Craving Absolution (13 page)

H
e didn’t even ask me if he could borrow that fucking duffel bag.

I ran to the bathroom and barely made it to my knees before I started vomiting.

Farrah

I took a little time to get myself together before walking over to Gram’s. I sure as shit wasn’t going to stay in the apartment, licking my wounds. I was both pissed as hell and disappointed in myself, frustrated that I’d seemed to have fallen back into old patterns. If it were three years ago, I would have found someone to party with after I’d gotten into it with whatever guy I was seeing. But since I hated the thought of that even more, I chose to play dice and eat Gram’s banana bread instead.

I tried talking Gram into hitting some garage sales despite what Cody had
ordered, but she wouldn’t hear of it. She’d spent a lot of her life listening to her man and her sons tell her not to do things, and she told me she knew when to listen and when to ignore it, something about a feeling in her gut. Apparently this was one of the times her gut was telling her to listen.

We
’d played a gazillion dice games called Ten Thousand and were hanging in the living room watching
Matlock
when Grease, Callie, and Will came in the front door. We rarely knocked at Gram’s, so the fact that they hadn’t didn’t surprise me, but the way they came in was just slightly off. It was too fast and loud for a normal visit, too urgent. The look of devastation on Grease and Callie’s faces had Gram and me jumping to our feet.

Oh God
. Cody.

“
Cody?” Gram croaked, her arthritic fingers rising to her mouth in horror.

“
No! No, Gram. He’s fine!” Callie turned her head to Grease. “He’s fine, right?”

“
Far as I know, Sugar,” Grease answered.

I didn
’t like his answer.

“
What’s going on?” It felt like déjà vu as I glanced back and forth between them, neither of them giving me a fucking thing. “Someone better tell me right now what the fuck is going on. Shit. Sorry, Wilfred.”

“
Iss okay,” Will said, walking toward the toys Gram kept for when he came over.

“
Now, Callie.” My voice was almost a growl as I glared at her.

Grease answered for her, pulling Callie into his side.
“Tommy’s wife, Trish, and the kids were killed in a house fire this morning.”

“
Oh shit.” I sat down hard on the couch, the morning’s events becoming so much clearer. Oh, Cody. Goddamn it, why hadn’t he said anything?

“
I’m sorry, baby girl,” Gram said to Callie, walking over to wrap her in a tight hug. “I know she was one of your friends.”

“
Yeah.” Callie sobbed quietly into Gram’s shoulder as I sat on the couch, stunned.

Grease stepped away as Gram ushered Callie away from Will and into the kitchen. He dropped down on the other end of the sofa and leaned forward so his elbows rested on his knees.

“I’m so sorry,” I said. I didn’t know if it was the right thing to say or if I sounded like an asshole, but this whole comforting-people-who-weren’t-Callie thing was hard.

“
Thanks,” he replied, watching Will build a tower with Legos. “You saw Casper this morning? He seem okay?”

“
No, he didn’t, and he wouldn’t tell me what was going on,” I said as I watched Will paw through the toy box.

“
Yeah, he probably didn’t want to say anything until the rest of the brothers had called their families. We’ve spent the last two hours trying to calm Tommy down.” He paused and cleared his throat. “Been a shitty day.”

“
I bet,” I whispered.

I
’d liked Trisha. She’d seemed sweet as hell when I’d been around her, and her kids were freaking adorable, at least the ones I’d met. The oldest was a little too old to hang out with the little ones, so I’d never been around him. God, I couldn’t believe they were gone. Poof. Just like that.

“
Why would Slider send people out on a run with all of this stuff happening? It seems like you should be circling the wagons or something.”

Grease looked at me in surprise.
“We’re all staying pretty close to home, if we can. Don’t think anyone’s leaving.”

“
Cody left this morning,” I replied slowly, trying to read him but his expression had gone blank. “So, not everyone is home. Where did he go?”

“
Club business, Farrah.” He dismissed me with a flick of his hand, stood up, and walked away.

I
should have known he wouldn’t give me a straight answer, but I was going to go crazy trying to figure it out on my own. Why would Slider send Cody out by himself? He was a prospect, could barely wipe his ass without one of the brothers telling him to do it. It just didn’t make sense.

“
Auntie! Come play!” Will called from the floor.

He was just what I needed to snap me out of my conspiracy theories. They could wait, and lately, time with Will was something I didn
’t get very much of. The thought was frightening as I remembered a few kids I’d never see again.

“
Okay, dude. What are we playing?” I asked as I lay down beside him on the carpet.

We played on the floor of Gram
’s living room for over an hour before Will started to get cranky. I was trying to give Callie and Grease some time with Gram, but the kid didn’t want to hang with me anymore, he wanted his mom or dad.

He must have known something was going on. There was no way he
’d missed the way his parents were barely holding it together. If you didn’t look very closely it seemed as if Grease was unaffected, but Callie was no good at hiding her emotions, she let them fly. Both of them were hurting, that couldn’t be ignored, even by a two-year-old.
Especially
by a two-year-old.

It felt like sadness was sucking all the air out of the apartment as I watched Gram stand behind Grease, rubbing his back and speaking to him softly.
He was nodding, his head bowed to the table in front of him, and beneath the table I could see Callie’s hand gripping his thigh. I hurt for them.

I followed Will into the kitchen and watched as he climbed onto Grease
’s lap, laying his head against the leather-clad chest as Grease wrapped his arm around Will’s back. In that moment, I was suddenly really, really glad that my best friend and her son had finally gotten their happily-ever-after. Even if it wasn’t very happy at the moment, their bond was a sight to see. Maybe it was the time I’d had to get used to things, or the way Callie immediately stood from the table and wrapped her arms around me, assuring me that she still needed me, but my resentment was gone.

I
held my best friend close, letting her cry into my shoulder, and wished that I hadn’t craved her attention. It wasn’t the way I’d wanted her to need me.

“
When do you work this week?” Grease asked me as I let go of Callie and started following Gram around the kitchen.

It looked as if Gram was prepping for Armageddon as she pulled jar after jar out of her fridge and cupboards
, getting ready to throw together a whole basket of food for Tommy and the guys at the club.

“
Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday,” I replied, widening my eyes at Callie as Gram continued to pull food out.

“
I’ll come and give you a lift.”

“
Nah, it’s okay. Cody got my car fixed, so I’m good,” I answered offhandedly, oblivious to the way everyone had grown quiet.

“
I’ll drive you to work, Farrah.” Grease’s tone had me spinning to face him. “We’re being careful. None of you are going anywhere without one of the boys.”

“
What the hell?” I asked, my voice breaking at the end. “What are you guys not saying?”

“
Not sure how that fire started yet—”

“
Holy shit.”

“
Just taking some precautions,” he assured me.

Wait a second
. . .

“
Where the hell is Cody?”

“
It’s club business, Farrah. Your man didn’t tell you, you don’t rate the info,” he replied unapologetically.

“
That’s bullshit!” I yelled.

“
Farrah!” Gram hissed at me. “Knock it off. You know how those boys work. Quit harping on Asa.”

“
Et tu, Brute?” I gasped, glaring at Gram. “Screw this, I’m outta here.”

I was
too pissed off to notice or care that I was being an ass to Gram. I felt for them, I did, but fuck if I would just go blindly along, minding my business, with no idea where Cody was or what the hell was going on. It wasn’t like I was going to go all vigilante and do something stupid. I just wanted to know where we stood in the shit storm that seemed to be billowing up around us.

I slammed out of the house as Grease
ordered me to stay in the apartment, flipping him off as I went. My apartment was close and I got there within seconds, but I didn’t realize that there was someone sitting at my doorstep until I was almost on top of him. My heart stuttered in my chest as I stumbled to a stop.

I began to take a step back, Grease
’s warnings blaring in my head, when the guy pushed his hoodie off his head and looked up at me. What the fuck?

“
Who the hell are you?”

Farrah

“
Are you Farrah?” the kid asked, climbing to his feet. I took a step back as I realized he wasn’t as small as I’d thought, and looked at him suspiciously.

“
Who . . .? Oh shit, you look just like your dad,” I whispered.

“
You know my dad? I tried to go home and—” His voice broke and his hands clenched into fists. “Our house was gone. Can you call my mom?”

“
What’s your name?” I asked again, horror building with a sense of recognition.

“
Cameron,” he answered. “Is Casper here?” He leaned to look over my shoulder, but I knew no one was behind me.

Holy shit. Holyshitholyshit.

“He’s not here, dude,” I told him, the words coming out garbled as my mind raced. “I don’t have your mom’s number, but Grease is a few apartments down. Why don’t you come in and I’ll call him?”

He stepped aside so I could move into the recessed doorway, and my hands shook as I fit my key into the lock. What was I supposed to do? In a few minutes
, this kid’s entire world was going to implode and he had no idea. Shit, how old was he again? I couldn’t remember, but I knew that he must be big for his age. He couldn’t have been older than twelve, but he was already a little taller than I was.

“
Come on in.” I waved my arm toward the living room, and with no hesitation Cameron walked in and dropped down onto the couch. “You want something to drink?”

“
No, thank you,” he replied in a careless show of manners. “I like your place. Casper said you haven’t had time to make it girly, but I think it’s nice the way it is. My mom has—” His voice cracked for a second time. “—h-had a ton of pillows and stuff.”

The boy
was acting as if he wasn’t scared out of his mind, but his hands rubbed over his thighs over and over as if he couldn’t sit still. I was completely out of my element. I’d always had an easy time comforting Will, but this kid was different. He was too old to comfort with a bowl of Cheerios.

“
I’ll just, uh, call Grease, okay?”

He nodded, not saying a word, and I walked quickly into my bedroom.

It only rang once before Grease picked up.

“
Dude. You need to get over here, pronto,” I growled through my teeth.

“
You okay?” I could hear Grease moving around on the other end of the line. “You just fucking left.”

“
Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. But okay, so, I walk home, right? And I don’t notice anything at first—”

“
Get to the fucking point, Farrah.”

“
CameronisherelookingforCody,” I told him in a rush. “I don’t know what the fuck to do!”

“
What?” he whispered back in disbelief.

“
Tommy and Trish’s son Cameron IS IN MY APARTMENT!” I yelled, then immediately covered my mouth with my hand, looking toward the bedroom doorway. I was trying to keep my shit together, but seriously, it was like fucking Lazarus rising from the dead.

“
Holy fuck. You sure? I’m almost there.” He hung up before I could reply, and I made myself walk calmly back into the living room, even though I wanted to run.

“
So you’ve been here before, huh?” I said, startling the poor kid so badly, he jumped up off the couch and whirled to face me.

“
Yeah, I was with Casper when he stopped to pick something up,” he answered nervously. “I didn’t hang out here or anything!”

“
Hey, no sweat, man.
Mi casa es su casa
. You can hang here whenever you want.”

We were both babbling, and I had no idea what had just come out of my
mouth. Did I really just tell some kid I didn’t know that he could hang out at my house?
Shit
.
Fuck
. I didn’t know what to do! Where the hell was Grease?

Cameron seemed to relax a little at my words,
so I couldn’t take them back. I would have done anything at that point to calm the poor guy down. He wasn’t going to come hang out anyway, so I didn’t know why I was even thinking about it.
Shit
. We watched each other, standing at opposite ends of the room, and I sighed in relief when Grease came barreling in the door.

“
Cam!” he shouted, practically running to where Cameron was standing so he could wrap his arms around him in a huge hug. I felt like I was intruding as I watched Grease grip the back of Cameron’s neck and kiss the side of his head. “Hey, bud, you okay?”

I didn
’t hear Cameron’s answer, but I did read Grease’s lips as he raised his head and asked me to call the very last man on earth I’d ever want to talk to. Goddamn it. It wasn’t like I could tell him, “No, thank you. I pretty much hate him and would rather have an apartment full of snakes than that asshole in here,” when I had a preteen in my living room who had no idea most of his family was dead.

For the second time that day, I walked quietly into my room and fought the bile in my throat as I scrolled through the contacts list on my phone. Cody had programmed quite a few numbers into it when I
’d moved here, so I couldn’t even use the excuse of not knowing the freaking number.

“
Slider,” he answered, making my stomach knot up.

“
It’s your wayward daughter,” I replied sarcastically. “You need to come over to my apartment.”

There was an awkward pause, neither of us comfortable with my request, but eventually he spoke again.

“To what do I owe this invitation?”

Was that hope in his voice? I
t took all that I had not to hang up. Fucking douche. Like I’d really invite him over to hang out.

“
Cameron’s here,” I answered flatly. “He went home this morning to a burned-down house and came looking for Casper.”

His voice grew dark.
“Farrah, if this is some game you’re playing . . .”

“
I’m not an asshole, apparently that
isn’t
something you can inherit. He’s in my living room with Grease.”

“
Good Christ,” he muttered quietly.

“
See you soon, Pops.” I hung up and stood silently in my bedroom.

My hands shook and my chest felt tight at the thought of my father walking into my apartment. I didn
’t like him, I didn’t want to see him, and I sure as hell didn’t want him there. The apartment was my space. Mine. I was finally able to sleep there alone, which I knew I’d be doing for the next week, at least until Cody came home. I was afraid the minute Slider walked in the front door it would be tainted, turning it into yet another place where I didn’t feel comfortable.

After the mess with Cody that morning, finding out about Trisha and the kids, the fight with Grease, Cameron showing up at my apartment
, and now my father on his way, I was at my breaking point. I sat down heavily on my quilt, rubbing my fingers along the stitching. I could call Gram, but I knew she had her hands full with Callie and Will, and we sure as shit didn’t need all of them traipsing into my apartment.

W
ere they going to tell him here? Shit! I hadn’t even thought of having to deal with the fallout of that scenario. I felt like the walls were closing in around me, and I seriously considered hopping out the window in my room.

I needed to get it together
, and I could only think of one way to calm myself down. I lay down on my bed, pulled the quilt up and over my head, and called Cody.

He didn
’t answer.

Of course
he didn’t. He was on some super-secret mission for the club; he didn’t have time for my emotional inadequacies. I spent a few more minutes breathing deeply inside my little cocoon before tossing the blankets back. I could do it. I could walk out into the living room and deal with the drama that I knew was coming. I’d handled far worse, hadn’t I? I just needed to make sure I was presentable, flawless, and then I’d deal with it.

After
giving myself a pep talk in the bathroom as I made sure my hair was in place and my makeup was okay, I headed to the living room. Slider hadn’t arrived yet, and I was relieved to hear Grease and Cameron speaking quietly from the couch. There hadn’t been any yelling or sobbing. I was in the clear, at least for a while.

The relief left me i
n an instant when I saw how the two were sitting. Grease’s back was against the couch cushions, his shoulders tight and his feet flat on the floor, and Cameron was sitting almost in his lap. The poor kid’s chin was tucked into his chest and his arms were crossed in front of him, a pose that would have looked petulant if it wasn’t for the way he was huddled under Grease’s massive arm, tears rolling down his face. When I walked toward them, both heads snapped up, and the agony in their expressions was overwhelming.

“
I stayed the night at my friend’s house last night and my house burned down. My mom and my sisters and brother are dead,” Cameron told me, lifting his chin. He looked at me in defiance, too proud to admit that he was upset. For anyone else, he might have been hard to read. The scowl on his face was as bratty as I’d ever seen, impressive really, but with a closer look, there was no way to hide the complete lack of hope in his eyes.

I knew that face.

I’d worn it for years.

He expected me to baby him
and was warning me off. He didn’t want my pity. I respected that in a way he’d never understand.

“
Yeah, dude, I heard,” I answered calmly. “I’m really sorry.”

His shoulders slumped and he leaned back into Grease. Just then, there was a knock on the door
, and I opened it up to Slider and Poet—my father and his vice president. I watched them as they took in Grease and Cameron, their faces moving from disbelief to joy within seconds as they stood frozen just inside the door. Poet moved first.

“
Cameron, it’s damn good to see you,” he announced roughly, stepping over to the couch to pull the kid up from the couch and into a bear hug. “So good to see you, boyo.”

“
Where’s my dad?”

“
He’s at the clubhouse,” Slider answered, finally making his way into the room. I took a couple of steps away from him, the apartment already feeling too small. “Didn’t want to get his hopes up.”

“
Nice.” I scoffed, shaking my head. He hadn’t believed me. My gut burned, and I knew I had to get out of there before I said something and made the situation infinitely worse for everyone. I turned to Grease and met his eyes. “I’m going to head over to Gram’s. You guys stay as long as you need to. Lock up behind you.”

At his nod, I spun toward the door.

“Thanks for helping me, Farrah,” Cameron called out quietly, his manners still intact even after having a life-changing bomb dropped in his lap.

“
No problem, Cameron.”

I turned my head to see him standing under Poet
’s arm, the entire group watching me leave. Seeing him there looking so small and broken reminded me too much of things I was trying to forget, and I had the unwelcome urge to hug him. I wanted to take him away from all of it, I wanted to go back twenty-four hours and warn his mother, and I wanted to do anything to ease the ache in my gut at his obvious misery. Instead, I said something that would change both of our lives.

“
You’re welcome here anytime, little dude.”