we ought to order another coffee each. This is likely to take some time.'

‘You're very pale, Ma. Are you okay? I'll get the coffees.' Rowena nodded her head in the direction of a passing waiter and ordered. Then she turned to Eva, who sighed and sat up a little straighter.

‘I should have spoken about this to you years and years ago. I would have felt better about many things if I'd done so, but I didn't, and now, more than seventy years after it happened, I have to tell you the truth about how I came to England. You have to hear the whole truth.'

‘Okay,' Rowena said. She looked completely mystified. ‘I'm ready. Go on.'

‘I had a sister,' Eva began. ‘Her name was Angelika. She was four years older than me.'

*

‘Granny, can I have some more glitter? On my hair?' Dee was sitting at a mirror in the room that had been put aside to be the girls' dressing-room. It was a classroom that had been transformed by the introduction of a long mirror turned on its side and propped up on a line of desks. There weren't any bulbs studding the glass but in every other way the place had become a junior version of the backstage space at many fashion shows Eva had supervised. The smell of powder and hairspray was heavy in the air; there were costumes hanging up on rails, and more magnificent than Mary and Joseph's robes, outshining even the glittery outfits of the three Kings, Dee's wings hung on a special padded hanger which Eva herself had brought in.

‘Can I put them on now, Granny? It's nearly time.'

‘In a minute. I'm going over to see to Bridie.'

She walked to the other side of the classroom where Megan was helping Bridie to get into her checked tea towel headdress. The lamb she was going to be holding on stage was lying on the floor of the classroom and Eva picked it up and gave it to Bridie.

‘Are you all right, Megan?' she said.

‘Hmm,' said Megan.

‘You look a bit tired.'

‘I didn't sleep very well. But I'm okay. Can't wait for the show, Bridie. Are you excited?'

Bridie nodded. ‘What happens if I make a mistake?' she asked.

‘Nothing,' Eva said. ‘Nothing will happen. But you won't make any mistakes. Just hang on to your lamb and you'll be fine. You remember the songs, don't you?'

‘Yes,' said Bridie.

Eva dropped a kiss on top of Bridie's head and said, ‘Then you'll be all right, don't worry. Megan and I are going to sit down near the front. We want a really good view. Good luck, darling.'

She and Megan walked over to Dee. ‘Good luck, Dee darling,' said Eva.

‘Break a leg,' said Megan. ‘That's what the real actors say.'

‘That's silly,' Dee giggled. Eva had to blink because her granddaughter looked so beautiful. She left the cast to the attentions of various teachers, including Tom, who'd been busy sorting out a props problem and had only now come into the classroom.

‘Megan! Mrs Conway!' he grinned. ‘We're nearly ready. I wanted to thank you for the wonderful wings you made. They're marvellous, truly.'

‘You can keep them for the school after this is over. I won't want them back.'

‘That's really kind of you but Dee'll want them, won't she?'

‘I'll ask her. If she doesn't, you can keep them.'

‘Thank you!'

Eva walked out of the classroom quickly, just in case Megan had something to say to Tom, but she'd only walked a couple of steps into the corridor when Megan caught up with her. They went into the hall together. The chairs were lined up in rows and the curtains were drawn on the stage and Eva could see Rowena and Conor already in their seats.

‘Was that awkward for you, with Tom?' Eva asked.

‘No, he's fine.'

‘You look happier than I've seen you looking for a long time, Megan. I'm so pleased.'

‘Well, it's good to be back at Salix House and your news has made me really happy. I can't wait to see Frobisher Court. Rowena loved it.'

‘You'll see it very soon, I promise. I just wish the London house hadn't fallen through.'

‘There they are,' Megan said, pointing to Rowena and Conor. ‘Let's go and sit down.'

*

I knew the Nativity Play by heart. Dee and Bridie had been singing the carols for weeks, and they'd made me sit and watch them rehearse at home. I'd been into school a few times and seen them going through their paces there and I thought that I knew how it would all be. But then the music started and Dee and the other angels came out to the front of the stage and began to sing and I felt tears coming to my eyes. The wings Eva had made were like nothing, surely, that had ever been seen on a primary school stage. Curls of ribbon: shiny, matte, glittery, textured, all sewn on to stiff white canvas made a kind of chain-mail effect that caught the light. Everyone gasped when Dee first came on. She looked wonderful, with her hair caught up in more ribbons and piled up high on her head. The cast did what they were meant to do. Bridie was the smallest shepherd and she and her lamb made everyone laugh and she remembered every word of every carol. I could hear her voice above everyone else's, but then I suppose I was listening out for her especially.

I glanced at Rowena and Conor, both completely absorbed by the action on stage. Eva seemed to be concentrating too, and I felt suddenly elated. Luke wanted to see me again. That made me happy every time I thought about it. Eva had told me about her lunch with Rowena. She'd told her everything: every single thing she'd told me and a lot more besides and although she didn't put it like that, I knew that the two of them were closer than they'd ever been and that Eva felt good about that. Her eyes had misted up when she was telling me about it. She said, ‘I could have loved my daughter properly much earlier, if I'd had more sense. If I'd tried to explain things to her. If I'd confessed long ago. But it's happened now and that makes me happy. I don't mind leaving Salix House now. Not at all. The last memories I'll have of it will be good ones.'

I didn't know what I felt about the fact that the sale of Salix House was now on hold. Part of me was relieved that I didn't immediately have to write to the agent managing my flat and ask him to give notice to the tenants who were living in it. Also, although I loved Dee and Bridie, I wasn't really a nanny and I didn't want to do that for ever. I was longing to start writing articles again. I couldn't wait to apply for jobs. Since Luke's phone call, I'd felt not only more and more as if I wanted to do things, but also as if perhaps the things I wanted to do were a possibility: not entirely out of my reach. As I sat in the dark and listened to the voices of the children singing the familiar tunes, hope filled me: the kind of hope that had been missing from my life for a long time.

As the Kings went through their gift-giving routine, I became aware of someone opening and closing the hall door very quietly. Tom, probably, I thought. I glanced over at the door, but it was too dark to see properly.

I'd left my handbag in the car and my phone was in my jacket pocket. During the singing of ‘Hark the Herald Angels' it vibrated silently against my side. A text. I took the phone out and tried to be as unobtrusive as possible. I read the message.

Am here. See you when it's over. Luke.

Luke
. Luke was away. How could he be here? I turned round and saw a dark shape outlined against the back of the hall, near the door. I hardly noticed the rest of the play. I sang ‘O Come, All Ye Faithful' with the rest when it ended, but all the time I was conscious of Luke standing there, waiting for me.

When the lights went on again in the hall as the curtain came down, I turned round at once and saw him leaving. I was on the end of a row. I said to Eva, ‘Sorry, Eva, I must dash out before you. I'll see you later.' She smiled at me and almost pushed me out of my seat. ‘Go,' she said. ‘Go quickly. Before everyone starts moving.'

When I stepped out into the corridor I could see him standing a little way away, at the entrance to an arched passageway that led to the playground. The corridor was quite dimly lit. My mouth was suddenly dry. I didn't know what to say, what to do. Luke stepped away from the archway and came towards me. He was smiling. Oh God, I thought, why have I never noticed what a lovely smile he has?

‘Hello, Megan,' he said.

‘I thought you were still in Germany.'

He shook his head. ‘I came back a bit early. Eva told me about this Nativity Play. I didn't want to miss it.'

‘You have missed most of it.'

‘Well, I got here in time to catch you. That was the important thing.'

Just then, the parents started to come out of the hall. In a few minutes, we'd be completely surrounded and I'd have to go back to Salix House. As though he could read my mind, he said, ‘We can't speak here, Megan. Come with me. Let's go and get something to eat.'

‘But I can't just leave. I'd have to let everyone know. I think they're expecting me to bring the girls home.'

‘Don't worry. Eva will tell the girls and the Fitzpatricks what's happened. Where you've gone.'

‘Eva? What's Eva got to do with this?'

He laughed. ‘Eva and I are in cahoots. I spoke to her earlier and explained things.'

‘Explained what?' I noticed that as we'd been talking, he was walking along the corridor towards the exit doors and I seemed to be walking along with him.

‘That I'm going to take you out to dinner. That I wanted to see you.'

He held his hand out to me and I took it. We walked along quiet corridors towards the entrance hall. What had Eva told Luke?
In cahoots!
What a silly expression that was! Didn't I mind the fact that the two of them were arranging my life for me? This explained why she'd practically pushed me out of the hall. Dee and Bridie would be waiting backstage for me to tell them how wonderful they'd been, how well they'd done, but I seemed to want to keep hold of Luke's hand. Eva would explain to them, he'd said. She'd tell them. What would she say?

*

‘Really? Truly? Did she say that?' Dee had taken off her wings and hung them back on the rail ready for tomorrow's performance.

‘She did. She said she'd loved it so much and you were both so good that she was going to come and see the whole thing again tomorrow.' Eva was sure she could persuade Megan to do that. She'd be feeling guilty now, knowing that the girls were anxious for her approval. She smiled. Rowena was helping the girls pack up their things and Conor was talking to Tom. ‘You were both marvellous and it's easily the best Nativity Play I've seen in my life and I've been to dozens, you know.'

‘Did you see the lamb? Everyone laughed when I dropped him,' Bridie said. ‘I didn't mean to drop him in the manger, but Mr Shoreley said I must do it again tomorrow because the audience liked it so much. They thought I was
supposed
to drop him. Aren't they silly?'

‘I thought you meant to drop him too!' Eva said. ‘And Mr Shoreley is right. It was very funny and you ought to do it again tomorrow.'

Bridie beamed with pleasure.

‘Are you ready to go, Ma?' Rowena said. ‘I do think it's a bit much of Megan to let us down like this. And how come you know anyway? Did she tell you why she was going off?'

‘I'll tell you everything in the car. It's lucky Conor's got his car here as well. He can take the girls and we'll go in yours.'

Rowena seemed to Eva to be concentrating extra hard on driving through the snow that had just started to fall but she said, ‘Okay, tell me about Megan now, please. I'm listening.'

‘Well,' said Eva, ‘I'm not sure I know where to begin.'

Rowena sighed. ‘I noticed her leaving before the curtain calls. What's up?'

‘She went to meet Luke Fielden. He came to school to find her.'

Rowena drew her breath in sharply but continued driving as carefully as before. Without taking her eyes off the road she said, ‘How did he know she'd be at school?'