Crazygirl Falls in Love (8 page)

You could cut the tension with a knife. I open my mouth to say
something but Antonio beats me to the punch,

“Hola mi vida!” He steps forward and tries to give Chloe a
hug. She shrugs him off.

“What is
she
doing here?”

Chloe points to Emma and glares at Antonio as if he just sold
their first born child for a slice of French toast. When he doesn’t
answer (instead gives her a baffled look) she crosses her arms and
turns to me.

“Penny, what’s going on?”

She gives me the same glare she gave Antonio (but replace
‘first born kid’ with… umm… favourite hat?). I open my mouth to
reply but Emma beats me to it,

“These are my flatmate’s friends.
What’re
you
doing
here?”

“Who wants drinks!?” Antonio says loudly, realising the
situation is not what it should be and trying to lighten the
mood.

“I’m outta here.” Chloe spits.

She turns to walk back to the door.

“Chlo, wait. Stay.” I take her arm and pull her back into the
circle. I turn to Antonio,

“Antonio, be a dear and get us three gin and tonics
please?”

I nod to the bar and send him on his way. It’s not my
favourite drink, not by a long way, but when one is mid-weird
situation you roll with the punches (and I know both Chloe and Emma
like G&Ts). Antonio walks away scratching his head. Us three
girls stand in a silent, awkward, tripody circle.

“If I stay, I’m going to say something I regret,” Chloe warns
me, looking Emma.

“In that case, I insist you stay,” I smile.

The joke bombs. I can’t help but feel a little offended. That
was funny, wasn’t it? Guess the mood between these two isn’t
conducive to humour.

Chloe and Emma’s falling out goes back to Chloe and Crazy Poo
(that’s a man by the way, not a bowel condition). You see, Chloe
has a distinct dating pattern. It’s probably the worst one a girl
could have, besides Maya who used to only be attracted to guys who
had zero interest in her (until recently falling for
Cupcake-Baking-Man-Friend). Before him, Maya hadn't been in a
relationship for ten years. Anyway, we’re not talking about Maya.
For the many years I’ve known her, Chloe has only dated alcoholics.
It sorta fits, seeing as she’s a big drinker herself. Oh boy, the
clobbered messes she has been out with… It’d boggle your mind, it
really would.

Chloe’s not an idiot, she recognises she’s
got a problem. Since she and Crazy Poo split she’s vowed never to
date another addict again. Thing is, since Crazy she hasn’t
even
kissed
anyone
else. Seems she really is only attracted to men who are dishonest,
insensitive, unreliable and psychologically abusive. Why? I dunno.
Maybe the nice ones bore her. Maybe it’s because these guys are
dependent people, and they develop dependencies on everything in
their lives, including her.

She and Crazy dated for a year, and my stars, it was the
perfect case study of a pendulum swinging, see-saw, rockedy rock
rock relationship. When things were going well these two were the
sweetest, cutest, most loved up couple you ever saw. They ate off
each other’s forks, kissed nonstop, smiled at each other the whole
night. Chloe would call him Cuddles and he would call her Crumpet.
Most people would call that cringey, but personally I thought it
was sweet and beautiful and I loved seeing my friend so
happy.

But when times were bad things got very ugly very quickly
between Cuddles and the Crumpet. They never exactly fell off the
Cliff of Relationship Insanity like so many of us seem to
(including me with the Terrible Thing I Did to He Who Shall Not Be
Named), but they came right up close to is shardy edges. When he
was drinking, Crazy would get jealous, possessive and
insecure.

On one of their bad days Chloe stormed out of their apartment,
saying she was going to meet me for dinner. He followed her and
waited outside the restaurant, pacing. He later admitted he was
certain she was cheating. He must’ve been relieved when he saw the
tall, klutzy girl walking out of the restaurant arm in arm with his
girlfriend instead of a dude to swing a punch at. Unfortunately, it
wasn’t a one-off bout of jealousy. Whenever they weren’t physically
together he would become irrational and convince himself that she
was with other men. He’d accuse her of cheating even if she’d only
popped out to by some yogurt and the paper.

Personally, I think the root cause of all their problems was
that pesky Dating Scale. Chloe is an 8 while Crazy Poo was a 6,
maybe a 6.5 if you were being generous. He was punching above his
weight and he couldn’t deal with the insecurity that caused.
Besides the possessiveness and jealousy, there were massive brawls.
One time, as Chloe walked away from him in the street mid-argument
he ran up behind her and grabbed her long ponytail, yanking it back
towards him so that her head and body jerked back. She told me that
she had struggled, and he had ended up ripping out great chunks of
her beautiful hair.

That was the day his nickname changed from Cupcake to Crazy
Poo. Chloe didn’t tell anyone but me about what was going on, so
it’s not entirely Emma’s fault that she took Crazy’s side one night
when we were out.

That evening, we were at Emma’s local having dinner. It had
been me, He Who Shall Not be Named, Chloe, Crazy, Emma and
Mags.

I’ll be fair here, Crazy had been sober for a few weeks before
that night, so you can’t say he wasn’t trying to be a better man.
And let me tell you, it was tough on him. Watching someone bite
their nails down to the enamel thanks to unmanageable withdrawal is
just plain frightening.

That night I saw Chloe’s face drop as He Who Shall Not Be
Named insisted Crazy join him in a pint. A few hours later, the
sweet man who had been Chloe’s boyfriend was replaced by an
inpatient, intolerant, incoherent, loud mouthed buffoon.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Chloe had whispered angrily
at Crazy, after Mags and He Who Shall Not Be Named had gone outside
for a smoke (Mags still smoked back then).

“Give it a rest babe,” he had slurred.

“Beer is not the fifth food group. Why can’t you just have a
few pints and stick to that? Why does it always have to be a
caseload?”

“Relax Chloe, it’s a party.”

“It’s dinner on a Tuesday night.”

“I don’t need to change for you, or nobody,” Crazy had kept
slurring.

“You might need to change for your career. Aren’t you supposed
to be practicing tonight?”

“Yeah but iz cool the guys’ll understand. I practised day all
yesterday.”

Chloe has turned to me,

“Penny, would you consider falling asleep hugging your guitar
as ‘practice’?”

“Umm… I guess, so long as he was strumming it?”

Emma and I couldn’t have been in a more awkward position. Emma
stared down into her lap, fiddling with the hem of her skirt. I
dodged questions like a seasoned politician and kept my eyes on my
cider, pretending to be mesmerised by the bubbles floating towards
the wide-rimmed top. Chloe and Crazy continued fighting as if we
weren’t there. Chloe eventually had enough,

“Nice to know I’m dating someone with the IQ of a processed
sausage. Don’t bother coming home tonight.”

Without saying goodbye to me and Emma, Chloe had stood up,
snatched her bag, and left.

I considered following her but thought better of it. She was
likely feeling humiliated and ashamed. Shame is a very personal
emotion, not one you always want to share with your friends. That’s
why I go running alone, the shame of being so slow is best hidden
from the world.

No one said anything for a good few minutes. Emma continued to
fiddle, I continued to stare at the caramel coloured bubbly world
in my pint, Crazy continued to drink. Eventually Mags and He Who
Shall Not Be Named came back and sat down. Still the three of us
said nothing.

“What’s going on?” Mags asked, “where’s Chloe?”

“She left,” Emma began, before turning to Crazy and catching
his eye, “hey, if it makes you feel any better, we’re on your
side.”

I had raised my eyebrows at this.
Say what now
?

Emma had continued,

“It’s your prerogative. I mean, she could just accept that you
like a pint here and there. Hell, I’ve seen her drink way more than
you some nights, and you never complain.”

True, Emma didn’t know about the fights, or his rough conduct,
or all those empty promises. Nonetheless, she had just violated the
Female Code. I knew it, Mags knew it, even Crazy knew it. He told
Chloe about it the next day, but instead of relating the full story
it went along the lines of, ‘After you bailed Emma called you a
bitch’. Such a guy thing to do. I doubt he was being malicious,
just low on detail.

Chloe was livid and started telling everyone exactly what she
thought of Emma. Word got back to Emma, and the rest is history.
That was six months ago and they haven’t spoken since.

Tonight is the perfect opportunity to move on. Usually I’m no
pacifist. I don’t really care who hates who, the world is full of
shitty people and everyone falls out with each other eventually.
But sheesh, besides Mags these are the only two people I consider
close friends. So I take a long slurp of my pina colada, slam it
down on the counter, and start mediating,

“I’m tired of this, I want you guys to be friends
again.”

“Fat chance,” Chloe says at the same time that Emma blurts,
“No way.”

“Why the hell not?” I demand.

“You told Crazy I was a bitch.” Chloe says, addressing
Emma.

“I did not, but in any case I don’t have to
explain myself to
you
,” Emma replies haughtily.

“You change your tune so often your name should be Flip Flop.
You may not have said the words but the intention was there, and
everyone heard what you said. Right, Pen?”

I lift my hands, palms facing outwards, and take a step back.
I’ve decided I’m not going to mediate anymore. Bitches be
crazy.

Instead, I lift the G&T Antonio placed on the counter a
few seconds ago (before he made a hasty exit) and take a big gulp.
I quickly scout the room for the Stranger again. I could probably
use another one of those creamy delicious cocktail things. Maybe
this time the bartender can put an umbrella in it, and a few more
glacé cherries.

Emma and Chloe continue to argue.

“You know Chloe, you’re just like an energiser bunny. You
bitch and bitch and keep on bitching. I didn’t say that at all, you
just thought I did and used it as an excuse to tell Mags I was
stupid and stuck up and spoilt. Do you know how much that
hurt?”

“Guys…” I interrupt. I feel like I’m chocking. The Stranger
has just walked into the club with his arm around Lizzy. Emma and
Chloe see the look on my face.

I feel like I’ve aged ten years.

“Oh sis, it’s nothing, you know the Spaniards are super
affectionate,” Emma reassures, unconvincingly. She weaves her arm
through mine.

Chloe doesn’t say anything, but she steps closer so that our
shoulders are touching.

My eyes don’t leave him as he and Lizzy walk over to Arianna
and their group. His arm is still around her shoulders as he kisses
people hello. Lizzy looks pleased as punch. Bitch.

Chloe leans in to whisper,

“He’s a player, Pen. Don’t waste your energy on
him.”

“I know.” I reply. But I don’t know. I don’t want to
know.

“Do you, do you really?” Chloe asks suspiciously.

Damn it Chloe, stop mind reading me!

She continues,

“You’ve been hurt by players, I’ve been hurt by players. Even
perfect princess Emma has been hurt by a couple. Let’s not forget
Choda Boy.”

I’m too upset to pay much attention to the playful tone Chloe
just used, or the look she and Emma exchanged. All I can register
are the painful wrinkles of gloom etching themselves into my facial
features, and the heaviness in my chest. My voice croaks as I
reply,

“It’s just that I’ve never had a guy so amazing, so… you know,
pay me any attention. And I know this is how we all get sucked in
in the first place, but I can’t help it.”

“Not your fault, with a body like that even the strongest
would fall,” Emma says.

We turn our eyes away from the Stranger’s direction and
huddle.

“He’s a dick,” Chloe says, “It’s always the same fucking
story. Hot guy hooks up with nice girl. He’s okay until you sleep
with them, then he stops returning your calls and messages. He
stands you up once, twice, three times. He starts acting all aloof,
eventually disappearing completely and a few weeks later poof, you
find out he was cheating all along and it was all a fucking waste
of time.”

Chloe says it with too much conviction for it to be just a
theory she’s dreamt up. Emma is nodding her head in full agreement.
We’ve all been there, especially Emma. I notice my head is rocking
in the opposite direction.