Crossing the Deep (24 page)

Asher knew he’d say that. Everyone always said that when they didn’t know what else to say or how to explain why God did what He did.
It happened for a reason.
Well, he’d sure like to know what
reason
God had for taking Sid. “A reason? Really? So Sid died for a reason? Rachel lost her toes and almost her life… for a reason?”

“Take it easy, Asher. Yes, it all happened for a reason — a purpose.”

“I’m sorry.” Asher had to laugh. “I don’t get it.”

“I don’t, either. I’m a preacher. I should be able to understand this, but I don’t. You don’t think I’d like to know the exact reason my brother died? I don’t have any answers, but I do know that there was a purpose. I do know that Sid was saved and there isn’t a doubt in my mind that he’s in Heaven right now. He’s better off than any of us. He’s sitting with God.”

“And you’re sitting with me.”

David cut his eyes at Asher.

“You said you don’t have any of the answers,” Asher went on. “I thought as a preacher you guys knew all of this stuff. I’m new to this; what’s your excuse?”

David laughed sadly and shook his head. “I wish more than anything that was true — that preachers had all of the answers. You know, my parents aren’t church-goers.”

“I didn’t know that.” Well, he hadn’t ever thought about it before, anyway. Why would it have mattered to him back then if they were saved or not?

“Nope, they aren’t the Bible types. They are proud of me for doing something great as my mom calls it, but as my dad likes to say, it isn’t for them. You try explaining to them why the God I serve took away their baby boy. That — that is a time when I wish I had all of the answers.”

A tear fell down David’s face, and Asher didn’t know what to do or what to say. So he guessed, in a way, he could relate to how David felt with his parents. David wiped the tears away and kept talking.

“It’s a miracle Sid got saved when he did. It was just a few months ago during a youth service. It wasn’t even an extraordinary service, in my opinion. I announced the hiking trip, but nothing else major happened. I’d already decided I’d blown it for the night, and I had an altar call… you know… because it was something I was supposed to do. And here comes Sid to the altar. I could have fallen over. My brother said he’d done a lot of things he was sorry for and he needed to be forgiven for it. He said if he died, he wanted to go to Heaven.”

“I kinda laughed it off. I mean, I was grateful that he’d given his heart to the Lord, but he was just sixteen. He wasn’t going to die any time soon. Guess Sid knew best after all.”

“I guess.” He kept waiting for David to say something else. When he didn’t, Asher figured it was time for him to bare his own soul. “I’ve known there is a God for as long as I can remember, but I didn’t think He believed in me. I kinda hated Him, actually, for how everything was going at home.”

“Asher, you don’t have to talk about that.”

“Just… let me get this out.” Asher’s mind kept going in circles, trying to find the right words. They all seemed to dry up on his tongue, but he fought through it. He had to tell someone. “So much bad stuff has happened to me. You know about most of it, but not all. My mom, my aunt…” his throat wanted to close. “…my aunt’s boyfriend. I thought that God didn’t have time for me. I figured He’d forgotten all about me, or worse; that He wanted all of the bad things to happen to me because maybe I was a bad person.”

“You’re not. It doesn’t work like that.”

“I know.” And he did — somewhere deep down, he did. His mother leaving wasn’t because of anything he did; it was because of the drugs she poisoned herself with. And it hadn’t been his fault that his aunt’s boyfriend liked kids. Asher had always been grateful to get away from him on their camping trip when he was nine. Nagging thoughts still invaded his mind sometimes, though, wondering if he’d done something to make Jason think he liked him. Asher always knew that those thoughts were stupid, but there were times he couldn’t shake them.

“I’ve never known anyone who prayed as much as Rachel, who had the faith she does. Do you know she prayed over a half of a candy bar when we were on the mountain?”

“That a fact? Sounds like her.”

“Yeah, and she had this crazy thought that you picked Deep Creek Trail because you wanted her to find Harker Cemetery.”

He shook his head. “I didn’t even know it was there. I thought I had researched it from every angle. Guess not.”

“Divine intervention.” Asher joked without humor and then wondered if maybe there was some truth to it. Rachel veering off to Harker Cemetery was the catalyst that started the unfortunate chain of events. Maybe God had planned it out all along.

David took a deep breath and patted Asher on the back. “So you got saved? That’s wonderful. It’s great that something good came out of this nightmare.”

Asher laughed bitterly. “Yeah, I just wish Sid didn’t have to die for it.”

“Yeah, well. We can’t change it now. We have to figure out some way to move on. That’s part of the reason I came back up here from Georgia. Sid’s funeral is Wednesday back home. Do you think you’ll be able to go?”

“Wednesday? Rachel won’t be out of the hospital by then.”

“No, but you might be. I know she would want to be there, and I feel bad about it. But we can’t hold off any longer. My parents, man, they are tore up. Not only did their son die, but he had to have an autopsy too. The thought of someone cutting into him…” David’s voice cracked. “It’s been hard.”

“What did the autopsy say? Was it the snakebite that killed him?”

“Yeah, that’s what the coroner said. Said he must have gotten bit not long after he left you and wandered down the creek. He was probably dead before it even started raining.”

Asher could tell that there were things David wasn’t telling him, and he couldn’t fault him for that. He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear about any more, anyway. “I don’t know. I mean, I want to go to the funeral, seems the right thing to do with Sid being my best friend and all.”

“But?”

“But Rachel’s here. I know, I know… It seems so weird. I don’t even know the words to say to her right now, but I know I need to be near her.”

“It’s understandable. You were lost together for a long time. You’re getting released either today or tomorrow, right? I daresay your aunt won’t stay here any longer than that. I bet she’s losing money in Georgia.”

“Yeah, the druggies need a dependable dealer, after all.”

“I wish I could help with that. “ David said.

“Enough about her,” Asher said, cutting him off. There was only so much his scrambled brain could deal with at the moment. “I’ll find a way to stay up here in Tennessee if I have to. It’s just... I don’t know what to do.”

“You want my advice?”

Asher nodded. He wanted more than anything for David to just tell him what to do. Normally, he loved making his own decisions, but now he didn’t think he could.

“My advice is to pray about it.”

Well, that did him no good. He didn’t know how to pray.

“Now hear me out, Asher. I know you are new to this. I know it’s scary, but you’ve got to pray and talk to God. Give Him your problems, your worries, your concerns. I’m not guaranteeing He’ll fix everything and make it hunky-dory, but He will give you some sort of peace, so you can deal with all of this. I know you’ll make the decision you need to make.”

“And don’t worry about Sid. He would understand. If you choose to stay here and take care of Rachel, we will all understand. No one will think less of you. But pray about it, okay?”

“I don’t know how,” Asher said, wiping his nose. Tears streamed down his face, and he didn’t care.

“Then pray with me. I need the help. I need as much prayer as I can get. Can you do that for me?”

Asher nodded, but his stomach knotted up. He knew he couldn’t do this alone and was glad David was there with him. The youth pastor leaned over and placed his praying hands on the pew in front of him. Asher watched and did the same.

David shut his eyes. “God, sometimes things happen we don’t understand. Things we can’t comprehend. Things that we know are for Your glory, even if we don’t see how.” He paused and started crying too hard to speak. Each time he opened his mouth, only a sob would come out. It was a pitiful sight, and Asher realized he needed to help his friend.

He opened his mouth, not sure what to say or how to say it. Deciding to just speak from his heart, he let the words flow out. “But we know, God… we hope… that these things come our way for a reason. We know You control the world, and we just live in it. Give us some kind of peace. Calm our nerves and let us understand what is going on. Please heal Rachel and all of our hearts. Please let us know what we’re supposed to do now. And tell Sid we miss him. And that we’ll see him again someday. In Jesus’s name I pray, Amen.” He finished the way Rachel always did when they were together out in the woods. It seemed to work.

Asher sensed David sitting up, and he followed. He wiped the tears from his eyes and took a deep breath. “I know what I have to do.”

Chapter Twenty

Two Days Later…

Dear
Rachel,

I know writing you this letter is
probably
the easy way out. I know I should have come to see you, but I had a lot of praying to do. Yes, me praying (novel concept, eh?). Plus, the nurses kinda told me to stay away from you,
since they blame me for your ‘episode’ the other day. I had to sweet-talk your mom into giving you this letter, so be good and don’t freak out on me.
The nurses (and your mom) will have my hide.

I hope you are doing better. Your mom says you are. She said you should be walking on crutches in no time. That’s terrific!
Maybe you’ll get to come home soon. I can’t wait for that to happen.
I miss you.
I got used to having you around.

If
you're
wondering where I am, I’m back in Georgia for Sid’s funeral. (Don’t freak out remember. Even David said he didn’t blame you for Sid dying
—
remember to breathe!) I felt bad for leaving you, but this was something I had to do. I need to see Sid
and say good-bye. His funeral is
Wednesday, tomorrow.
I’m going to be perfectly honest with you:
I’m kinda scared and very nervous. I
don’t do well at sad occasions.

I won’t be coming back to Tennessee. I
want to, but I think
that you need time to rest
—
to recover without me.

I’ll see you when you come back to Grant. I promise.

Asher

Numb, Rachel folded the notebook paper and put it back into the envelope. Asher had gone back to Georgia. Everyone except her had gone back for Sid’s funeral. She was all alone, eight hours from home.

She’d never felt so helpless in her life, stuck in the bed with nothing to do but watch television and think about things she’d rather forget.

With her mom gone to the cafeteria and Asher back home, she found herself questioning the God she had fought so hard to make Asher believe in. She didn’t understand why she was in that bed when Sid was dead. Part of her felt so sorry for herself that her toes were gone, and another part felt so selfish for caring when Sid was lying in a box.

A few days ago those thoughts would have resulted in a panic attack, but not now. She felt stronger every day. But still, the sadness could overwhelm her if she let it.

Sitting up in her bed, she closed her eyes to pray. She clasped her hands in her lap and took a big breath.

The words wouldn’t come.

She tried reciting the Lord’s Prayer, but nothing would come out. She tried to pray simple things, but the words would somehow stick to her tongue. Even the words she forced out seemed to fall flat.

Frustrated, she gave up, slid down in her sheets, and stared at the black television screen. She’d always defined herself as Rachel the Christian, Rachel the Good Girl, Rachel the Faithful to God. Now, when things were tough, she was Rachel the Fraud.

Any other time she would have cried, but she felt like all of her tears had been shed. All the tears in the world wouldn’t bring Sidney, or her toes, back.

She pulled her covers up to her neck and closed her eyes. Not a single word was uttered to God as she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

Chapter Twenty-One

One Week Later:
Tuesday, November 30
^th

A late fall snowstorm delayed their homecoming by a few hours. Slick, black ice left cars in the ditch along the interstate as salt trucks fought the elements to clear the roads. She heard her mom in the front seat praying for safety, both for themselves and the other cars. Rachel hadn’t prayed at all.

The car’s headlights cut through the thick falling snow, and Rachel wished it would just stop. She was sick of snow and sick of having hurdles to cross. All she wanted was to get home and go to her room. Was that too much to ask?

It wasn’t that she was bitter or angry at God. She wasn’t. Bitter or angry would be an improvement — much better than the numbness she continually felt. Not numbness in her body, because that remained sore from her five days in the woods and all of her injuries, but numbness in her heart and her mind. One of her doctors said she might have post-traumatic stress disorder or survivor’s guilt or, at the very least, depression.

Rachel didn’t know what to label it besides a pain in the butt. She hated the shell of a person she’d become but saw no way out of it.

After a drive that took three times as long as it should have, Rachel’s mom pulled the car onto their road. They lived in a small white house surrounded by farmland they didn’t own. The two-story house and the little acre of land was theirs; well the bank’s until they paid it off.