Cries of Penance (14 page)

“I don’t think Jako and Garrett share a single aspect of dominating style. So, I don’t believe that should even be a worry in your pretty little head.”

I hate being patronized.

She wasn’t in our bedroom last night. She didn’t see the look on Master’s face when he cupped my breasts, when he kissed them. When he licked them.

“I can’t wait to watch you nurse our babies. There’s nothing more natural in the world. You realize that, right?”

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My mouth went dry and I felt like my tongue had swol en double. I couldn’t answer. In my mind I was seeing him milk me like Jako had milked Panda.

A s the water of the shower ran over my head and into my eyes I’d al owed myself to cry, even though I didn’t know why I was crying. With the water stil running over my face, I washed my hair, and realized only when I felt a cool draft that Master had stripped and joined me in the shower. I’d kept my eyes closed, saying nothing when he soaped my breasts and abdomen.

Cupping my breasts , he took first one and then the other into his mouth, sucking each nipple gently. “Are you going to share our babies’ milk with me, Kit en?”

I didn’t know what to think or say in response to that question. I know I thought I was going to have a heart at ack, my heart was pounding so hard in my chest.

He’d sucked harder, drawing my flesh painful y into his mouth, and raw need pooled low in my bel y.

“Does it make you as hot as it makes me, Kit en? When I think about pounding you with my dick as hard as I can and making you come while I suck the milk from your breasts…” He slid his fingers between my damp slit, finding me slick with arousal. I was disgusted by my body’s reaction. So disgusted, I came almost immediately. I came against his fingers, while he was sucking my nipple, and I was imagining my milk flowing over his tongue.

“You can’t understand!” I face Jackie, angry that she can’t understand how I’m feeling. My God, how can she? She’s not a real woman.

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I can tel by her expression, she’s hurt. She real y does want to understand.

But how can I explain it?

I was disgusted by my orgasm, I was disgusted by the fantasy Master had shared, but I couldn’t deny the lust that wrapped me so tightly it hurt.

“We had a fight.”

“About Jako and Panda’s scene?”

“No, because he made me orgasm. I didn’t want to think about it, not any of it.

Not about Jako and Panda, or about Master sucking milk from my nipples, or even my babies sucking milk out of my nipples, but he did make me think about it—al of it—and I came thinking about it. I’m such a pervert.”

Jackie pul s off onto the shoulder and puts the car in park. “You’re just a little bit perverted, and that’s okay. Tel me about the fight.”

“I was screaming and crying—and coming—and Master was holding me tight against his chest while I came. He didn’t let go of me when I finished. He just kept holding me, and I was fighting to get away from him. I started cussing him, cal ing him every vile thing I could think of, and when I col apsed against him, exhausted, al he had to say was, ‘Feel better?’ Wel , of course I didn’t want to talk about it.”

Jackie pats my hand, trying to be a good listener I guess, because she doesn’t say anything and the silence is only making matters worse.

“Please say something.”

“You have no idea how lucky you are. How blessed.”

I hmmph.

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“You are a very sensual woman, pregnancy doesn’t change that. I think he was just trying to help you understand your strong reaction to Jako and Panda in the only way he could.”

“I don’t want to understand that it upset me so much because I was turned on by it!”

She shrugs.

“We have sex al the time, and I think it’s because I’m pregnant. Like he can’t get enough of me. And it’s only because of this.” I point to my stomach. “What’s he going to do when I’m not pregnant anymore? Not want me?”

She shakes her head. “I don’t see that happening.”

“And what about these?” Through the fabric of my shirt, I cup my breasts and bounce them in my hands. They are obviously larger than ever before, making Jackie laugh. “What if he becomes one of those fetishists who wants to share the supply? What if he’s so turned on by that, he wants me to keep lactating?” As I ask the question, I realize just how uncomfortable I’m made by the thought.

Actual y, it disgusts me. “I can’t do that.”

She glances at me, and her face is a mixture of humor and concern.

I keep thinking about the scene with Jacko and Panda, about how upset and horrified she looked when everyone laughed at her public humiliation. I repeat, “I can’t do that. I won’t be a cow for him.”

Jackie nods and when she says, “I understand,” I bust out laughing. How can she?

I hoot hysterical y.

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“Maybe we should do a late dinner after we stop by the Primal Birth Center,”

she suggests. “Maybe you can find some answers there, talking to a real woman.”

I know she’s hurt, and I don’t know how to make that part better. I don’t argue.

I just let her pul back into traffic and start driving. I’m stil giggling when she pul s into the center’s parking lot. And too soon I am in a smal room with Sal y Woodward, one of the birthing centers doulas, and Jackie is outside waiting in the relaxation garden. I’m not sure why it surprises me that Sal y has a baby tucked into a cloth sling hung over her neck and shoulder, but it does. It also makes me uncomfortable. I can’t remember the last time I was this close to a baby.

After inviting me to sit and both of us getting settled on low-to-the-ground padded benches, I have to ask, “Is that comfortable?”

She laughs. “For me and the baby. I can get my work done while he sleeps.”

I nod, wishing there was an easy way to start the discussion I want to have, and decide I’m in the wrong place. I should be back at Lewd Larry’s, trying to find a kinky woman who has had a baby, someone who is dealing with the lifestyle and motherhood. I don’t know what possessed me to seek out a vanil a woman.

While I procrastinate the baby wakes up crying. Sal y lifts her shirt, pops her breast out of her bra and tucks her nipple into the baby’s mouth so quickly, I’m stunned. I gawk like I’ve never seen a woman’s bare breast before.

“Does my nursing Liam bother you?”

I shake my head, but keep staring awkwardly.

“Does it bother you seeing my breast?”

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Looking away, I blush and giggle. “No. I’ve just never seen…”

“Come closer.”

She pats the extra-wide bench she’s sitting on and I join her, looking down at Liam’s mouth latched tight on her nipple. The baby’s mouth is a deep shade of red, he’s sucking so intently.

“God, that has to hurt.”

“Some. At first,” she admits. “But that is what nipples are designed for.”

We both laugh, though admittedly mine stil has a ring of nervous hysteria.

“So, what brings you to the birthing center today? You said you have a few questions?”

I look away, embarrassed. God, why did I come here?

Sal y pats my thigh. “Don’t worry. I’ve heard it al . You can’t shock me.”

I swal ow hard, meeting her gaze. “I used to feel that way.”

She tilts her head, obviously curious.

Taking a deep breath, I nervously admit, “My—” I stumble over the word Master and replace it with “boyfriend” but the word fal s flat and sounds wrong as I struggle to form a coherent sentence “…owns Lewd Larry’s nightclub.” I leave out the Fetish Fantasy part of the club’s name.

She blinks.

Does that mean she’s heard of it? Hasn’t heard of it? Oh, hel . I skip the part about Jacques and Panda, waving a dismissive hand, I say, “Not important.

Anyway, my boyfriend is real y into sex now that I’m pregnant.”

She looks at me like she’s waiting for the punch line of a joke.

“I mean, he’s real y into it.”

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“Oh! I see.” She blushes, eyes widening. “First, don’t worry about being the first woman to come to my office with this problem. Not that it’s a problem, unless you are saying ‘no’ and he isn’t listening?”

I shake my head. “No, no. Nothing like that.”

“I’ve talked to enough women to know that there are two types of men, the ones who don’t want anything to do with their wives until after the baby is born and men who just can’t seem to get enough of their wives while they are pregnant. Not that there isn’t a happy medium somewhere in between the two, it’s just those women don’t complain.”

I frown. Is that what I’m doing, complaining? “I think I’m just confused.”

She nods. “Okay, let’s talk about that part.”

“I feel like I’m bad because when he is so obviously excited, feeling the babies move inside of me, it’s a turn-on for me too.”

“Ah, like feeling sensual while you are nurturing a new life inside of you is taboo?”

“Exactly.”

“I think that as a society we’ve desexualized pregnant women, but just because there is a baby inside of you doesn’t make you any less sensual, and many women do find that they are a lot more horny once they are past that first trimester. I did. I wanted sex constantly while I was pregnant. I wore my poor husband out.”

“Real y?”

“Real y.”

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I am mesmerized by Liam sucking his mother’s nipple, but not in a sexual way, just because he is so intent. It looks like very hard work. His face turns bright red, he passes gas and then sighs, releasing her nipple. I gasp, realizing he did more than let out a bel y ful of air.

“Does that happen a lot?”

“Often enough.” She de-slings him and lays him out between us, then grabs the near diaper bag. I get my first up-close-and-personal lesson on changing a baby boy’s diaper. Sal y keeps up with the conversation. “It’s hard to not feel sexual when you are pregnant. A woman’s nipples are more sensitive, and just the rub of her cloth bra can make her body react by becoming horny.”

I nod. I hadn’t thought about it because I’m so focused on Garrett’s sudden new pregnancy fetish, but I’m not saying no, I want it as much as he does, and she’s right, even when he isn’t nearby I feel horny a lot of the time.

“Just be thankful your boyfriend is one of those men who gets turned on by pregnancy and not turned off.”

I hadn’t thought about that.

“So, I shouldn’t be worried that his interest is going to become a crazed fetish and he’s going to want to keep me pregnant al the time.”

Sal y laughs. “Wel , let’s hope that isn’t the case! I think after you give birth you wil find he’s just as happy with you regaining your pre-pregnancy shape. Is this helping at al ? I feel like you came in pretty desperate, that more was going on than just your boyfriend’s increased libido.”

I blush, admitting, “He freaked me out by saying he wanted me to share the babies’ milk. I couldn’t believe he was even thinking that.”

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She lifts the baby to her shoulder and pats its back. Smiling, she says, “Don’t worry. That’s also quite common. I don’t think it necessarily means he real y wants to, although it might, but it does seem to be a common theme for women who want to talk to me, so you can be assured he isn’t being abnormal.”

Vanil a women have these conversations with her? I’m not sure if that makes me feel better or worse. I suddenly don’t feel nearly as kinky as I did when I first sat down with her. Sighing, I relax.

“Do you want to hold him?”

Terrified, I shake my head, standing and backing away. That I’m not ready for.

“Tel me you’l at least stay for a session? This afternoon our topic is Sensual Labor.”

My eyebrows arch. I’m intrigued. Within minutes Jackie and I are directed to an outdoor “room” that is a paved circular space with a thatch roof. A step-down pit area is lined with pil ows, and many of the couples are already seated. Most of the women are reclining against their partner’s chests, making me wish Master was with me.

In this we’re at an impasse. Stil . He isn’t open to considering Primal Birth as an option even though Dr. Wang is wil ing to be a supportive member of a birthing team. No, Master wil be happy with no less than a hospital, sterile operating room, and if he has his way, a Caesarian section.

Descending the three steps down into the seating area, I take Jackie’s hand and catch her reassuring smile, but I stil feel defeated. Without Master’s support I feel like I’m wasting my time being here. A group of four women are seated in 133

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the upper level, drumming. The rhythm is soothing and seems to float on the warm breeze.

It’s nice here. Calm. Peaceful. So different from the constant super-charged sexual atmosphere of Lewd Larry’s or the heavy mood at the penthouse, made even worse since I’ve refused to consider moving. I don’t know if I would feel differently if Thomas hadn’t left town. Maybe I would. If the three of us were able to go house hunting together, it might be easier to consider suburbia because I’d know that we were moving as a ménage.

But then, maybe it wouldn’t be better at al . Who knows.

“Deep thoughts for a woman who’s supposed to be meditating,” Jackie whispers against my ear. I realize suddenly that she’s rubbing my tension fil ed shoulders and guess she’s probably been massaging me since we sat down and I just didn’t notice.

“It’s Master. He might not be here in person, but he sure is loitering in my brain.”

She snorts. “You need to start charging that man rent. You’re thinking so hard, you’re wearing me out.”

I smile, chuckling.

Anne, the workshop facilitator, moves to the center of the room and immediately starts swaying rhythmical y and chanting. In our seated positions we fol ow her lead, bending and reaching our arms like branches caught in a gentle breeze as we imitate her basic intoned, “Ohhmm,” repeating it after it fades to nothingness. I close my eyes, and the facilitator’s voice becomes a measured comfort to my mind: “Chanting engages al the parts of yourself. As your mind 134