Craving Talon (19 page)

I watch him carefully as he drinks his own beer. Finishing it off. I do the same. If we’re going to get through this, it’s going to take the entire twelve pack. Setting my bottle on the table next to the other empties, I get him another beer, then myself. He finally answers me. “Yes.”
 

I take a deep breath. “He took my virginity.” I watch him cringe. “But I was so certain that I was a conquest to him. That he stuck around until he could take that and then he would bolt.” I hear Kyle hiss through his teeth. “But he didn’t. Things changed between us after that. Over time, I fell in love with him, or I thought I did.”
 

“What do you mean?”
 

I smile at my beer bottle, “I understand differently now.”

He doesn’t say anything for some time. He just sits there, lost in thought, drinking his beer. He opened the door to the sex conversation, so I continue, “Sex with Dan was infrequent, I didn’t know how to initiate anything. I was shy about my body, and the couple of times that I initiated anything usually led to me getting him off. He never worshipped me or my body the way you and Talon do and I very rarely got an orgasm from him. It always seemed rushed. Sometimes I wondered if he was getting some on the side for all the lack of sexual interest he had in me.”
 

“Jesus, Addison, why were you going to marry him if it was like that?”

I take a big swig from my beer. I’m nearly done with my third bottle. “Because it seemed natural, normal. I didn’t know any better. I mean, sure, my girlfriends talked about their sex lives and how great they were and sometimes how often, but…” I shrug, “how was I to know otherwise? Marriage was what everyone seemed to want, I wanted it too, but I think it’s part of what led to the fight we had the afternoon before he died. I was stressing about the wedding and he just didn’t give a shit.” I finish off my beer before continuing, “I never got to apologize for our fight, I never got to tell him I loved him one last time. He was gone.” Tears spill down my cheeks. “Everything changed after that.”

“I’ll never forgive myself for not being there.”
 

“Stop it,” I say turning toward him, “There is nothing for you to feel guilty about, Kyle. I didn’t know you, you didn’t know me. How could you have known what your mother and family would do after his death? You can’t blame yourself for that.”
 

“I was too caught up in the drugs and alcohol to even care,” he breathes out. “I remember getting the call from my mom, telling me that he’d been killed. She told me to stay away, that she didn’t want my problems anywhere near her.”
 

I start to cry harder. “Jesus, Kyle, I… fuck, I had no idea.”
 

“Shh, panda, it’s alright. She had a point. I was in no condition to be around her, to see Dan buried, to… I was so fucked up, Addison, but my mother’s words are what sent me to rehab. On the day you buried Dan, I was checking into rehab.” He scrubs his face with his hand. “I knew I had to straighten out my life, that my mother would need me then more than she ever did. But when I got out, she didn’t care.” He finishes his beer, sets the empty with the rest and grabs another one. He pops the top and hands it to me. I swallow down the last little bit of my open one and add it to the growing pile. He pops his own and downs half of it. I finish the bottle.
 

“Addie?”
 

“Yes.”
 

He doesn’t say anything for a minute. Taking a couple more swigs of beer. “I need to know something.”
 

“Anything, always,” I say back, searching his features for some clue as to what he’s thinking.
 

“Does it bother you that he was my brother?” he finally asks.
 

I grab another beer. He polishes his off, so I hand him his last one and I take mine. “Honestly?” He nods. “I don’t think about it. You’re not him, you’ve never been him in my mind. If I’d known you then, that might be different, but…” I take a sip. “I didn’t. From the moment I saw you in LA, coming toward me, I was attracted to you. Once I knew who you were, it didn’t change anything. I promised you that I wouldn’t think of you as him and I’ve kept that promise, because you’re not him. You are Kyle. You will always be Kyle and never be anyone else. I don’t like to make comparisons, but you’re a hundred and eighty degrees the opposite of Dan. If you did things the same way he did, it would be a problem, but you don’t. Dan never complimented me, never got hard at my clothing choices, never showered with me, never took care of me the way you do. Dan was just there, a convenience. I know that now. If I knew then…” I don’t need to finish the sentence. I finish off the last beer and my head is fuzzy from the alcohol. Only because we’ve drank so much so fast.
 

Kyle slides a little closer to me, wrapping his arm around my back, and I lay my head on his shoulder. He kisses me right between the ears of my panda hoodie. He doesn’t say anything, he just holds me close. Letting me feel his warmth and his need to be close to me.
 

I’ve never imagined Kyle as Dan. I don’t want to. My memory is tainted after so many years, but when you compare even the littlest of things that Kyle does, he is nothing like his brother. Though they share the same eyes and maybe even nose, that’s as far as the similarities go. “I can’t and won’t compare you to Dan, there’s no reason to. After all these years, I no longer love Dan the way I thought I once did. I also realize that I was being a prude and selfish by keeping to myself all these years. I was holding on to something I never really had in the first place. And if I’d let it all go sooner, I wouldn’t be such a basket case now,” I say aloud and his hand strokes along my back.

“You’re not a basket case. Believe me, I understand. I spent a lot of time blaming and hating myself. Therapy helped me with that. Helped me to see that Dan’s death was far from my fault. That my father’s murder was something that no one could have been prepared for, and more than anything, I learned to let it all go. To accept it because I couldn’t change it.” He takes a deep breath. “I struggle so much with my mother because she is alive and breathing, it’s something I can change, or at least I think I can.” His hand strokes gently along my back, around the side and settling on my hip.
 

“I wish I could tell you how to fix things with your mom.”
 

“No, it’s okay. She’s been through a lot,” he states as he finishes off his beer.
 

“I think that she acts the way she does to protect herself.” I finish off my beer and sit up.
 

“What do you mean?” he says with scrutinizing eyes.
 

“I mean that for her, mentally, pushing you away is easier for her to handle.” I set my beer down and turn toward him. “Think about it, she’s lost her husband and her oldest son. Pushing you away is easy to do because when you’re gone, she won’t feel the pain of loss again.”
 

He leans forward, putting his elbows to his knees. “I never thought about it like that before.”
 

I give him a small smile. “No, I didn’t either until just now. It’s kind of the same way I pushed everyone out after Dan died. I didn’t want to be hurt again, I still don’t. It was easier for me to push people away, ignore them and be on my own than it was to risk the idea of finding someone, befriending someone, only to lose them again. Your mother is doing the same thing by pushing you away, disconnecting herself so that when she gets the call that you’re dead, she doesn’t have to deal with the emotional fallout. Only it will actually be worse for her.” I finish my beer.
 

“Why worse?”
 

My head is spinning with alcohol. “Because she will start to feel guilty over the lost years. It’s inevitable. It will come back to bite her in the ass if you go before she does. Though I pray to God that doesn’t happen.” I shiver at the idea of losing Kyle, or Talon for that matter. It would shatter me into thousands of pieces that I would never bring back together again.
 

I survived Dan, but I will not survive losing these two.

Kyle and I didn’t say much after that. The conversation between the two of us allowed Kyle’s raw emotion to show, maybe even some of my own and I wonder idly if his holding back expressing his true feelings has anything to do with Dan. Did he just need to know what Dan and I were? That I’m not reliving my relationship with Dan through Kyle? In fact, it’s the exact opposite. I’ve never felt freer than I do when I’m with these two.
 

Talon joins us and Kyle magically produces another twelve pack. I drink a seventh beer, but leave the two of them to polish off the rest. Me and beer are not always best friends and my head is fuzzy from the alcohol.
 

The conversation between the three of us flows effortlessly, from everything that’s happening tomorrow, to Talon and Kyle telling stories about their college days. It’s great to listen to them talk and tell their tales of women and bars. You’d think it would have made me jealous, but instead I found it intriguing to say the least.
 

We continue bantering back and forth for some time until my eyelids grow heavy and we all climb back onto the bus. Talon and Kyle waste no time in making love to me again before we all settle in to sleep.
 

I found out before tonight’s show that the band opening for them tonight isn’t staying with us for the next leg of the tour. Something happened that they can’t continue on, so we are picking up another band in Dallas.
 

I didn’t bother to learn their name because to be honest, I’m glad they’re not moving on with us. Their performance was rather bland and they didn’t do a very good job of working up the crowd. The crowd, through no help of the opening act, were pretty worked up for 69 Bottles. I didn’t get the ‘Addison’ chant, but as soon as the guys started playing ‘Your Eyes’, the crowd went crazy.
 

Right after the Galveston show, we were right back on the bus because we have a show in Dallas tomorrow night, or tonight, I guess it depends on what time it is. Right now, who knows. The guys decided that we’d all go out after the show tonight and bring the new band with us to kick off the rest of the tour. Kyle put the guys under strict instructions that they are to be back on board by two thirty so we can leave by three because they all decided they wanted to head to New Orleans early. I mean, come on, it’s New Orleans.
 

The time in New Orleans is a mini vacation for the guys. Giving them a chance to take a break from the tour.
 

When I fell asleep, I had both the guys’ hands on my stomach. When I woke, it was the same.
 

Now I’m sitting in the galley of the bus with my laptop on the table working through another plethora of emails regarding news alerts under my name. More videos posted. A release from the label announcing the radio release of our duet next week and the purchasable release coming in early to late May.
 

Then an article catches my eye. I open it.
 

69 Bottles Addison Beltrand, ex-fiance of road manager’s deceased brother….

I can’t even bring myself to read the article. I don’t want to see what they have to say, but my heart sinks for Kyle if his mother sees this. I put my head in my hands. I knew this was going to come up, but I didn’t want to broach it with Kyle, but now it seems as though I’m going to have to. I decide I have no choice but to read the article.
 

Addison Beltrand, of Kansas City, Kansas is the mystery woman who’s been tearing up YouTube with her performances with 69 Bottles lead singer Talon Carver. She has spent the last eight years working for Bold International, Inc. out of Los Angeles, where she’s been a valuable public relations rep, earning her a coveted job of handling PR for the nation’s hottest band. But she has more than a few skeletons in her closet.
 

She’s the ex-fiance of 69 Bottles’ road manager Kyle Black’s deceased brother Daniel, who was killed in a car accident a little over seven years ago, just two weeks before their wedding was scheduled. So is Kyle the reason she’s criss-crossing the country? Or did she land the job on her own?
 

The rumor mills are flying around that Addison and road manager Kyle are an item, but then there are other rumors that Addison and lead singer Talon are together. If you’ve seen the videos I’m sure you’d agree that Talon and Addison are the item of the moment. Maybe even the couple of the year. Guess only time will tell.
 

Our requests through Vicious and Bold have gone unanswered for comment.
 

Now the million dollar question. Do we comment back?
 

“What’s the matter, panda?”
 

I look up to see Kyle leaning against the wall of the bathroom. “They’ve made a connection.”
 

He scowls. “About what?”
 

“Me and Daniel, you and Daniel being brothers, the rumors spreading about me and you and me and Talon. Just the usual.”