Cross My Heart (24 page)

"And you've missed her." It wasn't a question.

"I've already told you I did," he said impatiently, "but
now I have you."

"No, you don't. I broke our engagement, remember? You no
longer have to consider me. There's nothing dishonorable now about
asking her to marry you. You don't owe me anything."

He stood and began to pace. "Maybe not, but you owe me
something. You told me you loved me and accepted my proposal of
marriage. You owe it to me to honor that acceptance unless you can give
me a lot better reason than you have so far for not doing so."

Elyse knew she should be elated. He not only wanted to
marry her, he was practically blackmailing her into it. So why was she
holding back? Something was wrong, but she couldn't quite identify it.

"I still don't understand why you let Dinah come to see
you three days in a row when you not only didn't tell me but wouldn't
let me anywhere near you."

He clamped his hand around the back of his neck. "You know
why I wouldn't let you come over. I didn't want to expose you and Janey
to the flu. As for telling you about Dinah's visits, I would have when
I saw you. I just didn't see a need to discuss it over the phone."

"Because you knew it would upset me?"

He looked sheepish. "Yes."

"Then why did you encourage her?"

He started to pace again. "I… I don't know.
Curiosity, I guess. I wanted to talk to her, to know what she'd been
doing these past four years, how she was getting along."

"Did you find out?"

"Yes, she worked at the United Nations for a year, then
was offered the job with the embassy in France. That's where she's
living now."

"And she's still in love with you?"

He looked startled. "Love was never the problem with
us—she always said she loved me. But she wouldn't marry me."

"Would she marry you now?"

"I don't know. I didn't ask her."

"Why didn't you?"

He glared at her. "Oh, knock it off, dammit. I didn't ask
her because I want to marry you, and the sooner the better."

She was pushing him and she didn't mean to, but for both
their sakes she had to know what his true feelings were.

"Why the rush? Until this week you weren't in any hurry.
You weren't even anxious to announce the engagement."

He ran his fingers through his hair. "That's not true."

"All right," she said wearily. "I'll concede the point.
It's not worth arguing about."

She walked over and stood in front of him. "Why do you
want to marry me, Clint? Is it because you love me, or is it because
you want me to protect you from yourself?"

He blinked in astonishment. "That's the craziest thing I
ever heard."

She looked away. "Is it? The love you felt for Dinah was
very deep and very special, and when she rejected you the pain and
loneliness were shattering. Then you met me, and I would have married
you anywhere, anytime. I was safe, and you dared to open up to me and
let yourself feel strongly again. But Dinah came back, and as you said,
no man would let himself be hurt twice by the same woman, so you're
determined not to examine your feelings for her,"

"That's nonsense."

She put her hand to his mouth to silence him. "No, just
listen to me. You think that if you were married to me you wouldn't be
so tempted by her, but I'm not willing to take that chance. You've
avoided this question
every
time it's come up, but I'm going to ask it straight this time, and I
want an honest answer."

She looked into his anxious green eyes, and her gaze never
wavered. "Clint, are you still in love with Dinah Jefferson?"

Clint caught his breath. He was staggered by the enormity
of Elyse's question. It sounded so simple, but had such far-reaching
consequences.

Was he still in love with Dinah? Dear God, how could he
answer that? He hadn't even let himself think about it this past week,
and now if he didn't give a satisfactory answer he was going to lose
Elyse!

The thought made him shudder. Elyse, with her sunny smile
that lit all the dark corners of his soul and her shimmering eyes that
were incapable of harboring secrets. Even now she looked at him with
the love he knew she'd prefer to hide.

That love had melted the cold wall he'd built around his
heart, and her soft hands had worked magic at healing the wounds that
had tormented him for so long. She was his light, his warmth, his
comfort and his pleasure, so why did he hesitate to give her the
resounding
no
he knew she was demanding in answer
to her question?

He'd sell his soul to be able to do that, but she was too
perceptive and he was a poor liar. Oh, he was an expert at evading the
truth—all good politicians were—but every time he'd
tried to tell a deliberate lie he'd flubbed it. The tragedy was that he
honestly didn't know if saying he no longer loved Dinah would be a lie.

Clint knew he'd hesitated too long when he saw the anguish
creep into Elyse's pinched face and heard the quickly stifled sob in
her voice. "I guess I have the answer to my question," she said, and
turned away. "Please leave, Clint."

He couldn't let her go. "Elyse, wait!"

He didn't try to touch her, but she stopped and stood
still. "I don't know how I feel about Dinah," he said raggedly. "This
has all happened too quickly and for several days I was too sick to
worry about it. The only thing I know for sure is that I love you."

Very carefully he put his arms around her waist. He felt
her tense, but she didn't move away. "I know I'm not making sense. I've
never believed it possible for a man to love two women at the same
time, but now I'm not sure. For six years Dinah was my one and only
love. My obsession. I firmly believed she was the only woman in the
world for me, and even after she left I never stopped loving her. Then
just a few weeks ago you came along and awakened needs in me I hadn't
had in years. It was you I wanted, you who made me long for a wife and
children."

She was less tense than before, more pliable in his arms
and he knew she was listening and considering what he was saying. If
only he could make her under-stand… But how could he, when
he didn't understand himself?

Her untamed hair tickled his chin, and he rubbed his face
in the soft clean texture of it. An unwelcome stirring in his groin
reminded him that this lady was dynamite and he'd better be careful or
he'd ache for hours. Clint had always considered comparisons odious,
but now he realized that Elyse's trusting and uninhibited response to
his advances had always excited him more than Dinah's more experienced
and deliberate seduction ever had.

The stirrings quickened, and he forced his mind back to
the discussion.

He gathered the loose ends of his thoughts and continued.
"After we made love the first time I knew you were special and that I
wanted you around for good. Then when you made me tell you about my
relationship with Dinah before you'd agree to marry me, I nearly blew
it. I'd never talked about our broken engagement before with anyone,
and it was incredibly painful—"

"I'm sorry," Elyse murmured, leaning back more fully into
his embrace. "I didn't mean to cause you pain."

He couldn't resist the overwhelming urge to nuzzle the
pulse at the side of her throat, although it made desire surge within
him. "I'm glad you did," he said, fighting the need to press against
her exquisitely firm bottom. "It brought everything into much clearer
focus, and I realized I was wasting years of my life waiting for a
woman who didn't love me enough to come to me."

Elyse tensed again. "So you decided to go for second best
and proposed to me." Her tone was bitter, and she tried to pull away.

Clint could have bitten his tongue. Dammit, why did
everything always come out wrong when he tried to talk to her?

He tightened his hold on her. "I didn't mean it that way.
I don't think I've ever in my life been as inarticulate as I am with
you. You've got me so confused and upset and half-crazy with the fear
of losing you that it's a wonder I can talk at all."

"Why are you afraid of losing me if you're still in love
with Dinah?" Elyse asked with undeniable logic.

Clint grunted derisively. "That's a good question. The
obvious answer is that I'm no longer in love with Dinah, so why won't
you accept it?"

"I would if you would," Elyse said in little more than a
whisper, "but you said yourself that you're not sure. How do you feel
about her?"

Clint searched his memory and his emotions. He didn't want
to hurt Elyse, but she insisted on the truth and he owed her no less.
"I was overjoyed to see her again. For years I'd prayed for that
moment, and I was so stunned when it finally happened that I wasn't
aware of anything but the fact that she was back. Once the shock wore
off, though, my only thought was to find you and undo any pain I might
have caused you."

"Apparently I was already coming down with the flu,
because as the afternoon went on I felt miserable. I thought it was
just shock, but I was irritable and bad tempered, and we wound up
quarreling. After that I was too sick to care about anything, and when
Dinah called on Wednesday I have to admit I wanted to see her."

Elyse tried to squirm out of his embrace, but he tightened
his arms around her. "No, I'm not going to release you. You asked for
the truth and you're going to get it. When she came to see me that
evening I was still too sick to get out of bed, so she sat by me and
held my hand."

He hadn't even thought about Elyse until after Dinah had
left, but then he'd been racked with guilt.

"I told Dinah about us," he said, "but I also invited her
to come back the next day."

He felt Elyse flinch and hated himself for what he was
doing to her. Why in hell didn't he just tell her he felt nothing for
Dinah and sort his real feelings out later?

He took a deep breath and continued. "She spent all day at
the house on Thursday. We talked practically nonstop, and there were
times when it got pretty personal."

This time Elyse took him by surprise, pulling away with
such' force he couldn't hang on to her. "Damn you, Clint," she cried.
"Just shut up and go away. I don't want to hear this."

She turned from him, but not before he'd seen the anguish
on her face. He knew he couldn't put her through any more.

"I knew you wouldn't," he said, "but you insisted. I guess
what I'm trying to say is that loving Dinah was a habit that I've
probably broken, but I can't be sure yet. All I know for certain is
that I no longer want to marry her."

Elyse walked to the fireplace and stood with her back to
him. "Then I suggest you figure out how you do feel about her, and
please, have enough respect for my feelings to stay away from me while
you're doing it."

A sob shook her, and he had to fight to keep himself from
going to her. "All right, sweetheart," he said, and he could hear the
defeat in his tone. "I can't expect you to put up with my stupidity. If
I didn't care for you so much I'd lie to you and use any means to get
you to marry me."

She whirled around then, and her features were twisted
with anger. "Oh, stop it!" she grated. "If you suspect you're still in
love with Dinah, then why would you want to marry me?"

He walked over to her and took her white face in his
hands. "Because, no matter what my mixed-up feelings for her may be,
you're the one I want to spend the rest of my life with."

He kissed her warm quivering lips, then tore himself away
and walked out of the room.

Elyse stood listening to his footsteps retreating down the
hall, but instead of the sound of the outside door opening, she heard
the footsteps climbing up the stairs.

Clint was keeping his promise to Janey not to leave
without seeing her again!

A soft cry of pain escaped from Elyse as she crumpled into
a chair and buried her face in her hands. What was the matter with her?
Why was she demanding perfection when no one was perfect? So he didn't
love her with all his heart and soul. He cared for her, and he was
considerate and loving with Janey. What right did she have to demand
more?

Elyse knew Clint would cherish her, even if a portion of
his heart did belong to another woman. Why couldn't she be content with
that much? It was more than many women had.

Shortly after noon the following day, Sunday, Elyse's
phone rang and it was Liz. With all the other things she'd had on her
mind, Elyse had forgotten that Paul and Liz were due back today from
their honeymoon trip abroad. Fortunately her sister was so excited and
happy she didn't notice when Elyse wasn't exactly coherent for the
first few minutes.

They'd talked for about half an hour, when Liz suddenly
exclaimed, "Oh, heavens, I forgot this is a toll call. I'll have to
float a loan to pay the phone bill if I don't hang up."

They both laughed at the absurdity of Paul Sterling
worrying about paying for a toll call from Sacramento to Placerville.

"Look, honey," Liz continued, "I want to see you. We
brought gifts for you and Janey, and we still have so much to tell you,
but I've got to unpack and get things straightened up around here. Why
don't you and Janey drive in and spend the afternoon and we'll take you
out to dinner. By the way, is Clint there?"

Elyse stiffened. "No." She didn't elaborate.

"If he's in the area, why don't you call him and ask him
to come, too."

Elyse gripped the phone. "I don't know where he is." She
tried to keep her voice from breaking. "Besides, I'd rather talk to you
and Paul alone, if you don't mind."

She had to tell them about her broken engagement before
they heard that Dinah was back, but she wanted to do it in person.

"Well, sure," Liz said, puzzled. "If that's what you want.
Elyse, is anything wrong?"