Crave the Darkness (7 page)

Chapter 7

I
walked through Xander’s front door as my solid self. With an assassin’s quiet steps, I made my way to my room, knowing if I ran in to any curious Shaedes with nosy questions I might just crack. I eased open my door, worried that even the slightest creak of the hinges would give me away. Just as carefully, I eased the door shut behind me and allowed for a deep breath. My lungs ached from the effort, my body rejecting the comfort of oxygen. I hadn’t taken a decent breath since leaving Tyler’s penthouse.

“I’m surprised they don’t have an ankle bracelet on you. You know, the kind that human prisoners wear.”

Holy shit!
Anya’s voice gave me a full-body shock, effectively sealing off the smooth intake of air I’d been trying to enjoy. Why did everyone in this house have to be so far up my ass? “Anya,” I said, fighting for composure. “What in the
hell
are you doing in my room? Don’t you have leather booties to craft or something?”

“You look like shit.”

At least she wasn’t crying anymore. Her observation seemed pretty apathetic, actually. It’s not like I expected her to be . . . I don’t know . . . concerned for me or anything. After seeing her cry the day before, I guess I thought she’d be a tad more off-kilter. A little less like herself. I had nothing to go by, though. I didn’t have much experience with pregnant human women, let alone pregnant Shaedes.

“If I look like shit, it’s because I have your fnanass to worry about,” I said, turning away so she wouldn’t have a clear view of my face. “What the hell do you want?”

“You missed dinner.”

No shit.
“Is that why you’re sitting in here waiting for me? To let me know I’d missed another
meal
?”

“I have to go out tomorrow,” Anya said. “I’m not allowed to leave the estate without an escort.”

Escort, meaning me. “Fine.” No matter how much I wanted to hole myself up and tell the world to go to hell, I couldn’t let Raif down. “Are you going to tell me who’s threatening you so we don’t have to spend any more quality time with one another than necessary?”

“Honestly,” Anya said, “I’d rather have bamboo slivers shoved under my fingernails than spend time with you. But don’t think for a second that I’m going to open up. About anything.”

“It’s your neck,” I said with an exasperated sigh.

“That’s right,” Anya replied, heading for the door. “It is. By the way, I think you’ve finally pushed your luck too far with Alexander. His Highness was not pleased that you skipped the evening meal.”

Anya closed the door behind her and I stripped off my coat, slinging it across the settee in the corner of the room. I kicked off my boots, peeled my socks off, and shed my pants lightning fast. I ran to flip off the light switch, blacking out the room, and jumped into bed. If I pretended to be asleep, maybe I could avoid the royal ass-chewing I was no doubt in store for. I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone else for the rest of my life. I just wanted to lie in bed and let the grief eat me alive.

I closed my eyes and tried to appear serene, but the image of that inhumanly beautiful woman was burned in my memory. Maybe I could get rid of it if I washed my brain out with bleach, or scrubbed it clean with steel wool. Lobotomy, anyone? Sleep was my only sanctuary. What would I do if that tiny bit of peace turned on me as well?

Panic overwhelmed me. The thought of returning to my life as it had been—detached, lonely, without compassion or companionship, without love and tenderness—made my head spin. Cold, clammy sweat broke out on my skin. Throat closing up, I felt the need to swallow ten times more than usual, and I launched myself out of the bed and beelined it for the bathroom. Palms slapped down on the expensive marble tile as I dove face-first over the toilet seat. My stomach clenched but I hadn’t eaten in so long, all I could manage was a succession of painful dry heaves that made every inch of my body ache.

Warm hands brushed my neck and gently pulled my hair back. Shit, I hadn’t even thought of making sure the ends didn’t dip into the toilet.
Lovely
.

“You certainly know how to take the wind out of a man’s sails,” Xander said close to my ear as he kneeled beside me. “I came in here prepared to fight and I find you hanging over the toilet. I feel cheated.”

I folded my arms in front of me on the seat and rested my forehead on them. Drawing deep, steady breaths, I tried to calm my stomach from another round of cramping heaves.
Go away, Xander
, I thought, unable to speak.
Leave me alone and let me yak in peace
.

“What happened to you this evening?” His voice was so soft, gentle.
Damn him.
“I have km> t sia feeling that rather than improve, you’ve just taken ten steps back.”

Understatement of the century. What the hell did he expect me to say?
Yep, Xander, you hit the nail right on the head. Ty’s back in town, and he’s shacked up with a woman so breathtaking, if you saw her you’d never look at me again.
I don’t think so.

I didn’t want to sit there all night face-first in the toilet, but I was afraid to move. What if the anxiety hit me again, and harder? What was the next step up from vomiting? Complete brain hemorrhage? “Not that I don’t appreciate you holding my hair and all”—I didn’t dare look up—“but I’m fine, Xander. You can go now.”

“You’re not fine.” He was so close, I could feel his breath on my face.

“Yes, I am.”

Xander sighed. “Come on,” he said, pulling at my arms. “I’ll help you back to bed.”

Once upright, Xander bent and swept an arm under my knees, gathering me up into his arms. “I’m not a child, Xander, I can walk on my own.” But, honestly, I didn’t think I had the willpower necessary to put one foot in front of the other.

“No, you’re certainly not,” Xander chuckled. “Though you choose to act like one on occasion.”

The panic drained out of me like an ebbing tide, and my stomach felt not just empty but raw. My throat wasn’t faring much better, burning from the acid, the only thing my depleted body had left to give. Utterly exhausted, it wasn’t just physical, but emotional and spiritual. I felt paper-thin and spent. I let my eyes drift shut as Xander carried me to the bed, but in my mind’s eye, Tyler’s face full of unspoken emotion loomed behind a vision of perfection. Would I ever be able to think of him again without having her face in my memory as well?

Xander set me down with care, as far to the center of the bed as he could reach. He sat down beside me, his weight on the mattress somehow reassuring. I didn’t look at him, afraid he’d read in my eyes what I wasn’t willing to speak: that I might not ever be the same after tonight. He smoothed my hair away from my face, and I let him. A snarky comeback wasn’t what he deserved. He’d held my hair while I’d puked my guts out. That was enough to earn him a bye for the night.

“I told you, you weren’t allowed to skip dinner again,” Xander’s voice broke through my thoughts.

“Why do you care about Anya so much?” I didn’t want to talk about me and the train wreck I’d become. “What makes her so special?”

Xander eased back onto the pillows and swung his legs up on the bed. “She’s younger than you,” he said. “By a few decades. Did you know that?”

I didn’t know anything about her other than the fact that she had an atrocious leather fetish. Xander shifted, and rather than let my curiosity get the better of me, I turned my back to him and picked a spot on the wall, staring at the pattern on the fancy silk wallpaper until I lost focus altogether. Anything was better than closing my eyes.

“If I’ve ever known a more infuriating woman than you, it’s Anya,” Xander continued, his voice lulling me. “Women like you aren’t meant for mundane lives, and Anya is no different. Raif caught her trying to break into my house and, curious, I had him bring her to me.”

Anya, a criminal. Her loyalty to Xander was so uncompromising; I could never picture her trying to steal from him.

“I suppose I should have let Raif turn her over to the area’s governing authority or at least, punish her himself. It probably would’ve only spurred her on, though. She had her reasons for breaking in, and at the time, she had no idea the house belonged to her king. They were homeless, hungry, desperate. She’d made Dimitri one of us by then, and I was curious. I’d never known anyone else capable of performing the feat.”

Raif had told me Xander’s wife had once been human and he had changed her, but nothing more had ever been spoken of her. Probably why he’d been curious about Anya. I’m sure Xander, in his royal arrogance, thought only he could be strong enough to make another Shaede. My eyes grew heavy as Xander’s rich voice lulled me, and I blinked away the sleep. God, I was tired.

“I know you find her . . . abrasive. And I realize that you’d rather not be here, watching her. I want you to know, however, that I care about her a great deal. You do me an honor by helping to protect her.”

“Do you love her?” I don’t know why I asked. For some insane reason, I wanted to know.

“She is like a sister to me,” Xander said. “Family. But just because I’d hate for you to be jealous, you should know that what I feel for her is nothing compared to what I feel for you.”

“You don’t love me, you know.” My voice was weak, muffled by grief and exhaustion. “You just think you do.”

His fingertips brushed my hair, feather light, and I shivered. “Shall I tell you how I love you?”

“No,” I said, my throat constricting. “I’m not in the mood for lies.”

“Or the truth, apparently.”

The first tear slipped from my eye and rolled down my face onto the pillow. I didn’t want Xander to bear witness to my heartache and shame. I didn’t want him to see me this way—weak and vulnerable. “Do you want to know what I found out tonight, Xander?” I willed my voice to sound strong. “That love is bullshit and there’s always someone better out there to take your place.”

“You speak like your heart is broken.”

“I speak like a realist.”

“How so?”

“Love is like finding a shiny bauble on the ground. You think it’s the most wonderful, lovely thing you’ve ever seen, and you polish it, keep it safe, and cherish it. Until you come across something prettier, something more interesting. That’s love. You’re only perfect until you’re not.”

“Did I tell you that your Jinn came here after you disappeared?”

I knew. Raif had told me. “I know the story more or less.”

Xander snorted. “I doubt that. He barged right through the door. Literally. Blew it right off the hinges. I have to say, I’d never seen a Jinn use the full force of his power before that day. Very impressive, indeed. He threatened to bring the house down around my head if I didn’t tell him where you were, and by the way the entire house shook on its foundation, I didn’t doubt his words.”

ll ="-1" face="serif">I bet in hindsight, Tyler wished he hadn’t thrown such a fit. “It was my fault. I left him a note and took off while he was asleep. Don’t hold his actions against him; he only behaved that way because I gave him no other choice.”

“Everyone has a choice, Darian.” Had he edged closer? I was pinned beneath the blankets, Xander on top of them. The bed suddenly seemed altogether too small. “You made a choice when you left to find my niece. Your Jinn made a choice when he knocked down my door and threatened me.”

“I never should have left the way I did,” I said, barely a whisper. “I hurt him.”

“You chose to come back. He chose to leave you.”

The tears flowed faster, silent. “I did this. I forced his hand.”

“Maybe. Maybe not.”

Xander rolled away and I assumed he was getting up to leave. If he didn’t have an audience, I knew he wouldn’t want to stick around. I flipped over to my back, only to find that he hadn’t left, but had moved down onto the pillow beside me. Lying on his side, his head propped up in his hand, he studied me with a quiet interest that made my heart jump against my rib cage.

He reached out, wiped the tears from my cheek. His touch was soft, careful. As if he didn’t want to frighten me away. “You are the shiniest of baubles.”

I put my arm over my eyes to block him completely out of my vision. “You’re wasting your breath, Xander. Sweet talk doesn’t work on me.”

“I never waste my breath.” He traced a finger across the bare skin of my forearm, up and down in a swirling, intricate pattern. “I would have chosen to stay.” He closed the distance between us, and I couldn’t have been happier for the heavy blankets creating a barrier between our bodies. His hair brushed my shoulder as he leaned in close to my ear. “I would do anything to have you.”

Chills chased over my skin, and the panic rose up fresh through my chest, squeezing my heart. “Get out,” I said, my own breath speeding up to keep pace with my thundering pulse. If he didn’t get the hell off the bed and out of this room, I was going to spontaneously combust. I covered my face with both of my hands, fighting to slow my heart rate. “Go.” I choked on the word, a half sob.

Xander went still for a moment before he pushed himself off the bed. I listened to his footsteps, quiet, ea
ch one precisely placed. He came around the bed and stopped beside me, placing his lips to my brow. “Good night, Darian.”

Only after the door closed behind him did I allow my tears to flow unchecked.