Crime Always Pays (5 page)

          Gen, outraged, squiggled herself up from the hips, worked some bounce into the fake tits Frank'd paid for, Pinky and Perky. Again with the wavering finger, Frank half-dazzled by the bling reflecting from the fluorescent light off a ring no bigger than a baby elephant's testicle. 'I find out,' she said, 'you were stiffing me …'

          Bryan said, 'Gen? No one's stiffing anyone. I mean, Frank here has responsibilities, he knows that. Bills outstanding. Debts to pay. Frank?'

          'I've had a bad day,' Frank said, thumbing the doohickey button, wondering what the fuck was holding up the morphine. 'I mean, in case you hadn't noticed, I was shot. By, it shouldn't really matter, but it does, my ex-wife. So I'd appreciate a little peace and quiet to concentrate on the agony I'm in here, y'know, really soak that fucker up.'

          Gen, tottering on four-inch heels, made her way around the bed, leaned in. 'Don't fuggin patronise me, Frank. I won't be fuggin patronised.'

          Frank gagged on the stale gin fumes. 'Bry? Seriously, I'm crippled over here. I can't deal with this right now.' Bryan crossed the room, placed his hands on Gen's shoulders to steer her away from the bed. Frank said, 'Oh, and Gen? It's 
pah
tronise.'

          Gen swung open-handed from the hip, except the Miu Miu dangling from her elbow snagged on the saline drip and pulled her askew, Bryan behind her getting tangled in the general welter so that they both toppled over, came crashing down on Frank's leg.

          Frank, opening his mouth to scream, blacked out so fast he didn't even hear it start.

Madge

'I don't know if I can do this,' Madge said as the red-and-white striped barrier pole went up. The car purred onto the airstrip, twin-engine planes looming from the shadows either side, no sign of the Lear jet Madge had been half-hoping for. The headlights picking up the hangar now, heading straight for it.

          'You're already doing it,' Terry said. 'Just relax, it'll be okay.'

          'Please. Can we stop a sec?'

          'Sure.' Terry said, 'Joe? Would you mind pulling in? Cheers.' He waited until the car rolled to a stop, then turned to her. 'What's wrong?'

          'I can't do it.'

          'Sure you can.'

          'To you, I mean.'

          'To me?'

          'What if I'm spotted with you?'

          'You won't be.'

          'But what if I am? You'll get pulled into the whole mess.'

          'How? All I'm doing is helping out a friend, she's terrified of this Rossi guy who snatched her. She needs a few days away until she knows the guy's been caught, it's safe to come back. So I'm making it happen.'

          'Ray told Karen,' Madge said, this being the bit that'd sobered her up shortly before leaving Terry's place, 'that the last guy brought the cops around, he wound up in four different canals.'  

          Terry smiled, patted her knee. 'How'll you bring the cops around, Margaret? This cop, Doyle, she told you she'd help with your alibi, right? Just after you shot Frank.'

          'That's what she said. But …'

          'Look, according to Ray, this Doyle wants Frank. The cops're going to be anywhere, it's up Frank's ass for arranging a kidnap, attempted extortion, all that. And you rang the kids, right? Jeanie and Liz. Letting 'em know you'd be away for a few days, they're off to Denver skiing anyway. So why would the cops be looking for you?'

          'There's the money,' Madge said. 'The ransom.'

          'Why would the cops, you were the one was snatched, even 
think
 you might have the ransom?' Terry shook his head.' If they're chasing anyone, it'll be Karen and Ray.'

          'You think they will?'

          'I doubt it. They already have Frank, and probably this guy Rossi, Ray said the guy looked pretty bad when they left him behind in that van savaged by the wolf. And just say you're a cop, you have the ex-husband who set you up to be snatched 
and
 the three-time loser who did the actual job. That sounds like a result to me.'

          'Except the ransom is missing.'

          'An insurance company's money? No cop's busting a hernia to find that. Besides, the insurance company'll be insured against losing the ransom. Stands to reason.'

          'I want to do it,' Madge said, 'don't get me wrong. I just don't want anyone getting into trouble on my account.'

          'The only way it gets hinky,' Terry said, 'is if the cops or the insurance company know where to find you. This way, flying out of here? We're into London in three hours, and from there we could be going anywhere. No one else knows about the cruise, right?'

          'Just Karen and Ray.'

          'Not even the twins?'

          'The whole point of it,' Madge said, 'it was just me and Karen, getting away from all the shit, the divorce coming on …'

          'So there it is,' Terry said. 'What're you worried about?'

          'Oh, silly stuff,' Madge said. 'Y'know, fleeing the country after shooting my ex, with a guy who puts people in four different canals.'

          'That's just a bogeyman story,' Terry said. 'Joe? Tell the lady I never put anyone in any canals.'

          'It's just a story,' Joe said.

          'Meanwhile,' Terry said, 'I'm sitting here waiting to fly out to Europe with a lady who's reminding me right now of Julie Christie, I think it's her eyes. What're you going to do, change your mind and break my heart?'

Rossi

'LeprePorn,' Rossi said, wondering if he was dreaming it, Rossi already out a week and yet to drain the sprouts.

          'Internet-only release,' Melody said. 'That way you keep production costs down and your distribution budget is virtually nil. 
At-Quim-Two-Birds
, that's one of ours. Irish lesbians, what they call niche-niche marketing.'

          'You're a woman in this town,' Sleeps said, 'looking to write-direct? It's a closed shop. I mean, can you name me even one Irish writer-director, she's a woman?'

          Mel in back, hunched forward. Rossi riding shotgun beside Sleeps, a fat spliff smouldering between his fingers. The lights went green. Sleeps eased the Volvo Estate forward.

          'The hardest bit,' Mel said, 'I mean apart from keeping a straight face? Coming up with the names. Like, half the time you're wondering what the original guys were thinking, if they weren't subconsciously wanting to make blue movies all along. I mean, seriously – 
Eat the Peach
? 
I Went Down
?' She shook her head. 'We did 
PS, I Fucked You
 
1, 2
 and 
3
 last year. This girl, her husbands keep dying and coming back as ghosts to, y'know …'

          'Fuck her.'

          'Pretty much, yeah. In the third one, the twist is all three come back at the same time.'

          'Like in a gangbang?'

          'Yep.'

          'Except,' Sleeps said, 'she's into it.'

          'Sure, she loves these guys. I mean, she married 'em all. Had a thing, for some reason we never got around to exploring, for exclusively German guys with big hair and fat johnsons. Take the next left,' she told Sleeps, 'then right into the housing estate. It's the third on the left, there'll be a white Fiat parked outside.'

          'But now you're ready to break out,' Rossi said. 'Move into the mainstream.'

          'I've 
been
 ready,' Mel said. 'I'm 
past
 ready.'

          'With this story,' Sleeps said, 'sounds to me like 
Bonnie and Clyde
, except set in Greece.'

          'With the twist,' Mel said, 'that Bonnie and Clyde, only they're called Judy and Jack, they're into kidnap.'

          Rossi glanced at Sleeps. 'Sounds familiar,' he said.

          'Okay,' Mel said. 'But there's this cop, she's tight with Jack and Judy, at least she thinks she is until they pull a switch, leave her behind handcuffed to the guy masterminding the kidnaps, then take off for a Mediterranean cruise. Not realising they're not the only Bonnie and Clyde in the picture. And this other Bonnie and Clyde, believing the money's theirs, they're following the cop chasing Jack and Judy, who's heading for the Med to track 'em down, get her rep back.'

          'Or,' Sleeps said, 'at this point the cop could just be suspended and schlepping off on holiday, we just don't know. Maybe doing everything she can to forget she ever met this Jack and Judy, they made her a laughing stock.'

          'So where in the Med,' Rossi said, 'is this cruise going from?'

          'Cute,' Mel said, 'but no cigar.'

          'See,' Rossi said to Sleeps, 'this is the bit I'm not getting. We're taking her with us, right? Except she's the only one who knows where we're going.'

          Sleeps considered. 'About the size of it,' he said.

          'That's it there, Gary. See the white Fiat?'

          Sleeps indicated left, pulled in to the kerb. Rossi said, 'So you're hitting us up for points on the bag, you steer us in the right direction and we nail Karen and Ray.' Mel nodded. 'And you're tagging along for the ride, soaking it all up for this movie.'

          'If you were me,' Mel said, 'would 
you
 trust you to come back with my share, just hand it over?'

          Rossi conceded the point. 'What I'm getting at,' he said, 'is I'm not hearing you come across. With, y'know, points in this movie you'll be making off our story.'

          In the end, Rossi volunteering his services as script consultant, Mel agreed to take them on board. No way she was shelling out upfront but she was okay with cutting them in for points if she got a deal, Rossi asking twelve but settling for a back-end of five on the gross.

          'That's gross-gross,' he said. 'Merchandise, the works.'

          'Deal,' Mel said, reaching into the front to shake their hands in turn. 'Okay,' she said, 'just give me ten minutes to pack a bag. Oh, by the way?'

          'What's that?'

          'If we get caught, I'm your hostage. I mean, you dragged me along against my will, right?'

Melody

Mel went straight upstairs, pulled the fake Louis Vuitton down off the top of the wardrobe and wiped the dust off with a thermal vest she found in the laundry basket, then threw in the essentials, found her passport, packed a few books, some spiral-bound shorthand pads, a handful of blue Uniballs with the nice flow, then dragged it back downstairs, bumping it on every step.

She stuck her head around the living-room door, to where her father and two brothers were slumped watching a football game flickering on the TV, all three in roughly the same position, hands clasped on their midriffs.  

          'I just got a last-minute deal,' she said. 'I'm off to Greece, flying out tonight.'

          One of her brothers grunted. Her father turned his head in her direction, although without taking his eyes from the screen. 'Who's going with you, love?'

          'Just a few of the girls. We'll only be gone a week.'

          'Need a lift to the airport?'

          'No, that's fine. I've a taxi waiting outside.'

          'You alright for a few quid?'

          'Fine, Dad. Thanks.'

          'Okay.' He beckoned her on as he turned his head back to the TV again. She went across to him, planted a kiss on the top of his head. 'Text us when you get in,' he said. 'Let us know you're safe.'

          'Will do.'

          Mel closed the door again, picked up the suitcase and wheelied it out the front door and down the path. Sleeps got out as she approached the car, went around the back and popped the trunk, took the suitcase from her and lifted it in. 

          'So where to now?' he said.

          'The airport. Where else?'

          'What I thought,' Sleeps said. 'Only thing is, I don't fly.'   

Frank

The pain, Jesus, Frank'd never had anything like it. Even reaching for the push-button doohicky hanging from the headboard sent agonising bolts shooting up through his thigh, into his spine, the electrical impulses frying his brain. Frank thumbing the doohicky like he was sending out Morse code, S-S-S-S-S-S …